r/OCDRecovery

For about 6 months, anything to do with college has given me disgusting anxiety. I’ve had hyperventilating, rolling on the floor level panic attacks over sending emails and waiting for grades. Nothing bad has ever happened to me and I’ve never failed, but my brain loves to catastrophize to nauseating, delusional levels over it.

Today, I had a small assignment due and I wasn’t able to get around to it until a couple hours before the due date. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get it done, so I closed my laptop and purposely “wasted” my time. It was due at 11:59pm and it is now almost 5am. I’m almost finished with it and other than some slight hand shaking, I didn’t panic or really think negatively of it.

The course is incredibly easy and my professor is cool and is incredibly lenient on turning in work so I’m confident the worst that’ll happen will be just a couple points off my already almost perfect grade. I’m not going to let my brain convince me that this will get me kicked out of college. The semester will be over in under 3 weeks, I can do this :)

I have posted here before about my OCD affecting my relationship, and I am still struggling with it. When I was first diagnosed with OCD, my partner wanted to attend an ERP session with me and started googling what to do for me and immediately withdrew reassurance. I told them I wasn’t ready for that and I just needed time to figure things out a bit on my own. We never got into a good place where I felt supported, and now I have expressed what I need and they argue and disagree and finally we landed on them needing to disengage from talking about my OCD and offering support.

I get it, I really do. I get the compassion fatigue, but I feel they have compassion fatigue from trying to do a bunch of things I never asked for. I never felt like I got the space to think about what they could do to actually support me, but I never wanted so much involvement from them, and all I want now is for them to respond to my OCD with response prevention phrases I provided for them instead of telling me that my feelings are just OCD. I get they need a break and want to give it to them, but because I never felt like I had the space to contemplate, articulate, and practice the support I think I want, my gut instinct is to emotionally pull away and avoid them.

What do I do? Is this a chance for me to sit with the discomfort of having negatively affected someone and not being able to fix it immediately? Is it intrusive thoughts that are preventing me from seeing that a boundary about how involved they are will be restorative for the relationship? Avoidance is a compulsion for me, so pulling away and shutting down feels like the wrong answer but I also don’t know what to make of the fact that I never felt like anyone asked what would help me feel supported while accommodating my OCD less…

Hello, I am looking for advice for an annoying compulsion. It started recently, my OCD began pushing me to say my ex-partners name, when I’m with my partner (all though it also makes me want to misname other people). I find it very difficult to manage, primarily because it always feels like I’m going to say it, and I am terrified that it will eventually happen. My girlfriend knows about this, but I know that it would still be a very upsetting experience for her, and I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or sad. What do I do? Are there any mind strategies I could use?

Im 20(F) and my friend is 19(M). We are friends for almost 8 years. Last year i moved out for college and he was still living in our hometown so we were not seeing eachother a lot but we kept communcating often. I was throwing a party and he came for like 3 days. At that time he confessed me he is bi and i was the first person he ever told this. Also he told me that he got diagnosed with ocd. He explained everything to me, from what ocd really is to what the past few months of his life were. And they were awful. He is from a very religius family and he felt so guilty about liking boys. So i guess thats what activated the disorder. Anyways, he tells me that, i ask questions to understand etc and from then, we talk about it often, especially for his sexuality and i saw his become more confident agbout himself. I think i made him realise its okay to be whatever. Because due to his family, he had the idea that nobody would or should accept him. Time goes on and his family finds out. The chaos begins. Awful things happen. I go as often as i can to our hometown to help him and support him. They said and did awful things. This thing goes on for about 3-4 months and then eventually his family calms down. Not that they accept it, but there is not a chaos going on all day. So summer goes by, everthings fine, we are going out almost every other day. Then, september comes. He started canceling me, with excuses like he ill or something. I believe it so i dont think very much of it. One week is becoming two weeks and so on. So i start worrying and susspecting something bad is happening. He does not answering any messages or calls and he is nowhere to be found. I went to find his father because i was really worried. I had in my mind that the gay thing came to the surface again so they dont let him out or they took his phone. His father was very angry with me because i was asking a lot of people were he was etc. I told him im worried and asked what happened. He said that my friend is sick and is not okay and when he will be better he will contact me. I was socked. I didnt know what else to do. I never stopped reaching out to him, saying im here for him and whenever he wants we can catch up. also that he doesnt need to explain anything to me, i just want to see him cause io missed him. I didnt want him to feel the burden of having to explain things that he may dont want to. Now is april. He sarted answering to some texts but nothing special. A few days ago i saw him. We catched up a little. He is like 30kg up, seeming not okay. He was always a guy that was working out and stuff so that rung a bell that he may not be okay. Another thing is that when he first told me about his ocd and started the medication, he was a lot better and he started having hate for the church. He did not like that they didnt not allow him to be what he wanted. Anyways, when i saw him a few days earlier, he had just done a tattoo sayin smth "god lover" and a cross. I was very confused and very sad because he is clearly going through a very difficult phase but i dont know any possible way that i can help him or even just be by his side. He completely cut off everyone. I feel awful. What's your advise?

for some context I have been struggling with OCD for years now and also various physical health issues. I won’t get into specifics but one thing that really has been messing me up is concerns over medication risks and fears of having the worse possible outcome if I take a medication I need to take. One of my worst ocd fears include my eyesight and the possibility of it getting worse, and this causes me to always look up the possible side effects on the eyes of any medication I may take. Obviously after this I completely psych myself out and can’t take the medication because I become convinced it will be bad for me. I’m working to hopefully get on medication to help my ocd itself soon, but in the meantime, is there any way to manage this situation by itself?

EXISTENTIAL OCD TRIGGER WARNING!

I don’t like being like this. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to stop. I’ve posted before, quite a bit. It’s some relief. If you’ve seen me before you know what my crisis is about, summed up ontological nihilism, what if I’m not real or nothing is, the concept of nothingness/nothing.

I was reading a book, doing thing I like to try to live my life, Play It As It Lays by Joan Didion. It’s not existential or at least not in the way that I thought would trigger me. On page 66 or 67 there was a sentence “As if in a trance Maria watched the woman, for it seemed to her then that she was watching the dead still center of the world, the quintessential intersection of nothing.” I don’t know what it means, it might be some silly author writer. The word nothing is of course what got me. She says the dead still center of the world which she relates to the quintessential intersection of “nothing”. Is the world the nothing? I could be completely misunderstanding it, it’s the type of writing I’m likely too.

I also read an article: Joan Didion’s ‘Play it as it Lays’ A Meditation on Nothingness. Which certainly elevates my stress.

How ridiculous am I that a horrible days long spiral can be triggered by a single sentence. I was feeling a bit better so I tried to do things I enjoy, tried to live my life but it seems I can’t even do that without stumbling upon a word or a phrase that may or may not be what I think it is. I think about songs too or poems that have or seem to have words or ideas that scare me.

I can calm myself down occasionally. I’ll be doing fine then something happens and I won’t be doing fine. I don’t think people understand me. Others share my fears or at least I think they do but nobody gets as triggered as I do but this stuff by everything it seems sometimes. They want me to just stop and not react to fear and anxiety and I want to but I just can’t. Not for any substantial amount of time. I’ll sometimes set a timer for like half an hour before acting on whatever it is I want to do to alleviate the stress, usually post, but the second my created timer rings I am practically itching to do it.

Maybe some of you know what it is like to go through this. To be triggered by so much and so little at the same time. Basically be searching for something else to upset you.

I had OCD since my childhood and going to therapy since 2020 and I had a significant recovery about a majority of my obsessions. However, after having a bad argument with an insane/schizo neighbour a month and a half ago (who was also attacking my parents when I was a child), my anxiety just went on the roof (I guess it also originates from some trauma). But I was still fine in this sense until I had a ego death experience with the green thing 2 weeks after that. My ocd sypmtoms started to go back again, and I developped a severe fear of developing psychosis. Whenever I spot an irrational thought (such as thinking someone is watching me and me obsessing over it or some irrational contamination fear or perceiving something as a sign), I start to panic and this genuinely counsumed me so much. I involuntarily start to question if the things i see and hear are real or not and panic over it. Idk what to do..

I’ve been in weekly ERP (at one point twice weekly) for almost two years now and I’m at a point where I think I need to reassess my options. My therapist does a mix of ERP, I-cbt & ACT. He’s supposed to be one of the best ocd therapists in my state and yet I’m still majorly struggling. Idk if my expectations are realistic or not but I still go through periods where I struggle so bad, the only choice i feel I have is to shut down/close off from all my thoughts and try to get by until my next session. So, we compiled a list of my rituals and been working through them, but there are still my main fears that’ve landed me in therapy in the first place that we haven’t even touched. My anxiety gets all consuming. I’m not progressing in the way that I apparently should. Like, you work on the ritual reductions and they go down with time. For me, they could go down and out of nowhere something triggers me and they go straight back up to a 10 and my OCD rule is that it’s not safe to do anything anymore. The frustrating part is that I’ll get triggers that are not even on my list to begin with that come out of nowhere, when I otherwise feel like I’m progressing and then it’s game over again. It happens so quickly, I suddenly have all these new rules I must live by and if I try to expose myself to them, anxiety level is 10/10. It’s like my brain has an automatic rule that it’s linked to the highest anxiety thing on my list. A rule that keeps seeming to come up is that when I feel overwhelmed by something, as a safety behaviour, I have to avoid a bunch of other things on my list that previously was a 0-2. When I speak to my shrink about it, he tells me not to engage with the thoughts and not let the theme expand and I try but I feel like it’s a Chinese finger trap. I don’t even know how I got there in the first place. Then before I know it I’m stuck in this web that’s so confusing to get out of. Then I don’t even remember what is dangerous and what isn’t so everything just feels dangerous. Even doing the therapy work feels dangerous. I feel like recovery has become so all consuming and I’m spending so much on it, I barely get to go on vacations or do things I like. I’m on 40mg of fluoxetine and take a bunch of calming supplements but my therapist doesn’t want me to increase my dose because I went through a period of nasty side effects whenever I increased dose. I don’t know if I’m just not getting it or if I’m not a candidate for this type of treatment or what. But I do not what this to be my life. It’s so debilitating

People are saying an outfit a popstar was wearing was infantilising and I remember thinking the outfit looks weird but the infantilisation thing never occured to me and I'm scared because I like the popstar's music and my OCD latches onto conventionally attractive women (Even though I don't feel attraction) and they mentioned another popstar also wearing infantilising outfits which again never occured to me (But I also don't think that one's true from what I've seen)

title explains it all

i’m tired of worrying if “i’m a bad person,” because it’s becoming exhausting. i don’t seek to talk to people anymore because i don’t deserve it since “i’m a bad person,” and i’m starting to isolate again.

i’ve already had low self esteem from past issues but recently i’ve noticed what my borderline abusive / controlling ex boyfriend has told me has reinforced this.

does anyone have ANY advice possible to stop this? because i know logically im not a bad person i just can’t stop feeling like i am.

just curious!!

i’m on prozac, rexulti, guanfacine, and propanolol!!

I am diagnosed with General anxiety disorder and depression but recently with the beginning of this year I had a lot of stress and changes in my life that made me feel very unstable. I started having distressing thoughts towards people I care about that make me ruminate for the whole day without a stop. my mind focuses on whatever fears I have and it convinces me they’re true. I would say my mind hasn’t stopped thinking and worrying for weeks or months. there are things that I see that trigger these thoughts and feel like signs which I know doesn’t make any sense. sometimes I see certain numbers and they feel like they have meaning. I over think a lot of conversations fearing they mean something or are signs of bad things happening. It honestly feels like I’m going crazy. It truly feels like theres a psychopath inside my head that knows exactly what will bother me the most and attacks me with it.

This disorder hurts. My brain beats me up all day and it hurts. It knows my soft spots and where I cave easily. I stay strong but it does hurt me a lot. Does anyone else feel this way?

This shit is so fucking hard. I don't know if I can ever like feel good or happy. I haven't felt happy in like idk. I can't remember the last time I felt like actually good. not like fake good but good good.

How do I motivate myself to keep going after a bad relapse that started a year ago? How do I start therapy by being positive and optimistic?

Cause rn I’m very exhausted and pessimistic!

What are your experiences?

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share my feelings about the ERP (Eye Movement Response) I'm using for my suicidal OCD. I've done many types of exposure (writing suicide letters, writing scenarios where I commit suicide, putting a knife to my throat, telling myself I was doomed and that I was going to kill myself), and each time I did these exposures, I felt completely in tune with and not really in agreement with what I was doing. As a result, my brain registered that I wasn't serious and that everything I was doing was fake. Because of this, I can't raise my anxiety levels to expose myself. I feel like my OCD-related anxiety always arises when I don't control it, but if I try to trigger anxiety myself, it doesn't work. So, "OF COURSE," my OCD sometimes tells me that if I can't create anxiety, then "OF COURSE" it's not OCD, which means that "OF COURSE" I'm really suicidal. When I have these thoughts, I obviously practice cognitive defusion and I don't dwell on it.

But here's the thing: ERP isn't working, but anxiety appears and disappears at any moment, and there's no trigger that can set them off, not even myself. What do you think?

Have you had the same problem with ERP?

And how did you solve it?

I'm currently practicing my ERP. I only do it when anxiety is coming on, and I amplify my thoughts to increase my anxiety. But only when the anxiety arises. We'll see if it works.

Hi everyone!! Recently, I started reading about ROCD and what it means, and I realized that maybe I could be experiencing it too. Everything began after my partner and I had a very serious argument. After that, I started doubting our relationship and questioning whether I truly love him. Something similar happened once before — after an argument, I questioned my feelings, but within about a week my love came back. This time, though, it hasn’t really returned for weeks or even months… maybe only once or twice. At the beginning of this (if it really is ROCD), I was extremely anxious. I was so scared that I vomited every morning, had panic attacks, couldn’t eat, and cried constantly. Now it’s “only” crying and occasional panic. I’m terrified that I’ve fallen out of love with my partner. I don’t want that to be true. Before all of this, I was so happy with him. I imagined my whole life with him — he meant everything to me. There was a period (and sometimes it still happens) when everything he did or said annoyed me. Things like his teeth or his body started bothering me, even though they never used to before. I feel so guilty about this, and I don’t want it to be true, but I’m scared I might just be lying to myself.

Thoughts keep coming like:
“What if I’m just attached?”
“What if I was never really in love?”
“What if I’m only with him for sex?”
“What if we’re not compatible at all?”

I’m getting really tired…Unfortunately, I often feel like "Nothing good comes of him, no matter what him do..." I’m already seeing a psychologist because of my anxious attachment, but I haven’t seen a specialist for ROCD yet. When I think about losing him, it feels like my heart is breaking. I can’t bear it. When I look back at our past, our relationship felt so magical, and I miss feeling that love with him so much (and I don’t mean just the honeymoon phase — I understand that). One day, when he touched my thigh, it felt really nice… but then my mind immediately said: “It only feels good because you’re attached. You’re lying to yourself.” Another time, during intimacy, I could clearly imagine our future together and it felt amazing — but right after, my thoughts said: “You’re only with him for sex.” I even had a dream where we were together and I really enjoyed it, but then my mind questioned it again: “What if you only want to be his lover? What if you’re not even in love?”

I don't know if it matters but I once had a period where I felt something strange in my vagina... Like there was something there. Sorry for the expression, but my brain wanted to convince me that I must be feeling this because I'm transgender and I'm not really a woman. Which is funny because there's no girlier girl in the world than me. (I wear pink everything and I LOVE being a woman) I panicked so much from this thought that I didn't dare look at myself for weeks and thought I was a boy... During this period I didn't dare look at my partner either because I felt shame and guilt. I don't know if I'm normal...

I know I’m supposed to let these thoughts pass, and I’ve read that ERP could help… Every single day I look forward to talking to him or being with him. But when we are actually together, I feel bad because I don’t feel the love the way I used to. Before our big arguments, I never questioned my feelings — I just felt them naturally.

Today, I went to the doctor, and on my way home I passed a store where we used to shop together. I suddenly started crying because I miss him so much. I called him and waited for his messages and calls like a little child waiting…He came over today before his class, and I didn’t feel love — but I felt something similar to when we first met. I don’t know if these feelings are normal.

10:01

The questioning of my gender has stopped, but a month ago I was in a car with my best friend, where I accidentally touched her hand and I started having thoughts like: "What if I'm a lesbian? What if I've never been attracted to boys? What if that's why I don't feel love for my partner?"

When I'm with my partner I like to watch movies, laugh, do anything with him. I like to shower, have sex, kiss, but I don't feel the romance like before ROCD. I know many will say that that love fades away but that's NOT what I'm thinking here...

I was at a baseball game yesterday and my thigh touched the thigh of the guy sitting next to me. I didn’t move away from his thigh right away and I kind of liked the sensation. it was like a few seconds and then he nonchalantly moved his away, didn’t seem like he freaked out.

But I am very disturbed by this. One of my scariest themes is involuntary molesting someone. This always manifests as thoughts but I felt like I actually acted out an intrusive thought and my fear of becoming a molester has come true. I’m just so disturbed that I liked it and didn’t move away from him right away. I hope he wasn’t freaked out. Has anyone dealt with something like this?

hello 23F here! i posted in here around 2 months ago because i was struggling a lot with real event ocd and i got a really helpful comment which among other things mentioned how checking reddit is also a compulsion, so i took in those words and genuinely stopped that, as hard as it was.

even now as i'm writting this here on reddit i can at least say i haven't been scrolling through here and seriously only came to ask for advice on my own post because i currently cant go therapy. (hopefully soon tho😓)

2 months ago i forced myself as hard as i could to deal with the thoughts but cease the looking stuff up, the confessing, reassurance seeking, mental replaying of things over and over etc and i mentioned how i kept trying to at least keep doing stuff i like despite it being hard. that's still true and for these two months i actually was doing okay.

and now suddenly the same event came to me again and it feels like it came even stronger. i'm still trying really hard but it got triggered really badly by simply finding out how GREATLY and SWEETLY someone spoke about me to one of my family members. how ridiculous that sounds but thats ocd for you😭 it feels vile for anyone to have a good opinion of me lol

i swear i mean it when i say i am trying and i DO see progress in how i deal with things, but this week has been specially rough and i just want some general ocd advice, NOT reassurance just genuine advice specially on how to... enjoy things again? because although at the very least i still go out and meet up people, this week i havent even listened to my favorite band. and i havent played my instruments which usually helps me when i struggle with literally ANYTHING else and its my favorite thing to do. i havent drawn at all. i message my friends but i keep giving curt replies which is SO unlike me but it's like i cant do better than that. my appetite has been so drastically bad that even my mom pointed out how thin i was getting.

i am really not in danger and i guarantee that, but it feels like this week especially im looking at life through lenses of already being over, like im looking at the credits. i kept crying today and trying the hardest i possibly could to not "relapse" on my google searching and so on, it actually felt like i was physically fighting it.

i know this post sounds a bit sad and i apologize if it breaks any rule, but ultimately im really just asking for advice on how to manage these really low moments when actively fighting against compulsions. anything will help :)