r/dating_advice

I’ve noticed something about myself that I don’t like, and I can’t tell if it’s normal or something I need to fix.

When I’m talking to someone I’m not that invested in, I’m completely fine. I joke easily, I don’t overthink messages, I just say whatever comes to mind. Conversations feel natural and I don’t second guess anything. But the second I actually like someone, it’s like a switch flips.

I start thinking about everything. How long I should wait to reply, how a message might come across, whether I’m being too much or not enough. I’ll type something, delete it, rewrite it, then still feel unsure after sending it. It’s like I go from relaxed to calculated without meaning to.
The other night I caught myself staring at a message I had already sent, rereading it and wondering if one word made it sound different than I intended. I know that’s not normal behavior, but in the moment it feels hard to stop.

What confuses me is that I know I come across better when I’m just being myself, but the more I care, the harder that becomes. Has anyone else dealt with this and actually managed to stay natural instead of getting in your own head?

I (26F) recently went on 2 dates with a guy who I met on Hinge (33M). I put on my profile that I want a long term relationship and kids. He put on his that he’s looking for long term, open to short and left off his preference on kids other than that he doesn’t have them.

On the second date the topic of kids came up. I told him that I want kids but I think I’d still be happy without them if it didn’t work out. He said he truly could go either way, he’s fine with having a kid but if someone he met didn’t want them it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for him. He said he saw I had want kids on my profile and it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him either and he still went out with me. He said he leaves the preference off his profile so he can explain his view on it when it comes up. He did say he doesn’t think he’d want more than 1 kid though which is fine for me as I only want 1-2.

The thing he said that I’m not sure how I feel about is that he doesn’t love dating women his age in his 30’s who want kids because if they do they want to move at a much faster pace than he does, because if they want kids it has to happen soon. He said because of this he prefers to date 26-27 year old women who have plenty of time. I’m not in a rush to have kids although ideally I’d want to have one before the age of 35 so I feel like I have plenty of time for that. Although I’m wondering what people’s thoughts are on this. Part of me wonders if I’ll get to my early 30’s with someone with this view and he won’t be ready or doesn’t really want them.

I (27F) caught my boyfriend (M31) of 3 years texting another girl a few weeks ago. I confronted him, he apologized a thousand times, then we talked about it for HOURS and came to the conclusion that things maybe could be better within our relationship and we would put in the work to get there. A few days after that, he bought a flight to go visit this girl. Then called me to say he should have said he was out and he just wasn’t sure this was end game for him.

I’m heartbroken obviously. As I was deleting all his shit from our shared icloud, I saw he was looking up “what to do when you feel like someone is not high value enough to be with forever” and that hit me so deeply. I know I’m not perfect in a lot of areas, but I showed up with integrity and commitment and loved him wholeheartedly. I genuinely just wanted to see him succeed. I immediately closed out of it and deleted his account off my computer, but I wish I’d never seen that. I’m so so tired of crashing over this. I feel so inadequate and guilty and he’s just moving on with someone else like I was trash.

How does one get over this!!!!! Truly

I am 30 years old

A woman

And 70% of the time I come across a guy who shares my interests in anime and gaming like me on the dating apps....they come across as fetishistic. Like they only seem to be interested in the idea of having a girlfriend who wont be upset with the fact that they're into gaming and not care about anything else about me.

I mean yes.... anime and gaming are two of my favorite hobbies but there is more to me than that; I have family and friends, I am a full time registered behavior technician, I love movies and occasionally reading novels, I indulge in creative writing for fun, i volunteer with horses on Sundays and I collect hello kitty merch.

Or if they dont fetishize me....they can't hold a conversation or pick up on basic social cues.

And while I have met some great, well adjusted uys who have their lives together at the comic store I frequent to play A TTRPG games....they are either taken or I cant see myself being more than friends with them for various other reasons (i.e., fundmental differences in values or lack of chemistry). And there are also a few weirdos there who want to treat the shop like a boys only club and feel like they have to quiz me before they believe i am into this stuff.

I would like a guy who i can game with and watch anine with but I am starting to wonder if maybe thats not in the cards with me.

Went on a first date last night with a hinge match. The plan was to get drinks at a rooftop bar, chat, and vibe before going out dancing to another bar. We chatted for about an hour and half over drinks and thought things were going pretty well.

Then we went over to another bar next door and got a drink there. After 30 mins or so there, I got us an uber to a third bar that was further away but was more of a dancey spot. We get there, get more drinks and go near the dance floor.

Once we’re there, a guy comes near us trying to hit on her, but he first asks me if we’re together to which I say “we’re on a date”. He then asks her the same thing, and she does not mention being on a date at all and just tells him we just met tonight and basically welcomes his advances and they chat a bit more. He also asked her in front of me if she’d pick him or me. I turned away while they were talking so I don’t know what she said but they exchanged contact info and he went away afterwards.

Once he left, she asks if that was weird for me which I’m like yeah that was. Then she tells me she thinks we’d be better as friends which I thought was weird to do 3 hours into a date and never mention it earlier. She says we should still try to have a good time since we’re out here anyways and that she’ll wing woman me if I want to pick up another girl at the bar.

I told her I don’t really want to do that since I would prefer to be with the person I actually came on the date with plus not really the type of guy to spend a night out trying to hit on girls at the bar to which she responds by calling me a p\*ssy.

I told her I think I’ll just go home and she got really upset and stormed away to get another drink. I really wish she let me know earlier in the date that she wasn’t feeling me that way we could have gone out separate ways earlier instead of me paying for everything, trying to find places that play music she’d like, etc.

If I’m on a date where I don’t vibe with the person, I usually don’t try to prolong it any more than I have to. And I most certainly will never try to hit on another girl or welcome advances from one while on a date with someone else just out of respect. Is it normal for people to do this?

Ironically she asked me what’s the worst date I’ve ever been on earlier and I didn’t really have a good answer since I like to think most if not all dates I’ve gone on have been decent even if there wasn’t a spark.

Hi!! So I matched with a guy on bumble back in January and have chatted on and off with him (mostly led by him because I hate to chat fi ages without meeting)

I kept suggesting we go on a date and he would dodge the question. A couple of weeks ago i pinned him down for a day on the Sunday (we were meant to go on the thursday) - he didn’t mention anything about it so I assumed it wasn’t going ahead. On the Thursday he texted me saying I’m sorry about tonight I don’t want you to feel not prioritised or something similar. I said don’t worry let me know if you want todo something when you’re back from your trip (he was going on a work trip)

Earlier this week we arranged a date for today. This morning he texted me saying he’s woken up feeling ill, he really didn’t want to reschedule but he didn’t want to get me ill, could he let me know by midday.

I said yes that’s fine but then I thought more about it and it annoyed me because I delayed visiting my parents by a day so I could go on the date, and I thought if I wait until midday and then he cancels I’ve wasted like 3 hours when I could be at my parents by now.

So I sent a message saying on second thoughts, let’s cancel tonight, I’m not really feeling it anymore. Hope you feel better

Now I feel like I was really rude and I should have just waited till midday to see if he’d actually cancel

Was I rude? Or is the second time potential cancel enough to think okay he’s not interested?

whats the truth.?

I’m (28M) so sexually frustrated rn. It’s officially been 8 years since I’ve last had sex.

I know I’m an attractive person tbh and I have women around me interested. But they’re all wrong kinds of women and I don’t want to have sex simply out of desperation to get it over with.

Every girl I meet seems to be toxic af, not over her ex(this is the most common one), emotionally immature, thinks they can make me fall in love with them or just traumatised and wants sex as an escape. Is it really too much to ask for a girl who’s over her past relationships and is emotionally mature enough to handle sex? I want someone who’s attracted to me for me and not just looking for an escape.

All I want is a nice night with someone who I’m mutually attracted to mentally and physically. A good freaking date. I just want decent company for once that actually feel comfortable around to sleep with. I didn’t think this would be so difficult to find. Do y’all have any thoughts or suggestions? I’d be more than happy to listen, I’m a bit tired of all this.

_________

Edit: Seeing some repeated comments.

It’s not a girlfriend experience that I’m looking for just to hook up.

A woman wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who’s treating servers terribly on a date, who isn’t clear with what he wants, who doesn’t know how to talk properly to the other gender, if he’s unhygienic and so on.

So why should I? All I see are double standards here.

If someone wants to sleep with me they need to be the kind of person they’d wanna take out. I don’t wish to accept a bad experience just because sex is possible in the end.

I want it but I’m not desperate.

So I have been regular at a bar and I am interested in a bartender, but I would not like to make things awkward for her and still shoot my shot.

I am aware she is doing her job and is working.

What would be the best approach, trying to engage her in conversation in a not so busy night, trying to be direct and say that I am interested to know her and can we meet sometime at some other place, slide my contact on something, any other ideas. Would love female opinion, and if you are a bartender, that would be even more helpful.

hi i'm 17 and never had a relationship or a kiss with a girl and never had sex, lately i'm trying to flirt with the girl i like but i feel like a complete loser

Everyone knows men likè either Boobs or Ass for women.

Women what do you like about Men’s body parts that you find attractive?

Howdy! So last year, I dated this girl, she was sorta my dream girl, a bit of a hippie, sweet, kind, pretty, etc. However, she had a tramatic past and was a fearful avoidant

We ended up dating for around 2 months when she broke up with me. Her reasons were primarily based around projections and fears she had. ie. Because I was never in a relationship there was no way to know if Id be verbally abusive, because I was toying with my diet at the time, in her eyes I was not eating enough and it would lead to her not eating enough, and she didnt know if she wanted to be with me or was afraid Id dump her. I tried to meet with her after we broke up, but bailed as I knew itd turn to be begging her to come back which wouldnt be healthy. Obviously no breakup is one sided, and I know there is things I couldve done better.

So a year removed, Im about 2 weeks away from starting my dream hike (the AT), and Im back on the Instagram, and wanna see how she is doing (maybe deep down give it another go when I return havent worked thru that yet...). I know this is probably an awful idea a year later, but should I shoot her a follow request?

TL;DR : I was dumped last year by a girl I had great chemistry with. is it wise to try to follow her on Instagraml a year later?

Ex-girlfriend wanted to stay friends and I listened to her

Me 38m and my ex 36f were together for 6 years and boke up because of my job in the oilfield, I work 20 days away from home and then home for 10 days. I didnt want to be friends but we both still loved eachother. I told her I wanted to work on our relationship. After about 3 days no contact she had a breakdown so I agreed to be friends with her. I was her only real friend for 2 years, there were times where we would kiss, go on dates, ho to concerts, she would come over to my new place, we would share a bed. I was under the impression that we were working towards a stronger relationship. After her last sleep over, everything felt good and natural. We communicated everyday until I got home from work. While thinking we were going to make it, she told me she met someone and has been seeing him the 20 days i was gone and we can't be friends anymore. She begged me not to block her and how hard its going to be without me. So now I'm still in love, feeling like an absolute idiot while she got to move on.

I (25F) had been talking to a guy (27M) on a dating app for a few weeks before we finally met last weekend. The date felt great to me, we had dinner, good conversation, lots of laughs, and overall seemed to click.

Before the date, he was texting regularly (every day or every other day), always friendly and engaged. After the date, he texted to say he got home and that he had a good time. I replied and thanked him.

But since then, communication has dropped off completely. I reached out yesterday to ask how he’s doing, and he didn’t respond for about 12 hours, just saying he’s “okay.”

My gut feeling is that he’s just not that into me and maybe didn’t enjoy the date as much as I did. I haven’t dated in a while, so I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this.

Would appreciate any perspective.

I would like to know what signs do women see if another woman likes her man but hasn’t said anything or made a move yet. What are your thoughts?

It feels like most people rarely make an effort anymore and it's disappointing that it's a "normal" thing

. I am 29F, dating a guy (29M) from ten years. We have everything perfect but my sexual appetite is very high and his is absolutely zero. His ego gets hurt whenever I try to put this point out, he calls me out for being too horny. but I just want bare minimum. We barely sleep ten times in a year. I want to spend my life with him but sometimes I feel sad that I have to give up on this huge part of my life. I have never dated anyone except him. I do satisfy myself but I really wish I could experience what was out there. women who had similar experience, how did you deal with it?

Yeah you know the classic debate. Here we go.

Matched with a girl on hinge. New to the area so I wanted to meet up and explore. We ended up going out and having a fun time (on my end at least), she liked to touch my arm, fist bump while talking about games, and touched my leg. Conversation went really well and we had a ton in common. We ended up doing several shots and went to another place.

We continued to talk and I thought she was into it so I started playing with her rings (my usual move) as she explained them and I just held her hand for a moment. She then goes it’s casual dating around here (not my experience based on the other dates I’ve been on but) I took it in stride. I figured that she wasn’t into that and we carried on. No big deal I thought. Yeah the comment was weird and was a tell for me at that point. Anyway at the end of the night we had a few pecks as I walked her to her car.

I might’ve been overeager here but over the next day or so I was interested enough to want to see her again so I asked. She’s like I’ll keep you updated. I said no problem but of course that’s not a good sign. A few days pass by and I was ready to find out my fate lol. I started a conversation and she’s asking me questions back and carries the conversation so I’m like alright let’s find out when date 2 happens so I asked. She goes I’ve been thinking about it and would like to be friends. How do you feel about it. So I basically said hey it was great meeting you, I want to date and I’m not looking for friendship but good luck.

Idk why she bothered asking me to friends? It’s clear I wanted to take her out so it didn’t feel even to me. Idk how your experiences have been but my experiences have always been it never ends well. Usually a lose-lose for me. I’ve tried it before in the past. Usually they’re not that good of a friend as maybe she’s just being polite and we’ll never hangout. Or they’ll just complain about dating to you (who they rejected) or they just ditch you once they get the next dude. So yeah I could use a friend since I just moved here and she was cool but it’s clear she didn’t find me attractive. Which you can’t win them all. So what’s the point? I want to find my person. Maybe if it was in a different context not old then I’d seriously consider it.

Age old question. What would you have done?

My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me rimming him, but I’m starting to think he’s actually serious. It’s made me curious – for the guys who enjoy it, what makes it feel good? Is it the physical sensation, the taboo factor, or just the intimacy of it? and what position is best? if I do it I want to surprise him (hygiene is no issue, we was before all intimacy)

Hi! I’m (19F) currently in college and I recently started seeing this guy (19M). He’s pretty cool and I like hanging out with him, but he has a couple of quirks that I can’t get past.

The main one being that when I went over to his place for the first time, he had a very large cardboard cutout of his ex’s face behind his bed.

When asked I asked about it, he said he would’ve gotten rid of it but he was planning on turning it into a dartboard. This was very odd to me so I just suggested that he get rid of it because the dart board idea comes off very serial killer, and it makes it seem as though he’s not over her. After a couple of weeks, I forgot about it until I went over to his place again and it was still there. 😭

How would I kindly go about suggesting that he gets rid of it? It’s creeping me out and I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I also don’t really want to date a guy who’s still hung up on his ex girlfriend.

PS. WBS if you have Reddit and you’re reading this, the dart board is a bad idea, just get rid of it!

Edit: For context she broke up with him like 4 months ago. I didn’t think much of it because I also recently ended things with someone.