r/Divorce_Women

My 6yo came into my bedroom tonight because they were having trouble sleeping. I asked what was going on. They said they were picturing their father's father (paternal grandfather) sawing me apart because he doesn't like me. I reassured her he would never do that, and that he had not reason not to like me (he honestly doesn't. His son cheated. If he's mad we got a divorce, be mad at his son for cheating and lying. Pre-divorce, I always got along really well with him).

I found this beyond disturbing and immediately sent an email to my lawyers as documentation.

In addition to this, my child always displays significant signs of anxiety on days she's dropped back with me. They panic about any mistake they make, and they think I'm going to yell at them (for example, they dropped something down the sink accidentally. They balled up around my legs and sobbing, apologized over and over). They've been unusually cruel. They called my father a fat idiot and told their sibling they're going to hell. && they've shown signs of high anxiety--quick to be angry, frustrated, overreacting, etc. I would say this might be developmental growing pains, but it calms down after a day or so with me.

I plan on calling their counselor tomorrow and seeing if I can talk to her independently. If I bring up any of this in their session, their father will make an excuse or claim the same behavior is happening at his house.

I'm so angry and feel like I need to do something to make things better for my child, but I have nothing I can do.

My husband and I have been close to divorce twice now in the last year. Both times decided to keep trying because I felt it was better than blowing up our kid’s lives. We have 4 between ages 7 and 16. Been married 17 years, since I was 19, almost half my lifetime. Each time we have a blow up it’s harder to repair, and every time repair is only possible once I decide to take the blame for our problems and gaslight myself into believing my issues aren’t that big of a deal.

Our main issues are parenting differences and money. Last week one of our teenagers got suspended, we’ve had a lot of challenges with her this year, due mainly to the influence of a couple girls she’s latched onto and allowed to influence her. She’s a good kid, smart and talented, who is struggling. He sees a bad kid who needs to be punished with chores, and he resents her for how much we spend on her dance classes. I feel resentment from him towards all of us, he thinks we spend too much money and don’t help out enough with chores.

There’s a lot built up after 17 years, and I have come to realize that we do not see things the same way when it comes to parenting, life, priorities, anything. To the point I have no romantic love for him anymore.

My daughter asked both of us separately if we were going to get divorced because our fight last week was bigger than any we’ve had and the kids witnessed it. My husband exploded because I felt he was mistreating our daughter so I tried to step in. Her older sister also thought he was mistreating her and spoke up. It was traumatic for all of us. But he hasn’t apologized or admitted that he did anything wrong when we talked the next morning, he just went off on me about how much we spend on dance and how he’s driving a shitty car and we just do everything we want and walk all over him. Now he’s pissy because I’m still mad and not just moving on like nothing happened. I told her I don’t know if we’ll get divorced and she said she’s fine with it if we do, she just wants us to be happy.

I don’t want to be with him, but I fear the money and parenting issues will only get worse if we get divorced. We will lose the house. It will even harder for me to give my kids the opportunities and experiences I want them to have, especially because my husband doesn’t care about them having that. I feel so stuck, like there’s no solution that allows anyone to be happy or have peace.

So my husband (35m) and I (31F) have been together for 13 years and married for just over 5 years. We have a 4yo soon to be 5yo son. My life is absolutely miserable.

I hate myself so much because of the choices I’ve made, I have lost myself completely. I do everything financially in my household and when it comes to my son, I am the primary care giver and my son and I have the most amazing relationship. My husband is extremely emotionally and mentally abusive to me (not to our son). I think I just need to vent a little and also get some advice. So here’s my story.

My husband has always had a bit of a drug and alcohol problem, not to the point where he drinks daily or takes drugs daily but when he does(probably every 2 weeks or so), he becomes extremely abusive. He threatens me, screams in my face, breaks things, picks on my family, picks on everything, degrades me. He doesn’t feel ashamed to embarrass me infront of anyone, he will scream at me infront of my son. He forces me to sleep with him in that state and even if I am sobbing he doesn’t care, he sometimes holds me down and then when his boner goes down he blames me for crying. I don’t fight back, I don’t even bring it up the next day because I am terrified. When he is sober he is moody as hell and ever ready to fight. I just keep quiet and go about my duties. I cook, clean, pay for everything and work a full time job. He doesn’t contribute a single cent towards our son or our home. He doesn’t even help with anything in the home. I am so sick of it. I grew up in a household of drug addicts and alcoholics. I do not want that for my son. Further to that he disrespects me so badly. I have told him I will leave him if he does drugs again, he still does it. He has no regard at all. Now the simple thing would be to leave, which I know I should do. The problem is that I genuinely do love my in-laws, they are amazing and I would hate to lose them. They are also unaware of what I go through with him. The second issue is my son, although he is a terrible husband and father, he is still very caring towards our son. My son loves him so so so much, he does play with him and stuff like that, he isn’t a bad father in that sense, but he is a bad father with regard to the things I see, my son is obviously too little to see these things, for example if I am out for the day, he will not think of giving our son food, instead just have him eat junk the entire day, he won’t give him a bath or help with his homework or anything, even when we take our son out for the day, he will never contribute towards the outing, he will never pay for supper etc. Further to that, he will scream at me and disrespect me infront of our son, he will break things and stuff infront of him, and he will bad mouth me to him. My son never disrespects me in turn, but it’s only a matter of time before it starts happening.

Now my fear is that if I leave, my son will not understand why we are not at home and why we are not with dad. To him he’s a great dad because that’s all he understands, what if my husband manipulates him later on into hating me because he won’t remember or know of the bad stuff his dad has done to me. My question is, ladies who have experienced this or something similar, should I wait until my son is a bit older and can understand before I leave, or should I leave now and deal with the consequences? A part of me strongly feels like I should just wait until he’s a bit older. But another part of me is losing my mind. I am so depressed, so angry and so sad all the time. I do give my best to my child but I hate myself for putting him in this position with the choices I made by being with his father. I have so much to vent about and I have absolutely no one I can speak to. I don’t have any friends, I don’t have a good relationship with my family, I don’t have anyone. I don’t have any type of support system. That’s another thing, if I leave I’m going to be putting my son into a completely different lifestyle, he’s used to what we have now, and I don’t want to take that away from him before he can understand.

Sorry for the long post. I just need someone to talk to. I am losing my mind.

TLDR: I am being emotionally, financially and mentally abused, but want to wait until my son is older to leave so that he does not get manipulated into believing that I broke up our family.

I feel we are heading towards divorce. We started marriage counseling but it may be too little too late. We have our 3rd appt. next week.

I am coming to realize that he will probably never emotionally show up for me in the way that I want and that he may genuinely be incapable. I need to start to emotionally distance myself from him. Neither one of us has had their needs met, likely for years.

I turn to him if I’m upset, or happy, or anything. I want to not text him throughout the day. I want to begin to emotionally shut those things down the way he has. I wish I had noticed it sooner. He hasn’t texted me throughout the day probably for a couple of years, but he used to. I keep acting like nothing has changed when everything has changed.

We have two young elementary aged children. We will have been married 11 years this year. I can’t block him because of the children.

He wants to coparent and live in the same home on different floors and stay together but separate finances. I want a partner and I want emotional support and I want everything that should be. I don’t think I can do what he is asking even if it makes the most sense financially. I don’t think I have it in me.

I need some kind of actionable advice on how to disentangle myself emotionally and start emotionally separating before we do the finances, bills, home sale, etc. We have been in this home 13 years and there is no way I could afford to keep it. The house has almost doubled in value.

I can’t afford to even get a 3 bedroom apartment in this area. Those go for more than my mortgage currently. I suppose any advice on fully disentangling our lives and finances would be welcome.

Title says it all. Throw away account. I knew I wanted a divorce before my emotional affair. I asked for a divorce, he promises to change. Then he learned about the affair and is holding our kids as his manipulation tactic. I agreed to fix the marriage with him at this point, but I think i agreed to it out of survival. Ive been invisible in my marriage for so long, a SAHM to 4 kids, 2 with significant special needs. We've been married almost 8 years. Im exhausted, depressed and burnt out. I know I cheated and im not innocent, but he logged into and tried to change passwords ans recovery numbers on my Google accounts and other social media and I feel so violated. I dont have alot of hope moving forward, but the only thing I care about is my kids. I dont have local family support and my only support lives out of state which I cant move the kids there with me. I feel so lost and stuck.

Does anyone else’s STBX or Ex just like not get it?

The kids and I moved to my hometown where our support is. Divorce is hopefully being finalized in the next 30-60 days. I have custody. Child support agreed on. I have a job starting in 2 weeks and things are finally looking like they might work out.

Ex came to visit the kids this past weekend and asked if they could have the kids for a week in August. Of course sure… then they followed up with “so you’ll come out for the week and all go back”. And they were shocked when I said that I wouldn’t have the PTO and even if I did, Im not going to use it to basically go back to the dynamic I’m divorcing which was me being their stay at home nanny and they can continue doing whatever they want so they can “see the kids” (probably for the 10 min in the morning and the 30min before bed).

I swear they don’t get it. And it’s exhausting trying to even make them understand.

In the middle of discovery at the moment. I’m worried I’m about to need a new (well new to me, but def used) car.

This would have been on two incomes but I’m not the breadwinner. I have to have a car for work. My credit is not good at the moment. I have no savings. Was never on my radar as a dual income household.

I have no family or friends to borrow money or a car from…

Whether it’s a car or another similar situation, what do we do in a situation like this?? Stbxh will be zero help, he hates me.

Divorced and it hurts

We were together 14 years, married for 10 years and 9 months. On April 6th he sent me a WhatsApp message to end our relationship an hour before he was due to come home from work. it’s been 20 days and I’m DEVASTATED. We’ve had serious problems since 2021 when I found out he’s addicted to pornography. He refuses to get help or go to counseling. I filed for divorce a week and a half ago since this is what he wants. He is cold and distant and all I want to do is hug him and hold him. I can’t stop crying. Ive had to go on antidepressants and anxiety medication because I’m such a mess and he is relieved that it’s over.

Im divorcing my husband of 20 years (for so so many reasons) and moving back to my hometown to be near my Mom and brother. Im scared my 16 yo son will want to stay with his dad though because of his friends and he likes his high school and the bigger town we're currently in. No way I can afford rent here on my own or I'd just stay in town to be with my son. I feel selfish choosing my own peace and happiness but I tried my best to hold out till he was 18 however I can't do it. I guess Im wondering if anyone else experienced this and if so, how do you cope? Am I being a bad Mom for doing this

I believe that my spouse was cheating, at minimum there was an emotional affair, but I believe it was physical as well. He denied it. I have some evidence (phone records), behavior patterns, but short of hiring a private investigator, I can’t/wont be able to know for sure. It seems pretty obvious to me, I know the woman and they have been friends for years, but he won’t admit it. We are separated and will be divorcing. I would really like to know when it started and whether they were physical while we were together. I’d like to have some closure, but at this point I don’t know if I ever will. Any advice? It won’t make a difference legally for the divorce (no fault), but it’s still weighing on me. How do you get closure in this case?

It’s been five years since my divorce, and I’m happy that my life looks nothing like it did back then.

When my marriage ended, I was a mess for a while. Not dramatic movie-scene level, but the kind of quiet heartbreak that follows you into random moments like grocery stores, Sunday mornings, seeing couples doing ordinary things. I had spent years building a life around someone else, and suddenly I had to figure out who I was without that version of myself

So I worked

A lot

I poured everything into building my business. Nothing flashy, nothing Forbes-worthy, but enough that I’m comfortable now. Bills are paid, I travel almost when I want, I don’t panic when something unexpected comes up, and for the first time in my adult life, I know I can rely entirely on myself

And if I’m being honest, part of that drive came from wanting to prove and mostly to myself that I’d do better without him than I ever did depending on him

We don’t talk. Haven’t for years

But recently, out of absolutely nowhere, he started watching my Instagram stories and follow me on social media

Every single one…

At first I thought it was accidental, but it kept happening. Day after day. And maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I know enough through mutual people to know life hasn’t exactly been treating him well lately

Meanwhile, I’m doing fine. Better than fine, actually…

And now my divorce anniversary is coming up, which sounds strange to celebrate, but in a weird way it feels more like the anniversary of getting my life back.

I’ve been thinking about buying myself something like emerald cut diamonds.. maybe a ring. Not engagement-style, not “waiting for a man” energy and more like a personal milestone piece. Something beautiful that marks how far I’ve come

And yes, I’ll admit it: a tiny part of me likes the idea of posting it

Not because I want him back. I absolutely don’t.

But because there’s something satisfying about knowing the woman he underestimated turned out just fine.

Maybe better than fine.

Petty? Probably.

But after everything that happened, I feel like I’ve earned a little bit of main-character energy

We will/would celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this summer. But the past few years have been HELL. His alcoholism ramped up to include many ER visits, a stay in the ICU, half a dozen detox attempts, verbal abuse, and he left me last year without saying goodbye - just fucked off to somewhere 5 states away with our dog while I was at work and went on a bender for like 6 weeks. Obviously I have had very little trust and been suspicious of relapses every since then.

A complicating factor is he has been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder due to severe chronic childhood abuse. Adding decades of alcohol abuse on top of that doesn’t help his brain function.

Because of all of the trauma I have been through with him, and because I had been saying “I can’t do this anymore” for over a year, I decided to plan a 2-week solo camping vacation for my birthday to give myself some space and a break and time to process. I leave Monday and I am so excited. I have never been on a solo trip anywhere. I wish it could be 3 months gone, but stupid capitalism.

I have been in weekly therapy for 2 years now, learning about betrayal trauma and building self-esteem and boundaries. (Thank baby jeebus for telehealth because in a rural area I would be screwed without it.)

This year things were moving in the right direction - he actually had 100+ days sober and got a job, both really big deals for him, sad as that sounds. I was feeling hopeful and like we might get to have a normal relationship where he actually helps pay bills and acts like a responsible adult.

Only …2 weeks ago he - again - decided to leave, without saying goodbye. Left our dog here this time at least. Something in me broke. I decided I want to file for separation. If he wasn’t so desperately in need of health insurance, it would be straight to divorce. I told him as much and that he was lucky I didn’t throw all of his shit out.

Once he actually answered my texts after a few days of ignoring me, I found out he was trying to detox in a podunk hotel room and I convinced him to get to a hospital. He was admitted for a couple days for withdrawal-related heart issues (tachycardia) etc. While he was there he found out though their sleep specialist he has severe sleep apnea (58% blood oxygen at one point, which is really really bad) and that’s probably contributing to a lot of his health problems including confusion, chronic suicidal ideation, and making bad decisions. Not discounting alcoholism, but the sleep apnea is pretty serious, too, for brain function.

Fortunately he was able to get his job back that he quit. But there are rarely any apartments to rent in our small town, so now I find myself walking back all of these harsh new conditions I had set in my mind. I am leaving for my trip and he will be setting up our second bedroom to stay in. We are living as roommates for now with the stipulation he go back in his meds, go to work, contribute to bills, do housework and pet care and any suspicion of relapse means I kick him out. He is extremely grateful for this compromise. I still want him to look for an apartment while I am gone - and schedule a sleep study so he can get that addressed ASAP, but part of me feels like an idiot for even entertaining the idea this can work. And that he won’t disappoint me again.

I love him even after all of this, I don’t wish him harm. But I need to protect myself, I made that clear. Ideally he would find an apartment and move out. But for now, I guess I am still filing the legal separation papers when I get back and allowing him to stay in the house (my name is the only one on the lease) unless he relapses.

TL;DR - husband’s alcoholism compounded by medical issues (or vice versa) but no alternate living arrangements = I feel a bit foolish to think we can live as roommates for now

He will be moving out in the next little while and we have kids aged 7,6 and 1. We haven't told them yet but plan to do so next week. The thought of him physically packing up his stuff and leaving our home for good is tearing at my heart. I know without a doubt that it's the right decision but I am struggling with this and I want to show up thr best I can for my kids. I am good at putting on a strong front for them but if I'm having such big feelings about this, I can only imagine how my kids are going to feel as their Dad prepares to leave our home. I'm looking for suggestions on things to do/ say that will help them through this process as much as possible. Is it better that he does it in smaller bits at a time? We have a place that he can start putting his stuff so it's ready to just load up when the time comes. Should we all be gone from the house when he loads up? I'm thinking this would make things easier than actually saying goodbye and watching him drive away. Obviously they will be seeing him often, but never as a part of our family again. How did your kids react? What did you do to help them ease the process?

Backstory: I posted a while ago, asking how you know when it’s time to ask for a divorce. Shortly after, I asked for a divorce. That’s been about 2 weeks ago. My STBX is emotionally abusive and is an avoidant personality. I’ve begged him for years to help around the house more and help me out in general, with no luck. He has a severe porn addiction that he refuses to work on. He thought we were doing better the months prior to me asking for separation which was early March. He just didn’t realize I was detaching and I’m now fully detached. After asking for a divorce, he told me no and asked for a couple more months to work on things… Okay then. We still live together, but separate rooms. I’m prolonging getting in contact with an attorney because I want us on the same page.

Anyways, he’s trying to “fix things”, but not actually putting in the effort to fix what was wrong in the first place. Last weekend, he asked if I wanted to go to the movies. This weekend it’s going out to dinner. Yet, the original issues aren’t even being acknowledged or worked on. I feel bad saying no, so I’ve been saying “we will see”. I don’t want to lead him on, to think there is a chance everything is fine, when it’s really not and never will return to how it was!

How do you go about shutting down the attempted dates?

In the process of separating and the major decisions to be made are exhausting. We are separating because my ex husband had a 10 month long affair with a coworker (3-4x/week sex in a car, leaving for 2-4 hours every weekend to talk on the phone) while I was on maternity leave with our now 2.5 year old. We also have a 6 year old.

For the last 9 months we have been “birdnesting” in the matrimonial home waiting to sell it in the spring market. The kids have stayed in their home and I’ve been the parent living there with them the majority of the time. Our home is now sold and next steps need to be taken.

In our marriage, I was the primary caregiver for the kids. I had two 18 month mat leaves with them, worked a reduced schedule when not on leave to handle mornings/after school/dinners, and all the other things the default parent takes on (scheduling appointments, planning birthday parties, buying gifts, researching their development, organizing their clothing, signing up for activities, etc.).

My ex has had struggles with anger management, frustration with the kids, swearing at them or me, and this was a main source of disagreement in our marriage. He has a few times over the years broken something, thrown things in anger, slammed doors or light switches hard enough to break them.

In establishing a parenting plan, I want to continue being the primary caregiver. The thought of losing time with the children I wanted and have devoted myself to is deeply painful. Our time breakdown in birdnesting is currently approx. 70/30.

When I input all the time, holidays into a calculator it estimates we’re closer to 66/34.

In these situations my ex would have child support to pay. I would give up child support before giving up more time with my kids, if he were to pursue more time.

I want what’s best for my kids. I want them to have a positive relationship with their dad. I do have concerns about their time alone with him.

At their young ages, is a primary household with me what is best for them? The thought of 50/50 or the kids living in two homes feels like a hard life for them.

Of course I didn’t want to divorce or lose the life we had, so coming to terms with the time apart from them is destroying me. But I want to do the right thing for their wellbeing.

Please help, share your insights and experiences if you can.

Hi all, hoping someone can point me in the right direction. I just told my husband a few days ago that things aren't working and I think we need to separate. He responded about how I thought he would, defensive and unwilling to take any accountability. He mentioned trying counseling but I don't have any expectations that he'll actually do anything.

Therefore, I'm wanting to go ahead and start getting some things in order. I was planning to just contact a lawyer but then heard about CDFAs and another friend mentioned just using a mediator.

Has anyone gone the route of CDFA over an attorney? We do have two minor kids, a home, he owns a business, etc. Is there any reason to use both? Any feedback or experiences would be welcome. Thanks!

Hi All,

This is a doozie. My husband sent me a text on 6 April telling me that he is no longer interested in our marriage or our relationship. He stated in the text that there is no particular reason why, just that the relationship isn’t positive for him anymore and it is clearly not good for me since I’ve started therapy and I am not happy. He stated that I should find happiness with someone else. I should say that we have been fighting for a few years since 2021 when I discovered that my husband is addicted to pornography. In the beginning, he was very willing to get help and to go to counseling, but never followed through. In 2022 he asked me for a divorce because I just couldn’t get past the fact that he would rather be intimate with the images on his computer then with me. We talked after that and worked things out. Things went really really well until the beginning of 2025. He started a new job where he had to be in the office full-time. My job was high stress, very demanding and he hated that I was on call 24/7. He started threatening to answer my phone when my boss called and tell her to F-off. We both decided that I would resign and find something else. that took over a year, I was offered a position the day I got the text from him. Last year while my husband started his new position, he started watching pornography excessively again in the car park at work before and after he finished work and he was excessively looking at thirst on Facebook. I confronted him and told him how it made me feel and he just ignored me. He told me that all guys do it. I begged him to go to therapy. I begged him to go to couples counseling but he refused.

I know I’m not innocent when he was doing that. I reacted and I would go silent and withdraw and just speak to him when it was necessary.

He sent me a text in November to tell me he had very little left towards our relationship because I was distant and he was unhappy coming home. We had a massive blowout because he was stalking his ex wife on FB. He added her sister, best friend and cousin and messaged her mother to let her know he was trying to reach her. That was a boundary I set before we got married. My husband and I have been together 14 years. We’ve been married 10 years and nine months.

when my husband and I I had a very stable and great career. I was earning six figures and had a lot of freedom and independence. He moved to the country. I was working in for 18 months and decided he wanted to come back to the US. I gave up my family, my friends and my freedom to follow him here because I really him and wanted to be with him. When I arrived in the US, his first words to me were wow you really have lost a lot of weight. I had been pregnant twice back to back the previous year and struggling to lose the baby weight. I had two miscarriages and my body suffered trauma.

Things were very different when I arrived. I could tell that he was a different person. since he asked for the any communicate communicated via text. We still share the same house. And I am trying to avoid him at all cost since I haven’t been able to stop crying. I don’t want to get divorced. I still love him and believe we can work things out. He does not want to work things out. He has already moved on with his life and is emotionally detached from me and our marriage. I filed for divorce on the 13 th and he will be served next week. I really am heartbroken. He just wants to get it over with. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel so lost.

Title pretty much sums it up. Backed up my words with actions and am actually taking the steps to get out of this marriage. I'm terrified