u/evie-e

In the process of separating and the major decisions to be made are exhausting. We are separating because my ex husband had a 10 month long affair with a coworker (3-4x/week sex in a car, leaving for 2-4 hours every weekend to talk on the phone) while I was on maternity leave with our now 2.5 year old. We also have a 6 year old.

For the last 9 months we have been “birdnesting” in the matrimonial home waiting to sell it in the spring market. The kids have stayed in their home and I’ve been the parent living there with them the majority of the time. Our home is now sold and next steps need to be taken.

In our marriage, I was the primary caregiver for the kids. I had two 18 month mat leaves with them, worked a reduced schedule when not on leave to handle mornings/after school/dinners, and all the other things the default parent takes on (scheduling appointments, planning birthday parties, buying gifts, researching their development, organizing their clothing, signing up for activities, etc.).

My ex has had struggles with anger management, frustration with the kids, swearing at them or me, and this was a main source of disagreement in our marriage. He has a few times over the years broken something, thrown things in anger, slammed doors or light switches hard enough to break them.

In establishing a parenting plan, I want to continue being the primary caregiver. The thought of losing time with the children I wanted and have devoted myself to is deeply painful. Our time breakdown in birdnesting is currently approx. 70/30.

When I input all the time, holidays into a calculator it estimates we’re closer to 66/34.

In these situations my ex would have child support to pay. I would give up child support before giving up more time with my kids, if he were to pursue more time.

I want what’s best for my kids. I want them to have a positive relationship with their dad. I do have concerns about their time alone with him.

At their young ages, is a primary household with me what is best for them? The thought of 50/50 or the kids living in two homes feels like a hard life for them.

Of course I didn’t want to divorce or lose the life we had, so coming to terms with the time apart from them is destroying me. But I want to do the right thing for their wellbeing.

Please help, share your insights and experiences if you can.

In the process of separating and the major decisions to be made are exhausting. We are separating because my ex husband had a 10 month long affair with a coworker (3-4x/week sex in a car, leaving for 2-4 hours every weekend to talk on the phone) while I was on maternity leave with our now 2.5 year old. We also have a 6 year old.

For the last 9 months we have been “birdnesting” in the matrimonial home waiting to sell it in the spring market. The kids have stayed in their home and I’ve been the parent living there with them the majority of the time. Our home is now sold and next steps need to be taken.

In our marriage, I was the primary caregiver for the kids. I had two 18 month mat leaves with them, worked a reduced schedule when not on leave to handle mornings/after school/dinners, and all the other things the default parent takes on (scheduling appointments, planning birthday parties, buying gifts, researching their development, organizing their clothing, signing up for activities, etc.).

My ex has had struggles with anger management, frustration with the kids, swearing at them or me, and this was a main source of disagreement in our marriage. He has a few times over the years broken something, thrown things in anger, slammed doors or light switches hard enough to break them.

In establishing a parenting plan, I want to continue being the primary caregiver. The thought of losing time with the children I wanted and have devoted myself to is deeply painful. Our time breakdown in birdnesting is currently approx. 70/30.

When I input all the time, holidays into a calculator it estimates we’re closer to 66/34.

In these situations my ex would have child support to pay. I would give up child support before giving up more time with my kids, if he were to pursue more time.

I want what’s best for my kids. I want them to have a positive relationship with their dad. I do have concerns about their time alone with him.

At their young ages, is a primary household with me what is best for them? The thought of 50/50 or the kids living in two homes feels like a hard life for them.

Of course I didn’t want to divorce or lose the life we had, so coming to terms with the time apart from them is destroying me. But I want to do the right thing for their wellbeing.

Please help, share your insights and experiences if you can.