Is this normal? Am I have ROCD?
Hi everyone!! Recently, I started reading about ROCD and what it means, and I realized that maybe I could be experiencing it too. Everything began after my partner and I had a very serious argument. After that, I started doubting our relationship and questioning whether I truly love him. Something similar happened once before — after an argument, I questioned my feelings, but within about a week my love came back. This time, though, it hasn’t really returned for weeks or even months… maybe only once or twice. At the beginning of this (if it really is ROCD), I was extremely anxious. I was so scared that I vomited every morning, had panic attacks, couldn’t eat, and cried constantly. Now it’s “only” crying and occasional panic. I’m terrified that I’ve fallen out of love with my partner. I don’t want that to be true. Before all of this, I was so happy with him. I imagined my whole life with him — he meant everything to me. There was a period (and sometimes it still happens) when everything he did or said annoyed me. Things like his teeth or his body started bothering me, even though they never used to before. I feel so guilty about this, and I don’t want it to be true, but I’m scared I might just be lying to myself.
Thoughts keep coming like:
“What if I’m just attached?”
“What if I was never really in love?”
“What if I’m only with him for sex?”
“What if we’re not compatible at all?”
I’m getting really tired…Unfortunately, I often feel like "Nothing good comes of him, no matter what him do..." I’m already seeing a psychologist because of my anxious attachment, but I haven’t seen a specialist for ROCD yet. When I think about losing him, it feels like my heart is breaking. I can’t bear it. When I look back at our past, our relationship felt so magical, and I miss feeling that love with him so much (and I don’t mean just the honeymoon phase — I understand that). One day, when he touched my thigh, it felt really nice… but then my mind immediately said: “It only feels good because you’re attached. You’re lying to yourself.” Another time, during intimacy, I could clearly imagine our future together and it felt amazing — but right after, my thoughts said: “You’re only with him for sex.” I even had a dream where we were together and I really enjoyed it, but then my mind questioned it again: “What if you only want to be his lover? What if you’re not even in love?”
I don't know if it matters but I once had a period where I felt something strange in my vagina... Like there was something there. Sorry for the expression, but my brain wanted to convince me that I must be feeling this because I'm transgender and I'm not really a woman. Which is funny because there's no girlier girl in the world than me. (I wear pink everything and I LOVE being a woman) I panicked so much from this thought that I didn't dare look at myself for weeks and thought I was a boy... During this period I didn't dare look at my partner either because I felt shame and guilt. I don't know if I'm normal...
I know I’m supposed to let these thoughts pass, and I’ve read that ERP could help… Every single day I look forward to talking to him or being with him. But when we are actually together, I feel bad because I don’t feel the love the way I used to. Before our big arguments, I never questioned my feelings — I just felt them naturally.
Today, I went to the doctor, and on my way home I passed a store where we used to shop together. I suddenly started crying because I miss him so much. I called him and waited for his messages and calls like a little child waiting…He came over today before his class, and I didn’t feel love — but I felt something similar to when we first met. I don’t know if these feelings are normal.
10:01
The questioning of my gender has stopped, but a month ago I was in a car with my best friend, where I accidentally touched her hand and I started having thoughts like: "What if I'm a lesbian? What if I've never been attracted to boys? What if that's why I don't feel love for my partner?"
When I'm with my partner I like to watch movies, laugh, do anything with him. I like to shower, have sex, kiss, but I don't feel the romance like before ROCD. I know many will say that that love fades away but that's NOT what I'm thinking here...