r/BreakUps

I wish someone had just sat me down and said this to me straight when I was in that awful post breakup spiral.

If you want your ex back, you have to STOP making them the centre of your world.

I know that is not what you want to hear. I did not want to hear it either. I wanted a message. A sign. Something to tell me it was not really over.

Instead, I was stuck in my head 24 7. Checking my phone. Replaying conversations. Wondering what they were doing, who they were with, if they missed me at all.

It is exhausting.

I tried EVERYTHING to get out of that feeling. Books, podcasts, advice from friends who had no idea what it felt like. Nothing really landed.

Then I read The No Contact Theory and it honestly hit me in a completely different way. Not because it was comforting. It was not. It was actually quite brutal in places.

But it explained something so simple that I had been completely ignoring. You cannot get them back while you are still emotionally clinging to them.

It just does not work like that.

When your mood depends on THEM, when your thoughts revolve around them, when your day is basically waiting for them to reach out, you are still giving them all the power.

And here is the part that shifted everything for me. You have to actually let go. Not fake it. Not pretend you are fine. Properly let go.

That is what no contact is really about.

Not a tactic. Not a game. Not a way to make them miss you. It is how you get YOURSELF back … AND IT REALLY WORKS!!

So if you are sitting there thinking okay but how do I even do that when I feel like this, this is what genuinely helped me start moving:

Try something new, even if it feels pointless at first

• Get out of bed, even if all you want to do is stay there and cry
• See people who care about you, even if you feel low energy
• Avoid drinking because it messes with your head more than you think
• Put some focus back onto your own goals, even tiny ones
• Change your routine so everything does not remind you of them

None of this is about suddenly being okay.

It is about slowly creating space where they are not the centre of EVERYTHING anymore.

And here is the weird bit.

When you finally get to a place where they are not on your mind all the time, when you feel a bit calmer, a bit more grounded, a bit more like yourself again, things shift.

Maybe they reach out.… Or maybe they do not. But you will not be in that desperate, waiting energy anymore. You will be in a place where you actually have a choice.

And that is the real win.

I keep a couple of things written down that helped pull me out of it:

You attract what you believe you are
What is meant for you will not pass you by … so. RELAX

And look, I might sound a bit nuts saying this, but I do believe that if you and your ex are meant to be, it will happen.

Just maybe not right now.

So do not put your life on hold waiting.

Be.

Just be.

Be someone who is healing
Be someone who is rebuilding
Be someone who is slowly coming back to themselves

If they come back, you will meet them as a completely different person.

And if they do not, you will not need them to.

For those of you that were able to get over a bad break up, please tell me how you did it? Did they come back? How are you now? I'm struggling so much. Please help me

I keep hearing that guys move on super fast after getting dumped… but I’m not fully buying it.

So be honest:

When you get dumped (no cheating, no drama), what actually happens?

- Do you really stop caring that fast or just distract yourself?

- Do you ever come back later like “hey stranger”

Is it an ego thing (like acting fine even if you’re not)?

- Or does it hit you randomly 2 months later at 2am?

From the outside it always looks like guys are fine immediately, but I feel like that can’t be the full story.

Be honest, I’m curious 👀

It hurts too much. Just come back. I need you. I keep typing and deleting my texts.

Have you ever felt this desperate? Or am I the only one suffering?

You seem so detached from the heartache. I wish I was the same way, but I love too much.

I see Post after Post about people beeing dumped, exes moving on, some people reconcile and everything in beetween.

what i find strange is people stressing about time, like you have a time limit. You want to Reconcile, then you have to hit the 3 month mark or you are f***** for example.

Strange. I ended a relationship 16 years ago after beeing together for 4 years. I still to this day think about her from time to time. Point beeing, you never forget a person that was close to you in life, tell me otherwise and i say BS, or you are a psycopath of sorts.

I had begged and cried so much and asked him to stay when he broke up with me

Now I feel so embarrassed that I gave him this power…someone immature on reddit told me it boosts ones ego to see someone begging

I feel it’s pathetic, if u r happy in someones pain , u r pathetic

I feel so sad because I lost my self respect for someone who didn’t even care at all

Gave up time with my friends for her

Couldn't sing around her even when she said she liked it cuz she would ask me to stop all the time.

Gave up my hobbies for her.

Gave up watching the kind of movies and things I wanna do for her.

Gave up my time to be with her many times.

Gave up my personal space when she said she needed me.

Came running to her tired and weak in the cold, rain and heat whenever she said she wanted to see me or needed me.

Listened to her yelling at me and giving me the cold shoulder for being late, it was because I worked like a dog. But I still patiently stood and listened.

Put my expectations and feelings aside to not be a burden on her.

She would say she wanted to see me, missed me all that only for her to say in the end everything wrong in her routine is because of me. I tried talking to her even. Everything I could've done. I tried. Why couldn't she just have opened up at the start, why did it take her so long to say this. I asked so many times. Why couldn't you have just said this earlier?

Why did you never get over your ex? It's been almost two years. I gave you more love and affection than all your abusive exes ever did combined and yet all you could do was talk about them to me all the time. I don't even know how many exes you have in total cuz I don't even know if whatever you told me ever was the truth. I gave you princess treatment however I could. I wanted to give you the world. Why did you have to hurt me like this. All that you cried about your exes doing to you. In the end you ended up doing all of those things to me. Why didn't realisation strike you?

She loved me at the start. All the nice things she said. All the sweet things she would do for me. All the love she gave. All those times she yearned for me just as much as I did for her. I stayed the same but she changed. I wish I could get that version of her back. I guess I just loved that version of her. But that was never the real version of her to begin with.

She fell in love with me for who I was and in the end she ended up hating me and hurting me for who I was. It's so ironic.

Any relationship is bound to have differences. It's two different people at the end of the day. I dealt with her authentic version even if she kept changing. Through all her troubles and breakdowns and episodes and tantrums everything. I stayed for her. I stayed when I didn't have to. But I wanted to. Alas, she didn't want to be with my authentic version anymore. Hurt me, stabbed my heart, pushed me away and I still tried to hug her however I could through all her pain.nIn the end, I was left hurt, deserted and in the ditch curb stomped, at my lowest. The one time I needed her, I wasn't worth it I guess.

I will miss the sweet moments with her. I miss her giggles, her laughs, her smile, her one crooked tooth, her beautiful hands that looked like they were painted in gold. Her pretty birthmark on her leg that she thought was ugly and insecure about. The way she held my hand, the way she would make those puppy eyes for me, the way she would cook for me those first few months, sweet pictures of us she would click. The way she would look at me earnestly. Her cute snores while she was next to me in bed. The way she'd crib and cry. I miss this girl.

But I will not miss the girl who made me feel inconsiderate, selfish, abused me emotionally and physically, anxious, nervous, congested, talked to guys behind my back, cheated on me, disrespected me many times, gaslit me, controlled me and my emotions, and threw sharp words at me. I was your punching bag. I would've been your cushion with every fall if you just let me. This whole relationship was about you and your problems. I became a convenience and a human pillow for you. Once you were done with me you threw me away. You can only blamed things on your problems for so long. If you actively choose to not seek help, then how do you think you're gonna get through it?

in the end, there was no call, no final meeting nothing. A single sentence followed by a block. I shouldn't have tried reaching out but I was trying to salvage something I thought was worth fighting for. I only realised that it was the last time we saw each other after it was over. I'm giving up. Ths is the end of the road for me. I wish you well. I hope you heal, and I hope someday you find someone who can treat you well again. I bear no hard feelings. It's ok even if you never reach out to me again. I won't wait expecting it.

In the end she prioritised herself. And cut me out. Brutally.

In the end, I was back to where I always was, alone.

But this time it was with a scar. A big one.

I loved her, but the version of her who loved me was just a persona. One of many. I never really knew the real her.

I will never trust anyone with my heart the same way again.

Shame on you for changing, shame on me for staying the same.

I want to ask if there are 2 emotionally mature people in a relationship, do one of them throw away the relationship without clearly stating their unmet needs and without giving their partner a chance to address those needs. Do such people also let their resentment grow and fall out of love completely and then initiate the breakup while giving reasons but no chance to correct it?

I'm 22 and just got out of a long-term, long-distance relationship. This guy and I were essentially best friends when we were both awkward teens. Five years later, he messaged me saying he wanted to break up.

It's hard letting go. He was not the greatest partner; he wasn't even good, but I am still as awkward as I was in high school (essentially, I am a big nerd who loves spending time at home). He cheated on me a couple of times, but I always forgave him with the hopes of him changing for the better, but also because I was so terrified of spending the rest of my life single.

I don't like parties. I don't like going out that much. I'm super shy and awkward. I also can't handle casual hook-ups and situationships. I'm terrified of meeting new people and letting someone new in, but even more I'm terrified of not ever finding someone to love again.

It's only been 2 days since. I'm going through the pain of break-up right now. I can't sleep, I can't eat properly, I can barely get out of bed and hardly ever stop crying. But I don't think I'm grieving him, more like the idea of having a person to lean on, sleep next to, hang out with etc.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Does it get any better?

Hey,

Around three months ago my ex-gf (F30) dumped me (M27) over text, on New Years Eve, and I still struggle with moving on and processing it. I think that it hit me way harder than it should, but idk, I just feel like sharing all of this on reddit to get some understanding from people who were in similar situations.

Our relationship started in the first half of the last year, we met on the internet, and we got close really quickly - we had so many common interests, so many common topics, we literally texted for 10+ hours every single day, despite both having a busy and demanding jobs. I'm someone who's a bit anxious, so I didn't even think about her in a romantic way back then, I considered her just a friend, but then she suggested meeting up IRL, we met up, and it went really well (the "date" lasted for the entire day lol), and I slowly started falling in love. After that we decided to have a few more dates, and then we became serious about the relationship.

The relationship was amazing too, we spent a loooot of time together IRL and online, and I'm genuinely devastated that we'll never spend any more time together, or even talk. I'd say way more about it, but I feel like my brain blocked a lot of these memories, and trying to "pull them out" makes me feel scared.

I'm an anxious person, due to some past experiences, I've always been scared that someone is going to just abandon me in a relationship without any explanations or giving us a chance to fix things, but she kind of soothed that feeling by telling me that she cares about her friendships and relationships, that she's got the same friends for 10+ years already, so it made me really comfortable with loving her.

But, then, suddenly, on New Years Eve, she decided to just end things. Over damn text. She said that it's because she confused infatuation with love, but like, is that even possible? It left me genuinely devastated, because I've always tried to be the most loving boyfriend possible. I always asked her about her day, I've thought about our future, I've always cared about her and remembered all the little things she liked. I tried my best to treat her like a part of my life, and in return I got dumped like a piece of trash, and she was so cold during it, it was literally unbelievable to me and it felt like a dream.

I went complete no-contact, just to protect myself from further harm being done to me, and after few weeks I started being okay again, but right now the memories started resurfacing, and I do feel really bad because I imagined future with her, and instead I got dumped.

I know that in few months I'm going to be okay again, but I feel like I won't be able to love someone else ever again - deep inside I know that if I'll get in a relationship again, I'll always be worried that I'll get randomly dumped, just like it happened last time, and I don't really want to put my traumas on another person because I know that it's really unfair.

I don't really understand why she got into a relationship with me, why we met each other's parents, each other's friends, spent so much time together, just for her to treat me like this. I know that I'm not a perfect person of any sorts, I definitely made some mistakes, but it's just so unfair. I've always tried my best and in return I got this.

It's just unbelievable how someone can do something so evil to someone who loved them, cared about them, and wanted to get old with them.

Thanks for reading my wall of text <3

It’s easy to point at what the other person did wrong. I had my reasons, and I still stand on them. But what’s been sitting with me lately isn’t what she did… it’s how I handled things after.

The arguments after it ended. The things I said out of emotion. The way I let it turn into something messier than it needed to be.

It’s been months, and I still catch myself thinking about it, not because I want her back, but because I know I could’ve moved differently.

That’s a weird feeling… holding yourself accountable even when you were also hurt.

I’ve thought about apologizing. Not to reopen anything, not to fix it, but just to clear that weight off my chest.

But at the same time, I’m learning that growth isn’t always about going back… sometimes it’s about taking the lesson, sitting with it, and becoming better because of it.

You can be right about why something ended… and still wrong in how you handled the ending.

That’s the part I’m working on.

People who are in long term relationships, where one partner is secure or anxious and other is people pleaser/avoidant. The people pleaser would later on in the relationship start being unhappy with so many things but never dare to communicate clearly what they really want. My ex just kept on dropping hints like shall we do this or that activity? And here I was going through some stressful decisions that I had to make. I didn't understand that me saying no to these activities will make him just believe we are incompatible and now nothing could be done.

These people really dare to say the "Breakup" word but could not transparently state what they want and what needs are not fulfilled. Instead they will judge you from far, what needs of theirs that they gave you a hint about or mentioned once or twice are not getting done. Please grow up man. In long term relationships, people have other shit to think and take care of as well and they can't just keep on analysing what's in your mind. A clear communication would really save the trouble and keep us happier.

Also, they are just drowning inside but will still keep on giving you assurance and then suddenly blindside and leave you.

And the worst thing is, they felt they are losing love for you, but they won't dare bring that up, they will let the resentment build and absolutely hate you and detach when you are still together and just move freely once breakup is done, because they completed their detachment while living with you.

Note- I am not saying I was perfect. I have ignored some of their needs due to my own fear. But a simple statement that - hey, this need of mine is not met since a long time in the relationship, and it's kind of non negotiable for me at this point to stay in the relationship. Can we try to do this? This is not threatening, this is just clear communication. I have been in survival mode for God knows how long, because of my fear or trauma that I had because of my controlling parents. An eye opener, would have really helped, along with not giving fake assurance till the time you have made the decision and mostly detached.

It’s the worst feeling, I think the world of her.

Was broken up more than an year ago but we were in contact. It was only the hope of us getting back together at some point in the future that was keeping me going; but today he made clear he won't come back, that he doesn't love me anymore and he "won't be able to even touch me now".
I feel devastated. My body feels lifeless. Nothing feels worth it anymore. I don't know how I will survive this. All I wanted was for us to live happily together, we were long distance so we never really got that chance. I will always keep believing that we would have worked out if we were close together.
Oh God what will I do. When he said all this to me today I had severe pain in my chest and heart. Why is this so painful. I feel like just sleeping forever to not feel this and so that I can be with him in my dream atleast. I hate this.
Even more I hate myself for all this.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it is over. I cannot go back. I was always hoping that he would have the bravery to change, to face his demons, to grow into someone who can have actual conversations about problems without ignoring me for days, pushing me away and once he was okay becoming mad when I wanted to talk about it again. But he so cöearly told me that he does not have the capacity to change, he still loves me, but he cannot let anyone close again. And it hurts so much. I thought he was the one. I need to let it go but it just hurts all the time. It does not stop. I just want it to stop.

And this goes both ways. I was in a relationship for 2 years. Both of us are very insecure but I was more vocal about it. I hated myself, I couldn’t believe someone like him loved me so I pushed him away. I needed constant reassurance and I was always anxious. That made him more insecure. When I started becoming more secure with myself, he started pushing me away as well. No matter how much love I pour and appreciation I show, he always believed I’m gonna leave him like how his mom left him. He believed I’m gonna cheat on him. He couldn’t feel my love because he was constantly doubting it. When I get too needy or emotional, he shuts down and tells me I’m too emotional. He would also lie about a lot of things because he doesn’t trust me. Slowly, the foundation we’ve built started crashing down. We brought out the worst in each other even when we genuinely loved each other. We crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed, and what was once felt like a safe haven became a trauma bond. Cycles and patterns that we chose to ignore. Because we were happy at the beginning, we would be happy again right? We loved each other, we are soulmates. We could never find a love like this again. That’s not love anymore, that’s your attachment speaking.

Love is when two people can grow individually and accept each other. Love is trusting even the unknown. Love makes room for two people to breathe, so if one person feels like they are suffocating and constantly has to walk on eggshells, something is wrong. It’s hard to break free from a cycle like this, but I am proud that I was able to walk away even when he was my world. I was definitely happier with him, but I am more at peace right now. I see things that I wasn’t able to see before because of my love for him. If you are in a toxic relationship, I can’t blame you for staying or going back to them again and again. Stay until you have no reasons to hold on. You will eventually free yourself.

Hi all,

I'm completely new here and this is my very first post. But I've read a lot of your posts on this topic today, and thought it might help me to share my story as well.

My girlfriend and me broke up after nearly 4 years about three weeks ago. I did a lot of thinking over the last three weeks.

When we met, it was like a fairytale, and I was feeling very good back then. I had a new girlfriend, I went to the gym regularly, I was working voluntarily as an EMT, I was seeing my friends regularly and had a job that was quite okay. I was in heaven. This lasted about half a year.

Then the situation in my company got worse. We didn't get the contracts with important customers and so many of the most experienced colleagues left. There was barely someone left who knew what to do. The entire department was in a state of a slow death. Work just turned into a frustrating hell. While in the past, after work, I went to the gym or my language courses, I stopped to do that because I was too exhausted. My mood got worse and worse and I felt stressed more and more. I lost interest in all the things I liked before.

I became increasingly aggressive, and we argued over the smallest things. I usually started the arguments. I increasingly brought my stress into our relationship. We only saw each other once a week on weekends. During the week, we conducted our relationship via WhatsApp. And it's so much easier to say hurtful things to someone on WhatsApp than to say them to the person you love.

I endured this situation at work for three years, even though I cried almost every Sunday evening because I didn't want to go back. She had obviously noticed that I wasn't doing well and asked me to seek help. I didn't listen to her.

I no longer work for the company and am now studying again. But since it's a distance learning program where I don't see other people, I ended up even more isolated. I listened to lectures online, attended online seminars, and hardly ever went out.

But it wasn't all bad. Until recently, about three-quarters of our time together was filled with love and affection. But about once a month, the pent-up stress became too much and had to be released somehow. Then, using some pretext, I would start an argument and, paradoxically, feel better for a few days. But that took a lot out of her and destroyed our relationship.

She still loves me very much; it's the most important and intense relationship of her life, but she simply doesn't have the strength anymore. I understand that and I'm not angry with her.

I understand that she had to leave, and I'm even grateful to her. Because it was only through the breakup that I found the strength to finally change something. I've now been to a psychologist and received the diagnosis I already knew deep down: moderate to severe depression.

I'm starting therapy now and will be taking medication. I wish I had listened to her sooner. I also wrote her about this in a letter, and she was incredibly and sincerely happy about it and wishes me all the best from the bottom of her heart. Especially that Padmé's death wasn't in vain this time. Anakin could no longer save her, but at least he could save himself by realizing that the Dark Path was taking everything he loved.

It's a beautiful day (holiday) where I live.

All my friends have plans (family day)..

I have chores to do but don't feel like it. Just want to see him, plan something together like we would do :(

I hate this horrible feeling and sensation in my body :(

I miss having someone to talk to whenever, just talking about random stuff. Laughing together, cuddling. Him holding my waist, dragging me closer. Holding hands, not wanting to let go. I miss having someone i knew i could trust with anything. Im so sad.