r/widowers

I’m not really understanding or processing

I know he’s dead and his dead body is the last thing I saw of him

But my mind is not wrapping around it

In some ways it feels like he’s still alive

I feel his ghost and his presence

I feel him speaking to me

Like Hes still at work and going to come home

Like he’s waiting at the park and thinking of what to text me

I am utterly confused at what is happening and I am so shocked

Please someone who has experienced something similar can you relate with me and is there better subs to talk about this

I am seeing signs of him everywhere and it’s like every animal and human being is a piece of him

My mind tells me he’s still around but I know it’s not possible

I am absolutely drowning

He is shouting at me from the other side

He is watching me while being dead

Everyone must think he’s still alive

I must be the only one who knows for certain that he’s dead

Somebody help me I’m not okay

8.5 months in the drill atp. Just wanted to vent honestly. Is anyone else really tired? The crying and the tears have settled in now. I don't wake up and have to do the entire process - is he alive, oh he died, this happened... Rather i just have internalised and processed it to some level. I remember even in my subconscious mind that this has happened.

However, before this happened, my social energy used to be really high. Now, i am just really tired and can't wait until its bedtime and the day is over.

Sending everyone peace and strength!

So I am a little over 2 years out from losing my spouse and best friend quite suddenly while on vacation. Jesse was just 42. I can honestly say the first year was a total blur. I was on disability from shock. I returned to work and in the second year, while devastated, I felt a strange sense of being impermeable to anything life could throw at me. I even tried dating which basically was a flop of man children unfortunately.

I have to say support and sympathy has dried up just when I feel like the reality is hitting me. People are busy with their own lives and I worry sometimes that I am an after thought. I am alone most days and work from home alone. I keep in touch with my friends regularly but it isn't the same as having a partner. I cannot seem to motivate myself to do anything. No one has the time or money to travel with me. My stepsons are busy with their lives. I go out and do things alone but it makes me feel sort of pathetic. I am seeing now that I have to rebuild my life from scratch in some ways.

I have decided I can't talk to people about how I feel really anymore. I also don't want the rest of my life to be me alone and sad and bored. I am financially well off but don't want to go do things alone. I am just lonely and feeling a wee bit loserish these days. Have any of you faced this? How did you deal with it?

We talk occasionally on here about signs from our late SOs. I just had one this evening and it was bizarre to me. I’m listening to a soundtrack that I listen to a lot and all of a sudden I get a song that doesn’t belong there and it’s a Seal song, “Don’t Cry”. If you’ve never listened to the words, take the time to listen to them. First of all Seal was one of our favorites and our song is one of his. Secondly, this past weekend was really rough because my dog died (at home) and I’m feeling very guilty and I’ve been crying my eyes out and missing my husband at the same time. The dog was his in connection. I love the dog too, but he was really connected to my husband. That song started playing right out of the blue in the middle of my soundtrack, it played two more songs that I know Bruce wanted me to hear and then it went back to my soundtrack. I am blown away and so happy that he’s still here with me after 2 1/2 years! 💔❤️‍🩹

My husband, best friend, and father of our grown sons died Sunday of stage 4 lung cancer. It was not peaceful. I spent the last five days with him in hospice and watched his final breath. We didn’t get to grow old together. I’m just a middle aged woman who is now incredibly dead inside. Our love wasn’t perfect, but it was real.
I keep talking to him, expecting to hear him. I don’t feel him around me. I keep hoping this is all a nightmare. I fucking hate every minute of my days. I just want him back.

I recently discovered that I was the victim of a military romance scam. Luckily, I figured it out before sharing too much information and I didn't lose any money. The person found me through a chat space for widows and used my loss to gain my trust. They claimed to have also lost someone and therefore we had a lot to talk about.

Its yet another secondary loss. If the love of my life wasn't gone I would have never been in the position to be taken advantage of. The whole experience made me realize how lonely and vulnerable I really am.

Be diligent. We are all easy targets.

On April 25, my wife passed away suddenly. She let out a groan that woke me from a sound sleep. I asked her if she was ok, and she said, “It hurts.” I think after she said that, she was gone. It took me a few minutes to figure out what was happening and call 911. They had me start chest compressions, and the paramedics, as well as the police, were at our home in 10 minutes. They worked on my wife for 30 minutes and couldn't bring her back. They ruled her death from natural causes, so I'll never know what the hell happened. The anxiety I feel daily, reliving the what-ifs and would of, should of, could of is overwhelming. Not only did my wife die, but I feel I was too slow to understand that it was a life-or-death situation. I'm just getting through day by day and a simple thought of the future sends me spiraling. She would of been 60 in June and we had so many plans. I don't know how Ill ever come back from this.

A few weeks ago, my husband tragically passed away in an accident while I was 34 weeks pregnant with our first child. I’m now 36 weeks pregnant and preparing to bring our daughter into the world without her father beside me.

He was my best friend, my safe place, and the love of my life. Becoming a father was his biggest dream, and seeing how excited he was for our baby girl made me love him even more.

What should be one of the happiest times of my life has become the most heartbreaking. I’m trying to navigate grief, prepare for childbirth, and somehow stay strong for our daughter all at the same time.

Some moments still don’t feel real. I miss him more than words can explain, and I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without him. I just needed somewhere to let this out.

Well it’s been 164 days since my husband left this world. Just recently, I realized that I have been almost only thinking of him at his very best moments. I have somehow smoothed over the rough edges of his personality. I’m thinking it’s a common thing to do but it’s maybe not a helpful thing to do. Like he is a revered soul, an angel. Most times that’s how I feel, but not always. I mean he wasn’t necessarily a bad guy, just very opinionated and shared his opinions with anyone who listened (this got him in trouble on occasion). And sometimes he did disappointing things that were not exactly good for the well being of our family.

I mean I feel guilty for even writing ill of the dead. Everyone else here seems to talk so glowingly about their lost person, so maybe none of you can understand. I know I also speak highly about him too but he certainly was not perfect.

I caught up with an old colleague (we are in our 40s), he was talking about his career goals, how he is finishing his PhD, how he bought a house, got married a couple of years back - so much plans. He asked me about my plans (we were helping out tutoring a group of students), i simply said none and maybe work just enough to be able to afford to live the next 30 years or so...

Oh how losing a life partner just derails motivation and ambitions...

FML.

If there is an after life, do you think they think of us or wonder what we’re doing like we do for them?

I’m two and a half years in, and I can’t stop feeling that I’m living someone else’s life. I have no idea who this new person is and I can’t say I even like her that much. She’s sad and boring and pathetic. I miss the me who died along with my husband two and a half years ago.

It’s going to be two months out for me soon after loosing my fiancé to cancer. I was wondering, what is the safest method to get rid of all of the medication’s and cancer pills…I can’t stand to look at them anymore. I don’t want to be reminded. Also, I have tons of medical supplies and equipment like wheelchair and walker along with wipes, gloves, flushes, diapers, etc. Do you guys know where I can donate the supplies? It’s so depressing to keep in the house. I don’t want to remember my beautiful girl like that in her final days. Thank you

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while. Life took over. I hope you are all surviving. I have a very honest thing I just realised, and I wonder if anyone else has the same feelings- male or female.

Where I am now at nearly two years since my darling husband died.

I still feel very much married to him and wear my rings. I can't ever see myself being with anyone else romantically or physically. I truly miss him and still cry quite a bit when alone. I am not lonely as I have a lovely family and good friends and value my own space. I love my home and my dog. I am spiritually contented and want to be here for my family and have no suicidal ideation. I have a good life with only one big hole in it-I miss my husband and all that we did together. He was a lovely man, and we had kind of traditional roles in that I cooked etc and he did all the DIY and heavy garden work while I planted seeds. He was very protective of me and had such a presence. He was ex-military, and his hobbies were very 'male shed' ones. Yet he was gentle and my best friend. A true gentleman.

Recently, I felt there was something MORE missing than his presence and love. And it feels awkward to say out loud. I have heard some widowers talk of missing a woman's touch in their life, and I have recognised that I feel the same about having a male presence. My children are female, my best friends are female- even my doggo is female. My neighbours are widows.

I am surrounded by female energy, which is lovely, and I am very grateful for the love and laughter that comes from that. But I enjoy when workmen come to the house, and I make them coffee and have a chat. I realise that many of my old friends from before my husband came into my life were male. I enjoyed their company. I don't want to date. I just miss the male energy I used to have in my life, and YES, that did involve not having to change a lightbulb high up outside the front door. Or bring wood in for the fire. lol.

So, I wonder if anyone else misses the presence of the opposite sex, not in a sexual way. More, as maybe gentle support and friendship? Do any women miss having a man around sometimes, and do men miss having a woman around, not living with them, just being there with a feminine touch or energy?

Or do you feel that if you can't have your spouse, you don't want anyone, even as a friend? I would be very interested in your views.

thank you

In March he had asked me what I wanted to eat for Mother's Day, I told him I wanted a massive loaded potato with carne asada (lived in McAllen Texas for a while and that was popular). Anyways, I ordered pizza today and the Uber driver dropped off the wrong order... it was a loaded potato with brisket from a BBQ place nearby!!! That was the only food, a baked potato with brisket. Last night as I was falling asleep I asked him for a sign that he was still with us and this happened today. I've been a mess all day, spoke with my MIL and we cried together, and then I cried again over a baked potato

Year 3, I’m in a bad spot. Everything is fine- financially I’m good, no debt. Steady job. Friends and family. My son is really smart and excelling in school. But emotionally I feel like it just happened. I just miss my wife, our life, and nothing can replace that or fill the void. What do I do? I have a psychiatrist and another doc I talk to each month. Maybe a grief therapist. Ketamine treatment? (doubt I can cause my other meds).

My husband of 20 years passed in January from complications of excessive drinking. Even before the drinking became a problem, we knew he would pass before me barring an accident because of other health issues. I've been prepared for this for a long time. It still hurts. It hurts every day, but nothing i do or don't do will change anything. I have chosen to rediscover myself through travel, exercise, hiking, decluttering, and finding the spontaneous, fun, wild person I used to be before I settled down and had my now grown kids.

My friend told me today that she thought I was spiraling because I got in a plane for the first time ever to visit an old friend who is experiencing a similar situation after the loss of his wife, started working out using equipment I've had for 3 years but never used because it annoyed my husband, and bought a bra to make my new clothes fit better after not wearing one for 10 years. I've lost almost 30 lbs since January on purpose. I can hike for hours without being so tired I can't function. I bought new clothes in styles I never thought would fit. I've been to places I never dreamed of going because he wouldn't go with me. I've planned more trips to do and see more things he never would have agreed to.

I loved my husband but I see now that he held me back in a lot of ways. Our life wasn't bad, we had wonderful kids, a nice house, decent cars, and what looks like the dream life from the outside. But 20 yr old me would be so disappointed in 49 yr old me. I let myself stagnate. I can see that now and I want to change it. But apparently not wanting to garden and spend every day at home instead of seeing and doing new things at every opportunity is somehow wrong.

I'm used to being judged in my community. I've never fit the mold of sweet southern church girl. Most of my life has been spent going against the expectations of my family and community, but I really thought that since I've not crawled in a bottle or flung my car into the scenery, I was making decent choices in this season of my life. Having my one friend who I thought truly knew and understood me tell me I'm self destructing really hurts. I might do crazy shit, but I've done nothing stupid or dangerous or life threatening.

Now that we know his cause of death its getting worse

I feel so guilty. He tried telling me but I thought he was lying!

About two weeks before he died idk if it was right before his hospital visit from faiting or right after he told me he was going to die soon! He told me the doctor told him he had clogged arteries and he just wanted us back together and his little family before anything..... I thought he was lying to make me feel bad and give him a chance. I remeber telling him "what happen to you can live without me and you dont need me?" And he said "i thought at first but im dumb i need you and i want to be with you i cant live without you".... when he told me I initially didn't believe him but still panicked... he kept telling me tho that she said he was doing better because he was working out and eating healthy but I think he was just trying to not worry me...... I wish I did more idk this sucks so fucking much.

So 6 months ago me and my wife were 36 and happily married with our two 12 year old dogs. My wife loved the dogs like they were her children and I loved them as well. They had been a bonded pair for 10 plus years now and never been separated. Well end of November my wife is perfectly healthy and one night just has a brain aneurism and collapsed. Next day I am told by doctors she went 25 mins without oxygen and this is really bad and then 24 hours after that I have to remove life support and she’s gone. It’s been a living hell and I have been holding into my two poor fur babies for support this whole time.
Last Friday morning one of the dogs suddenly became very sick, wouldn’t eat, and was looking rough. I eventually got her to eat and she moved around a little after puking but brought dog in Saturday morning. That’s when they say she has cancer bad and she is internally bleeding and it’s bad. I bring her home for weekend and her health falls apart super fast in next 48 hours. I brought her in Monday and the doctors confirmed what I knew and I had them come to my house to put her down so my other dog could see and understand. I truly believe she realized what happened to my wife the night it happened and before I did.

The problem now is I am beyond broken. It’s hard enough for first 6 months without spouse but to lose one of your dogs you came home to every night so you wouldn’t be alone? I even had talk with them after my wife died about it would be the 3 of us and now one dog is left with no sister and no mother. I fear she won’t last much longer from all this stress and I will be left w/ none of my family. It’s hitting like DeJa Vu though because wife and dog were fine, got very sick one day and few days later they are gone. I mean I was barely holding on before and now I feel like I have no humanity left. I feel like I could walk up an mug someone walking by and not even feel guilt about it. Theirs no god or karma in this world. I mean I just realized being good doesn’t get you good things and there is certainly no fairness in the world so why not be a complete asshole? I was the happiest guy 6 months ago and always tried to do what’s right but now it all seems pointless. If this can happen twice in half a year, then surely I could steal or be a shit head to others and nothing will come of it? I never deserved this type of pain and it’s cruel to expect me to bury 50 percent of my household in 6 months. Sorry had to vent