Just a some experiences
TW: vague mention/description of body horror. Maybe other tw too but tread carefully-
We(16,AFAB)are undiagnosed (suspected OSDD-1B). Kept on jumbling our labels but now, we don't really want to label ourselves to be safe? For some months now, we were getting comfortable with the label, but now, it feels invalid. Hell, I don't even know what my identity is right now. Just kept on referring to ourselves as Avery, She/her but it still didn't feel right so you can use whatever pronouns. It's really heavy for me(us) and I'm kind of confused. Dissociations happen for us all the time. We can't keep track of time and the only time we ever feel grounded is when we are actively engaging in activities like summer camp in our church, but even then, we are quite literally lying to ourselves by purely being happy. Confessions to our teacher came out so made up. We don't remember details, but still continued with our confession, whatever.
Dissociations aren't consistent but the parts remained consistent. It's so weird. I do remember we had a full conversation for like an hour straight, but then now it's just silence. Silence isn't the part im concerned for, I'm concerned about how I feel like a mutated, melted mess of flesh and bone. Looking at myself in the mirror feels like I'm a skinwalker. I feel stuck in my own skin, and I also feel like the world is surreal, and our identity is unidentified. We don't have label for ourselves at all. Whenever we have EVEN a minor conscious of thinking about how we probably might not even have OSDD-1B is usually(not always) the trigger to make us feel like it. It's so grotesque. I feel gross. Yuck. It's also tied to our dissociation, not just the disgusting feeling but also the part where we don't remember anything that happened this morning or yesterday.
We've been having DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER symptoms for 4 years but we pretty much didn't approach it, because of an incident to which I won't be disclosing(we can't remember either), until recently—which was aroundddd 2025 Sept maybe? I checked the dates of the texts we sent so maybe around that.