r/DecidingToBeBetter

Hi, how do you guys deal with black and white thinking? I didn't know what this was until recently. My therapist suggested that I make a pros/cons type of list to get a better understanding.

For me, logically, I can understand people are nuanced and complex, have their own traumas/behaviors/skill sets. But, I am still having a hard time understanding how certain people who love you so much can hurt you so badly. People such as your parents who are supposed to be your protectors and supporters hurting you or your partner betraying you after planning your whole life together. How can these two realities exist? Which one is real?

Accepting both realities is uncomfortable for me as it shows anyone can hurt you at any time, regardless of how much they love you. I feel like I have to be on guard for every relationship, and it makes relationships feel less authentic and more like a ticking bomb. This makes me very anxious and on edge all the time. Its more comfortable to label someone as good/bad, as that would lessen the pain when they do hurt me. I'll be expecting that type of behavior from them and it wouldn't be much of a shock. However, my logic side keeps creeping in and telling me otherwise.

Does accepting both realities change the social contract in relationships ie. parent&child, siblings, partnerships and friendships? You expect a certain amount of love, respect, and kindness in those relationships. You want love from your parents and as your parents, they should love you. Your parents chose to give birth to you, your friends chose to be friends with you, your partner chose to pursue a relationship with you. How can they harm you after choosing to form a bond with you? I can understand sometimes people say things in anger or at the spur of the moment. But, certain behaviors go beyond anger and I can't fathom how someone who says they love you can be capable of being so cruel and/or abusive.

I'm going in circles lol what do I do with this? how can I overcome this hurdle? thanks in advance for any advice!

Panic and anger are the one things that change everything.

Usually and most commonly it happens when things don't go the way we wanted them to. The most triggering point comes then and there.

So in this situation, what I do, being a short-tempered person, is begin to take long and deep breaths.

I try to keep myself down before speaking up because I know if I begin speaking, it will pass through my anger, and it might be possible that some words might come out of my mouth that I don't mean.

It took me a long and hard way to manage and handle it, but with practice and continuous efforts now I believe I am more than halfway through it.

So what are your ways of dealing with the instant anger you encounter?

To preface this, I'm very online. I know it. But I tried a "digital detox", stayed off my phone for two months, and it didn't change anything. All it did was made me bored.

I don't really have any hobbies. I like singing, reading (mostly fiction though), writing, and cooking, but it doesn't really affect the person I am and I don't do it that often. I'm fairly uninteresting. I don't have a lot of conversation and I don't know how to get better at it. I try, but it always falls flat. I'm not uneducated, I just don't think I'm interesting.

I see these people with a clear understanding of what they like/dislike, who they are, have a clear personality that reflects in their style, space,... I don't have that, and I don't know how to have that.

Any advice is welcome! :)

It’s currently April (only the 2nd, mind you) and the entirety of March I had been sick and that meant that I was forced to take a break from school. As a result I have an increased workload because deadlines are approaching and the university won’t give me additional time.

In 2025 I wasn’t in Uni so I was basically at home daily, sitting with her DAILY 24/7 because if I stayed in my room for more than 5 minutes during the day it’d be an issue and she’d be mad at me. I now have school so I need to be in my room so that I can study, when I’m sitting with her she refuses to let me sit in silence and study.

A few minutes ago she came into my room (I’d just put my books down so I could finish my coffee) and she communicated how she feels like she’s all alone in this house because she’s always sitting in the family room on her own. I feel like that’s super unfair because I have a lot of school work to do and I shouldn’t have to say “I’ve been studying the whole time” to get her to understand.

It also appears that she only ever has an issue if I’m the one who’s in my room but when my siblings are in theirs it’s okay. I don’t know what to do because I am easily manipulated and I fall right into her tactics every single time. I despise discomfort with everything in me. Please give me advice on how to approach this situation because I simply hate feeling like this.

Basically, I have low af self-esteem and it's difficult for me to meet women. I've tried to maximize myself physically...I run 3x a week, I groom, I have skin regimes, I dress *really well(*literally the only reason women approach me, although only at bars) I'm 6'3...but my face sucks. Bc of that I'm usually pretty anxious, I'm no longer college-aged (33), and I don't have a ton of friends (and they really only go to bars) so meeting women isn't easy.

I'm trying to find alternative, nerdy, artsy, witchy, hippie, gothy, quirky, creative, etc women, as I tend to get along with. I think those women would share my interests, though, Idk if it's my location or what (East Coast), but I can't seem to find out where these women go. I see them all over OLD sites, but I'm too ugly to use them lol. I get no matches or like from any of the,

Most of my interests are artistic, like museums, hiking, art shows, concerts, poetry, film, fashion, etc and those seem more like places to go to meet women rather than taking women on a date. The main issue is I'd be mostly going alone to those places, which would make it that much harder to actually meet anyone...are there better suggestions I'm not thinking of?

Also, any help with how to actually begin conversations and talk with them would be great. That may sound weird but I struggle with beginning a conversation. I literally cannot begin one with a woman I'm attracted to. I just overthink it and freeze. My humor is pretty dark, and my vocal tone is pretty deadpan, so I'm not just someone who can walk up to strangers and be charismatic...,

I'm diagnosed with BPD but I strongly suspect covert narcissism or a combination of the two, possibly ASPD traits.

I'm 36F but I feel way too old for this shit and I don't understand why I'm repeating patterns or acting on vindictive thoughts. They're so strong sometimes.

This happens mostly in the context where I have been wronged by someone badly in some way, like I feel justified in how I feel, but all logic goes out the window and I end up doing something that makes me worse off. It can be so calculated too sometimes.

What bothers me greatly is that I identified a lot of these behaviours a few years ago when I was having an evaluation. I've done several rounds of DBT and that's helped with my communication a little, but I have trouble letting things go, even people that aren't healthy themselves.

I do not understand why I'm so set on holding people accountable when I don't need to.

I'm massively paranoid sometimes and this has led me to cyberstalking social media accounts, talking to third parties, finding ways around a block. It's awful, especially this time around when by not acting on things like this, I actually felt more content within myself.

I'm also very set on not seeking romantic relationships again.

I want to do better, and it really sucks when I thought I was.

Realistic is something I always struggled with. Goals I've always had were too big that my ex never supported me for it and would say everything I wanted to achieve was unrealistic and too hard for me. He started calling my interests stupid and a waste of time even. So now I feel even more lost because those things I was really interested in doing with my life, I no longer have a passion for.

After addiction I was a pretty creative person. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to learn photography and photo editing. But my goals, were not there. I just wanted to somehow become successful overnight.

And honestly, due to addiction, I didn't expect to get this far in life. I still don't know why I'm here and without realistic goals, not sure I want to be. I don't know how to begin. Where to begin. I get so stuck with my free time that it overwhelms and exhausts me so I can't/don't start anywhere. My life just feels like it'll go nowhere because I'm too stupid to figure this out. The only little bit of interest I have is the gym when I can go.

I guess I just really need some help understanding setting goals better. Almost 30 and having done nothing successful in life is really starting to bring me down.

I want to get back into reading books but after I read one paragraph, I realized I didn’t absorb anything and have to read it again, and it still doesn’t stick, and then I’m too anxious about it and feel like something is wrong with me to focus on reading anymore at all. I don’t have ADHD I’ve been tested lol. Just years of too much screen time I think. How can I start to read again? Should I just keep going, even though I feel like I’m not absorbing anything? I used to read two books a week as a kid and I’d get so absorbed in them you could yell my name sitting next to me and I wouldn’t even hear it, now I feel illiterate

22f. I kind of cuddled with my flatmate and btw i live in a house share with like ten ppl but this one guy was really cute and i felt a connection for him, we cuddled white intimately and did work together then i went back to my room.

Now he is barely talking to me or interested in me even though he was giving me alot of love and affection. Ive also been living in this house share for six months and we would only give each-over eye contact , not so much talking. I was quite intimidated by him because i thought he is really attractive.

I just feel so embarrassed now and awkward ive been crying alot because i live here to escape a family that would be toxic and stuff so now im thinking i have to find somewhere else to go. I also spoke too much and revealed im depressed, substance abuse and that i sometimes watch mine raft videos etc. like i kept embarrassing myself but bc pf being depressed i was lonely and i love connecting but clearly i was just some prostitute. I have been so down and also bc of being objectified yet agin in a living environmental but this time i feel sexualised after weird comments from some men within the complex.

Like i dont mind the concept of living in a complex with people generally but i am learning about myself as one does living alone and being single (usual because as much as i love socialising and peple , i can end up hating them so much) that i learnt that on the spectrum of ptsd and such, i am very far gone. Im trying to build myself up from having no support system at all and never having any.

So im here and it hits me , with situations like this one that just happened , that im in this world and share a planet with people who are at the same time as me being alive, living in a state that is way more ‘ahead’ and ‘healthier’ and ‘stronger’ than me in every single aspect. Like i chose to living in a house share vs student accommodation so i could avoid those people that party and stuff because they are living not grieving chronically right, wrong, these adults im living with are just the same maybe worse. I can never avoid the permanent high-school that is society. Not here. Not now.

I’m a full time student with a very demanding schedule and I’m in a long distance relationship with my bf. Most of the time, I am disciplined and focused on my goals but I’ve realized I have a serious problem. I don't know how to handle the void when my partner isn't available and

​because of the distance and his intense studies, there are long gaps where I feel emotionally isolated.

Instead of sitting with that silence or being vulnerable and telling him I’m lonely (which I’ve always viewed as a weakness) I’ve developed a habit of seeking cheap validation from strangers online.

​I’ll post things or seek attention just to feel wanted for a few minutes. It feels like an addiction like a quick dopamine hit that makes me feel powerful in the moment but leaves me feeling numb and like a fake person afterward.

I realized I’ve been using my boyfriend’s stable love as a safety net while I go out and chase these digital

can this be a recognized addiction? How do I break the cycle of needing likes or attention to feel visible?

​like how do I shift my mindset from vulnerability is weakness to vulnerability is honesty?

​ I just genuinely want to improve and work out my relationship 🙏

19M and on the spectrum but can’t tell why this is. Is it because I’m quiet and stutter? It’s with fam, mutual friends and everyone.

This morning, I woke up feeling nonchalant about everything. On a normal day, I would worry about what others thought of me. I’d always calculate my moves to make sure I didn’t make any mistakes. And if I did, I would blame and bully myself almost throughout the day.

What changed? I started putting myself first and asking what I truly wanted, instead of trying to guess what others wanted or expected from me. I feel like I was alive but never truly living.

These past few days, I’ve seen how my life has drastically improved—the way people talk to me, the quality of my conversations, even my confidence spiked, just because I stopped trying to be liked. For example, today I spoke up in a group meeting without overthinking, and people actually listened to me. That never used to happen.

Why couldn’t I grasp this simple concept all this while? If I had known it earlier, I wouldn’t have gone through all this suffering and doubt. I’ve been single for four years because of this mindset, and now I’m starting life again. Wish me luck…

​

idk how but ever since I'm able to remember I've been making jokes, be it with my friends, teachers, my gf,my bsf etc.

now, I've always assumed it was normal

until one day when my bsf was talking to me about her grandpa's death

and we were on vanish mode on Instagram (its normal for us)

and for some context whenever we're talking in vanish I try to collect stupid screenshots of them while they say stuff out of context.

back to the incident

she was saying smt about her grandpa and I decided to take a screenshot of a weird thing she said out of context (keep in mind according to me I was trying to "lighten" the mood)

and she got furious, cussed me off and left the chat.

she didn't talk to me for a few days (I apologized and took responsibility between these days)

then I was just waiting for her to text me,

she did,

and we started talking again, but it didn't feel like it used to

it felt weird, like she couldn't talk properly, then one day

she sent me loads of texts saying, how she's been pretending to act normal but she still can't move on from my act of complete stupidity, and basically wanted to "cut me off" to protect her peace

we talked a LOT that day

for hours

then she ended up not "cutting" me off but told me she'll text whenever she's ready to be normally friends again, till then we're on no-contact.

fast forward to today and again I made a joke with my gf about smt she clearly told me not to, it was not intentional at all, just smt you say quickly before thinking it through

and she told me that she doesn't like this, and asked me not to repeat this.

NOW

you can call me a douchebag, an asshole, anything, and I would totally understand.

But this is NOT international

I've been really feeling bad for the past week or two

and the recent situation with my gf made me believe that I need to change myself for the better

please help me with whatever advice you can to stop making stupid ass jokes when I'm really not supposed to.

this is very serious to me

Long story ahead. If you can relate, let me know.

I’m 27 now, and I haven’t had a single friend since elementary school. I moved to a different area at the start of middle school, wasn’t able to quite fit in, and the trend of loneliness and isolation in my life really kicked off from there. Looking back, I think some of the kids thought I was special needs and didn’t treat me too kindly. In high school, I had people I’d talk to in my classes, but I never hung out with anybody due to being too anxious, and logistically it would’ve been difficult since I lived further away. I ate my lunches alone.

After I graduated, I self-isolated for a number of years before getting my first few jobs. Fast forward to the last five years, none of my workplace connections ever lasted (often resulting in burned bridges), and all the times I’ve put myself out there were mostly embarrassing to even socially traumatizing. Those experiences, although inevitable in the way they turned out to some degree, seriously did a number on my self-esteem regardless, but I also learned what not to do and how to carry myself a bit better. If you're asking where these experiences took place, it was mostly at bars and nightclubs.

Now that time has passed and I’ve matured a bit more, I’m feeling a little better about myself, but I am still as alone as ever. I've speculated that I might be on the spectrum, since I struggle with basic interactions from time-to-time. It's tough knowing what exactly I'm doing wrong, like am I making enough eye contact, speaking clearly enough, smiling, etc etc? However, it just results in me being treated coldly, ignored, or given weird looks. It's easy for me to say that I can't take it personally, but when you're already so isolated, the feeling of potentially being unlikable weighs on you. My depression ebbs and flows, but it’s seriously spiked lately and I’m not doing well. I think I'm fairly average looking, and I do look after myself, shower twice daily, haircuts, work out 4/5 days weekly, etc.

How can I break out of this isolation and go about developing friendships and genuine connections with people?

Dumb question, bear with me. I was raised in part by my uncle who always made me feel like the chores were never done right (ex: dishes not organized the way he wants) and then yell or become condescending to make me feel small. When I didn't do it, he would lash out but less. Naturally, my brain has decided it's better not to do something than to do it poorly. I've been a lifelong procrastinator because whenever my brain doesn't see something as "easy", getting it done is hellish. I keep telling myself it'll take two minutes, or it's something I enjoy, or it's something I need to do, but doing it isn't even proving this mindset wrong because it still feels wrong. This is impacting all parts of my life - including getting put on probation at work and including self care. I am already in therapy working on the mental component (OCD and PTSD), but does anyone have any tips?

I feel so skiddish all the time. I can’t sit still for more than a couple min at a time. Constantly biting my nails.

I used to be addicted to nicotine and worse things, but since quitting all that, I’m just more nervous in general. I’ve learned to live with it, but it hasn’t necessarily gotten better. I took medication for anxiety

I want to be calm. I want to walk slow. I want to take things slow. I wanna be able to just sit still and not bit the inside of my cheeks, nails, and skin on my hands. I have 3 daughters and they are seeing these things in me.

I (21M) try so hard to think critically and independently for myself (as should be expected of an upperclassman in college) and overall just try to live life how I want to. But every time I try, I get this horrible, sinking fear that I am actually doing something wrong, and that others won’t approve.

For example:

I could think that \[insert conclusion/viewpoint\] is true because of what I’ve read, but because family member \[x\] thinks otherwise, I probably shouldn’t think so.

I could think that \[insert media\] is bad or good, but if a friend thinks otherwise, I probably shouldn’t feel that way.

I could want to do \[insert hobby\] but because a complete stranger thinks otherwise, I probably shouldn’t do it.

Overall, I feel like a poorly planted tree that gets swayed by the slightest obstruction. Like I have no strong foundation to secure myself, and I so want to change this.

19M and can’t help but feel like this because I have no skills.

Thing is I’m just at the point where I don’t have a passion for the things I use to and I just rlly struggle to find enjoyment.

I’d love to know how I can learn to be someone that people want to be around because stm I I can’t blame them for not wanting to be around me.

​

Today was one of those days where I just really wanted someone to talk to. Nothing dramatic happened, but my mind felt heavy — mixed thoughts, overthinking, and that weird feeling you can't even properly explain.

So in the evening, I thought I’d just call someone. I reached out to a few friends… but everyone was busy. I texted 1–2 people, but the replies were dry. You know when you can just feel that the other person isn’t really interested in talking? Yeah… that.

So I just stopped. Closed the chat. And sat there.

It’s such a strange feeling… wanting to talk to someone so badly but not having anyone you feel comfortable enough to say, “Hey, I’m not okay, can you just stay for a bit?”

Because you don’t want to seem needy. You don’t want to disturb anyone. So you just… keep it to yourself.

And then I started thinking about something else — I don’t even know how to make new friends. I don’t know how people just casually talk and build connections. I don’t know how to maintain friendships long-term either. I want meaningful friendships, but I honestly don’t know how to create them.

I also feel like I’m too sensitive. Even small things affect me — like someone changing their tone, replying late, or sounding different. My mind immediately starts overthinking everything.

Sometimes I wonder… if I’m this sensitive now, how will I even survive in the real world?

I don’t know if this is just a bad day or something deeper. But today just felt really lonely.

If you’ve ever felt like this, I’d really like to know how you deal with it. I just want to feel… normal.

I'm currently at a crossroads and could really use some perspective from others who "masked" their way into a high-stakes career before hitting a total systemic collapse.

On paper, I look like I have it all together: I love my job i save lives, I learn new things everyday.

Despite the professional wins, my personal life is a bit of a mess. I was diagnosed with Autism with ADHD traits. I’ve never been medicated, despite the doctors recommendation for ritalin my mum was hesitant. I’ve spent years "lying to seem more capable" and masking to avoid being labelled low-functioning. As a result people thought i was okay when i was really struggling with focus, emotional regulation and adulthood.

Recently, I had a mix of autistic burnout, a meltdown and a mental health crisis. Between extreme family stress (a hurricane hitting my mum’s location) and being on my own for the first time, my executive function completely redlined. I ended up in debt from impulsive spending and went through a messy breakup where my lack of inhibitory control made me act in ways I’m not proud of (obsessive messaging after being blocked). I was toxic.

I've used will power most of my life to get to where I'am but its been messy and not been perfect. I would feel a lot of shame for not being able to focus university and i dropped out. I even lied about this so my family were not worried trying to apply elsewhere and complete my degree another way. It makes me wonder if medication would help and if what I'm struggling with is a lack of dopamine.

When I bring up the idea of medication to my mum she seems to be against it, she would rather I try to use natural methods to improve my cognitive state.

I'm 29 now would like to give it a chance but i have no clue what to expect and if my problems are deeper than medication.