Giving myself the closure I never got from them
Gave up time with my friends for her
Couldn't sing around her even when she said she liked it cuz she would ask me to stop all the time.
Gave up my hobbies for her.
Gave up watching the kind of movies and things I wanna do for her.
Gave up my time to be with her many times.
Gave up my personal space when she said she needed me.
Came running to her tired and weak in the cold, rain and heat whenever she said she wanted to see me or needed me.
Listened to her yelling at me and giving me the cold shoulder for being late, it was because I worked like a dog. But I still patiently stood and listened.
Put my expectations and feelings aside to not be a burden on her.
She would say she wanted to see me, missed me all that only for her to say in the end everything wrong in her routine is because of me. I tried talking to her even. Everything I could've done. I tried. Why couldn't she just have opened up at the start, why did it take her so long to say this. I asked so many times. Why couldn't you have just said this earlier?
Why did you never get over your ex? It's been almost two years. I gave you more love and affection than all your abusive exes ever did combined and yet all you could do was talk about them to me all the time. I don't even know how many exes you have in total cuz I don't even know if whatever you told me ever was the truth. I gave you princess treatment however I could. I wanted to give you the world. Why did you have to hurt me like this. All that you cried about your exes doing to you. In the end you ended up doing all of those things to me. Why didn't realisation strike you?
She loved me at the start. All the nice things she said. All the sweet things she would do for me. All the love she gave. All those times she yearned for me just as much as I did for her. I stayed the same but she changed. I wish I could get that version of her back. I guess I just loved that version of her. But that was never the real version of her to begin with.
She fell in love with me for who I was and in the end she ended up hating me and hurting me for who I was. It's so ironic.
Any relationship is bound to have differences. It's two different people at the end of the day. I dealt with her authentic version even if she kept changing. Through all her troubles and breakdowns and episodes and tantrums everything. I stayed for her. I stayed when I didn't have to. But I wanted to. Alas, she didn't want to be with my authentic version anymore. Hurt me, stabbed my heart, pushed me away and I still tried to hug her however I could through all her pain.nIn the end, I was left hurt, deserted and in the ditch curb stomped, at my lowest. The one time I needed her, I wasn't worth it I guess.
I will miss the sweet moments with her. I miss her giggles, her laughs, her smile, her one crooked tooth, her beautiful hands that looked like they were painted in gold. Her pretty birthmark on her leg that she thought was ugly and insecure about. The way she held my hand, the way she would make those puppy eyes for me, the way she would cook for me those first few months, sweet pictures of us she would click. The way she would look at me earnestly. Her cute snores while she was next to me in bed. The way she'd crib and cry. I miss this girl.
But I will not miss the girl who made me feel inconsiderate, selfish, abused me emotionally and physically, anxious, nervous, congested, talked to guys behind my back, cheated on me, disrespected me many times, gaslit me, controlled me and my emotions, and threw sharp words at me. I was your punching bag. I would've been your cushion with every fall if you just let me. This whole relationship was about you and your problems. I became a convenience and a human pillow for you. Once you were done with me you threw me away. You can only blamed things on your problems for so long. If you actively choose to not seek help, then how do you think you're gonna get through it?
in the end, there was no call, no final meeting nothing. A single sentence followed by a block. I shouldn't have tried reaching out but I was trying to salvage something I thought was worth fighting for. I only realised that it was the last time we saw each other after it was over. I'm giving up. Ths is the end of the road for me. I wish you well. I hope you heal, and I hope someday you find someone who can treat you well again. I bear no hard feelings. It's ok even if you never reach out to me again. I won't wait expecting it.
In the end she prioritised herself. And cut me out. Brutally.
In the end, I was back to where I always was, alone.
But this time it was with a scar. A big one.
I loved her, but the version of her who loved me was just a persona. One of many. I never really knew the real her.
I will never trust anyone with my heart the same way again.
Shame on you for changing, shame on me for staying the same.