I found something I shouldn’t have and idk what to do about it
I’ve been working really hard to recover and turn over a new leaf, but I just wanted some perspective on something that happened recently. For context: I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year now but we have been close friends for four years. We’ve both seen eachother go through very hard times and given eachother great support and understanding and I feel like we have an important bond. There’s so many good things about our relationship, but I have to admit that during a lot of it I’ve been very depressive. I sh to get attention, create victim lies and things like that and also just self sabotage to see if he will leave me. No matter what I do (or any mistakes he has made as well) we always seem to reconcile and decide we love eachother and want to keep trying. I have a lot of guilt about some of my past mistakes and I’m trying to improve, but today I found something I’m not sure if I can get past.
Basically, when I’m at his house he sometimes showers and lets me draw in his notebooks while he’s in the shower. Anyways, I opened this one book that was laying out thinking it would be good to sketch in but it ended up being his personal journal and the page I opened to was immediately a pros and cons list of me and a draft of how he was going to break up with me. I wanted to see how long ago he wrote it so I flipped around for some context and basically I found out that it was likely from four or five months ago. But when I was looking I also saw an entry about how much he misses his ex who was his first love and I just wonder why he started dating me if he still misses her. I basically immediately put it away after reading those and I know I shouldn’t have looked at all but I couldn’t help it. I know that these thoughts are meant to be private and may just reflect a time of emotion and not actual feelings— and I know that actions speak and thoughts don’t. Through his actions I know how much he cares and understands me, and supports me improving. But I can’t help but wonder, why did he end up staying with me even though he had the breakup drafted? I don’t want to bring it up because I know how much it would hurt for him to defend/ explain something I wasn’t even meant to see, but how do I not explode over this? How should I move on? In my head I know it’s okay to miss an ex during a new relationship and that him missing her doesn’t take away from what we have… but how do avoid getting jealous over it?