Do you feel like a single person, or like a multiple (fragmented, incomplete, not whole)?
TL/TR (is that correct acronym?)
**Are you AWARE of your fragmentation? Ie. Your life and sense of self, or personal experience of life, feel notably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle, or something of the like? Or do you live life closed out from your parts (& experiencing them) —therefore causing you to experience the world as “one” or as a “singular self”** (& maybe you can elaborate? I’m just curious about what other people’s experiences are like, and if anyone feels the way I do. It’s weird flipping between “I’m one person” to “I’m more than one”) Maybe it’s a host / presenter / ANP thing?
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(Incoming slight ramble)
Does anybody else feel like a single person - unless something disturbs that? I live life like I am a single / whole individual, and perceive myself as one; I have the “single experience” - until for whatever reason there’s movement from parts. It only comes once in the blue moon, these days. I’m hoping for it to increase because I believe that is integration. And though from day to day in my adult years, I live and feel completely as though I am a single — it comes with a price. It comes with a deep feeling of emptiness, gloom, lack of a sense of self, and numbness in my day to day life. I do feel incompete, but more in the sense of my emotions & sense of self - not necessarily because of the *feeling* of fragmentation, or “others” (though I know they are there). I wouldn’t have guessed that I was multiple, without my parts presenting themselves and causing an “inner knowing” and passive influence etc.
When I was a child, I remember feeling *notably* fragmented and viscerally like I was not one whole piece, and I could feel that I was “many”, or multiple. I did not feel like one whole complete person! I remember feeling as a kid that when people looked at me, they weren’t seeing the only me there was. But now I feel like I’m “normal” like everyone else.
I guess overall it’s a lack of awareness. When I was a kid, I was AWARE. Since I got older, somehow I got shutout from that awareness and knowledge that others even exist, until the past year or so. It’s just weird for me to go in and out of these two different feelings & experiences. It’s weird to come back to the knowledge of being fragmented and multiple when you forgot and live as a single person.
It’s like I have to remind myself that I am multiple, and remind myself of the others, and that they’re there. And when we *do* connect, it’s so amazing! It’s everything I could wish for because it does make me feel more whole & like I am finding missing pieces of myself (showing that there is fragmentation I can feel, just not in the same awareness as before. I guess it’s only when they come to me that I notice it. Like “oh, that was missing!”). Does any of this make sense? I *do* feel incomplete, just not in the “there’s multiple different me’s” kind of way that I felt when I I was a kid. It also might be because I don’t switch as much. If I switched more, I’m sure everything would feel more fragmented.
I just wish to come closer and experience my parts more fluidly. 😭 I also feel I’m majorly contradicting myself … I feel like one single person, and not like a whole person at the same time, in different ways. Overall, I just forget they’re there, I think. And I’m repeating myself srry 🤭 It’s hard to explain experiences and feelings sometimes so I tend to repeat myself.
There’s long stretches of time where’s there’s *zero activity* that I can pick up on with my parts. & think this is a huge contributing factor. **Now I am wondering how much others experience their parts?** Does this depend on integration? … there’s so many questions with this disorder😭 thanks for letting me ramble … I still have so many more questions! 😭 thankful for this Reddit though. And that there is a community to share our experiences in. I can’t imagine not having *some* form of community! But I guess that’s also what therapy is for … that I don’t have access to yet 😢 okay, ramble over.