u/Sodacat27

Tw: Mention of SA and SH

I have to talk to talk about this because I'm genuinely sick of being quiet and being dismissed about my trauma just because it "happened years ago" (apparently people dont know easy the FUCK the P in ptsd stands for).

When I was 13-15 I was going through severe depression and dissociative symptoms alot of shit basically wich led me to falling asleep during class and/or being very distracted, my teacher kept sending me to the counselor, so I would drag my heavy slow ass all the way there just for them to ask "Why are you sleeping in class", "Well i really haven't been doing well...I have been getting enough sleep bu-"

"Uh well just go back to class and remember to sleep at night and remember to pay attention"

Once I was sent to another counselor because mine was busy as always and I confided in her about my SA trauma and the fact I wanted to hurt myself, you know what this bitch ask when I told her i felt like my assult was my fault "Well did you like it?" Are you kidding me I WAS 5 I dont think it fucking matters but ofc I said "No", she then just went "See" why would that matter?

I then confided in her about my sh thoughts and she let's me know i wont go to heaven if I end myself, congrats I wasnt planning on going there you fucking asshole, also aren't you people mandatory reporters?

Mind you these are the same dumbasses who when I came into the school with sh marks and had to explain none of them believed me, they asked how I did it and why the marks were so faded, I gave a demonstration and they still didnt belive me, as Im walking witj the nurse cause they called my dad to let him know I needed a mental assessment to make sure I was safe enough to be at the school "just in case"

I walk with the nurse and she goes "Are you sure your not lying" wich i tell her OBVIOUSLY YES and she just goes "Well if you are just to get out of school then thats really sad", please go fuck yourself because why would you say that.

I seriously dont care about these people because they clearly didnt care about me or my life so I dont give a shit about them and im GLAD im doing virtual schooling so I could get away from my abusive classmates and the staff who sat there and watched it happen while watching a student mentally decline and not do SHIT.

Im not as scared anymore because i know that there are people who will protect me, even if thoes "people" are just parts of myself, they always have for YEARS and i've always trusted them since the beginning, even if the body gets hurt there's always been someone to hold me or tell me what to do even if it wasnt always the best decision.

i just dont want to feel alone, even just having the others with me makes me feel alot less alone because i've felt like their the only ones who have truely understood me, well and trying to be in groups for people who are dealing with similar things even if were not yet diagnosed i cant just ignore the things im dealing with, but support groups have helped.

i've been through alot and unforutantly feel as though i deserved alot of it, i know nobody is perfect but i've made alot of mistakes in the past between 9 to 16, but im working on that and hopefully we can get a therapist who understands dissociative stuff.

warning: I vaugly mentioned SA and its side affects but nothing explicit

I dont know i just feel like my trauma wasnt enough to justify the fact i struggle so heavily with things like dissociation and these identity issues, i started thinking about this because part of me named Jack talked about the trauma very seriously and it came out of seemingly nowhere, i feel like it wasn't that serious, but if its not that serious then why do i think about it constantly, why am i struggling so heavily with dissociation, and why would jack or any of the others be here?

I've told my traumas to friends and therapist and they've validated the fact that what i went through wasn't normal and one of my therapist had to contact CPS about something i told her regarding my mom (wich terrified me when i was younger), and the fact when i tell people about my trauma they look at me in pity or are like 'Oh...sweetie thats absolutely not your fault" and i get slightly confused because to me it wasn't that bad.

I dont have any genitalia issues, no scars, non-epileptic seizures, i rarley cry or feel much when i think about my trauma, for the most part when i think about it its simply just things that happened that i wish weren't in my head, its more like an annoying roommate that always in the back of my head, though i did have a more "severe" reaction in the past.

Tw: Mention of R*pe

I genuinely dont know what spawned this, we were kinda dissociated in the bathroom and got the urge to just lay on our bedroom floor, so we did and ended up deciding to have a conversation during it.

The conversation was mostly just pointing out things like the fact that years ago we used to lay on the bedroom floor because we were extremely tired and some days felt we didnt deserve to sleep in bed, hell we didnt even deserve the carpet in our mind.

Anyways the conversation continued one and it led to Jack speaking more then usual, he basically used words to describe our trauma such as "R*pe" and other terms that make us really uncomfortable, saying that we had to accept it at some point and that it was in fact stuff that was done to us.

I dont know it was really confusing I barley even process that it actually happened because it was so damn sudden and for seemingly no reason, ive never heard Jack actually be serious nor talk about that kind of stuff, it led to alot of dissociation and me leaving the room because I needed to be out of the environment where that conversation happened for just a few minutes.

I guess he was done being quiet about it, but I didnt even know he was holding all of that, then again he only has a very select people in system that he talks to for example Null.

These are based on things I found on Etsy that i really want in the future ✨️

Adult pacifier

Subtle regression clothes (I saw a short that just said "Daydreamer" with a rocket on it and I think its Subtle enough)

Teethers/chewlery (im autistic and have sensory needs as well)

Accessories for my dolls (things like a toy car seat and small foldable stroller)

Soft blankets (just to add to the bottom of my closet)

More coloring/activity books

And a CG/friend (joking, unfortunately I cant buy that one lol)