Undiagnosed and Questioning
I've struggled with disassociative symptoms since I was a child, but in the past few years I have found myself wondering if there is more to it than depersonalization/derealization, age regression and maladaptive daydreaming.
Around two years ago I was dealing with extreme stress due to loss in my family + a toxic relationship. This led to a very brief episode where I heard voices for the first time in my life. It sounded like multiple people were talking over each other but I couldn't make out what was being said, nor could I distinguish the voices from each other. Even though I lived in an apartment unit I knew it wasn't my neighbors I heard, so I decided to ride it out to see what happened. The voices were gone by morning, a period of about 12 hours.
Though this hasn't happened to me again, I decided to bite the bullet and told my last counselor about all of my disassociative symptoms I've experienced in the past. She seemed kind of scared of me and brushed over it whenever I brought it up after that, so I haven't been back (not really surprised as she was not a registered psychologist. I've had two therapists in the past recognize I'm disassociative and not change tune like that).
I'm looking into starting therapy again soon with someone who is actually qualified to treat me but I'm dragging my feet after my last experience. Recently I stumbled upon OSDD/PDID and I honestly relate to a lot of what I've read, particularly greying out. For example, I will be an a state of age regression one day and I might not recognize it until a week later when someone mentions one of my behaviors.
Though I haven't fully grasped the language I've been experimenting by treating my pre-teen age regression state as an individual who I've named Berry.
I used to find myself getting really irritated with myself for my childish mannerisms that jump out at random, but since I've acknowledged Berry the anger has started to dissipate. Berry is a part of me, and I realize now that suppressing them is punishing myself for being me. I cannot change Berry but Berry can help me heal.
One interesting thing I've noticed is Berry does not appear in my maladaptive daydreams, which have been a daily occurrence for the past 16 years. My daydreams usually involve an ideal version of myself (around my current age or maybe a few years younger) living la dolce vita, as if I figured out how to use the sims motherlode cheat irl. I'm not sure if this ideal person is an alter or not, especially because they change alongside my paracosm. I wonder if it's possible this ideal version of myself isn't an alter at all, but a mere figment of my escapism fantasies? Is it possible my paracosm itself is an alter?
Phew, sorry that was so long. I know nobody here can diagnose me, but I am curious to hear other's thoughts, especially if you've had similar experiences and are diagnosed with OSDD/DID or are questioning as well. Any suggestions on how to bring any of this up with my next therapist?