r/openmarriageregret

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the helpful comments! I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention and I don’t normally use Reddit so I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do an ‘update.’

So he finally called me after he finished work last night for us to ‘talk.’ I apologised again for the miscommunication and said that I didn’t feel we had a detailed enough conversation to establish boundaries and to define what an open relationship means to us. He agreed but didn’t apologise for his role in that. He then said that he was mostly hurt because I seemed to have developed an emotional connection with this girl which I can understand and I apologised for again. Then he asked me if I felt like I was happy in our relationship. And to my surprise I told him I wasn’t. He said he wasn’t either and so we decided to break up. I haven’t even had a text from him this morning and I haven’t tried to reach out either.

I do feel hurt and a bit lost but after the last few days of crashing out I also feel a huge sense of relief. As well as reading all the comments under this post I also spoke to a couple of my friends and came to the conclusion that if the two of us were truly happy together we wouldn’t have felt the need to open our relationship in the first place. I am going to give it some time to heal but now when I am ready I am free to be a young adult without the pressure of a big future looming over me. It has also opened up new jon opportunities as I don’t just have to look in the same city as him so we could move in together.

I know a lot of people are calling him a piece of shit and a gaslighting liar but I am still very fond of him and so I don’t really care at the moment to argue with him and question his side of the story; whether he changed the terms of our open relationship or did end up sleeping around and didn’t want me to know.
Maybe at some point I will bring him up on this but I think the most important thing is for us to both try and move forwards.

As for the ‘Minecraft girl,’ I sent her a text saying I will give her a call at some point soon to explain and she said that was totally ok and to take my time! So hopefully I have at least made a friend and something good has come out of this.

Thank you once again everyone for the help and support xx

******

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him. He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment. It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it and she said she would be down so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea. He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own. This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me. We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Makosharkin

Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!physical violence, controlling behavior, verbal abuse!<

Original Post - rareddit Nov 13, 2018

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, I love him and used to respect him but his recent fixation on this dumb subject has really hurt my respect.

So he proposed 1,5 years ago. I said yes. About a year ago he found out his friend had slept with 100 women prior to getting engaged and som how this affected his psyche and purposed an open relationship. At first I was disgusted by the thought but I agreed after he threw a major meltdown.

So I started going out with friends, the first few guys I was so nervous because I'd been with 2 guys (including my fiancé) prior. But after I got over the nerves I realized when there's no pressure to start a relationship, I'm really good at picking up dudes and sending vibes that I'm DTF (I've actually met several off Reddit as well). I've been with 42 guys in the past year. I never thought it would happen but I've enjoyed myself immensely. But honestly I'd be ready to stop.

But as if turns out my fiancé is not good at if and he's had 2 really bad hookups from dating apps. When we were having the "where are we" discussion he had another melt down when he found out how many guys I've been with. He kept repeating "you've slept with 20 times the number I have? 20 TIMES"

I said maybe we should just stop. He said no that he wasn't ready hut now he wants to impose a "rule" that I have to take a break until he gets to 10 and then I can go out and meet someone new every five new girls he sleeps with.

To me this is goddamn ridiculous. Part of the fun of this was the independence and not checking in. Now he literally wants me to keep a log and then when he hits like an achievement then I can do my thing. How shifty is that?

And in all honesty, I don't want a relationship where we have to compare numbers, let alone fuck other people. I want a normal life with kids and a house and dog. What are we supposed to say "I watch the the kids until you fuck five women then it's my night!"

Is it time to just say enough is enough and move on? Is there any hope here?

Tl;dr: fiancé is not happy with the open relationship he started and instead of just stopping it, he wants to add crazy invasive rules.

Edit: rip my inbox with people calling me a whore.

guys wow, glad my best karma every has to do with my sleeping around. I have 1400 unread messages (exactly) and 17 chat requests. I'm almost certainly not going to bang anyone from this thread! and this isn't even my real account! Find my real account on r/needlepoint or r/mma and I'm down. Just kidding...don't do that. my new fav:

[Edited out]

edit 2: holy shit, this just wont die. Wow. Goodnight everyone. fiancé is at his place after a very tense hour or so where he basically called me every name in the book and I just sort of took it. I've gotten the advice I need, it's just the idea of dumping four years of history makes it hard to pull the trigger. I know he wont do it even though he thinks I'm the worst person alive. I hate him but love him. Life sucks. It really sucks.

TOP COMMENTS

rugby_shirt

>Move on

~

Maxxmz

>Honestly, the meltdown at the open relationship was already a pretty big red flag

KING_JELLYB3AN

>>All because some guy said he slept with a 100 girls, probably lying or exaggerating. So he HAS to sleep with more girls... The kid doesn't know what he wants, why would he even propose, what a child. @OP dodged a bullet, but honestly there was probably more signs than this one

~

ExistingSecond1

>It’s pretty well known in the ethical non-monogamy community that women fair much better than guys. A previous partner would meet five guys for every one person I’d meet. It’s a pretty common discrepancy. He should have done his homework first.

Can I post an update? I (25f) am the now infamous "whore" from the post that blew up yesterday. Just broke things off with fiancé (27m). Nov 14, 2018 (Next Day)

So yeah, I guess I made the front page yesterday. I've been on reddit for years and I think my "normal" account has maybe 500 karma and I make the front page for my sex life...yay!

Whatever, well I read responses well into the morning yesterday while my now ex-fiancé absolutely blew up my shit alternating between calling me a whore and cunt, asking me why I disgraced myself and him like that. He also peppered the barrage with things like "what's going to happen to us after this?" I finally fell asleep at like 3 am and should have worked but after finally admitting that I needed to break things off with him, called in sick to work.

Went to finances house, asked to come in, told him we had to talk. He said we did. But as a testament to his fucking out of control ego he prefaced his part of the conversation with "I want you to know in advance, I MAY not be ready to accept your apology." Fuck him.

I planned on being nice but that was too much. I just told him "its over between us." His look of surprise was a combination of pathetic and amusing because even after calling me all sorts of gendered slurs for the better part of a few hours, he still wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He begged me to know "why" I think I told him he had to know why and tried to leave. I had no desire to talk to him so I tried to leave and he kept trying to block me and grab my arm. I finally told him that if he didn't fucking let me go I was going to call the police. He finally relented but as I was trying to drive away he came out and starting punching my drivers side window. It was terrifying but it didn't break. Between leaving his place and getting to mine he texted and called at dozens of times. I just blocked him and deleted the whole conversation without reading it.

Fuck him too because I had the ring in my pocket and planned on giving it back but now I'm too scared to go see him to give it back so I'm selling the mother fucker or getting it melted down.

So that's that. I don't know this will probably get removed but its all good. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at this point. It's been a crazy couple of days

One last update from me (I was the 25f who went a little overboard when fiancé wanted open relationship). Mailed the ring back, started therapy, looking at starting over single for a long time. Nov 17, 2018 (3 days after previous post)

Editors Note: the text is unrecoverable but the title says she sent the ring back

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I wanted to share this not as a "My way or the highway" or to soapbox, but as a polite cautionary tale about how polyamory is not for some.

A little background. My husband and I were married for five years when we started ENM, which was mostly just swinging with some threesomes and orgies mixed in over that 12 year span. Then we opened for two years and finally progressed to poly for a little over three years.

Swinging's most difficult part for us was finding four-way connections and avoiding toxic couples.

We moved to opening our marriage to dating separately, without romantic involvement, just for fun. When we opened, our main complaints revolved around avoiding unicorn hunters and keeping our private lives separate from our fun lives.

At this point, our marriage, our family life, and our friendships were as perfect as they could be. So why not polyamory? We had so much to give, why wouldn't we share?

However, when we moved onto poly, our whole world flipped.

• We learned quickly that you can't be closeted poly. Everyone, including our kids, family, and friends eventually found out. Lots of them said that they supported us, but always with a side-eye of judgement or just a downright, "you're crazy" comment. I stopped counting all the ways others told us that 'you're just going through a fad before the divorce.' Divorce had never been a topic or thought between us but everyone sure thought they knew more than us.

• We had to become self-reliant. We had a marriage that was built on a foundation where we worked together and relied on each other; I guess this is like every other marriage. But with poly, we became like roommates, each in charge of their own areas. Parenting even became a chore and felt towards the end like we were just constantly exchanging nights so we could be with our secondaries. I was told by every partner, in so many words and ways, not to rely on my husband, even for basic things, and he was being told and taught the same. For a while this worked and I felt that I was being good to him by not bringing my issues or wants or needs to him. However, as I stopped all of that, he felt that he too had to stop. A wall was slowly being built between us, and by the time we recognized it, it was a big freaking wall. The symbiotic relationship we had was almost entirely gone in just over a year's time.

• We had to become selfish. I started to pick and choose who I wanted to be there for and who I didn't want to be bothered by; this wasn't just with partners, but with everyone around me. I became a me-first gal. When I'd meet new people, even those far removed from poly, I started looking at them with a focus on 'what can they do for me.' This is something I have never felt that I have done in my 40+ years on earth, yet, up until the point of realization, it seemed totally natural and the norm for me.

It really took a turn for me a year ago when I started to view polyamory people as insufferable. I was the toxic person I had always hated. There I was, this pretentious relationship guru who was completely self-reliant, incredibly selfish, and filled with animosity. I hated myself. I really did. This wasn't me. In two years time I flipped 180-degrees in every way possible.

I wanted to remove myself and distance myself from everyone new in my life, which at this point was almost entirely made up of poly friends. However, I couldn't just leave because I was taught that it was unfair to treat my husband this way. And you can't have one-sided rules or boundaries or whatever the buzzword is today. I was just reminded over and over that I don't own him; which is true. He's not my property; again, true. It's not my life to control; again, true. So I started fantasizing about leaving him and returning to monogamy with someone else. I sat on that for months. The thought of someone else though gutted me. How did I get here? Why was I now thinking I needed to leave him and start over? I broke down. I hit rock bottom. I found support in those around me, but it was the same, tired, advice that just pushed me further into being this self-reliant, self-absorbed, selfish a-hole. I did not like myself. I did not like what I had become.

I got myself a therapist, an ENM-friendly therapist, and she worked with me to unravel the mess I was in.

So here it is: I recognize that poly is really good for some, especially those prone to being self-reliant and even those who, dare I say, are selfish. But after three years, this is all I came to see it as for me. Polyamory is taught from the perspective of "I have soooo much love to give!" but all I saw came down to 'what can you do for me?' and 'how can I push people away while shitting rainbow unicorn dust over all around me.'

Fortunately, after my husband had two breakups occur almost simultaneously, with the support of my therapist, I confessed all that I had been feeling to my husband. When I did, he opened up that he had felt very similar to me. He was afraid to tell me because he felt that he would be too controlling to ask us to stop. There is certainly a cult-like feeling to it all for us now.

We get why some do polyamory, but for those like us, who are happily married, happily ENM, and happy to be reliant on others while they are reliant on us, polyamory can be a death pill.

I know that I will receive downvotes and there will be no shortage of those telling me that we did poly wrong. I was in r/polyamory sub for years, too, but I'm okay with this. If that one person who was like me is starting to see their world fold in on them, and this helps them have that tough conversation with themself and/or their spouse/partner, then it was worth it. My husband I have been taking a break from ENM and rebuilding our marriage to where it was pre-poly, and things are going great. A lot of discussions revolve around, "I didn't know you felt that way too!" which is great.

I (f) have a meta (f) with HSV2. They’ve had two outbreaks in the past 6 months. She and our shared partner (m) have sex without condoms a couple times per week without condoms. He and I exclusively use condoms (this is at my request, mainly due to the known hsv2). This has been the arrangement for about 4 months. Today, my partner told me they’d had sex a few days into one of her outbreaks. I am really trying not to react based on stigma, but that made me uncomfortable. I would be far more comfortable if the two of them wore condoms, but I am unsure if it’s an overstep to ask them to de-escalate their relationship in that way. I would be comfortable enough continuing as we have been, but it almost feels unfair, that we are taking this precaution and they are not. Thoughts?

tl;dr - sorry, turned out way longer than I thought. Here's the short version: poly for 6+ years, in the beginning agreed with my partner that I'd rather not hear the details of her sex/play with others partner. Today she told me details about sexual encounter (she got double penetrated by other partner and other FWB), my mind made a mental image, have been fully turned off / unattracted / even disgusted perhaps (???) with my partner since then. Feelings are quite strong (not jealousy), even though rationally this puzzle was solved 6 years ago. Does this mean fundamentally I have an unresolved hang-up with poly, or am maybe fundamentally less (okay with) poly as I thought?

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I've (36M) been with my current partner (32F) for 6.5 years now, and we were poly from the start. "Kitchen table polyamory" we call our variant, non-hierarchical but with the constraint that every romantical contact must be okay enough with each other to at least be able to share dinner at the kitchen table every now and then (meaning if someone has a strong dislike for someone new, we discuss this and while we won't 'veto', we do strongly take each others feelings into account).

Sexual partners / play partners, not so much, they can come and go but I for one am not interested in socializing with them. Like at all. I'm an introvert and really don't care about meeting new people multiple times a year and invest precious energy while they might disappear 2 weeks thereafter, especially not if the only reason I ever see them is "because they're having sex with my partner."

My partner initially really liked sharing everything about every thing she did and anyone she was with. In the beginning of our relationship I have voiced that I'm not particularly interested to hear the details about her play with others, be it BDSM or sex. While I'm happy that she's having fun and finds fulfillment in certain areas I'm less interested in, I felt unconfortable hearing the nitty-gritty.

Since then there have been moments where she voiced that my 'disinterest' (as she calls it) in her other partners made her feel like I maybe deep down wasn't okay with poly after all. Actually, a few years in this became a bigger trust thing that started triggering her anxiety a lot. At times this made me feel pressured to casually ask questions when she talked about her encounters with others - which in some instances effectively came down to asking details about her sex and play - to avoid falling into the trap where stopping her would cause an argument where I would have to defend my 'poly-ness' to ensure her that I was not suddenly going to leave her if she had sex with someone else.

What probably didn't help is that I have not looked actively for another partner in the past 6 years, or dated for that matter, except for having sex with one girl and some lewd stuff with another. For me this was enough and I certainly wasn't looking for another full time relationship.

---

Anyway, apologies for the lengthy pretext. Today something similar happened again. We hadn't seen each other for a while, and while taking a shower together she was updating me on her week. She dropped something about an encounter she had with "John" and "Fred" (1 new relationship + 1 FWB) and then fell silent and 'jokingly' 'teased' me about me never wanting any details anyway so if I wanted to know more I'd have to ask.

She was being a bit weird about it, and there was some tension in the air. I felt uncomfortable about it but against better judgement did play ball, asking something along the lines of "must've been something extraordinary if you say it like that?". Turns out she had a trio with John and Fred. Ok, good for her. Then some more details came out. Turns out she tried double penetration. Then the inevitable thing happened - a visual image formed in my mind with the faces of John and Fred and her in the middle. What I felt was not jealousy - I had felt that in the beginning of our 6 years somewhat regularly, and this was not it. I felt.. Unattracted, but with the snap of a finger. The image kind of disgusted me. I think in a matter of several minutes, my own little "johnny" went from half mast to actually shriveled up as if I'd just had a swim in the cold ocean. If you know what a fetish is (as I do, I have a very big one though very unrelated), let's just say there is one absolute anti-fetish I have which is 'cuck'. This image in my mind, I think, felt like cuck.

The next detail came out a few seconds later, apparently the condom had slipped off when one of them pulled out, so she had to report that there had been unprotected contact. This was the thing she had been uneasy about, hence the tension in the air. She needed to share a lot more details to explain how tf that even happened (I instantly thought the guy bullshitted her and took advantage, but this is not relevant to the story), which certainly didn't help with the mental picture.

---

Right now I'm home, on my own, and this whole thing is resonating in a bad way with me. "What is cuck even", "Why do I hate cuck so much", evolving to "does hating cuck mean I am not okay with her having sex with others" and finally ending up at "was she maybe right all along that i'm not actually poly and am instead just 'tolerating' poly by avoiding talking about her sexual experiences"? Does me avoiding images of her having sex mean I am at some level fundamentally just not okay with it, even though rationally I solved that puzzle 6 years ago and concluded there is no rational reason why any of that should affect our own relationship?

Rationally, I've known for 6 years that I'm okay with her having fun with other people, and I have never told her otherwise. When we did have discussions about it, it has only been about unprotected sex with others (boundary for me - or I suit up myself). But now, it does seem to have a real effect. Even though I know that there is no reason for this knowledge to change anything between us, I felt extremely 'unattracted', had no desire to have sex for the rest of the day despite not having seen her for a week, and currently I still don't.

I've had a similar feeling a few weeks back when I came home and found uncleaned toys in the sink that she'd been using with "John" that day. I knew John was there, I knew John and her had sex, I had no ill feelings towards that up until that point, and then I inadvertently saw an image of him penetrating her with that toy in my mind and went "owh" internally, instant turn-off, and have avoided that particular toy since. (That night actually turned out into a disaster, since she noticed that I wasn't touching her, leading to a big emotional thing about how she felt guilty for leaving the toys out and how unsafe it felt for her that I avoided touching her that evening.)

Is this recognizable to anyone, or does this more look like I have a more fundamental unresolved hang-up with polyamory that I have apparently not confronted myself with before now? Should I be able to hear the details and not be actually fundamentally disgusted with my partner? I kinda start to feel like she might have been right all along..

Update: Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and discussion points. You have given me a lot to consider. I appreciate that so many of you have shared your experiences with similar situations.

There has been a second wave of responses [perhaps my post has reached the general public (i.e. less open-minded) outside of this sub] that have assumed malicious intent on my part, and are assuming that I'm trying to trick or manipulate my husband or create a situation that would harm him for my benefit. Some even say that I have cheated and want his permission to continue. That is completely incorrect. I have never cheated and would never cheat.

The entire reason I posed this question is to see how to best handle this situation in a respectful and ethical manner, so that all parties are leading a fulfilling life. My husband and I are both very open-minded people, so I thought it would be beneficial to consider possibilities outside the societal norm of simply separating.

A big thing I'm realizing thanks to some thoughtful commenters is that my husband may feel forced to make a decision that he is not actually comfortable with just to prevent the separation. I think couples therapy with an open-minded counselor that is accepting of ENM and/or non-traditional relationships may be the best way to work through all of this.

--

Original post:

Has anyone here opened their marriage, but no longer has a sexual relationship with their spouse?

ETA: I would love to hear from others that have experience with this type of non-traditional relationship dynamic - whether it went well or went badly

I am interested in staying with my husband and remaining partners in running a household and raising our two young children together, but I am no longer sexually attracted to him and do not want to continue that part of our partnership. [Redacted info about my own sexuality as I don't think it's necessary to have the discussion]. I am not interested in seeking new to sexual partners for the foreseeable future.

I want him to have the great sex life that he deserves. The thought of him being in a sexual or even emotional relationship with another person does not bother me at all.

Has anyone been successful (or not) with this dynamic and would like to share some insight?

This discussion assumes he would want to stay in a relationship like this. Obviously I know that he may not be comfortable with this and may simply want a divorce when I bring it up. I'm just curious if something like this has worked for others.

ETA: I'd really love to hear from people who have tried something similar (successfully or not) or have other insights into open relationship dynamics. Disrespectful comments from those who have no interest in discussing the dynamics of an open relationship are not adding anything of value to this conversation and will be reported/blocked.

Hi F26 and my husband M30 have been married for two years and were in an open relationship while we were dating so we’ve been doing so for quite a while with no issue.

The other day he asked me how many people I am currently seeing which he has never done before, we normally never discuss who we’ve been with, and I told him the truth seeing no harm in that. I told him I am seeing three guys and a girl. At first he thought I was joking and once he realized I wasn’t he looked shocked. He then went on to say he normally doesn’t ever have more than one other partner at a time. After that conversation I could tell he was really jealous not upset or anything just jealous.

Now he is saying we should limit how many people we can each see at a time which is not going to fly with me. I’ve always been with at least three people at once the last five years and I’m not changing that. My husband has never had an issue meeting women so it seems to me he just doesn’t want to put in effort of being with more people at a time than his usual.

He’s dropped it now but he’s obviously still jealous though I’m not going to bring it up again. He’s never been the jealous type so I found it all really strange. Has anyone else experienced this before?

How do you deal with being HPV positive and sexual connections with other people?

Recently I went on my yearly test to test myself for HPV and for the first time in my life I tested positive for some of the strains. My partner also tested positive.

We're both sexually open people in a poly relationship. We've had experiences with couples and other people both together and separately.

I feel completely devastated. I keep thinking that no one will want to have sex with us because we tested positive and that we'll be kind of forced into a mono relationship. And it can take years for the body to fight of HPV...

These feelings are really intense for me, I feel like it started impacting our shared sex life (becoming distant, not wanting sex that much as before). We've already had other issues before that - me being frustrated with not being able to form a relationship with someone else other than my partner (constantly meeting people who are interested in enm/poly and then running away once they feel they could get attached to me) and us being frustrated with little sexual experience we have with other people, even though we wanted more. On top of that, HPV.

I really don't know how to deal with this. Has anyone had such experience and can share how they dealt with that?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/brentonthe posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 5th April 2026

Update - 2nd May 2026

AITAH for letting my boyfriend date his ex

So me (31M) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for about 8 months. He had told me that he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. I let them know that I do not have any interest in being poly. He kept bringing up the topic and wanting to open up the relationship. Finally about three months ago, I said I would try it. I said as long as there was communication and he let me know ahead of time that we can try it. My only thing was that I had Mondays and Tuesdays off, so those are our days.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I find out he has a couple of hangouts planned. And I asked about details of the hangout, and it was this guy (we will call Alec) and he was going to take him out to breakfast and pay for everything. I told him that that was a date. My boyfriend told me no it wasn’t and that it was just friends. He said that this was an old friend and they were gonna catch up. Now here comes the kicker, this was planned on a Monday. I’m off Monday. I let him know this and he said he forgot and he thought I was gonna be sleeping. (background.: I work overnights and I get off at 7:30 AM on Monday. I stay up all day Monday and go to bed at a normal time Monday night. And this is every Monday.) I let it go and told him to enjoy his day.

A couple weeks later was my birthday. I was super excited because one of my love languages is gifts. I love giving gifts and I love receiving gifts and my boyfriend knows this. I know this kind of sounds shallow, but even if it’s homemade and doesn’t cost money, I will love it regardless. My birthday fell on a Monday. I get off work and find out he has plans to meet up with another guy. I thought maybe this was a cover-up so he can get a gift. I was wrong. He admitted to me later that he forgot until my roommate texted him letting him know that it was my birthday and if I was gonna do something. Mind you this was already about 1 PM that he realized it was my birthday. He ran out and got a store-bought cake and some flowers. In my mind, this was strike two, but I let it slide. I was honestly very hurt. We had a big argument, and I thought we had come to another understanding that Mondays and Tuesdays are for us.

A couple weeks after that was Valentine’s Day, on a Saturday. I was really excited and I planned out a whole thing. I had a letter for each hour planned where he would open it and find a love message from me. There were some that had gift cards attached to them (DoorDash, Steam, PlayStation store,etc). His love language is words of affirmation. Some of the love letters were words of affirmation. I was super excited. The day before he lets me know he has a hang out with another guy planned. I was really hurt to be honest. I let him know this and he said that he would be back by the time I was up sleeping. (background: on my work week I get home around 8 AM and go to bed until 12:30 PM. And then I take another nap around 6 PM to 10 PM.) I said OK and waited for him. He didn’t end up coming home until 4 PM. I decided to sacrifice my sleep and stay up to have a Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend.

In the next month, I found out he had reached out to two more of his exes. He wanted to go on a weekend trip with one of them and the other one he was talking to over discord. Mind you the one he was talking to you over Discord broke his heart, and he’s still in love with him. The one over Discord does not have feelings for him whatsoever. The one that he wanted to go on a weekend trip with we will call Eric. He stated that Eric was going to order an Uber for him to his house and he’ll Uber him back at the end of the weekend trip. Mind you the Uber is about $110 one way. Eric was also going to pay for all his food and of course weed for my boyfriend. I felt super uncomfortable with this. I had asked to meet with Eric just to feel him out. We had another argument of where I let him know. I wasn’t comfortable with poly yet. He agreed to set up a dinner so we can meet.

My boyfriend asked me to drive him to Eric‘s house to see if that would calm me down. I said yes that would most likely calm me down and we can have that dinner with Eric. Pass forward to the day of and we get in the car to drive to Eric’s house and he drops on me that we will just do a call and not a dinner. And so we do a phone call and Eric gang up on me and starts asking me questions of why I need to meet his dates. I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable and it would make me feel more comfortable in theory. Eric stated that he has a husband and that I should not put myself through meeting these guys. This did not sit well with me and I got super quiet on the phone. Call where my boyfriend asked me if I was gonna answer. I felt very good on and I said no. I dropped him off to his weekend and left. Eric did pay for gas, which was nice.

In the next month, he knew planned about two more dates with Alec and they were all on Monday. He used that same excuse of forgetting.

A couple weeks ago he came back from his date and he was wearing all new clothes and jewelry and showing off of what his date got him. I felt very uncomfortable and I told him I am not comfortable with Polly anymore. I honestly tried and it is not for me.

My boyfriend has stated that I am overreacting and I am being unfair.

AITAH for this?

Comments

PrudentConstruction3

You don’t have a bf. Drop his ass he’s playing with your time and emotions that man doesn’t care about you

CrystalMus_

NTA. This isn't polyamory, this is him cheating with your reluctant permission. He ignored your boundaries, forgot your birthday for a date, and let his ex-boyfriend gang up on you. He’s 24 and looking for a provider/safety net (you) while he plays the field. Run

[deleted]

No, you’re not the asshole. You tried, communicated your boundaries, and he repeatedly ignored them. You’re allowed to say poly isn’t for you.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 month later

Update: so I broke up with him and I decided to continue with my move to Oregon. We were supposed to move together with a roommate of ours, but I told my now ex he couldn’t go. I called the leasing office and told them I want to take him off. They stated that when I pick up the keys I can take him off. (some backstory on what I found when I snooped, my ex was texting his friends and letting them know that he didn’t love me, but he was using me to get to Oregon. He said he was just choosing to love me, but he didn’t see a long-term relationship with me.)

My ex got on a train and went to downtown LA. When my roommate dropped him at the train station I noticed that the times for the downtown LA train were later in the evening. There was a train for Oregon arriving first. I asked my roommate what train he was getting in and he said the one to LA and that he saw him get on that train. I said ok.

A couple days later I made the 18 Hour drive to Oregon with all my pets and stuff. I went to pick up the keys and the leasing office said that my roommate already picked up the keys. I let them know that was impossible since we just got here from California. They let me know it was Angel. I saw red. I was so mad and hurt. I went to my roommate and asked if he knew. He said “oh so he is here. He wasn’t supposed to be here yet.” I was so mad I walked away.

I called some friends and asked for advice as well. I called my roommate and asked him if he knew. He came out and said he had lied and knew that my ex was coming to Oregon. Now I feel trapped in my own home and what was supposed to be a happy occasion turned into a stressful one. My Ex even ate the whole gift basket that was there to welcome us to our new apartment.

I am still trying to figure out what to do because I don’t feel comfortable with him here. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear it.

For context: since my ex picked up the keys a couple days before I got here and signed for everything, I couldn’t take them off the lease. Now since it’s been 48 hours after move in (since my ex picked up the keys) there is a form that we can fill out that everyone has to sign it voluntarily.

Comments

Fair_Text1410

NTA. Call the leasing office now. Don't wait on this. This is time sensitive. Don't get stuck on a lease with this guy.

salmalight

Yep, they told him to wait so he waited and he got shafted for it. They need to take you off it ASAP.

NerdySwampWitch40

You need to talk to a tenant rights attorney ASAP. Explain the situation. State that this is a romantic ex partner you had broken up with before the move, that you notified the leasing office in advance, and the leasing office still allowed them access to the unit despite tell you you could handle this when you came to get the keys. Stress that you now no longer feel safe in the home with this person or the roommate who aided them in stalking you.

>OOP: I never thought of this, I’m gonna look up one right now. I really hope they’re open on the weekends.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is something I have been ashamed to admit for a long time, because it's painfully obvious that I had self-esteem issues that played into this problem, and autism that made me struggle with the "grey" areas that were treading on.

My wife and I tried nonmonogamy for a year or so a while back. We had several polyamorous friends, and I had become convinced that this structure was more 'evolved' and healthy. I also had a deep rooted fear of not being 'enough', which was made worse since my wife had been in a poly relationship before and had engaged in several nonmonogamous events at parties during college, and had asked me for a threesome one time. I started worrying constantly that I wasn't enough for her, and I ended up asking her if she wanted an open relationship, and she said yes.

I tried sex with others a few times and it made me depressed because it made me feel disconnected from my wife. Meanwhile, my wife had began to develop feelings for someone she claimed to only want sex with. I spent a lot of nights alone in bed, while I listened to her giggle with him until 4am in the morning on voice calls. She bought him expensive gifts, but had stopped buying me gifts because I'm "hard to buy gifts for and [she's] not good at getting gifts." She would get mad at me when I called their relationship into question. And then only admitted to being obsessed with him after he made it clear that he wasn't going to have sex with her.

I was heartbroken. She was the very first person I fell in love with and loved me back. For a while she didn't want me to talk about it, but she eventually seemed genuinely remorseful, and admitted she had "got carried away" with the nonmonogamy. I feel like an absolute idiot who did literally anything aside get therapy. But nowadays, I have such bad anxiety surrounding the topic of nonmonogamy/polyamory. I feel that there's only a matter of time before she wants to leave me, that I'm no longer enough for her, even though she tells me she is sure that she wants monogamy with me now.

Every day I wake up, I remember that several month stretch where she woke up and immediately texted him. When she was usually only in 'the mood' after talking to him. When she would stay up late for hours talking to him. Nowadays, when she is 'in the mood,' it's hard to trust that she actually wants *me*. It's hard to trust that she isn't just closing her eyes imagining she was with him, or another new, novelty someone.

I remember her asking me at some point during that time, "why should sex be treated differently than any other activity you might do with friends?" and it still destroys me. She still sees it that way too. It makes me feel like she doesn't think I'm special at all. It makes me feel like she's taking advantage of my willingness to provide income and housing, while she remains a stay at home spouse, that she's taking advantage of my autism and my struggles with grey areas. It is so difficult to trust her now.

I am still heartbroken after this and I'm just now accepting how horribly this has messed me up. I don't know what to say or do. I love her to death and she gets me on so many other levels and our connection is so much deeper than any I've ever had. I can't give up on this relationship but I have no idea how to move on from this pain that consumes me every goddamn day.

Sorry for the long rant, I didn't know where else to put this.

I just need to rant for a hot minute about other men in the lifestyle for a sec (I'm m 34).

Half the posts on here are guys like having their eyelids ripped open to the fact that they aren't as desirable as they thought, dating is a challenge for them but not their wives, and if you add in ANY complicating factor (i.e. living in a rural area) it gets so much worse.

Yet like 75% of you guys don't "let" your wife/partner sleep with other men, and like 99% of the ones who do, only do it if they get something out of it too, whether it's watching, seeing a video after, or swinging.

We don't have much of an ENM community in my area, we do have a bar that's poly friendly so a lot of people go there. I go there one night, met a woman, having a great conversation. Mention I'm poly, she's like "awesome me too!" We trade numbers, chat quite a bit over the next couple days, I started talking about meeting up for a date. I'm not shitting you when I say this, her husband is "only comfortable with her seeing other men if he gets to fuck someone at the same time she's getting fucked, so could I bring my partner and we could swing, a female friend, whatever I want" as if that was like REMOTELY reasonable. Mind you, her husband has literally never even seen my partner, nor has she seen him, much less built any amount of connection. Fuck *I* have never seen nor talked to her husband.

Shit like this is SO. FUCKING. COMMON. Guys, fellow men, what the fuck? Do some fuckin work. Like I get it, I asked for my partner to only see women when we first opened up. Made the mistake too, mea culpa. But Jesus fuck, grow. It's hard, but worth it.

Just to get in front of the "swinging is a valid _____" yeah, I don't have a problem with that, swing all you want, not fucking piggybacking on your wife's charisma and having HER potential partner bring someone you've never met who would end up being *your* dance partner for the night.

/End rant

We’ve been together for 10 years (31f & 40m) and I met him when I was young and didn’t have much experience with other men. I’ve always been pretty sexually open and always interested in open relationships but never brought it up bc I know he’s not.

We have a strong relationship and a pretty good sex life. I casually mentioned the idea of an open relationship and he took it personally even though I assured him it’s not personal. After we calmly talked about it I let him know I wouldn’t bring it up again because it upset him but then he started joking about it here and there the next day.

I’m hoping I planted the seed for it to be something he’s interested in bc I really want it but I’m not going to bring it up again or push it.

Has this happened to anyone and their partner eventually came around to the idea? I’m hopeful but not sure he would ever be ok “sharing” me.

** I should’ve worded the post differently I guess but what I’m asking is if every single monogamous couple who has brought this up to their spouse is immediately met with acceptance for the idea? What does opening a monogamous relationship ACTUALLY look like?

I want to emphasize it’s not something I will bring up to him again

My wife (31F) and I (30M) have been married for seven years now and have two kids (6 + 4). We’ve known each other since 8th grade but didn’t date until our junior year of college.

Prior to us dating, I only had one girlfriend. However, we both worked in a church throughout HS so we never did anything sexually. We went to different colleges and broke up after our first semester of college because she found some else. I made a few attempts to date after that but unfortunately I missed Flirting 101 so it never really panned out.

My wife had a long time boyfriend throughout HS and dated a couple guys in college after they broke up. She had fooled around with them but never went as far as penetration. I had never even seen a girl naked. In real life anyway. Until we started dating and became sexually active our senior year. We got married the day after graduation, had two kids, and were each other’s only.

I had times of feeling like I missed out. Especially since my best friends in college definitely weren’t missing out on anything. My two male best friends both had slept with 20+ girls by sophomore year and my female friends had plenty of interesting stories. I never really shared these feelings but apparently the wife felt them too.

After our second kid, I resigned for my pastor job and we stopped being religious. Eventually she requested that we look into ENM. Wasn’t thrilled by the idea of dating seeing it went so great for me before, but she convinced me about how much I’ve changed. Anyway, we opened up near the end of 2021. Nothing changed much for a while but then she started going out on dates.

This wasn’t fun for me. At first, I just mopped around when she wasn’t here. Eventually, I tried to compete with the guys. (Really just one guy she was seeing regularly.) Started going to the gym and lost 40lbs. Put on some muscle. Upgraded my style. Got 4 ear piercings and some tattoos. Got a new haircut. Started experimenting with fragrances. I even got a more masculine job (firefighter) but none of that mattered tho. I was still alone multiple nights a week. Our sex life hadn’t disappeared but it didn’t ramp up after doing these things either. It was pretty much all the same.

Dating has gone about as well as it always has. I’ve gotten a few matches here and there but it always fizzles out. We live in a moderate sized city and don’t have any clubs or anything so just going out isn’t really a thing. I’ve rewritten my bio and changed my picks countless times. I’ve tried various intro messages from casually referring to their profile to curated jokes. At the most I’ll get a few messages back and forth and then ghosted again.

Currently, my wife and I have been fighting. I went to a bar with a friend. He and his wife are the last marriage I officiated and the only ones that know we are open. In a moment of drunken frustration, I didn’t think my wife loved me and that she settle for me since her ex before me cheated. And that’s why we are open. Ofc, this got back to my wife. I know he was concerned but his wife told mine what I said and now I have that to deal with. So now she’s either with her boyfriend/fwb or pissy at me.

Friend suggested marriage counseling but between the wife my mother and apps, I already have enough people telling me how disappointing I am.

Anyway, now I’m starting to sound like an incel or something. The kids are with grandparents and wife spends the first and third weekend with the other guy. So I’ve been home alone and drinking a bit. I don’t usually but I was off this weekend so figured who cares.

Question is, when does this whole thing get easier? I know I missed my prime and lack the skills to date so I’m not expecting much on that front. But the dynamic with the wife kinda sucks. Being alone all the time sucks. I got married so I wouldn’t have to do this anymore. Is there a point where this starts being fun? Or does everyone just convince themselves that it’s great because it’s more evolved to do so? Maybe it’s just a winners and losers game and I’m just not on the right team.

I’ve made several other posts on Reddit, so I’m sure you can look at those and see the gist. But basically, we have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We’ve got two kids and honestly, a really good life. He told me after a while when we first started dating, that he was into pegging, and I was a little weirded out by it, but it was whatever. Come to find out after our first child was born, he was really into cuckolding and hotwifing. I said no, because he was enough for me and I honestly could never imagine myself with somebody else. Over the years, he was consistently saying things about it, that he would really love to see me with somebody else and see me enjoy it. Eventually, I gave in. I know that that is absolutely not what I should have done, but I wanted to keep an open mind, and it was something that he really wanted, so I thought I could be able to try. Well, he was so turned on by it and it was such a consuming aspect of our sex life from that point forward. I did enjoy it at the time, but I did tell him that I do prefer just us and I like our sex life more when it’s normal.

It got so consuming, he would tell me on vacation that I could go sleep with random men if I wanted.. with our kids literally in the next room. I would tell him that I am not trying to have sex with somebody on vacation, I’m there to spend time with my family. Overtime, this just chipped away at our relationship and with my constant telling him that I prefer just us, but he would always send me pictures in dirty videos, and whatever that showed me that it was still what he preferred. Well, long story short I did sleep with somebody again several years ago and now he’s constantly checking my location, going through my phone in my computer multiple times a day and it is so exhausting. I slept with this guy for videos and pictures to pacify my husband, but there was one instance where I did have sex with him outside of our agreement simply because I wanted to have sex that was just about me and not having to go and relive the experience and have it be about his needs. It’s frustrating because he always says it’s about me, but he’s the one who enjoys it 10x more. And now the trust is broken, but for me I think the marriage has been over for a long time because we are sexually incompatible on that front.

I was going to tell him we needed a divorce the other night, but I chickened out. He’s an amazing person, father, and he has always been good to me outside of this.

I’m having so much regret for giving in to cuckolding and wish it was never brought up. I truly believe we would have been able to live happily ever after without it. I just feel so defeated and know I’m done, I just cant get the courage to break his heart.

Thanks for listening.

&#x200B;

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him. He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment. It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it and she said she would be down so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea. He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own. This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me. We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

link

My (40M) wife (43F) and I opened our marriage 3 months ago after having many casual chats about it over the last 11 years. Those early chats were about a MMF threesome or just creating a space for each of us to explore bisexual encounters. They have since morphed in to dating, flings, going with the flow etc. Well one day a few months ago we came to an agreement over breakfast. We both want everything on this new menu but we’ll start separately.

Fast forward to now, I had a one-time bi experience, and a few dates with 2 women, 1 of which is blossoming in to something with substance, though nothing sexual yet. My wife has hit it off with an acquaintance that we both know, he’s shy, very nice and respectful. He was so worried about talking with my wife that I had to explicitly tell him to please take her out and show her a nice time, whatever that looks like. They’ve had a couple of sexual encounters and a few dates.

A few things my wife either doesn’t like or just doesn’t do are important context here: giving head, receiving head, and kissing/making out. Takes a lot of foreplay out of the equation for us, which is problematic for me, I like those things and I like to get warmed up. More often than not over the last 7-8 years, when she “initiates”, our sex has basically been scenarios where she just takes off her clothes and gets in a position and frankly, I frequently lose my hard on or just can’t get there to even get started… it’s like I’m expected to be rock hard and ready to go with little to no stimulation. Further, she hasn’t put me in her mouth since forever, occasionally she lets me quickly lick her down there, and I also can’t remember the last kiss with tongue between us.

Now I am well aware that we are not sexually compatible. Unlike almost every other aspect of our relationship, it’s one area we never really gelled as we both lean submissive and just have different preferences, we don’t enjoy a lot of the same things. That’s all fine and a different problem that I’ve mostly accepted and we’ve talked it through a number of times, part of the reason we’re open. However, during my wife and her partner’s first sexual tryst, all of those things took place by her account. There was kissing, a brief exchange of head, and sex. I was certainly bothered but can also understand, it’s a new person, the first new person for her in 11 years, it’s exciting! I totally get it and was like “ok, not crazy about it but I certainly understand based on the context”. Then last week, she and her partner are texting and she was looking to me for help on wording “I want your c**k in my mouth” to something more subtle, to text to her partner. This kind of stings… I’ve felt for some time now, at least a few years that it’s quite possible, even likely, that my wife is no longer physically attracted to me anymore. I have felt unattractive to my wife for some time, and logically, it stands to reason that the reason she doesn’t want foreplay, kissing etc. is a direct result of us just being like best friends now, with no sexual spark, why would you kiss or do foreplay with someone you’re not attracted to? You’d probably just want to fuck and be done with it. While I am and always have been very attracted to my wife, it’s dwindling, perhaps feeling unattractive in her eyes makes me less attracted to her, if that makes sense? There have also been some things that have happened with her partner so far that I consider to be inconsiderate of me (timing of dates-short notice, she invited him to an event with our friends that I felt was weird, he came over very late recently and they just took forever and I just wanted to go to sleep and we didn’t sleep together that night-haven’t talked this one through yet but I’m pretty upset about it). For reference on my end, every date has had at least 3 days notice, I haven’t invited anyone in seeing to things I do with my wife or friends, and I feel that I genuinely consider my wife’s comfort during my planned dates, making sure she has something to do or is aware of my intentions for the evening.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than to pour my thoughts out and maybe someone has some great wisdom to help me work through it but… I’m left thinking about whether I can handle a domestic partner lifestyle, someone who is more a best friend than a wife/lover. Can I handle being with my wife if I can logically deduce that she is not physically attracted to me anymore? I can’t really prove that she isn’t but More Than Words is one of my favorite songs because, in this scenario, how would I know that she’s sexually attracted to me if I took those words away? In a way, being open has spotlighted a possibly fundamental flaw in our marriage, one that raises other questions and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to confront them. She’s my best friend, an amazing partner, I truly feel like she saved my life.

When we met, I was making $30g a year with no ambition to do better, I was out of shape, I was deeply insecure and ashamed of my sexuality. Now I am in the best shape of my life, people tell me I look like I’m in my early 30’s all the time, I have a legit career, I embrace my sexuality and look pretty damn good doing it. I’m taking control of my mental health and am proud of the caring, empathetic, communicative, confident, nurturing, and emotionally intelligent man I am today and I credit her with almost all of it.

A smaller issue with our relationship is money, always has been but nothing that has been a major issue. But I can’t stop my brain from considering, financially, would I be better off just going alone from here? Neither of us are great with money but she definitely spends more than I do. So in essence, I’m thinking about how I pay for at least 50% of the dresses, skirts, makeup, nail and hair appointments, tanning, shoes, and more for her to look good for other people… I know it sounds petty and like I’m an asshole… I’m out of steam on this, and again, I’m not even asking for help but I just wanted to put this here and hope someone can show me a different perspective. I feel better already just dumping this. Thanks to anyone who read this far!

My wife and I recently discussed opening our marriage. During our follow-up, a significant detail emerged that has me concerned.

She has a crush on a former coworker who recently confessed he has mutual feelings for her. She had talked with me about her feeling for him in the past and initially I had no reservations to her exploring this, until I learned he is married and not in an open relationship. Their marriage is reportedly "not in a great place," and he is not being transparent with his spouse.

My wife has always been vocally critical of cheating, maintaining that if you can’t be honest with your spouse it’s better to separate than go behind their backs. Seeing her turn a blind eye to this person’s lack of transparency is jarring. I’m worried she isn’t thinking this through, and I’m uncomfortable with our first experience in CNM involving a situation that isn't ethical.

I don’t want to micromanage who she sees, but this feels like a shaky foundation for opening up. Am I overthinking this, or is this a valid "red flag" for starting CNM?

My gf (26F) and I (31M) have had a very sexually open relationship since the beginning. We met talking about kinks and we’ve always been extremely honest with each other. We’ve done swinging with couples, played with single men, single women, and most experiences have been positive. Our sex life as a couple is great and we have a strong connection.

Recently we met up with another couple and the experience wasn’t good for her (she didn’t like the guy and felt uncomfortable). After that, she told me she felt a lot of jealousy seeing me giving affection and attention to the other woman. It’s not fear of losing me or me falling in love, but a strong discomfort just from seeing the act itself. She said she never wants me to be with other women again.

However, she still wants to continue seeing other men. I can understand her jealousy and I’m okay with foi sing only on men, because that’s actually the dynamic that turns me on the most. The problem isn’t that I’m desperate to be with women all the time. What’s bothering me is the permanent ban and the asymmetry of the situation.

I feel frustrated, a bit trapped, and unfairly treated. It feels like the rule only applies to my side. If the roles were reversed (me feeling jealous and forbidding her from seeing other men), I’m almost sure it wouldn’t be accepted so easily.

Has anyone been through something similar? How do you deal with asymmetrical jealousy in non-monogamy? Is it normal to feel this way even though I actually prefer the dynamic with men? I’m worried that if I just swallow this, resentment will build up later.

Thanks for reading.