u/babywitch1980

In March he had asked me what I wanted to eat for Mother's Day, I told him I wanted a massive loaded potato with carne asada (lived in McAllen Texas for a while and that was popular). Anyways, I ordered pizza today and the Uber driver dropped off the wrong order... it was a loaded potato with brisket from a BBQ place nearby!!! That was the only food, a baked potato with brisket. Last night as I was falling asleep I asked him for a sign that he was still with us and this happened today. I've been a mess all day, spoke with my MIL and we cried together, and then I cried again over a baked potato

Our son went to prom, our daughter had her last orchestra concert of the school year, she also had her Orchestra Banquet, our son walks at the end of the month, and today is Mother's Day... All events he should've been here for. He was so amazing at celebrating all of us. I don't even want to think about Father's Day, the kids and I loved celebrating him and making sure he knew we loved and appreciated him.

Had to reserve tickets for our son's graduation today, and of course I cried when I had to reserve 2 tickets instead of 3. My mom calls and I tell her that I'm not doing ok and that I'm not in the mood to talk. She then tells me that it's not good, that I can't let myself get depressed. All I'm asking for is one fucking day where I can drown myself in my pain and sorrow, and when I say "drown" I mean just be on my own and lay in bed. My husband has been gone 3 weeks, and in those weeks I've been non-stop figuring out logistics. Trying to find a job, no luck, not having worked for 20+ years doesn't make people quick to hire me. I'm sad, angry, stressed, mentally and physically exhausted, not to mention I broke out in hives from the stress. I just want one day!!!

I've been wondering if he knew he was going to pass... He didn't want our kids to see him sick (we thought he had a stomach bug before his passing), it's almost like he wanted them to remember him healthy. The last few days he slept a lot and had nightmares, he would always tell me how he wouldn't dream. If I was chilling in bed with him he would make sure to hold me or lay on my chest.

I miss him so fucking much

When we got home from the hospital 4 weeks ago I placed the bag with the clothes he left the house in in the bag the hospital put them in the laundry room. Today I walked in and it smelled like ammonia. It was his clothes, he apparently urinated in the ambulance ride. Even though they cut his shorts and underwear off of him I still washed them before I threw them away. Needless to say I ugly cried.

So I started posting on TikTok as a form of distraction and as a journal of sorts. My handle literally has the word widow in it, my bio has the date of my husband's passing and yet I've been messaged by men hitting on me. It's disgusting behavior. I even had a couple here on Reddit do the same, I blocked them quickly (I also blocked the ones on TT)

It's been a little over 2 weeks since the love of my life passed away, in these 2 weeks I've been keeping myself busy (there's so many logistics) and I think I haven't had time to really process, I'm also really good at disassociating... Until yesterday. On Fridays our kids hang out with their friends (I've told them to continue doing this because I know their dad wouldn't want them to stop living their lives), so since it would be just the 2 of us we'd get takeout. My mom is here with me and she got us takeout, I broke, ugly crying and hyperventilating. It finally hit me that he's gone, that I have to live 20+ years without him. My life sucked before he and I reconnected and it sucks again.