u/Blk925ChickenRice

Lost 20k because I kept putting off cleaning my AC. I am not able to get a AC guy to do it for various reasons. I had to do it myself.

My AC is full of mold, it's killing me, and I procrastinate by buying an HEPA air filter, spraying the fins with foam, anything except the actual thing and mind you I had clear video instructions.

Eventually I fell sick, and by then my sleep had been bad for 50 days, & the cumulation of everything set me up for a 20k financial loss.

That is when and only then I decided to do the cleaning. It took me an additional 3 days just to get over the edge to do it.

In the end it was just an 3 hour job due to it being my first time. But I could have saved myself so much pain.

Last night was the first night I breathed easy.

I don’t think my life can get much worse.

Over fifty and out of work, nobody gonna hire me.

Of course, nobody really likes me. I don’t have many friends left, and the few who are still around, I can’t confide in them. what can they do? They can’t fix it.

Trading was the one thing that gave me some hope. For a while, I was doing well almost 100 days of zero loss. I thought maybe I had found a way back. Maybe I could live normally again. Then one huge loss wiped me out.

I tried again. I managed to recover a little, even did well for a while. Then it happened again. Another huge loss.

The worst part is that trading made me believe there was still a way out. It gave me hope, and I was stupid enough to believe that it could be a way out for me..

Now I don’t trust myself anymore.

Every few years, I will come to the edge of dying, but it passes. But this time I'm sick of this. Sick of being sick.

Again I'm on the edge of death, really feel like ending it all. They say the last words of most dying patients is MAMA. Yes strangely this is the world that keeps appearing in my head now.

On top of all these I have OCD about cleaniness and the best I can do is work in the office, but there isn't any job as u know now.

I dunno why I'm writing this, but I don't know what to do either.

Edit : Actually I do know the best I can do is wait for my parents to pass on before I end it all. I think so