Navigating empathy while holding boundaries
We will/would celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this summer. But the past few years have been HELL. His alcoholism ramped up to include many ER visits, a stay in the ICU, half a dozen detox attempts, verbal abuse, and he left me last year without saying goodbye - just fucked off to somewhere 5 states away with our dog while I was at work and went on a bender for like 6 weeks. Obviously I have had very little trust and been suspicious of relapses every since then.
A complicating factor is he has been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder due to severe chronic childhood abuse. Adding decades of alcohol abuse on top of that doesn’t help his brain function.
Because of all of the trauma I have been through with him, and because I had been saying “I can’t do this anymore” for over a year, I decided to plan a 2-week solo camping vacation for my birthday to give myself some space and a break and time to process. I leave Monday and I am so excited. I have never been on a solo trip anywhere. I wish it could be 3 months gone, but stupid capitalism.
I have been in weekly therapy for 2 years now, learning about betrayal trauma and building self-esteem and boundaries. (Thank baby jeebus for telehealth because in a rural area I would be screwed without it.)
This year things were moving in the right direction - he actually had 100+ days sober and got a job, both really big deals for him, sad as that sounds. I was feeling hopeful and like we might get to have a normal relationship where he actually helps pay bills and acts like a responsible adult.
Only …2 weeks ago he - again - decided to leave, without saying goodbye. Left our dog here this time at least. Something in me broke. I decided I want to file for separation. If he wasn’t so desperately in need of health insurance, it would be straight to divorce. I told him as much and that he was lucky I didn’t throw all of his shit out.
Once he actually answered my texts after a few days of ignoring me, I found out he was trying to detox in a podunk hotel room and I convinced him to get to a hospital. He was admitted for a couple days for withdrawal-related heart issues (tachycardia) etc. While he was there he found out though their sleep specialist he has severe sleep apnea (58% blood oxygen at one point, which is really really bad) and that’s probably contributing to a lot of his health problems including confusion, chronic suicidal ideation, and making bad decisions. Not discounting alcoholism, but the sleep apnea is pretty serious, too, for brain function.
Fortunately he was able to get his job back that he quit. But there are rarely any apartments to rent in our small town, so now I find myself walking back all of these harsh new conditions I had set in my mind. I am leaving for my trip and he will be setting up our second bedroom to stay in. We are living as roommates for now with the stipulation he go back in his meds, go to work, contribute to bills, do housework and pet care and any suspicion of relapse means I kick him out. He is extremely grateful for this compromise. I still want him to look for an apartment while I am gone - and schedule a sleep study so he can get that addressed ASAP, but part of me feels like an idiot for even entertaining the idea this can work. And that he won’t disappoint me again.
I love him even after all of this, I don’t wish him harm. But I need to protect myself, I made that clear. Ideally he would find an apartment and move out. But for now, I guess I am still filing the legal separation papers when I get back and allowing him to stay in the house (my name is the only one on the lease) unless he relapses.
TL;DR - husband’s alcoholism compounded by medical issues (or vice versa) but no alternate living arrangements = I feel a bit foolish to think we can live as roommates for now