i feel genuinely mistreated by my boyfriend but also know i am BPD. how can i know when to leave?
me and my boyfriend have been together about 9 months. he's exhibited some behaviors like looking through my phone while i'm asleep, blocked me on everything when i told him i would go study with my ex, repeatedly bringing up breast augmentation/piercings, throwing my body count in my face during discussions, saying because i'm bisexual he worries about me having female friends or male and should be able to go on vacations with straight females, he cheated on an ex and never told her, he brings up the race of men i used to date.
i have done a few things wrong. brought up his instagram followers once and asked him to unfollow an ex. i overcommunicate about the things listed above when he hurts my feelings and try to use skills to help him see my side, that cosmetic surgery comments are hurtful and i love him, etc. i get very upset and cry a lot and a couple times drove to his home, he invited me but i came in a state of deep dysregulation and reassurance seeking. i get upset and can talk for 2 hours trying to fix us...i know i should go home and use skills but i want to fix it so bad
i genuinely feel so disrespected and mistreated. two days ago he brought up bisexuality concerns, my body count, made a joke about me looking like a overweight woman if i don't go to the gym and shoved his finger in his pants and under my nose as a joke when he was sweaty all within 30 minutes.
i reached a breaking point cried hysterically basically. we went to sleep and to a edm dance the next day. a girl tried to dance on him and talk to him while i was right there. i told him i was sorry but couldn't be there right now and needed to leave.
he basically kinda ended things after this conversation. said that it's too much wrong with us i ended up begging him to stay. he didn't totally end things but i haven't reached out since and neither has he. i've tried so hard to use skills and doubt myself so much.
how do i know when to let this relationship end? how to stop fighting for us and not fall into self blame? i feel powerless to not accept this stuff when dealing with fear of abandoment. it feels impossible to say i don't deserve this and i will go home tonight, so he never takes me serious.