u/friesovercries

8.5 months in the drill atp. Just wanted to vent honestly. Is anyone else really tired? The crying and the tears have settled in now. I don't wake up and have to do the entire process - is he alive, oh he died, this happened... Rather i just have internalised and processed it to some level. I remember even in my subconscious mind that this has happened.

However, before this happened, my social energy used to be really high. Now, i am just really tired and can't wait until its bedtime and the day is over.

Sending everyone peace and strength!

Hello,

I have been a member of this community for 8 months now and I went through a similar experience due to my friend having a near-fatal seizure in the middle of the night. It brought back every single minute detail of the night, but atleast she survived. Not only I have to bear the stress of everything that happened, i also get to see the other side of what didnt happen, my love not making through it. I am grieving everything right now, losing him, losing the possibility of everything going right and seeing how unnecessary the trauma that I have to live with. I am glad she survived but it has unlocked the set of images of her being lifeless to my love actually dying.

If any advice or anything, please lmk

Started law school together. We didn't know each other and within 20 days of getting to know each other, we started dating. We had our ups and downs at law school but the only thing which kept us going was that we were there for each other. We were strong for 4 years, until one day, he suddenly fainted and well, you know the drill. We were in our 9th semester then, and after bereavement leave and everything, I had returned to complete my 10th semester. Well, now that is closing too. Its weird that grief is hitting. I am writing this post from the library where I am studying for my "last exam". It feels bittersweet, not only everyone is nostalgic about law school coming to an end, I am sad because of losing him too. I have more or less accepted his death and come to terms with losing him, being 8 months out. But closing this chapter feels like losing him again, somehow? It feels like if I had waited long enough, he would have come back (usually, I dont go back to the spiral, but I think another small-ish wave is hitting, I can float but I still feel it wash up). And I realise, from here, its only away from what has happened and memories, instances everything will fade. I am fine with the memories fading, eventually everything fades anyway. But yeah, I never even close to imagined that I will be graduating, alone WITHOUT HIM.

I dont know how to feel. Sending everyone peace and strength.