r/OSDD

As the title says, I was wondering how possible it is to form DID or OSDD without experiencing abuse?

I've put some exposition on myself in the comments

Few TWs I guess?? Mentions of chronic illness, bullying, brief gore, etc.

My possible childhood 'trauma' is very hard to identify, since my brain has blocked all of those key moments out, but I can kind of piece together that they're what's affecting me. For example, when I was around 7 or 8, my older brother by five years got diagnosed with CFS. I remember a few flickers of memories, like feeling sad and lonely that he wasn't at school (we shared a primary/elementary school, and as we'd grown up we'd always been incredibly close, so having him abruptly separated from me could've been traumatic, especially since he got more of my parents' attention than me and I was a needy kid that was used to being clingy, but I seriously don't think it'd be enough to sever my state of self I'd think)

I remember drawing this depressing picture of me standing in his doorway with a toy while he was asleep in bed, and one time I asked my mum if he was going to die, stuff like that. Now while that's pretty sad and maybe traumatic (again, I can't tell if this is trauma for me since I don't really feel anything for it and don't remember really grasping it much when I was young too, describing it like this makes it sound more traumatic than it was - I've always been apathetic when things pass a certain level of trauma, like my mum having a heart clot thing once and me being fine and dandy when I went to visit her because I didn't understand the danger, even if I was 9 or smth by then).

But anyway, by coincidence or not, these imaginary friends popped up to keep me company a while later, whilst I was also going through some friendship problems I'll explain in a sec, and I remember talking to them in my head, 'seeing' them very vividly in my head, etc, and they rarely took the front space thing, only during times when I was upset, like the blood test I mentioned lol

I also remember mentioning my imaginary friends to my parents during dinner one time, and them getting immediately, seriously concerned and worried, like they knew I was a mental enough kid to get schizophrenia or something, asking me stuff like "but you know they're not real, right?" and me replying of course not, I just talk to them when I'm bored but I know they're not real, while in my head very adamantly thinking nope they're real, and then there was this 'feeling' (can't describe these things any other way, it's like a knowledge of other alters' emotions, like intuition) of one of them going like yeah maybe you shouldn't mention us, which I then didn't, or more so whenever I wanted to they kind of went hey let's do something else

Like very often my alters/friends would play with me and entertain me, and I was never in control of what they would say or do, which I found very fun (wish it still was)

Except I did mention them to my friend before then, who I'll call Heather cuz she used that name a lot in those make-belief games of ours. Heather and I were attached at the hip, the closest that best friends could ever possibly get (both autistic, she's diagnosed with tendencies, I'm in process of ASD assessment), we were infamous in our primary/elementary school, and we of course had some friendship drama between us, being so close

So with my friend Heather, because we were so close, we were pretty possessive of each other. And whenever our other friends took us from each other, like when Heather's other best friend wanted to play with her and didn't like me, we'd get into fights over each other. We got really snarky, or basically bullied each other, and even got into physical fights (I kicked her shins or dragged her by her shirt collar, she retaliated by punching me in the chest, whilst I was very asthmatic, etc etc), all while we were like... year three when it kicked off? That's about 7 or 8. Mental kids. Anyway, this was also, coincidentally, around the time my brother fell ill. And I don't know if it's possible, but I kind of remember the day my OSDD started. Or more like I can guess what day it did, if it did.

One day, Heather had somehow managed to create a game that involved literally all of our friends except me, and lasted a few days excluding only me from the game even when I begged to join, so I sat on my own in my own loneliness and sadness while the brother thing was going on, and I'm wondering if that moment did the breaking? Because I'd always been a social, needy kid, and for years I'd been fighting to keep a friendship and it kicked off and then I basically lost my brother, but not really? And I still can't figure it out, cuz there weren't any particular memories I was avoiding, I was just avoiding feeling lonely, so I don't think that could split my brain, probably could just go as far as dissociating me maybe? I mean I did watch some pretty traumatic stuff as a kid too around that time, like the gacha stuff that had me SH-ing by 10, or watching rainbow dash get her organs ripped out one by one by the cupcakes pinkie pie, and I also watched 🌽 as a kid, like a lot, it was an addiction, and that dissociated me and made me feel uncomfortable existing, so idk. It still just doesn't feel like it's enough to create a rift in my personality

But anyway, I'm posting this because I'm really confused and looking for the personal opinions of people who have this disorder, or something like it, and if your opinion is that you don't think I have it, I'd appreciate that too (not looking for an answer, or a type of trauma, as said in this group thing's guidelines, just some opinions, I plan to go with this to a professional in the future, I just want a discussion right now, as it's also an interesting question).

TW: vague mention/description of body horror. Maybe other tw too but tread carefully-

We(16,AFAB)are undiagnosed (suspected OSDD-1B). Kept on jumbling our labels but now, we don't really want to label ourselves to be safe? For some months now, we were getting comfortable with the label, but now, it feels invalid. Hell, I don't even know what my identity is right now. Just kept on referring to ourselves as Avery, She/her but it still didn't feel right so you can use whatever pronouns. It's really heavy for me(us) and I'm kind of confused. Dissociations happen for us all the time. We can't keep track of time and the only time we ever feel grounded is when we are actively engaging in activities like summer camp in our church, but even then, we are quite literally lying to ourselves by purely being happy. Confessions to our teacher came out so made up. We don't remember details, but still continued with our confession, whatever.

Dissociations aren't consistent but the parts remained consistent. It's so weird. I do remember we had a full conversation for like an hour straight, but then now it's just silence. Silence isn't the part im concerned for, I'm concerned about how I feel like a mutated, melted mess of flesh and bone. Looking at myself in the mirror feels like I'm a skinwalker. I feel stuck in my own skin, and I also feel like the world is surreal, and our identity is unidentified. We don't have label for ourselves at all. Whenever we have EVEN a minor conscious of thinking about how we probably might not even have OSDD-1B is usually(not always) the trigger to make us feel like it. It's so grotesque. I feel gross. Yuck. It's also tied to our dissociation, not just the disgusting feeling but also the part where we don't remember anything that happened this morning or yesterday.

We've been having DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER symptoms for 4 years but we pretty much didn't approach it, because of an incident to which I won't be disclosing(we can't remember either), until recently—which was aroundddd 2025 Sept maybe? I checked the dates of the texts we sent so maybe around that.

TL/TR (is that correct acronym?)
**Are you AWARE of your fragmentation? Ie. Your life and sense of self, or personal experience of life, feel notably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle, or something of the like? Or do you live life closed out from your parts (& experiencing them) —therefore causing you to experience the world as “one” or as a “singular self”** (& maybe you can elaborate? I’m just curious about what other people’s experiences are like, and if anyone feels the way I do. It’s weird flipping between “I’m one person” to “I’m more than one”) Maybe it’s a host / presenter / ANP thing?

—
(Incoming slight ramble)
Does anybody else feel like a single person - unless something disturbs that? I live life like I am a single / whole individual, and perceive myself as one; I have the “single experience” - until for whatever reason there’s movement from parts. It only comes once in the blue moon, these days. I’m hoping for it to increase because I believe that is integration. And though from day to day in my adult years, I live and feel completely as though I am a single — it comes with a price. It comes with a deep feeling of emptiness, gloom, lack of a sense of self, and numbness in my day to day life. I do feel incompete, but more in the sense of my emotions & sense of self - not necessarily because of the *feeling* of fragmentation, or “others” (though I know they are there). I wouldn’t have guessed that I was multiple, without my parts presenting themselves and causing an “inner knowing” and passive influence etc.

When I was a child, I remember feeling *notably* fragmented and viscerally like I was not one whole piece, and I could feel that I was “many”, or multiple. I did not feel like one whole complete person! I remember feeling as a kid that when people looked at me, they weren’t seeing the only me there was. But now I feel like I’m “normal” like everyone else.

I guess overall it’s a lack of awareness. When I was a kid, I was AWARE. Since I got older, somehow I got shutout from that awareness and knowledge that others even exist, until the past year or so. It’s just weird for me to go in and out of these two different feelings & experiences. It’s weird to come back to the knowledge of being fragmented and multiple when you forgot and live as a single person.
It’s like I have to remind myself that I am multiple, and remind myself of the others, and that they’re there. And when we *do* connect, it’s so amazing! It’s everything I could wish for because it does make me feel more whole & like I am finding missing pieces of myself (showing that there is fragmentation I can feel, just not in the same awareness as before. I guess it’s only when they come to me that I notice it. Like “oh, that was missing!”). Does any of this make sense? I *do* feel incomplete, just not in the “there’s multiple different me’s” kind of way that I felt when I I was a kid. It also might be because I don’t switch as much. If I switched more, I’m sure everything would feel more fragmented.

I just wish to come closer and experience my parts more fluidly. 😭 I also feel I’m majorly contradicting myself … I feel like one single person, and not like a whole person at the same time, in different ways. Overall, I just forget they’re there, I think. And I’m repeating myself srry 🤭 It’s hard to explain experiences and feelings sometimes so I tend to repeat myself.

There’s long stretches of time where’s there’s *zero activity* that I can pick up on with my parts. & think this is a huge contributing factor. **Now I am wondering how much others experience their parts?** Does this depend on integration? … there’s so many questions with this disorder😭 thanks for letting me ramble … I still have so many more questions! 😭 thankful for this Reddit though. And that there is a community to share our experiences in. I can’t imagine not having *some* form of community! But I guess that’s also what therapy is for … that I don’t have access to yet 😢 okay, ramble over.

Tw: Mention of SA and SH

I have to talk to talk about this because I'm genuinely sick of being quiet and being dismissed about my trauma just because it "happened years ago" (apparently people dont know easy the FUCK the P in ptsd stands for).

When I was 13-15 I was going through severe depression and dissociative symptoms alot of shit basically wich led me to falling asleep during class and/or being very distracted, my teacher kept sending me to the counselor, so I would drag my heavy slow ass all the way there just for them to ask "Why are you sleeping in class", "Well i really haven't been doing well...I have been getting enough sleep bu-"

"Uh well just go back to class and remember to sleep at night and remember to pay attention"

Once I was sent to another counselor because mine was busy as always and I confided in her about my SA trauma and the fact I wanted to hurt myself, you know what this bitch ask when I told her i felt like my assult was my fault "Well did you like it?" Are you kidding me I WAS 5 I dont think it fucking matters but ofc I said "No", she then just went "See" why would that matter?

I then confided in her about my sh thoughts and she let's me know i wont go to heaven if I end myself, congrats I wasnt planning on going there you fucking asshole, also aren't you people mandatory reporters?

Mind you these are the same dumbasses who when I came into the school with sh marks and had to explain none of them believed me, they asked how I did it and why the marks were so faded, I gave a demonstration and they still didnt belive me, as Im walking witj the nurse cause they called my dad to let him know I needed a mental assessment to make sure I was safe enough to be at the school "just in case"

I walk with the nurse and she goes "Are you sure your not lying" wich i tell her OBVIOUSLY YES and she just goes "Well if you are just to get out of school then thats really sad", please go fuck yourself because why would you say that.

I seriously dont care about these people because they clearly didnt care about me or my life so I dont give a shit about them and im GLAD im doing virtual schooling so I could get away from my abusive classmates and the staff who sat there and watched it happen while watching a student mentally decline and not do SHIT.

Anyone else compare themselves constantly to others especially like trauma stuff? I end up thinking to myself why am I a system and they aren’t? Why am I so messed up? Thinking they had it worse than me even if they didn’t so I shouldn’t be this way. How do I stop comparing?

We're relieved and euphoric. There are more conversations ahead but we helped her realise if she contually shuts two of us down it doesn't actually mean the third is always present.

We have a legally recognized cat ESA called Domino, our little is incredibly shy, fully nonverbal and doesn’t see herself as remotely human. she fronts when she feels safe and when alone. That being said whenever she decides to front Domino has started immediately going to her side and guarding her, even going as far as grooming her hair relentlessly lol. And whenever they do get playful somehow she never comes out with a single scratch on the body (domino can get carried away when hyper and will often give us micro scratches) its honestly incredibly wholesome and helps us feel safe to let her fully front without worrying about her getting in danger :) and has also served as incentive to get her to front more and spend next time stuck in the mindscape!

"Just have someone else in there do it"
"Switch to someone who can take a joke"
"You're just a copycat of your friend"

I can't even express how all of these make me want to just shut everything from everyone and go completely isolated again. But I can't, close family and friends know, and while some are nice about it, most aren't. I'm sick and tired of having people disappointed in me because I "refuse to switch" or "am gatekeeping" THIS!! IS!! MY!! BUSINESS!!!!! Most everyone DOESN'T want to talk to them because of how insufferable it is for it to be what seems the pinnacle of mocking, it's made my entire demeanor super defensive, and friends alike. It doesn't help when people bring up other things, like my friends of choice who have (possibly) faked, the proximity between when me and my other close family member were diagnosed, and stuff like that.

I'm not asking for everyone to be all tip-top shape or even accepting of what we are, I just want to not feel exploited all the time. I really need different friends..

I know i probably don't remember most of it but everyone i find that I relate to seems to have trauma way worse than mine.

I was isolated as a kid and homeschooled but without a stay at home parent so i was alone a lot. I was also around a lot of bad people on and off again who had access to me but I legitimately have no idea if anything happened there or not. All I know is I was sad and lonely so I started making up people to talk to and play pretend as and they just stuck around. My parents never hit me and my mom was mean but I could tell she was trying her best but her main thing was joking and humiliation, not really anything explicitly bad on its own

Idk it seems like other people were in wholly horrific environments and i was just lonely and *maybe* sa'd once or twice??? I guess??

How do you handle it when several parts are speaking at once, each with different needs, fears, or opinions? When parts want different things, like shutting down, explaining, getting angry, feeling scared, or staying functional, how do you slow things down without ignoring anyone? Do you write it out, talk internally, map it, ask them to take turns, or use another process? What actually helps in the moment when it feels noisy or overwhelming?

We have used sims 4 for awhile now but we are so done with the game constantly breaking from cc because thats the only way to make it realistic. Has anyone used inzoi to make their system before, and/or does anyone have suggestions for how to do this? Same with inner world building, sims worked ok but not the best we wish there was a combo between like sims/inzoi and minecraft for the open world building, so any suggestions there would be super helpful too. We love how we could all find super unique very us cc in sims 4 but cant handle the glitches anymore

Im not as scared anymore because i know that there are people who will protect me, even if thoes "people" are just parts of myself, they always have for YEARS and i've always trusted them since the beginning, even if the body gets hurt there's always been someone to hold me or tell me what to do even if it wasnt always the best decision.

i just dont want to feel alone, even just having the others with me makes me feel alot less alone because i've felt like their the only ones who have truely understood me, well and trying to be in groups for people who are dealing with similar things even if were not yet diagnosed i cant just ignore the things im dealing with, but support groups have helped.

i've been through alot and unforutantly feel as though i deserved alot of it, i know nobody is perfect but i've made alot of mistakes in the past between 9 to 16, but im working on that and hopefully we can get a therapist who understands dissociative stuff.

please someone help me, im so scared. i can’t believe this is real i can’t believe this could possibly be my life. it feels like i am stuck in a bad trip i can never wake up from.

all of a sudden i realized its not normal to dissociate all the time and then was hit with the realization that all my confusing overlapping thought streams covered in radio static & constant feeling of phobic dread and avoidance of everything is not normal.

i actually had NO IDEA other people don’t have multiple internal monologues that they talk with to check with different sides of their personality that can also take over their internal monologue/control of my body & are distinctly auditory male or female and different ages/voices. like i LITERALLY hear it. sometimes more sometimes less

it freaks me out. i feel less than human. i feel like i finally understand why i feel like im always running out of time or “waking up” to find ive ruined my life with neglect again. everything makes sense when i let myself listen to my thoughts and i am terrified of that.

i feel like im losing my mind. i feel like i can’t talk about this with anyone other than my therapist. i don’t know what to do at all. i have years of horrible psych industry/TTI trauma and i cannot be viewed as crazy again. i feel like i have no idea who i am anymore.

it freaks me out to think others could say they “relate” with me but how could they?? ive always said that. nobody gets it. and like they LITERALLY DONT GET IT. i feel like ive been taking everyones metaphors too literally my entire life. what do you mean your thoughts aren’t ACTUALLY chattering? i chalked it all up to adhd cptsd and ocd.

i feel like i unlocked a door i cant lock again. please someone talk to me and tell me it will be okay. i don’t know how i am supposed to handle this

They did this yesterday too. I am here with kitty and messaging friends that like me. Our room is too messy to play. I do not know how long I will be here for.

For context, i have been diagnosed with dissociative disorder, bipolar and adhd. My doctor didnt specifically say osdd but said that i need parts integration therapy. Also i went in for bpd symptoms and she said that it is due to dissociation (she doesnt think personality disorders are a thing but its another debate). Osdd-1a fits best for my symptoms and what she said so i accept the diagnosis as this (also have severe dpdr with pseudopsychosis but its acute).

I always focused on my mood and psychotic symptoms and never thought about the “alters” of osdd, i just assumed that when my mood shifts it shifts so much that it is to the degree of identity fragmentation.

Yesterday i was listening to a psychiatrist who is specialized in dissociative disorders and the case study he was telling mentioned a patient who was denying the symptoms. The doctor told the patient to just say “hello” to any alters he might have. He tried it and was suprised that he had an answer back.

This is where it gets confusing for me. I wanted to try it but had conficting expectations. I assume that my diagnosis is accurate and if so i may very well hear something back. On the other hand, my symptoms were mostly mood and psychosis related so i didnt really think that i had this much of a fragmentation.

I tried it, waited for an answer for a few minutes, didnt hear anything back. Then i went on with my life. After a few hours i was listening to a podcast while playing sudoku on extreme difficulty (so my mind was pretty stimulated to wander). Then randomly i “thought” “hi”. I was taken aback. But it happened a couple times more with a few hours in between.

Now im questioning: was it really an alter or was it me just remembering the thing and the thought popping in my head. It felt different than me deliberately thinking “hello”. It popped in my head before i thought about the thing. I dont wanna gaslight myself into believing that i have more distinct alters but also i wanna explore the implications of this diagnosis more since my mental health significantly affects my life even though i have been taking my meds regularly, taking more care of my body and having a relatively stable life.

I also need to mention that through like a week i havent been taking my meds regularly, recently got off heavy antipsychotics and have been a little bit more stressed. I have been feeling a little bit more unstable for the last 4-5 days but nothing clinically significant, just a tad bit more than my usual self.

Anyways, sorry for the long post but if you stayed here so far; any tactics for me to understand if this thought was an alter or not? How was your experience of discovering alters? Thxx

To start this off, I want to preface that I was not diagnosed with DID/OSSD however I have discussed it with a previous therapist who agreed on the idea of me having OSDD. I have attempted to navigate this journey with as much respect as I can as someone without a proper diagnosis so please do not take anything I say too seriously, these are just my honest experiences and thoughts.

I believed I have had some form of OSDD (Most likely PDID) since ~2022 but my general dissociative tendencies date back to childhood. Like I mentioned before I had discussed the possibility of me having OSDD after doing some research and my therapist at the time agreed. It’s no question that I dissociate; that is a fact anybody could observe in themselves, but the question of whether I had OSDD to begin with is not as clear. When I tracked my alters, there weren’t many but they were distinct—a parental protector, a reckless persecutor, a stubborn little, and myself (The host). I suspected I had others but those three (Excluding myself) had the most substantial influence.

In all honesty, I experienced things I can’t describe in a normal singlet context. For example, I have dissociated and fallen into these parts mindsets, or come back to clear consciousness feeling confused about who I was before reassuring myself I am me, or feeling my protector completely wipe my memory during a therapy session, or feeling as though I verbally fought these parts or how my therapist noticed these parts peeking through me. These are all true experiences that regardless of a diagnosis or label I have experienced fully. However, as of recently my life has had a bit of a 180. I am in a better situation than I was a couple of years ago and I have been growing into my own self. I feel as though I am finally discovering who I actually am.

I am currently 19 and have considered the possibility that maybe my OSDD was just me still discovering myself and who I wanted to be or needed to be at the time of my situation. An interesting concept that made me question this possibility was “The Freudian Theory” in which Sigmund Freud explained that everyone’s personality is composed of three identities: the id, the ego, and the superego. The id is the instinctual part of you, the part that thrives off immediate gratification usually through compulsion, desire, aggression, or sexual drive. The ego is the reality principle that comprehends your ideas, morals, and dreams, typically acting as a counter to the id and a moral compass. And lastly, the superego is the mediator, the part that considers both the id and the ego and determines which is better to act upon in reality.

Each one of my distinct alters (Besides the little) correlated to these parts. A parental protector (The Ego), a reckless persecutor (The Id), and myself (The Superego). Although this theory could further support my claim of having OSDD, (having these parts that consist of a personality develop into full personalities through dissociation & trauma) I have not dissociated or experienced anything to indicate these alters are still present. So I wanted to pose this question to the community and ask just based on what I have shared, do you believe it was early self-discovery or OSDD?

(I understand that the true answer to this is discussing it with a professional and if anybody relates to this or is suspecting you have OSDD please speak to a professional and do your research! This was just a discussion to see if this resonated with anybody who has DID/OSDD and if you had any thoughts to add to this discussion!)

warning: I vaugly mentioned SA and its side affects but nothing explicit

I dont know i just feel like my trauma wasnt enough to justify the fact i struggle so heavily with things like dissociation and these identity issues, i started thinking about this because part of me named Jack talked about the trauma very seriously and it came out of seemingly nowhere, i feel like it wasn't that serious, but if its not that serious then why do i think about it constantly, why am i struggling so heavily with dissociation, and why would jack or any of the others be here?

I've told my traumas to friends and therapist and they've validated the fact that what i went through wasn't normal and one of my therapist had to contact CPS about something i told her regarding my mom (wich terrified me when i was younger), and the fact when i tell people about my trauma they look at me in pity or are like 'Oh...sweetie thats absolutely not your fault" and i get slightly confused because to me it wasn't that bad.

I dont have any genitalia issues, no scars, non-epileptic seizures, i rarley cry or feel much when i think about my trauma, for the most part when i think about it its simply just things that happened that i wish weren't in my head, its more like an annoying roommate that always in the back of my head, though i did have a more "severe" reaction in the past.

i don't intend to self diagnose, i do want to bring this to a psychiatrist eventually, but it's stressing me out to have so many things going on in my head that i can't understand. i've been trying for a while to do research and at least attempt to narrow down what all could be going on with me, hopefully so that i can be prepared for when i do actually go to the psychiatrist.

i'm officially diagnosed with DPD, CPTSD and ADHD, and my friends have been dropping hints that they think i have autism as well. i'm hesitant to try and research any further because i don't want to seem like someone who just wants to have a bunch of diagnoses, but i just don't feel like the above disorders cover the full spectrum of issues that impact me. maybe i'm wrong, but it would at least give me some peace of mind to be sure either way.

i'm just gonna try and run down the list of diagnostic criteria and give my experience so that people who DO actually have it for certain can give me a bit more context.

blurred identity/depersonalization: i don't feel like a person half the time. i don't know whether people who interact with me would say differently, but in my own mind i don't think i have major shifts in personality- rather, i feel like i barely have one at all, and it's subject to change based on the people around me rather than anything i am doing. i also repress my personality pretty hard on purpose, having grown up as an extreme people pleaser, so i don't know how different my answer to this would be if i didn't have such a tight grip on my behavior.

internal/involuntary voices: i experience intrusive thoughts on a regular basis, but i don't know if i experience involuntary thoughts as well. sometimes my intrusive thoughts are pretty mundane, not as violent or sexual as usual, but it's never really felt like there's another person in my head talking to me. when i hold conversations with myself in my head, it doesn't feel like i'm talking to a separate person.

amnesia/time loss: i dissociate OFTEN, but a lot of the time it's really mundane. i work at a gas station, and when i go to close up the store i'll go from standing up to being in my car with no memory of whether i actually did all of my tasks. if i think really hard i can usually recall bits and pieces, but i can never be sure how much of it is real and how much of it is my memories of the past hundred nights blending together in my mind. my memory is awful too- i will completely forget entire chunks of my recent personal history, especially if they take place during a stressful time for me. i can recall facts about my childhood, i know the general timeline, but most of it feels less like my personal experience and more a history that i have memorized.

derealization: i don't really experience this much. time distortion and emotional detachment are common issues i deal with, but i never deal with the visual side- no dreamlike world, no muted colors, none of that.

i feel like i fit a decent amount of the criteria, except for maybe the second most important one behind dissociation itself- i don't think i have alters. or at least, if i do, they're REALLY good at not making themselves known. as much as i struggle with my sense of self and my identity, it doesn't feel like it's fractured or splintered off. honestly, this might actually just be my depression getting significantly worse too, but at least if that's the case i can be comfortable knowing. not knowing what's wrong with me is scary, especially when i can't visit a psychiatrist for a long while due to events going on in my life.

I've struggled with disassociative symptoms since I was a child, but in the past few years I have found myself wondering if there is more to it than depersonalization/derealization, age regression and maladaptive daydreaming.

Around two years ago I was dealing with extreme stress due to loss in my family + a toxic relationship. This led to a very brief episode where I heard voices for the first time in my life. It sounded like multiple people were talking over each other but I couldn't make out what was being said, nor could I distinguish the voices from each other. Even though I lived in an apartment unit I knew it wasn't my neighbors I heard, so I decided to ride it out to see what happened. The voices were gone by morning, a period of about 12 hours.

Though this hasn't happened to me again, I decided to bite the bullet and told my last counselor about all of my disassociative symptoms I've experienced in the past. She seemed kind of scared of me and brushed over it whenever I brought it up after that, so I haven't been back (not really surprised as she was not a registered psychologist. I've had two therapists in the past recognize I'm disassociative and not change tune like that).

I'm looking into starting therapy again soon with someone who is actually qualified to treat me but I'm dragging my feet after my last experience. Recently I stumbled upon OSDD/PDID and I honestly relate to a lot of what I've read, particularly greying out. For example, I will be an a state of age regression one day and I might not recognize it until a week later when someone mentions one of my behaviors.

Though I haven't fully grasped the language I've been experimenting by treating my pre-teen age regression state as an individual who I've named Berry.

I used to find myself getting really irritated with myself for my childish mannerisms that jump out at random, but since I've acknowledged Berry the anger has started to dissipate. Berry is a part of me, and I realize now that suppressing them is punishing myself for being me. I cannot change Berry but Berry can help me heal.

One interesting thing I've noticed is Berry does not appear in my maladaptive daydreams, which have been a daily occurrence for the past 16 years. My daydreams usually involve an ideal version of myself (around my current age or maybe a few years younger) living la dolce vita, as if I figured out how to use the sims motherlode cheat irl. I'm not sure if this ideal person is an alter or not, especially because they change alongside my paracosm. I wonder if it's possible this ideal version of myself isn't an alter at all, but a mere figment of my escapism fantasies? Is it possible my paracosm itself is an alter?

Phew, sorry that was so long. I know nobody here can diagnose me, but I am curious to hear other's thoughts, especially if you've had similar experiences and are diagnosed with OSDD/DID or are questioning as well. Any suggestions on how to bring any of this up with my next therapist?