I think I’m a narcissist
My father is one, and I think I’ve turned into one.
I am a pathological liar, I always end up exaggerating stories and making things up to seem more interesting. I’ve lied about bigger things too, things to garner sympathy. I know that I do it and I know it’s bad but I can’t seem to stop myself and know how much that effects my life. Recently I lost ALL my friends after the consequences of said lies (and other just general inconsideration of how I effect others) caught up to me. I never thought my actions effected others because I don’t value myself, and I believed that since the actions were self inflicted (isolation, suicide attempts), they weren’t self centered. I feel like my sense of empathy is skewed, I feel like I get really in my head about my emotions and forget to take care of others, and I have super black and white thinking. I tend to victimize myself to others but I always know within myself that it’s probably my fault these things happen. I know why I’m like this. I know the root issues and assumptions I have, but I’m not good at knowing my mistakes in relationships unless I’m told. My self worth is basically completely reliant on why others think of me, spare things like my appearance. I fully believe I’m better than people in some ways but I’ve never said it to anyone and I don’t really say it to myself. I’m kind of unable to do anything unless I benefit. I feel like everything I do eventually comes down to selfishness even if I don’t want it too.
All these thoughts scare me. I’m currently doing a pause in my current relationship so we can both reassess ourselves and heal and grow as people. I don’t want to lose them and I don’t want to lose myself. I’ve seen the path of destruction I’ve left in my life behind me and I’m done being like this.
I’m working with my therapist closely and having the break gives me space to heal and not hurt myself or any one else. But I don’t know how to recognize if what I’m doing is bad, ie I have no moral compass. How do I do that? What do I do? How do I be better for myself and so that I never hurt anyone again?