r/BPDrecovery

I’ve been working really hard to recover and turn over a new leaf, but I just wanted some perspective on something that happened recently. For context: I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year now but we have been close friends for four years. We’ve both seen eachother go through very hard times and given eachother great support and understanding and I feel like we have an important bond. There’s so many good things about our relationship, but I have to admit that during a lot of it I’ve been very depressive. I sh to get attention, create victim lies and things like that and also just self sabotage to see if he will leave me. No matter what I do (or any mistakes he has made as well) we always seem to reconcile and decide we love eachother and want to keep trying. I have a lot of guilt about some of my past mistakes and I’m trying to improve, but today I found something I’m not sure if I can get past.

Basically, when I’m at his house he sometimes showers and lets me draw in his notebooks while he’s in the shower. Anyways, I opened this one book that was laying out thinking it would be good to sketch in but it ended up being his personal journal and the page I opened to was immediately a pros and cons list of me and a draft of how he was going to break up with me. I wanted to see how long ago he wrote it so I flipped around for some context and basically I found out that it was likely from four or five months ago. But when I was looking I also saw an entry about how much he misses his ex who was his first love and I just wonder why he started dating me if he still misses her. I basically immediately put it away after reading those and I know I shouldn’t have looked at all but I couldn’t help it. I know that these thoughts are meant to be private and may just reflect a time of emotion and not actual feelings— and I know that actions speak and thoughts don’t. Through his actions I know how much he cares and understands me, and supports me improving. But I can’t help but wonder, why did he end up staying with me even though he had the breakup drafted? I don’t want to bring it up because I know how much it would hurt for him to defend/ explain something I wasn’t even meant to see, but how do I not explode over this? How should I move on? In my head I know it’s okay to miss an ex during a new relationship and that him missing her doesn’t take away from what we have… but how do avoid getting jealous over it?

me and my boyfriend have been together about 9 months. he's exhibited some behaviors like looking through my phone while i'm asleep, blocked me on everything when i told him i would go study with my ex, repeatedly bringing up breast augmentation/piercings, throwing my body count in my face during discussions, saying because i'm bisexual he worries about me having female friends or male and should be able to go on vacations with straight females, he cheated on an ex and never told her, he brings up the race of men i used to date.

i have done a few things wrong. brought up his instagram followers once and asked him to unfollow an ex. i overcommunicate about the things listed above when he hurts my feelings and try to use skills to help him see my side, that cosmetic surgery comments are hurtful and i love him, etc. i get very upset and cry a lot and a couple times drove to his home, he invited me but i came in a state of deep dysregulation and reassurance seeking. i get upset and can talk for 2 hours trying to fix us...i know i should go home and use skills but i want to fix it so bad

i genuinely feel so disrespected and mistreated. two days ago he brought up bisexuality concerns, my body count, made a joke about me looking like a overweight woman if i don't go to the gym and shoved his finger in his pants and under my nose as a joke when he was sweaty all within 30 minutes.

i reached a breaking point cried hysterically basically. we went to sleep and to a edm dance the next day. a girl tried to dance on him and talk to him while i was right there. i told him i was sorry but couldn't be there right now and needed to leave.

he basically kinda ended things after this conversation. said that it's too much wrong with us i ended up begging him to stay. he didn't totally end things but i haven't reached out since and neither has he. i've tried so hard to use skills and doubt myself so much.

how do i know when to let this relationship end? how to stop fighting for us and not fall into self blame? i feel powerless to not accept this stuff when dealing with fear of abandoment. it feels impossible to say i don't deserve this and i will go home tonight, so he never takes me serious.

Obviously a lot of these have overlapping symptoms etc so I’m taking some of this with a grain of salt. All of the other diagnosis makes sense to me except the bipolar 2. I was told by a different doctor years ago who didn’t really do a super in depth analysis that I was OCD and I’ve tried many different meds - none have really worked for me. Anti psychotics, SSRI’s and now I’m currently just on Zoloft and feel more depressed and lost than ever.

I’ve been looking into everything more since I got diagnosed bc I never even considered the idea that I had bipolar bc I never felt like it matched my symptoms, especially based on reading things from other people online. I have never self harmed, I never had any crazy manic episode, never been hospitalized. Have I had suicidal thoughts? Who hasn’t. But I’m not suicidal by any means.

In high school I did drugs and made bad decisions sexually and in friendships, but my biggest issues was always been my crazy mood swings - it’s affected all of my friendships and relationships. I rarely feel any “highs” and feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Every once in a while I’ll feel like myself and have a confidence boost or urge to shop to feel good or do something outside of the norm/book a trip spontaneously but I wouldn’t consider that manic. Most of the time I just feel extremely empty and almost sad but it’s very hard for me to actually feel sadness. It’s mostly just like numbness and feeling like a shell of a person. Like I don’t even feel like a person and just have no interest in anything. I have no sense of identity anymore.

I’m 32 and as I’ve gotten older the symptoms changed from erratic mood swings and anger and guilt to just emptiness and coldness and detachment from reality. I work a part time job and own a business and have no motivation to put anything into my business. I don’t have the confidence or desire but I keep trying (the bare minimum) bc I’ll feel like a loser and failure if I don’t even have that since I have no money saved (got into a lot of debt) and no college degree or other skills. Sorry went way off topic but figured I’d give some back story. I just don’t think the bipolar is correct. BPD sounds way more accurate but I know there are similar symptoms so what do yall think? I feel like what I used to have of myself is just disappearing the older I get and things are just getting worse. At least I used to have ups and downs, but it just feels like these past few years have been depression.

Hey everyone, I have bpd and have been diagnosed later in life. I am receiving treatment and have learned a great deal over recent years. I have just turned 50.

One thing I have noticed is that when happy, I'm extremely excitable and childlike. I even have a high-pitched voice. It's always been this way and is part of me, but I would prefer I didn't have that. I feel that other people fully mature, and I just haven't. Is this common? Why does it happen?

I am 26F and i was born/raised as a girl, i never had any problem with it. i was the "stereotypical" girl, liking pink and purple and playing with dolls. even though i know women aren’t like that and have their own style and interests, i loved fairies/princesses and all that,

i don’t have masculine features either…

i am so confused & lost.

i even have breast implants that are a C cup because my natural breasts were small when i was fully grown

as i got older i developed BPD and lost my sense of identity. grew up without a dad or any male figures, no brothers.

i feel like an alien wearing a meat suit and its hard to see or perceive myself. Sometimes i question if i am transgender or want to be a boy and i don't feel comfortable in my skin or very human.

i can’t say this to anyone because they’d think im insane

i am autistic, i have no friends and dont fit in anywhere,

i recently got out of a toxic 5 year relationship where i was obsessed with him and based my existence off him. maybe its like wanting to be the other sex because i thought he was perfect?

and now he isn’t mine and never will be.

he was a man, had a unisex name, nice voice (mine is high pitched and squeaky)

tall and he had soft feminine features and he recognized that.

he was the balance of masc and feminine, he said he had the “feelings of a woman” and he was sensitive and not afraid to cry

he said i liked him too much, got tired of me and left,

i wanted to marry him and have kids but now i can’t see myself doing that,

I cared about him more than myself and now hes gone and i lost myself

the signs of BPD are loss of self identity and mixing that with autism is just messing with me even more

maybe it’s because of social media exposure too and internalized misogyny even though it was different before

like am i non binary or do i want to be a man fr..

or is it all just social media, my ex trauma, autism and bpd messing with my head

What does this sound like? how can i make the thoughts go away?

i feel like i don’t belong anywhere, maybe living as a man wouldn’t make any difference

Tl;Dr I’m trying to talk to him about this without splitting. I haven’t in a while but this topic he just blows me off sometimes it feels when I tell him and it hurts..

(I’ll start off by saying I am on the spectrum so sometimes I don’t always explain myself well enough and I am worried that is the case here and want to make sure I’m explaining myself correctly) So I (26f) have tried to explain these last few months to my boyfriend of 7months (29m) that I am not comfortable with his brothers girlfriend (22f and 24m).

She’s constantly inappropriate and Christmas break (the first time I met her) she was all over him touching him and grabbing onto him and literally practically ignoring his brother (her boyfriend) to talk to my boyfriend. I tried being friendly with her so I asked her to talk and I was trying to be pleasant until she’s was literally saying being like “oh he’s like my best friend and his ex didn’t deserve him and I’m not even as pretty as his ex” (I had bad teeth because I couldn’t afford surgery, finally did it though and my boyfriend literally paid for it)

Then even after I was like “yes he is attractive that’s one of the things I like about him” she was like “but he is more handsome than (insert her bf here)” and I didn’t even know how to respond to that and when her boyfriend walked in right after SHE ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

The next day she somehow begged and managed to drag my boyfriend to meet HER PARENTS. And she completely ignored her boyfriend the whole time trying to show mine around and introducing him to her parents like he was her bf not his brother” and my boyfriend tried to play it off like “we’re all just really close like family”

Then we ended up having to take them to the airport and she asks me “Oh is it okay if we talk about his ex 🥺” and then proceeded to admit she’s legit stalking this poor girl who’s now married and happy with a kid and talking shit about her for no reason. My bf was uncomfortable but didn’t even try to stop her

Then without asking she takes his phone and starts playing Russian love songs about not being with the right person (not understanding I was a volunteer overseas in Russia for two damn years)

When we finally dropped them off I FISTBUMP HIS BROTHER because that felt appropriate but she literally jumped into my boyfriend’s arms and wrapped herself around him and then fucking smirked at me! I’m not joking. And I let it go for a while because I trust him I do

But after a month of holding it in I told him I’m uncomfortable and told him why she did all those things and he said he’d tried but he’s made no real change to distance himself from her and instead only plays game with her and his brother with when I’m at work or asleep.

And then sometimes she’ll call him DRUNK FROM HIS BROTHERS PHONE because she “misses him” and wants to play games… I’m literally shaking as I post this and I’m not sure what to do. When I told him I’m uncomfortable he said he just wants to tell his brother but before that HES MADE NO CHANGE except for what I’ve listed above.

Im so lost and I love him so much but I feel sick and im literally shaking as I post this but any advice on how to better communicate this boundary or get him to see that I’m not crazy. Or maybe I am and please tell me if that’s the case 🙏 But all I want is to know how I can talk to this about him in a way where he takes me seriously.

Hi All,

My son is turning 1 next week. This is already a tough milestone for the “normies,” but I feel that this is even harder for us with BPD.

I’m breaking down left and right. I know the goal is to ultimately raise kiddos to be independent and to be good humans, but I feel that time is just slipping through my fingers.

I love this kid with all my heart, it hurts. My question is: how did you deal with your little ones growing up? What helped you? This is just so fucking hard.

I really don’t feel like typing it all out again and no one listening.

To give you the bare minimum, I’ve had issues within insomnia again, maybe I was manic for four days, and then I returned to my “normal self.” I’ve been blowing up on my boyfriend maybe from gut trauma response.

It really fucks me up because I thought I got better for the most part.

To be honest, I just want someone to ask and care about my feelings. I need someone to understand what I’m saying, but nobody does. (Obviously, you won’t either until more details are given).

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about three years ago, now in my mid-30s, and it helped explain a lifetime of intense emotions and pain. On the surface, I had a “good” childhood—my parents provided for me—but I constantly felt undeserving and ashamed.

My dad was mostly absent during the week and, when home, could be harsh. Both my parents hit me, which left me feeling like a bad child who deserved it. Even now, as a parent, I can’t understand that kind of discipline. Those experiences created deep shame, anger, and self-punishment that started early and still affect me today.

There were positives—my dad supported me during major mistakes and was proud when I eventually earned my doctorate—but he has also consistently invalidated my mental health, dismissing my depression and even accusing me of making up my diagnosis. He often centers conversations on himself and minimizes my struggles.

I also felt overlooked growing up. My sibling excelled in sports and received most of my dad’s attention, while my interests were dismissed. That dynamic still affects how I see myself, even though I’ve built a successful career.

My sibling remembers our childhood very differently and believes I should move on, but I struggle because there’s never been acknowledgment or accountability from my dad—only blame placed on me.

Am I unfairly holding onto the past, or is it reasonable that these experiences still impact me? And why might siblings come away with such different perspectives?

I have BPD, anxiety and depression. I live in a constant state of fight or flight and am always on edge & have to live like this everyday. Lately my job has got 10× more stressful and I have been trying to sort out my debt which has become out of control & live with my parents who just add to it all and complicate my problems and multiply my anxiety. I keep losing it and shouting at my dad because he just doesn't listen and I have to tell him everything like 4 times and it feels like hitting my head against a brick wall. I'm trying to do weekly DBT, but honestly finding it so hard. Recently my stress is getting to me physically, I get high BP, palpitations, pressure in my head and feel sick. I just want to break down and cry and feel i can never recover as the weekend is too short. What should I do,.I keep losing my cool and shouting and feel like acting out in those moments?

Hi everyone, I am kind of at my wit's end and not sure what to do. I do start therapy again tomorrow which is a plus. Honestly everything in my life is going great right now but I have so much trauma from my past that some days, I think I might self sabotage everything at once. I went to treatment last year and found out I had BPD for the first time in my mid thirties. I saw treatment notes that had been sent over from other clinics and one of them said 'possible bpd' but nobody bothered to mention it to me so I could try to work on it in my late 20s, which made me feel betrayed. I have been doing DBT therapy on and off since I found out and I have worked on my depression but I think I am going through an episode of it again now. 

My background is that I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and my dad left when I was really young. Finances were always low and I developed extreme saving habits to try to cope with the poverty. I do pretty well for myself financially now but I really struggle with keeping a job. I have always been much better at school vs working. I was diagnosed with cPTSD, OCD, depression, and now BPD. I recently went on a GLP-1 and it is helping tremendously with urges to overeat and overdo a lot of other things in my life. I think it is my saving grace right now. 

[Trigger warning]

I am trying to cope with my past of having 3 r*pists that haunt me til this day. I went to the police about one of them and they said they would not take my case seriously since I willingly went home with him in the first place. Another one who is in my current city is going to be married soon and I feel responsible. I did tell one of his friends and he is supposed to talk with him soon. I feel like I should go to the police with my case and see if they do anything with it. I wouldn't want anything to happen to his fiance because I didn't do anything about it. 

Today, I bedrotted nearly all day. My house is a mess, car is a mess. I am training at a new job and I like everyone and everyone likes me but there is someone who is very loud there and gets everyone else riled up, which is fine but I really struggle with the noise level even with headphones and earplugs at the same time. I get overstimulated and then tired and when I get home, I don't have the mental space for socializing or chores, so stuff piles up until the weekend. I haven't seen my friends in almost 2 months. I tried to just endure it one day and I went home and bedrotted the rest of the day.

I am also going on a trip to my childhood home where all of my trauma occurred and I am cleaning out my room and saying goodbye to one of my family members who contributed to my abuse, who is passing away. 

On top of that, my partner is going through some stuff which is contributing to the lack of my s** life and I think we have mismatched drives which has made things worse for me and it's getting increasingly difficult for me to cope with everything. I have brought it up before but I am waiting until they get through this tough season to try to address it again. I deeply care about them and I want us both to be happy. 

I am trying to calm my thoughts of wanting to kms and sometimes it becomes too much, like today. 

Thanks for listening. 

A couple months ago, I started DBT Therapy and I’m struggling to build a solid relationship with my provider. It feels very hot and cold for me regarding trust. I notice that I do enjoy seeing my provider but I struggle emotionally after almost every single session. It’s to the point that I’m scared of going because I’m anticipating the horrible mood switch after. I’m at a point where I’m uncertain what to do. Idk how to not be anxious or how to stop feeling awful after?

Has anyone experienced this? What helped?

I’m 20 (F) and struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. Early this year I was experiencing extreme panic attacks (unrelated) and my doctor put me on 10 mg of paroxetine in January to help my anxiety. In the first couple weeks, it was almost euphoric. My panic attacks were completely gone. I used to be having them every single day and I hadn’t experienced one since I had gotten on the meds. after a couple weeks, the dose was upped to 20 mg.

Before the meds I had been in one of the best spots in my life doing so mentally well I’ve been a year and three months clean from self harm. I was in a healthy relationship and my BPD symptoms were basically dormant for about a year. About a month after I started the meds I started noticing I was splitting which wasn’t normal for me and it kind of just got got gradually worse and more often until I was splitting almost every single day about small things. Over the weekend, I had a manic splitting episode that ended in me getting arrested. In this past week, I had never felt more suicidal more manic or uncontrollable in my life, and this is completely not like me. I looked up a bit about Paxil and what it does to people with BPD but I wanted to know if anyone else has had a similar experience where their BPD got significantly worse after being on this medication.

Tl;Dr (26f) (29m) my current relationship

So I (26f) have tried to explain these last few months to my boyfriend of 7months (29m) that I am not comfortable with his brothers girlfriend (22f and 24m).

She’s constantly inappropriate and Christmas break (the first time I met her) she was all over him touching him and grabbing onto him and literally practically ignoring his brother (her boyfriend) to talk to my boyfriend.

I tried being friendly with her so I asked her to talk and I was trying to be pleasant until she’s was literally saying being like “oh he’s like my best friend and the last girl didn’t deserve him and I’m not even as pretty as the girl before me” (I had bad teeth because I couldn’t afford surgery, finally did it though and my boyfriend literally paid for it)

Then even after I was like “yes he is attractive that’s one of the things I like about him” she was like “but he is more handsome than (insert her bf here)” and I didn’t even know how to respond to that and when her boyfriend walked in right after SHE ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

The next day she somehow begged and managed to drag my boyfriend to meet HER PARENTS. And she completely ignored her boyfriend the whole time trying to show mine around and introducing him to her parents like he was her bf not his brother” and my boyfriend tried to play it off like “we’re all just really close like family”

We ended up having to take them to the airport and she asks me “is it okay if we talk about his you know who” (they were together eight years and split amicably)and then proceeded to admit she’s legit stalking this poor girl who’s married and happy with a kid and talking shit about her for no reason. My bf was uncomfortable but didn’t even try to stop her

Then without asking she takes his phone and starts playing Russian love songs about not being with the right person (not understanding I was a volunteer overseas in Russia for two damn years)

When we finally dropped them off I FISTBUMP HIS BROTHER because that felt appropriate but she literally jumped into my boyfriend’s arms and wrapped herself around him and then fucking smirked at me! I’m not joking. And I let it go for a while because I trust him I do

But after a month of holding it in I told him I’m uncomfortable and told him why she did all those things and he said he’d tried but he’s made no real change to distance himself from her and instead only plays game with her and his brother with when I’m at work or asleep.

And then sometimes she’ll call him DRUNK FROM HIS BROTHERS PHONE because she “misses him” and wants to play games… I’m literally shaking as I post this.

When I told him I’m uncomfortable he said he just wants to tell his brother but before that HES MADE NO CHANGE except for what I’ve listed above.

Im so lost and I love him so much but I feel sick and im literally shaking as I post this but any advice on how to better communicate this boundary

How can I just get him to see that I’m not crazy. maybe I am and please tell me if that’s the case 🙏 But all I want is to know how I can talk to this about him in a way where he takes me seriously.

So I'm BPD and I need to vent because I'm overwhelmed and scared after last night. I heard my mom and my brother fighting as usual before I was passed out. I was already in my bed and trynna go to sleep, but their arguments were normal, my brothers rage is daily. I didn't think anything of it. I guess I thought I was asleep when I heard my neighbours voice or someone with a deep voice banging and screaming outside the front door. He was yelling telling my brother to knock it off, and I thought I heard the front door open making me think he had bursted in. I woke up startled and crying and unable to breathe. Everything in the house though had become silent, so I thought it was a nightmare. Only to hear my brother and my mom talking about it this morning, all of it did happen. They had just gotten quiet and the door opening was my mom telling him to go away. Everyone was scared after that since it escalated, and he apparently stayed outside the house another 30 mins, hence the silence. It was weird and triggering, and I think I would've felt better thinking it was a nightmare. Now I'm kinda scared of going to sleep, of the neighbour, and of my brother acting up. Then I tonight I heard people screaming outside tonight before I head to bed, and now I'm experiencing paranoia again. I used to call my mom over because I love being out in the living space yet I always got scared that there was someone aiming a gun at me. Now I'm feeling it again suddenly and having to hide in my bathroom when I thought I got over my fear of windows at night and thinking I'm hearing gunshots. Does anyone else have random paranoid episodes or think they dreamt something intense? I'm just so anxious lately.

https://discord.gg/Mffkpc67Ht

https://preview.redd.it/mwkwjrjkuyxg1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=1c8b06e8c4cd7cec03f86a83804e2aae6e7b4f5f

Link to Survey: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience