I genuinely feel like a tragic human being
Lately I can’t shake the feeling that my life has turned into something deeply tragic. Not in an exaggerated way… just in a quiet, unavoidable way that I can’t really ignore anymore.
I stayed inside my house for years. Completely isolated. At some point the days stopped meaning anything and I slowly detached from everything and everyone around me. I barely talked to people, barely went outside, barely felt human anymore.
The only reason I even returned to the outside world is because my mother got sick. Now I go to the hospital every single day.
And honestly it’s destroying me mentally.
Being around people again after so many years makes me realize how disconnected I am from normal life. Everyone around me seems functional, present, real. Meanwhile I feel like some hollow person awkwardly pretending to belong there.
What confuses me the most is that I always thought I lacked empathy. But seeing my mother like this has created a kind of sadness I genuinely can’t describe. I feel devastated that I can’t help the person who tried to help me, who gave birth to me and raised me.
The feeling sits in my stomach like a massive knot that never loosens no matter what I do.
The suicidal thoughts came back hard recently too.
What hurts the most is the loneliness. Imagine standing in a hospital surrounded by hundreds of people and still feeling completely alone in the universe. I actually considered talking to a chatbot a few nights ago because I realized I genuinely have nobody left to talk to anymore. And somehow even that made me feel worse.
Then something happened that honestly scared me a little.
After years of emotional numbness, I suddenly started crying uncontrollably. Full breakdown. I can’t even remember the last time I cried before this.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just wanted someone, somewhere, to know I existed for a moment.