u/Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dodongoqueen

I [24/F] was placed for adoption when I was a few weeks old. My birth mom's attourney contacted me saying my birth mom wants to meet me. But I don't want to meet her. Help!

Original Post Apr 6, 2015

I guess there's not much more to say.

Basically my parents adopted me when I was 3 or 4 weeks old. I don't know much about my bio mom other than I think the story is she was a teenage mom. I know nothing about my bio father.

I've never really been curious or had a desire to know the story or my bio parents either. The fact of the matter is my adopted parents are my REAL parents. They've raised me almost my whole life and half the time everyone, including me, forgets I'm adopted.

I'm now happily married and have a good start to my career. Recently an attourney representing my birth mother contacted me, saying my birth mother very much wants to meet me.

Reddit, while I'm grateful to my birth mother for placing me for adoption and for giving me the best set of parents and brothers (my adopted parents biological children) in the world, I am not very interested in meeting her.

I have no animosity towards her at all, as I said I am so greatful she gave me the best shot at life possible, but she is a stranger to me and I feel no pull, tie or even curiosity about her. I'm happy with my life and my family and this just seems like it would disturb that or throw it out of balance somehow.

Am I a horrible person for not wanting to meet my birth mom? I'm feeling really down about it. My husband supports me either way but he loves me like crazy and isn't the best for unbiased opinions. Neither my parents or my brothers know about this, just my husband, because I really don't want to involve them unless absolutely necessary.

And what should I say to my birth mom's attourney to make the rejection and let down as kind and easy as possible on my birth mom? I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to meet her.

TL;DR My birth mom placed me for adoption when I was only a few weeks old. I have a kick ass family. 24 years later my birth mom's attourney contacts me saying my birth mom wants to meet me. I have zero desire to see her. Is there a way to let her down easy or would I be a horrible person to pass this up?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bladedada

>I am no expert on the subject, but to me, it seems like your choice. She's extended the invitation, and you have every right to decline. No is a full sentence. You have every right to just respond and say no thank you. IF you want to do something about it, maybe take some time to write up a little "bio." A little essay about your childhood, your life, your husband, etc. The lawyer can give it to your birth mom. It might help her curiosity and assuage any guilt she has. I think that's a fair compromise. Since you have no ill will toward your birth mom, it doesn't seem like too much. Good luck!

OOP

>> Hmmm, that's definitely something to consider for sure. I asked her attourney if I could please have some time to think about it and he said to take all the time I need. >> >> This might definitely be the perfect compromise for both of us

~

whemifeellikeit

> Well, knowing who your birth mother is doesn't necessarily equal getting to know her or having a relationship with her. You don't have to want that. > > You don't have to want anything at all, and you're well within your rights to let the lawyer know this. > > Consider that it may be valuable in the future to at least know who and where she is, though. I mainly consider these things because genetic heritage is something valuable to know in cases of health/medical matters, and also because your children may care to know this information or what your ancestry can tell them in the future. Knowing where you came from can help in unforeseen ways sometimes. > > So if you feel inclined, perhaps write a letter to the attorney asking to know your mother's name and location and contact information, but write another letter for the attorney to forward to your birth mother saying that at this time, you're not ready for a meeting or a relationship with her. Say what you've said here, that you are very happy with your life, that you had a great childhood with a loving family, that you have a promising career ahead of you, and that you have a husband who loves you deeply and you him. That may be all she really wants to know... just how the baby she gave up turned out. Did she make the right choice? You may give her a lot of peace of mind if you just reach out with a letter this way.
> > Then, at some point in the future, you might have a change of heart or might want to pass the information down to your own children so that they can pursue it on their own.
> >Just some things to consider.

OOP

>>This was really good advice thank you. Hey, if it gives her peace of mind for her to know I had a fantastic life and a bright future ahead then that seems like the least I can do for the head start she gave me.

EDIT* Wow guys I can't believe all the responses! I log on and my inbox is overflowing! While I don't agree with all the responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. I'm still in the process of making up my mind but I think I know the route I'm going to take. I will give an update when something happens. Thank you again everyone!

Update - rareddit Apr 18, 2015

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded first of all. I took time to read all your comments and really think through them. Shout out also to my husband who has been my rock and confidant in all of this. For anyone who didn't read, this is the original post

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/31p3pd/i_24f_was_placed_for_adoption_when_i_was_a_few/

I just wanted to give a quick update and let everyone know what happened.

I decided to write a little bio about myself. I gave a brief synopsis of my childhood, my parents and my brothers. I wrote about my college major, my degree, my career, my husband and my plans and goals as well as some hobbies I like to do. I also included a few photos of me, my husband and my family. I also briefly thanked her for giving me a chance for a wonderful life and that I was very happy.

I sent everything to her lawyer and conveyed to him to tell my birth mom that I had thought long and hard about it and I'm just not ready for a meeting or any kind of relationship at this point in time but that I wanted her to have some takeaway. I also asked that if she had any relevant medical history on her side of the family or if she knew about any health issues my bio dad faced to please let me know as my husband and I plan on trying to start a family in the near future.

Her lawyer got back to me yesterday and said my birth mom was dissapointed about not being able to meet me but she was thrilled and greatful for the bio and pictures I had provided her and it was clear I had been raised well. And that she also wanted to tell me there were no major health issues in her family and to the best of her knowledge none for my birth father, but if anything came up, could she please contact me in the future?

I responded that he (the lawyer) is free to reach out to me at anytime if she has any relevant information in the future. I purposely said this because I don't want my bio mom just calling me out of the blue one day and possibly trying to harass me into having a relationship. I would rather do everything through a legal third party.

I reiterated again I don't want a relationship currently but I might be open to it someday (I doubt it) and they were free to keep my contact information and I would keep thiers just in case. Why burn bridges unnecessarily?

He thanked me and that was the end of that. I'm happy with my decision, glad I could give my birth mom some closure that she made the right choice and happy to be starting my life with my career and husband.

I know this isn't really the typical juicy stuff Reddit likes but it is what is and I just wanted to let all the people who took thier time to help me how it turned out. Thanks again!

TL;DR Gave birth mom a brief bio about me and some pictures. Found out that to the best of her knowledge there are no major medical problems. Keeping lines of communication open in case I ever change my mind about meeting her even though I doubt I will. All's well that ends well

EDIT: For some grammar and also I forgot to mention I told my parents and brothers about my birth mom contacting me, and telling them that I did not want to meet her but I did want to give her a quick blog about my life. I was worried my family would be hurt or not take it well, but nothing could be further from the truth. They were all super supportive and said they had my back no matter what decision I made and that they would love me no matter what. They are very proud and happy for the choice I made here. I am so greatful to have such an amazing family, I really am blessed.

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/KidBrokeMyGlasses

My [30F] sister-in-law's [36F] autistic son [8M] broke my glasses, and I don't know how to ask that she pay for them without sounding like a dick.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Exploitation and ableism!<

Original Post Dec 20, 2015

So a quick backstory: I've been with my husband for four years and I love him dearly. His family can be...interesting. They're really snippy with each other and they fight a lot. My sister-in-law is not always the nicest person, but I think a lot of it is because she has 5 children, she works, and her husband doesn't help her much, so she's always tired. Also, I make less than $30,000 a year and don't have the best health insurance, but I depend on my glasses because my vision is so bad, so I always invest in them. I just got this pair of glasses last month and spend about $400 on them.

So the problem: one of my nephews is severely autistic. He is not verbal, he still wears diapers, and he can be prone to fits of rage and frustration. I am not the best with children, either, which compounds the problem with me. However, he has recently been enrolled in a special needs school that seems to be helping him, and I've learned how to understand him somewhat.

We are visiting for Christmas, and just last night, the autistic nephew crawled in my lap and started grabbing at my face. This is how he gets people's attention, and you're supposed to hold his shoulders to show you're listening/paying attention. But before I could reach down and grab his shoulders, he yanked my glasses off in his hands and cracked the frames right in half. I mean, he squeezed them in half in his hands, and the bridge snapped.

Here's what gets me. I didn't grab his shoulders then because I was so shocked, so he started squealing and get frustrated. And his mother, who had been sitting across from me the entire time watching, asked "What the hell is your problem?" and took him off my lap. I told her my problem was that I couldn't see, and she just grunted "You have an extra pair" and walked away.

I know it's totally fair to expect her to pay for the glasses, especially since I need a new pair every year (and my extra pair will work, it's just a degree or two lower than my current one). I cannot afford another $400 pair of glasses now. And I think it's pretty shitty that I'm getting blamed for her kid breaking my stuff. But he is special needs, and she is stretched so thin financially and emotionally, so I have a hard time figuring out how to ask her to pay for them. I'm honestly afraid that if I ask for the money, she'll take it out on my husband, or my husband and I won't be invited back for the holidays. As difficult as his family can be, they are still his family and he loves them (and so do I).

So what's the best way to ask without burning all of our bridges? Or should I just suck it up and pay for them myself?

tl;dr: Cranky, stretched-thin SIL's autistic nephew broke my new glasses. Not quite sure how to request that she pay for a new pair (or if I even should) without sounding like an asshole.

ETA: Fucking hell, RIP my inbox. I'll try to respond!

ETA 2: One lens is totally broken, the other is scratched beyond repair. I'm sorry. I should have said that. I don't think I was very clear with my eye doctor when I called because I was in a panic, so I will try calling again.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When told her husband should talk to his own sister

>Huh, maybe. I guess I just figured they're my glasses, so I assumed I should do it. But it is his family.

isnt_that_special

>> I agree that your husband should ask. I also have an autistic son (but I would be mortified and would've bought you a new pair of glasses ASAP!) >> >> 1) been married almost 10 years and the "your circus, your monkeys" method works great in handling in-law craziness. >> >> 2) while I absolutely love my sister in law, hearing that I acted inappropriately would be much easier to take from my brother.

OOP

>>>This is a good point, thank you.

OOP Added in the comments about the SIL

>I will point out that people do watch her kids, all five of them. I watch them when we're in town sometimes so both parents can go out. SIL has apparently been this cranky and shitty for her entire adult life, even before having children, and I don't agree with the decision to keep having kids not because you want them, but because you just don't want to do birth control, then you get frustrated when you get pregnant again. But they're her choices to make, and I do think she is stretched thin.

Update Dec 23, 2015 (3 days later)

First I want to thank everybody for their input and their perspectives. You were all very helpful. I want to give a special thank you to the people with children with disabilities who mentioned their own experiences and explained that even though their children have special needs, they as parents are still responsible for what they break, and yes, parents can use their child's disability as a way to shrug off responsibility. I needed to hear that. Thank you.

Next I want to explain a little about why I can't just buy glasses online and feel safe, and I hope I don't sound condescending. My better eye is -9.50, my other eye is -14.00, and I have astigmatism. I will probably be legally blind in the one eye within the next decade because it is getting so bad so quickly. In other words, my eyes are almost worthless without correction. I need my glasses to be perfect, so I trust experts to handle the issue for me. There was even a time when they called me and said they had to send the new glasses back because they got them, checked them, and noticed they were off. I drive, cook, handle heavy equipment, and sometimes watch children, so I need my vision to be spot on. I truly appreciate the recommendations for websites, but from my personal experiences and from what experts have told me, it is not a good idea for somebody with eyes like mine.

I contacted the eye doctor again this morning and asked about my glasses. They confirmed that I would have to pay for the new lenses, but my frames were under warranty. They'll give me 25% off the lenses I had before and will also order up a second pair in discontinued frames and with more basic lenses (no transition, lower high index level, so on) for emergencies, and I would have the second pair for free. I think that's very generous.

Today, my husband spoke to his sister. He told her that Andrew broke my brand new glasses, and because Andrew is her child, she is responsible for the damage, just as she would be if one of the other kids broke a neighbor's window. He said he realized she doesn't really care about my broken glasses and she assumed my older pair is "just as good." He told her that's not how it works, I am blind without them, and I need the most up to date prescription to see properly and not get headaches. SIL said it wasn't her fault because Andrew is autistic, and my husband got upset and told her she can't keep using that excuse every time Andrew breaks something. He also pointed out that we've heard from other parents who said they would pay for any damage their autistic child caused (thanks, Reddit!) and she got super pissed that he'd mentioned it to somebody else. She kept repeating that it wasn't her fault I was "careless," and then she claimed I just don't like her kids and I never help out anyway.

That is ridiculous. While I do not live very close to my SIL I help her when I am in town every other month or so. I watch her five children several days a week. That includes her autistic son Andrew, who needs diapers changed, will scream for hours on end, rewatches the same loud part of a movie over and over and over until he's distracted with something else, sometimes has to be coerced under a therapy blanket, and so on. I love him and he clearly loves me. He has even developed a home sign for me, and the other kids call me Noni. I am not asking for a medal or martyrdom, I am simply pointing out that I do try to help her with these kids and I treat them all very well.

At that point, my husband was really frustrated and asked my SIL what she thought was fair. SIL said I should buy my own fucking glasses for my stupid eyes (her words) and just take them off when I'm around her kids. I'd already told my husband that I was not okay with this option because it hurts to try and function without my glasses, and because autistic children usually don't like change and Andrew views my glasses as part of my face. He has never seen me without them except for the time he broke them. He also told her the kids will no longer be allowed to sit in my lap, I will have them sit beside me instead when they want read to or want to share a plate of food. My husband repeated that she was responsible, then made her the offer that I had suggested: she could pay for half (so $150 after the 25% discount) and she could do it in installments if that was easier. He told her this was me being generous and that if it were him, he'd require the full amount. SIL said she had the money but didn't want to pay me because I'm a four eyed lying bitch who doesn't need my glasses as much as I say I do, my husband told her tough shit, and now I'm sitting here with an envelope with three fifties in it.

We are staying with my mother in law, who came in an hour ago and mentioned that SIL called her in a huff and insisted I'll never be "allowed" to watch her kids again. Husband and I just looked at each other and knew that threat wasn't going to hold firm, and sure enough, husband just got a text asking if we can watch the kids for a few hours on Monday. She's not talking to me and will probably be cold on Christmas, but I get the feeling she'll get over it.

TL;DR: Husband talked with his sister and told her she is responsible for the glasses her son broke, offered to have her pay half in installments. She has denied responsibility for her son's behavior and is pissed at me, but has paid half. I will be getting a new pair after Christmas plus a free back-up pair for emergencies. Thank you for your advice.

FINAL COMMENTS

oh_boisterous

>Wow. You're seriously doing her the favor of watching her kids after how she treated you? I can't believe she has the balls to talk shit about you, yet still ask for favors. Wow.

OOP

>>If I do watch her kids, it will be as a favor to the children and to my MIL. MIL has the kids dumped on her all the time. Most of the kids like being with me because they get to do crafts and read books and I let them play video games for an hour. For now I'm not saying yes. I'm too hurt, to be honest.

[deleted]

> Does she actually expect you to watch her kids after she called you names and said you never help out? > > I'd recommend not doing anything for her until she apologizes, which in this case will be when pigs start flying. > > I'm glad you got the money!

OOP

>>Apparently, but she asked my husband instead, of course.

[deleted]

>>> And you two are a team. She can't have her cake and eat it to. >>> >>> If you were my wife, I'd tell the sister to go pound sand.

OOP

>>>>He told her we'd watch the kids when a Christmas miracle made the blind see, including his four eyed lying bitch of a wife.

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kisekikumo

Me [20/F] with fellow classmate/student [25/M], how to tell him to back off when all other attempts have failed? Potential stalker?

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalker, harassment!<

Original Post - rareddit March 18, 2016

So I help out a teacher friend of mine (34F) in some of her classes. She used to teach me in the beginning but some years on, now I help other students in her classes so they can practice their work.

This one student of hers (25M) suddenly became overly attached to me. Always making a point of saying hello to me at the start of every class (he doesn't do this to anybody else, even the teacher), placing his hand on my back when I'm stood next to him or turned away from him, making a point of saying goodbye to me (as above), asking for personal details and contact info, following me out of class when he should be going in the opposite direction and just general looks in my direction that creep me out.

This started maybe three weeks into the course (one lesson a week). I haven't ever given him extra attention over the other students, made any attempt to be anything more than an assistant to the teacher, or gave him any reason to think that what he is doing is solicited.

I thought initially I was making a mountain out of a molehill so tried to nip it in the bud. I told him I'm not okay with him entering my personal space to touch me and that I'm here to answer any questions he has related to the work but nothing else. He apologised but the week after, all creepy vibes intensified and he started to make me jump by creeping up behind me on purpose when he says hello. He'd still touch me on my back but rather it being an attempt at an endearing pat or whatever, he would leave his hand there until I moved away (which I am very quick to do so but I know he would leave his hand there longer if I allowed it.) I've said "please don't touch me" countless times by now.

Speaking to the teacher, she looks out for me like a mum would. She said I no longer had to help him in class and she also told him that he shouldn't touch me at all. Other students in the class who noticed I looked rather creeped out (22F and 24M) have also gone out of their way to position themselves in between us when he has moved to sneak up on me. Speaking to them, one of whom also takes another separate class with him, they confirmed his behaviour is exclusively towards me.

So I stopped helping him and regrettably that had to include people who sat near him for fear he would try to start a conversation with me. A few weeks of realising I was completely blanking him and he starts to follow me out of class. I know he has to catch a bus which has its stop in the completely opposite direction from overhearing conversation with other students in class. It's dark when the class is finished and I have to walk a little bit to get to the car. This guy is 6'4 and easily twice my weight (and I'm rather chubby to begin with) so it naturally worries me.

He wouldn't say anything to me when he followed me until two weeks ago. He asked to have my email address for help with an upcoming test. I made up an excuse, saying I didn't have time and that the teacher already sent it out (thankfully she hadn't). I told him clearly that I didn't want to speak with him and that he should leave me alone like I've asked and like he's been told before marching away from him.

Last week, he was behind me in the queue for coffee in the student union. The barista (22M) and I were having our usual weekly flirty banter that we have when I grab a drink to take to class. He did not like this one bit and interrupted our conversation to ask me more about the test, whether I wanted to sit down with him to talk it over in the 15 minutes we had until class started. I said no and gave the barista a look.

At the counter waiting for our drinks, they came at the same time and after I'd picked mine up, he put his hand on my back again and tried to lead me over to a nearby table. I literally squirmed away and to the side, taking my phone out and pretending to text someone awkwardly because I didn't know how to deal with it and I'm not one to cause a scene. My wonderful barista saw the whole thing and came over and outright told him to back off because it was clear I was really uncomfortable. I hadn't told the barista about this guy, so maybe his creepiness is more obvious than I thought?

He walks off, presumably to class where I follow after explaining the situation to the barista for a couple of minutes. Unfortunately the coffee shop is closed when class finishes, so it's not like I can wait there for a bit before going to the car.

He doesn't speak to me in class, not even the usual hello or goodbye, but he still follows me halfway to my car on the way out in silence.

Class took a break this week and I'm really at a loss for what to do in time for next week. I enjoy helping out, the other students are fine and I don't see the point in having to give it up because I'll feel like this guy has won.

Why is he doing what he's doing? Could what he's doing be considered stalking? Should I talk to the department that runs the course about his behaviour? Should I talk to the authorities? Or am I really making something out of nothing here? I really don't know what to do, any advice to help me put an end to this once and for all would be most appreciated.

tl;dr: Student I help regularly makes unwanted physical contact, follows me to my car often etc. Has ignored all warnings from multiple people to leave me alone. What can I do to stop this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cinnamonteaparty

> I generally don't comment on this board but from one internet stranger to another, I'm worried about you and your safety. He is obviously stalking you and will probably escalate his behavior. Start documenting everything. Dates, times, types of behavior that he has shown towards you. Document, document, document and give this to campus security, the dean of students and the local pd. From my experience, campus pd and dean of students can't do anything unless there are documented complaints about the person. > > Immediately talk to your uni's campus security, dean of students and the local pd. Both you and your teacher friend and others have explicitly told him to leave you alone and he obviously does not/has not/will not get the message that you want nothing to do with him. > > Because you're worried about him following you after class, I'd suggest asking if campus security can provide you with an escort to your car. I believe most uni's have in place an escort service that students, faculty and staff can take advantage of in order to ensure their community's safety. Otherwise, maybe offer to give one of the more level-headed students a ride home so you won't be alone. > > I'd also suggest speaking with local pd (to see what your options are) and even installing some safety apps on your phone. I believe there are some that will send SOS messages when triggered (such as Rave Guardian) or even just having a friend notify authorities if they don't hear back from you after a certain amount of time after the class ends. > > Depending on state laws, you may also want to think about getting something like pepper spray or any other safety gear (even something as little as a whistle) as a last resort to protect yourself. > > Good luck and hopefully if there's an update, it'll be positive.

OOP

>> I'll definitely start documenting this stuff. I hadn't even thought of doing that before... I text my teacher friend quite a bit so I can pull all the ones concerning him from past weeks and add to it. >> >> I'll try and set up a meeting with them and I can show it to them. I'm sure there must be plenty of CCTV cameras on my route so I guess I could also ask whether they still have the footage from the street and in the coffee shop.

When told next time make a scene and get others to notice

>I hadn't actually thought of it in that way. I didn't want to be further embarrassed and I thought it could only agitate him a bit more. Even when the barista called him out quite harshly on it, it didn't seem to faze him and he still carried on. But I'll definitely try it when I know I'll have witnesses.

Update - rareddit Apr 12, 2016 (4 weeks later)

So, some people weighed in with their advice and ideas. But the general consensus was that this guy is indeed a stalker so I should be escalating my attempts in trying to get rid of him by going to the relevant authorities.

Since my post, I arranged an appointment with the department that runs the course first thing on Monday. My teacher had relayed her concerns but it seemed the head of department wasn’t taking things too seriously so far. A police community support officer was also present, along with the teacher and the four of us went over to campus security to get CCTV footage of my route from class. They only kept two weeks worth of footage locally, the rest goes off to a separate security firm to archive so they could only get that one week of him following me in silence. The film was pretty dark but it’s hard to mistake this tall, obese guy following me.

They put in a request for more footage and in the meantime we went to the coffee shop in the student union. The barista, figuring it would be needed, had already made a copy of the incident that happened there (where he tried to physically get me to sit down with him) and also gave his input on the situation to the head of dept. and PCSO. Watching that back, it gave the department reason enough to make the decision to ask him to leave the course without refund.

That was going to happen in a separate meeting the very next day. The teacher was present in that meeting so she let me in on what happened. Apparently this guy didn’t deny his actions outright but really didn’t engage with the questions he was being asked either. He didn’t object to being kicked off the course and he didn’t get angry or anything like that which to me comes off as even creepier. He’s been told to stay away from me and not go near the building when class is being held, but as for other areas on campus, I’ve been told by the PCSO that it’s hard to enforce any kind of restraining order in that respect.

I spoke to the student union. They actually upgraded my parking permit so I could park next to the building where class is being held so I can get in my car as everybody is leaving, walking past and able to see me. It’s also much better lit so I feel much safer while the days are still short. I bought a personal alarm and also have dug out a pair of boots with heels I suspect will be very painful should I stamp on someone or kick them where it’ll hurt. But I can still run pretty quickly in them so I’ve been wearing them around campus. Despite this, I don’t feel scared when I’m on campus or anywhere else. I’m very aware of my surroundings and I’m naturally wary anyway and I don’t feel like I should be afraid to go out in my own city.

For the rest of the week I didn’t see the creep either but I’m not naive enough in thinking he might just drop it all after one meeting. Going back to the coffee shop in student union there have been sightings of him but he doesn’t buy drinks from there any more. And on a much nicer note, the barista has asked me out after months of back-and-forth flirting. He said that maybe we should wait a couple of weeks until things had died down, to which I said that I shouldn’t let this whole thing get in the way of my social life. We’ve found we have a mutual friend so instead he suggested that she come along and kind of ‘chaperone’ us to put me at ease and in turn put himself at ease too. That weekend, we all went to the cinema and then for dinner and I had a great time. There was no pressure from him whatsoever and he said upfront this could be the premise to see whether we should go on further ‘proper’ dates so neither of us felt obliged.

First class without creep went very well. I think the whole atmosphere has improved for everyone and I can get on with things without having to watch my back. I went straight to my car with someone from class on their way to the train station. The one that also knew him from a different class who has told me his behaviour in other lectures hasn’t been out of the ordinary for him. He seems like kind of a loner. We didn’t see him around and neither did any of the other students upon checking in a group chat we’ve set up. I text my teacher when I get home to confirm I’ve made it back safely.

After all of this, I sometimes feel like I didn’t do enough to prevent something like this from happening in the first place even though I’m always aware of who’s around me and I keep a sharp eye on my belongings and never walk with my phone in hand, especially at night. I think that’ll still take a little while to get over. I never dress in anything revealing (not that that’s any excuse to harass and stalk somebody), and I wouldn’t exactly say I’m that pretty either so initially I didn’t feel like I could command that kind of attention from somebody. And I think that’s why, judging from the things the head of department and PCSO said and especially the way they looked at me, they didn’t really believe someone had gone full stalker on me. But I got a call back from the head of department today to say that they had watched the rest of the CCTV footage through. They’ve informed all of his professors on his main course so that they can watch out for and report any further creepy behaviour of his and that someone over at adult safeguarding had been informed.

But if the creep ever approaches me again I’ll call the police. He’s had enough warning from people in authority now that he can’t say that I didn’t make it clear enough I don’t want him around me so I know I’ll have a pretty solid case if it ever comes to it. And hopefully it won’t.

In the past couple of weeks, I've seen the creep around campus once or twice. I always text somebody when I do, but I make like I'm ignoring him and still so far he hasn't approached me. I’m getting on with things and I haven't let this get to me, past what it already has done. I went on more dates, and now I can say I have a lovely and protective boyfriend who looks out for me too. He's a real gentleman and I don't know how long it would have taken either of us to ask the other out if this incident hadn't happened. It was a real push in the right direction for both of us and I feel we're more confident because of it.

Thankyou to everybody that commented last time with their opinions and advice! I didn't expect to get as many as I did but I still read and considered everything.

TL;DR: Spoke to head of dept. who pulled him off course and told never to approach me again. Allowed to park next to class building where it’s much better lit. Have the support of my class, teacher and barista-turned-boyfriend. Pleased with outcome so far, but still wary and will go straight to police if there’s ever a next time.

EDIT: I know a lot of people have/will recommend the possession of pepper spray etc, but it's not legal in the UK no matter how much safer I would feel with some. Thankyou for your concern.

FINAL COMMENTS

HelpMyBabySleep

> I read something recently and I think it applies here. As a woman, you get really mixed messages about your safety. On the one hand, you're told your entire life that the world is full of bad men who want to hurt you. The world is full of bad men, don't talk to strangers. The world is full of bad men, don't go out alone after dark. The world is full of bad men, watch your drink. The world is full of bad men, dont dress too sexy. But if ever you turn around and say, "Hey, you're right, the world is full of bad men and I think this might be one," suddenly the world changes its mind. Are you sure you're not just misunderstanding? He seems like a nice man. He's trying to be romantic. Maybe you are not clear when talking to him. Maybe he's just got bad social skills. You must be sending him some signals. Were you too friendly? What were you wearing? You don't want to ruin his life over nothing. You should be more polite. > > So the world sends young women very mixed messages (watch out for bad men, but not too hard) and nobody can blame you for feeling unsure about how to deal with a situation like this. You did good!

OOP

>>Yes! I really think this sums up my experience with the relevant authorities during it all. I always had a sense of this, but it still hit me rather hard in the past couple of weeks.

~

Ethelfleda

>Great update. And honey, of course you feel like you should have done something sooner but you did what you did based on the experience and backup you had. You hadn't had to deal with this before so this was a learning experience. You did good. Please be kind to yourself and share your experiences with your friends so they can hopefully learn from your experience. Good luck!

OOP

>>Completely new. I guess I needed just that little bit of validation. And I definitely didn't think to see it this way before, it's been a learning experience for sure - thankyou!

Eidtors Note: OOP has posted on the account since, but no mentions of this experience

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How should I [36f] react to husband [40m] suddenly Zoom-calling with his ex

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post July 31, 2020

Background: He and I have been together about 15 years. Lately I feel like we've been growing apart. Nothing major, I just feel like he kind of forgets I exist. He's always working and I'm not really a priority to him, and now with the covid since we're at home together all the time he feels like we do spend time together even though it's mostly watching TV at night or eating lunch over the sink together. This is not the first time I have sensed this distance between us.

Current issue: My husband has remained good friends with his ex-gf for probably 20 years, before my time. I am not a huge fan of their friendship, but he insists on keeping it so I just usually let it go because he doesn't listen or respect my opinion, anyway. She's married and lives far away, so as far as I'm aware they only interact on social media every now and then.

Today at lunch he told me that he was jumping on a Zoom call with her. As far as I know, this is the first time they've spoken face-to-face since they broke up 20 years ago. He has now been in this zoom call for two hours and counting. Apparently she also has this online conference thing she's hosting tonight and he told me he's gonna tune into that, too.

I also found out that she had a conference the night before last. That night he was in his home office working really late, but now I wonder if he "attended" that conference, too, without telling me. I feel like I should talk to him about how I feel but am I overreacting?

At lunch when he told me about today's Zoom call, he asked if it was okay with me in kind of an annoyed tone, and I almost laughed out loud. Instead I just shrugged and asked if what i thought even mattered. We both knew that he'd do whatever he wanted whether i was okay with it or not. I know if I broach the subject I'll just look like the tiresome jealous wife but am I justified here? I really can't tell anymore.

tl;dr Husband is on zoom call with his ex. I'm not a big fan of this and am unsure of whether I should even be upset about it. How should I react? Should I just let it go?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cruyff8

> "Nothing major, I just feel like he kind of forgets I exist" > > This is never a good sign. > > "My husband has remained good friends with his ex-gf for probably 20 years" > > I'm on speaking terms with most of my exes too, so far I don't see anything wrong with it. > > "without telling me." > > Beginning to see the problem here. It does read like a business thing. Is said ex in sales or something similar to that where she would be having regular online webinars? > > Would you feel more comfortable if you were invited to sit in on the web conference as well? > > "Should I just let it go?" > > Not necessarily. If it's a sales call, the objective is to get as many people to hear the pitch as possible. Therefore it could be useful to her to have you sit in as well. If it's a regularly-scheduled catch-up call with old friends, you may be bored, but it won't cause any harm to the conversation to have you in the room.

OOP

>> It's definitely not a sales call or anything business related. They are in totally unrelated fields. "Conference" sounds businessy but it's like a livestream with a few different people, but I know he's watching it tonight because she's in it. >> >> You have some good ideas but I know he would never let me sit in on a call and honestly I'd feel really weird doing that, too.

cruyff8

>>> "I know he would never let me sit in on a call' >>> >>> Is this from experience or projection? >>> >>> "I'd feel really weird doing that, too." >>> >>> You could say you were lonely and think that it would be nice if you heard more voices other than his and the one between your ears. Further assure him that it will make you a better wife if you're state of general happiness is increased.

OOP

>>>>I just know him and he would laugh in my face. He is extremely particular about his privacy.

~

alexvsclarity

>I think you’re entitled to feeling this way. Marriage, at least in my life is an honest partnership. Maybe you can try and address the distance more and express to him that you’re kind of feeling like you’re feelings and opinions do not matter. The best thing you could do for your marriage and mainly yourself is speak to your husband about how you’re feeling. If he’s not willing to listen to accept your feelings then maybe you both will have to address a larger issue. 💕.

OOP

>>You are right. I guess I just need to talk to him. We both hate confronting issues because nothing ever changes. I know I need to talk to him, though.

OOP added how she knows the affair isn't physical

>She lives hundreds of miles away, anyway. I at least know that if anything is happening it's not physical yet.

Update - rareddit Aug 7, 2020 (1 week later)

Just wanted to let everyone know that my husband was in fact cheating on me. He's been having an emotional affair with his ex that's stretched over years.

He confessed the day after I posted the original. We are now headed toward divorce after 15 good (well, I thought so, anyway) years together.

Trust your intuition.

And to everyone who told me I was just not being "confident enough" or that I was being "jealous," please go fuck yourselves. Thank you.

Edit: Thank you everyone for being so nice. It means so much. To answer a few questions...

• he loves her and has said repeatedly that if forced to choose he will choose her, so no, no reconciliation on the horizon

• emotional affair = no physical contact but an intimate emotional involvement with romantic intentions

• Yeah, I messaged the ex's husband with all the details but I'm not sure if it got caught in his spam filter or not and he read it. Apparently he is fine with it because they are not splitting up

• She told my husband a couple weeks ago she also had longtime feelings for him and after that they were sexting, so it did have a sexual element

• they've been online pals in regular contact for at least 7 years, and he always refused to stop talking to her

FINAL COMMENTS

turnturnburn 5905

> There's no way this won't taint your memories of your relationship, the good and the bad. But don't forget, you are the person you are today because of those experiences so if you ever start to doubt yourself or feel like you've "wasted" that time, remember he's the one that wasted it. You get to walk away from this knowing you chose to care for yourself..and he's always going to know that he fucked up and that you know the real him. > > Keep your head high. It sucks, but you got this!

OOP

>>Thanks, that helps because I have been thinking I kind of wasted that time, but I like what you said here.

~

xosomeblonde

>I'm sorry you're going through this, but good for you trusting your gut and getting out of this relationship! You deserve so much better!

OOP

>>Thank you. I am scared of what's next but I also feel stronger each day.

Witoothewhite

>>> I guess it could feel super cliche at this point, but there is great insight what Dolores said in Westworld: >>> >>> The pain, their loss... it's all I have left of them. You think the grief will make you smaller inside, like your heart will collapse in on itself, but it doesn't. I feel spaces opening up inside of me, like a building with rooms I've never explored. >>> >>> Good luck girl, there's a brand new life waiting for you.

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my coworker has been heating up fish in the office microwave every day and just asked me to "keep it down" while he eats

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Apr 15, 2026

I need to talk about this because nobody in my office will and I think I'm going insane.

I work at a tech company in Shenzhen. I'm not Chinese. I moved here for the job. I don't fully understand everything that happens in this office and I've accepted that. Sometimes there are cultural things I just don't get and that's fine. This is not one of those things. I am confident this is not a cultural thing. I think this is just one guy.

There's a guy on my floor. I'll call him Dale because his English name is Dale and I don't care anymore. Dale started here in October. Seemed normal at first. Quiet. Wore those slim fit dress pants everybody wears here. Had a little desk plant. Fine.

In November Dale started bringing fish for lunch. Not like from the canteen downstairs where they have an actual kitchen and like eight options. His own fish. In a container. Microwaved. Every. Single. Day. The microwave is not in a break room. The microwave is on a little table in the open office right between his desk and mine. We have a canteen. We have a FULL CANTEEN with real food made by real cooks on the first floor and this man brings tilapia from home in a glass container and microwaves it at his desk. I can hear the turntable spinning. He stands next to it and watches it rotate the entire time. Just stands there. Looking at his fish spin.

The smell is unreal. I'm not going to describe it because you already know. You know exactly what microwaved tilapia in a shared space smells like. It's that. But in Shenzhen. In the humidity. It lingers.

I mentioned it to him once in like November. My Mandarin is okay not great so I kept it simple. I said hey Dale do you think maybe you could heat that up in the canteen kitchen. He looked confused. He said "but the microwave is right here." I thought maybe I said it wrong so I asked a colleague to translate just in case. She told him exactly what I said. He looked at her and then back at me and said in English "yes but the microwave is right here." He understood me the first time. He just couldn't process why anyone would walk downstairs when there's a microwave right here.

It got worse in December because he started bringing a SIDE. The side is broccoli. Also microwaved. So now we have fish AND broccoli in a small open office area and I know Chinese offices can sometimes have strong lunch smells I KNOW THAT but even the other Chinese colleagues were opening windows. This wasn't a culture gap. This was Dale.

January is when things got weird. Dale put a small sign on the microwave in Chinese that said something about being courteous with shared appliances. I had to ask someone to read it for me. I thought oh good he's becoming self aware. No. He put the sign up because someone microwaved some kind of spicy hotpot leftovers and HE didn't like the smell. DALE didn't like the smell. The fish and broccoli guy thought HOTPOT was too much. I stared at that sign for maybe an hour. I couldn't read half of it but I understood enough to know I was losing my mind.

Then in February he started doing something I still don't fully understand. He began eating at his desk with his desk lamp off. Just sits in the dim with his tilapia and broccoli while the rest of us are working. I asked a Chinese coworker if this was a thing. She said no. I asked another one. He said no and also made a face. So it's not a thing. It's a Dale thing. I asked Dale about it and he said he read on WeChat that eating in dim light "aids digestion." I didn't look it up. I don't want to know if it's true because if it is then this man is operating with information from a WeChat article and I can't compete with that.

Two weeks ago he brought in a second container. I thought oh god what now. It was rice. Just plain rice. I was so relieved it was just rice that I almost thanked him. I almost thanked a man for only bringing rice. That's where I am now. My baseline has shifted so far that plain rice feels like a gift.

oh and I forgot to mention. He eats with these metal chopsticks. Not the disposable wooden ones from the canteen. Not even normal reusable ones. These heavy metal chopsticks that scrape the glass container. It sounds like a tiny forklift backing up. Every day. For the full duration of his lunch which takes him about forever because he chews each bite like he's solving something.

Last week is what made me write this post. I was on a video call with our US partner office. Important call. I had my headset on. Dale walks over to the microwave area, which again is right next to me, and he taps me on the shoulder. I mute myself. He goes in English because he knows I prefer it "hey do you mind keeping it down for a bit? I'm about to eat."

HE ASKED ME TO KEEP IT DOWN. WHILE HE EATS HIS FISH. IN THE DARK. AT HIS DESK. HE ASKED ME. TO BE QUIETER. FOR HIS DINING EXPERIENCE. In the OPEN OFFICE. That WE SHARE.

I said Dale I'm on a call with the US team. He nodded and said "yeah that's kind of what I mean. The English is a lot." THE ENGLISH IS A LOT. My JOB talking. In the language HE switched to to ask me. He wants me to not do my job so he can eat microwaved tilapia in peace. In the dark. With his metal chopsticks.

I went to my manager about it. He said "Dale is a little different but his code is very clean." I said that's great but the fish. He said "have you tried talking to him about it?" I said yes in two languages. He said "maybe try again."

Yesterday he put up a new sign. It says something about a quiet lunch zone from 12 to 1. He LAMINATED it. He went somewhere in this building and found a laminator and laminated a sign declaring a quiet lunch zone around the microwave he has colonized for his daily fish ritual. There was no vote. There was no group chat announcement. Dale just decided this is a quiet lunch zone now. The sign has a little clip art of a fish on it with chopsticks. I know it's not ironic. I know there is not a single ironic bone in this man. He just thought a fish with chopsticks was appropriate for a lunch sign.

I asked three different coworkers if this was normal. All three said no. One of them laughed so hard she had to go to the stairwell. One just said "that's just Dale" like that explains anything. The third one showed me that she eats lunch at a mall across the street now specifically because of Dale. She's been doing this since December. She didn't even tell me. I could have been going with her this whole time.

I just found out he's up for a promotion. My manager said he's a "good culture fit." I've been eating lunch at a Lanzhou noodle shop down the street since January and my jacket smells like tilapia so maybe he's right. Maybe this is the culture now. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I should just turn off my desk lamp and accept it.

I moved to the other side of the world for this job and somehow my biggest problem is the same one people have in every office on earth. Fish guy. Fish guy is universal. Fish guy transcends borders and languages.

His desk plant is thriving by the way. Probably the broccoli steam.

Update Apr 21, 2026

if you saw my last post you already know about Dale. if you didn't, short version: I work at this AI startup called happycapy ai in Shenzhen, I'm not Chinese, and there's a guy named Dale who microwaves fish at his desk every day, eats in the dark with his lamp off, laminated his own quiet lunch zone sign, and once asked me to keep it down on a work call because "the English is a lot." that post blew up which is flattering and also depressing because the most viral thing I've ever done is complain about a man's tilapia. cool. anyway here's what happened since.

Dale got the promotion. Of course he did. My manager announced it during morning standup and everyone clapped and Dale did this single nod. Didn't smile. Didn't say thanks. Just one slow nod like a general accepting battlefield command. I've never seen someone absorb applause like that. He just let it wash over him and then sat back down and opened his fish container because it was 11:58 and nothing, not even career advancement, delays the fish.

His new desk is three spots closer to me. There were open desks by the window. By the door. By the elevator. He picked the one nearest to the microwave which is also nearest to me. I think Dale thinks we're close. I think in his mind the fish has bonded us. We are not bonded. I am a hostage.

The day after the promotion he brought a new container. My actual heart rate went up. It was soup. FISH SOUP. So now the daily lineup is tilapia, broccoli, rice, and a soup that smells like the ocean floor during a crisis. The whole floor got hit. Our office manager sent a message in the company WeChat saying "does anyone smell something burning on 4" and Dale responded with "no that's my lunch" and a thumbs up emoji. Not embarrassed. Not apologetic. A THUMBS UP. This man just got promoted and his first act of leadership was to proudly claim a smell that HR should be investigating.

I went to my manager about it. Again. He said "yeah I get it but Dale's output is really strong." I said his OUTPUT of smell is also really strong. He didn't laugh. He said "maybe bring it up in your next one on one with Dale." My next one on one WITH DALE?? Dale is not my manager. Dale is my PROBLEM. But apparently the promotion means Dale now does peer check-ins with people on the floor. So yes. I have a one on one with the fish man now. That's where my career is at.

But the thing that actually broke me is the fridge. Dale brought in a mini fridge. Personal. Unauthorized. Just showed up on a Monday humming under his desk. It has a sticker on it. A cartoon fish. Smiling. And right next to it he stuck one of those HappyCapy capybara stickers we got at the company retreat. So now there's a happy capybara and a happy fish on Dale's unauthorized fridge like they're best friends. Like they're in this together. Every time I look at it I feel like they're both judging me for not accepting Dale's lifestyle.

I asked my manager about the fridge and he said "Dale mentioned wanting to keep his ingredients fresh. I think it's fine." INGREDIENTS. He's calling it ingredients now. It's not lunch anymore. He has INGREDIENTS. The desk is a prep station. Dale is running a restaurant out of a cubicle and management is fine with it because his code is clean.

Oh and remember the coworker who'd been eating lunch at the mall across the street since December? She quit last week. Not directly because of Dale I think she got a better offer somewhere. But on her last day she stopped at my desk and whispered "get out while you can." I laughed. She didn't laugh. She just looked at me like I was the one person she couldn't save and then walked to the elevator. I think about it a lot.

Now here's why I'm writing this. Yesterday in the elevator. Just me and Dale. Quiet. He turns to me and goes "hey. do you like seafood."

I said I guess, why.

He said "no reason. just planning something for the floor."

FOR THE FLOOR. PLANNING SOMETHING FOR THE FLOOR. I said what do you mean planning what and he just smiled and walked out and did the wave without looking back. The man dropped "just planning something" and LEFT. Like a villain in a movie. Except this villain has a mini fridge and a laminator and I don't think he's joking.

Something is coming. Something involving Dale, seafood, and his understanding of what's appropriate for a shared workspace which as we've established is WILDLY different from everyone else's. This man laminated a sign. He brought a fridge. He earned a promotion microwaving fish. Whatever he's planning, he will execute it with absolute certainty and zero pushback from management because his code is clean and apparently that's all that matters.

His desk plant has a second pot now. He's expanding on every front.

Will update when I find out what the seafood plan is. Pray for me.

UPDATE: the seafood event happened. also we moved offices. also dale brought his fridge. May 6, 2026

so the seafood thing happened.

I need to start there because the last post ended on "he's planning something for the floor" and I know some of you said to claim an allergy in the elevator and I want to be clear: I had the window, I did not take it, and the seafood thing happened and I was present for the entire thing and I need you to know this before I get to the other stuff.

Dale organized a floor hotpot. He called it "floor culture building lunch." Thursday night WeChat message, whole floor, seafood hotpot tomorrow, bring appetite. He attached a photo. Not a link to a place, not a shared order. A photo of a hotpot. From what I can only assume is his own phone. Just a pot. On a Thursday night. No other context.

Management had apparently approved it. I don't know when he asked or how he framed it but by Friday morning there was a portable hotpot on a table in the middle of our floor and Dale was unboxing seafood from bags he'd carried in from home. I stood there longer than was professional just watching this. He had shrimp. Things I recognized. Things I genuinely didn't. At one point he added something that made the person next to me go completely still in the way people go still when they are privately reconsidering their life choices.

Dale gave a short speech. My colleague translated the part that mattered: he said sharing a meal was the foundation of team trust. He said this while stirring a hotpot he had personally transported on a Friday morning. Nobody clapped. Everyone ate. The smell lasted through the weekend and someone filed something with HR and HR said it was a team event so nothing happened.

anyway. our company got funded.

Happycapy made it into some tech news which was exciting for maybe a week and then our CEO announced we were moving. Scaling up. New floor in a WeWork in Shenzhen, proper branded setup, real kitchen, the whole thing. They put capybara stuff everywhere at the all-hands. Mugs, wall prints, stickers. I took a couple because honestly the capybara is kind of cute, I don't know, it grows on you.

Dale took the whole sheet of stickers.

I was standing right next to him. He picked up a full sheet, put it in his bag, made eye contact with no one. I watched this happen and said nothing. I have no idea what he needs that many capybara stickers for. I've decided not to think about it.

The new office is legitimately nice. Open floor, glass meeting rooms along one wall, proper kitchen with ventilation. I was optimistic. Thought maybe a fresh start, new space, he'd use the kitchen, whatever. That lasted about a week.

By the end of the first week Dale had claimed a meeting room.

He didn't do it officially. He just started booking the same room every day 12 to 1. Calendar subject line: L. Just the letter. I asked our office manager what it stood for. She said Lunch. Just Lunch. Daily. The whole room. He sits in there alone. The walls are glass so you can see directly in and I walked past one afternoon and he was in there, lamp off, container open, metal chopsticks, no sound. Just Dale. In a glass box. In a WeWork. I stopped for a second because sometimes you need a moment to confirm that what you're looking at is real and not something your brain has constructed.

The WeWork community team noticed the smell after a week or so and sent an email to our office manager asking about "food preparation concerns on the floor." She forwarded it to the CEO. He forwarded it back to her. Nothing happened.

Dale put a laminated sign on the meeting room door. New one, he must have found a laminator in the building. Same text though — quiet lunch zone, 12 to 1, please respect. WeWork staff took it down. Next morning a new one was up. They took that one too. Third one appeared. I think after three attempts everyone just gave up because the sign has been on that door for two weeks now.

oh and I should mention. The fridge came.

Dale's unauthorized personal mini fridge made the move. The moving company packed it, someone put a company asset tag on it because they assumed it was office equipment. It is now technically a Happycapy company asset. The capybara sticker and the smiling fish sticker are still on it. It's under Dale's new desk. His plants came too. Three pots. I don't know what he's been giving them but they are doing incredible. Best-looking desk plants I've seen in any office. Thriving. Expanding on every front as always.

New person joined last month. Desk closest to the glass meeting room. First day she came over to me around 2pm, stood there for a second, and said "is that guy okay."

I didn't know what to say. I said his code is very clean.

She came in with noise-canceling headphones on day two. I've had mine since February. We don't talk about it. We're just both wearing them by noon.

I think I've stopped fighting it tbh. Dale is weather at this point. You don't argue with weather, you dress for it. The forecast at this office is fish. Has been since November. You bring a headset.

will update when something happens. something always happens.

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Me [29 F] and my landlords' [late 30s M & F] child [9 F]. Child screams to purposely wake up the tenants. What do?

Original Post March 21, 2015

I live in a large 3-storey house with my landlords and 2 other tenants. My landlords are a married couple in their late 30s with 2 daughters aged 5 and 9, and they have the basement and first floor. I and another single tenant live on the second floor, and there's another couple on the third floor. It's a really nice living situation, the rent for the neighborhood cannot be beat, and our landlords are great except for this one thing.

So before we moved in, the landlords mentioned to us that "sometimes the girls get loud, particularly the older one, but you probably won't even hear it unless you're by your door." Given their ages, we figured this meant noise from playing and the occasional tantrum. On questioning the other tenants, they said it's mostly the 9 year old having tantrums, but it's infrequent.

We've been living here for 3 months now and the 9 year old has a screaming tantrum at least twice per week. She screams with the intent to wake up the house, because she knows it makes her parents embarrassed. I've only ever heard them say things like "stop yelling, you'll wake everyone up!" and never heard them talk about punishment (although to be fair I couldn't hear everything over the screaming).

I've tried casually to bring it up with them, e.g. saying something like "wow, that kid can scream!" with a chuckle, to which they would say "omg we're so sorry, she's so bad today, we don't know what to do."

Personally, I would love to go down there during a screaming episode and have words with the child, but I feel like that would be crossing a huge red line. I gather that as parents, they want to be the only ones making decisions about their children and don't welcome outside input. So I don't want to say something like "you should ground her" or whatever. Also, being mindful of the fact that they are my landlords, I don't want to have too much tension in the household. I really like the place otherwise.

So I might be asking the impossible, but what's a good way to bring this up with my landlords, when I feel like they might not be open to the advice/criticism (even though it's neither of those things, I think they would perceive it that way)?

tl;dr: At least twice a week, my landlords' 9 year old daughter will get upset with her parents and, to "get back" at them, she starts screaming in order to wake up the tenants. Parents don't discipline the child when she does this so she keeps on doing it and it's annoying. How to discuss this with landlords?

edit: Wow! This is my most popular post ever. Thanks so much, everyone, for providing your opinions and advice. I wasn't sure how to sit down with my landlords and get this out in the open positively and there's a number of good angles mentioned here that I will be using.

TOP COMMENTS

> Some people are telling you that this is a parenting issue and therefore none of your business. They are wrong. This is not a parenting issue. It is an issue with your landlords and the quality of your living situation. > > Yes, they warned you. Yes, they are probably disciplining the child. So fucking what? It needs to stop. You need to address this the way you would any other issue with the property. > > Don't give them parenting advice. Don't be negative or rude about their child. But be direct. > > "If you have a minute I would like to discuss the noise level in regards to 9F. It's getting to the point that my frustrations with the situation have me wondering if perhaps this is not the right living situation for me. I appreciate that you warned me when I initially moved in, however this wasn't quite what I was expecting. I'm sure you're doing the best you can and I have no doubt that you are already aware that this is an issue but I wanted to be upfront with how bothersome this is for me." Or something along those lines. > > Dancing around the issue or chuckling when you mention it isn't going to solve anything.

~

dinosaur_train

>The solution isn't to be indirect and uncommunicative. Go talk to them. If they can't stop it then it is time to talk about how to soundproof your quarters. They probably need to stop giving her attention when she screams. It needs to be a non event. She likes the attention and if she's given NONE then she'll stop this nonsense.

Update May 13, 2015 (Nearly 2 months later)

This is an update to my original post about my landlord's kid screaming at the top of her lungs at 6am and waking up the entire building.

I borrowed the advice of making the conversation not about myself or them, and instead discussing the possibility of soundproofing. I also decided to do it right around 6am when it was starting so I could sort of catch it in the act.

I went down to my landlord's floor and simply said, "Hey guys, just FYI, I can hear that in my apartment as though it's happening right outside my door. I guess the walls are thin and the door is right here by the stairs. You may want to consider some kind of soundproofing for the benefit of future tenants." (My lease runs out in a month and I'm not renewing, so didn't bother to ask for it for myself.)

I was surprised when my landlords said they had no idea I could hear it. Apparently the other building residents (both of whom have lived in my unit) didn't hear it or did but didn't say anything about it. My landlords were also very apologetic and said they were really sorry.

The next thing that happened was awesome. The 9 year old was in the room, sitting facing away and now totally silent. The mother said, "See? Your behavior has consequences and you've disturbed our neighbors. I think you need to turn around and apologize to porkburp for waking her up." She did not turn around (I wasn't really expecting it - she's shy around the tenants) and her body language really seemed to communicate that she was embarrassed/ashamed.

When I came home from work, I had a handwritten letter from the girl where she apologized for disturbing everyone and will try harder next time not to behave like that. (I believe every tenant got one of these.) I kind of wish her parents had made her apologize to me on the spot, but I'm okay with the letter.

This happened a couple weeks ago and so far there's been no further 6am tantrums - at least that I can hear, anyway. So I think confronting the family was a success.

Thanks to Reddit for your advice in the original thread. I also really enjoyed some of the shitposts people feel compelled to leave - they make me laugh.

TL;DR: Confronted my landlord's family mid-tantrum and kindly asked for soundproofing. They made the child apologize and we haven't had any problems since. Thanks Reddit!

Edit Got a few more things to say in response to these great comments:

• Thanks for the Reddit Gold, stranger!

• Some people have pointed out that a 9 year old apologizing through a letter as opposed to on the spot isn't so bad considering she's 9; in fact it might be an even bigger punishment because she would have to sit and really think about each letter. That's something I didn't consider and when it's framed that way, I agree that that's sufficient.

• Some people also think my OP was about asking whether or not to discuss the issue with my landlord, but it was actually about how to bring it up in the most non-offensive way possible. As some people here have mentioned, some parents can be really sensitive to anything that seems like criticism. I wanted to minimize the possibility of them turning around and trying to make this about me vs. them, since that's not what it was at all.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayfuckyoumatt

My best guy friend [26/M] is getting married! But my [24/F] abusive ex [26/M] is in the wedding party. Help?

TRIGGER WARNING: >!mentions of domestic abuse and mental health issues!<

Original Post Feb 7, 2015

Okay, I'm going to try my best to summarize this without too much detail.

I [24/F] met my best guy friend (Jacob) [26/M] and my ex (Matt) [26/M] my first year of college. The three of us were pretty much inseparable, until things between Matt and me got ugly. The details of our relationship aren't that important to my question, but suffice it to say that we went through nine months of a typical abusive relationship pattern (tension, then explosion, then a honeymoon period, repeat) before I got myself out of that bullshit. Matt was mostly emotionally abusive, but there were incidents of physical abuse right before I left.

Much of Matt's abusive behavior was spurred by his severe anxiety disorder, which is partially why it was hard for me to leave. Only Jacob and I really knew how bad his mental health was, and I used to stay up with him until like 3 a.m. helping him through panic attacks. On the day I finally left (well, the day that started my process of leaving...), I called Jacob and said, "You have to come here and help Matt. I can't do this anymore." He didn't know Matt was abusive toward me prior to that day, but he's well aware now.

Anyway, Matt and I tried having a friendship (I don't know why...) but it didn't happen for obvious reasons. However, Jacob remained close friends with Matt and me separately.

Since college, I have gotten married (My husband really likes Jacob, and he was an usher in our wedding), and Jacob got engaged! Great! ...except I quickly realized that I'd be forced to be around Matt for the first time in years, as Matt will be a groomsman. (For clarification, I'm not in the wedding party. I might be asked to help in some other way, but not in the wedding party.)

Matt has attempted to contact me a few times since I started dating my now-husband, Aaron [29/M]. Most recently was a text a few days after my wedding, which I ignored. It's mostly been Facebook messages that say (in a lot more words than this) "I'm sorry about everything. Can we be friends?" The first time, I responded, detailed all the reasons why we couldn't be friends and asked him not to contact me again. But in the handful of messages after that, my answer was just pretty much "I told you not to talk to me. Go away." and then no response at all. Matt also has found out I was in town a few times when I visited Jacob and some friends (they still live in our college town) and tried to invite himself over to make amends with me. But I've successfully avoided seeing him since I graduated college almost three years ago.

(Since I'm sure this question will come up, I'm not Facebook friends with Matt, but I haven't blocked him. I want to keep tabs on where he is in case he moves or I move. It hasn't been a problem. Matt's maybe contacted me through there four times in the past three years.)

Aaron never met Matt, but he knows all about how he treated me. I went through therapy post-Matt and pre-Aaron, and I'm healed from my abuse now, but I'm worried about seeing Matt in person. I don't think I'll have any major emotional reaction at the wedding since it doesn't bother me much anymore. But I'm nervous that Matt will come up and try to say something to me or Aaron. Aaron isn't the type that would get aggressive with Matt, but he would definitely get in Matt's face and ask him to leave us alone. (Aaron is very non-confrontational, until he thinks I'm being treated badly. Even still, he's not going to punch the dude in the face.)

Also, I have no idea on the status of Matt's mental health. Last time I asked Jacob, which was a long time ago, he said he was "doing a lot better." But I have no idea what that means.

I just don't want to cause any issues or tension on my best friend's big day. Matt isn't dangerous in that he would hurt me or Aaron or anyone else, so this doesn't require a restraining order or something like that. And the situation doesn't require us to not attend the wedding. Mostly, I think it will lead to a very uncomfortable situation, and I'm not sure how to prep my husband or myself for that situation which will most likely happen.

---

tl;dr: Best guy friend is getting married. My abusive ex is a groomsman. Not sure how to prepare myself and my husband for seeing him and for the inevitable awkwardness/drama that will accompany it.

EDIT: A lot of people are coming down hard on Jacob for staying friends with Matt, and honestly, I understand. I initially found it shitty and hypocritical, but I've gotten over it, really. I think Jacob was in a tough spot because this was happening to his two best friends. And when I left Matt, and Jacob found out about the abuse, I think Jacob felt he had to be there for both of us. (I should also note that Jacob knew Matt first so I'm sure he felt obligated to him.) Matt had an anxiety disorder, and I think he needed Jacob there to help him get help. I don't endorse their friendship, but not many people really understand abuse. And since mine was so much emotional abuse and only a small portion physical, that makes it even harder for people to understand. So if it were the other way around, and I were you guys reading this, I would definitely respond the same way and say Jacob's being a bad friend. But he's honestly been one of the best friends I've ever had, and a piece of shit like Matt isn't worth losing a great friend like Jacob.

I'll mull over this part a little bit and talk to Aaron for his input, but I'd really like insight on how to deal with Matt and the wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Could you send Matt a message on Facebook BEFORE the wedding? Something like > > "Matt, > > Since I know we'll both be at Jacob's wedding, I just wanted to remind you that I am not interested in being friends. I have previously explained, in detail, why this is the case. Please refrain from trying to reconnect, or otherwise talking to me or my husband, at this event. I know we both care deeply about Jacob and I would rather avoid causing a scene on his big day. Please respect my decision and do not respond to this message." > > If nothing else, his response (or hopefully, lack thereof) should give you a good idea of what to expect from him at the wedding. > > ALSO, you should ask Jacob to talk to Matt. He should remind Matt to leave you alone at the wedding and emphasize that to do otherwise could possibly ruin one of the most important days of his life.

OOP

>>This is the best idea I've read so far. I'll think it over, but I think this is what I'll end up doing. Thanks so much.

Update: Best guy friend [26/M] got married. My [24/F] abusive ex [26/M] was a groomsman. Here's what happened. June 8, 2015 (4 months later)

Hi, everyone. I had such great advice on my original thread that I decided to update everyone on what happened at the wedding.

I took the advice of writing to Matt prior to the wedding and explicitly stating that he should not approach me. About a month or so before the wedding, I sent him a Facebook message, and I didn't pull any punches. I figured this was my one and only chance to let him have it.

I told him that I wanted to make it absolutely clear that he abused me, and it wasn't a conclusion I came to on my own, but through the guidance of therapists and other abuse survivors. I said that I was telling him that because not only was it important for him to recognize it, but it was important for me to say it.

I then went on to say that because he abused me, I was not, and never would be, interested in having a friendship with him. And I wasn't doing that to be mean or close-minded, but because I needed it for my own mental health. I told him he was at one point very important to me, but he threw that away with his thoughtless treatment of me.

So I wrapped up my message to Matt by saying that I wanted to enjoy Jacob and Andrea's wedding and support one of my best friends getting married. And that if he didn't respect me enough as a woman to honor my request to leave me alone, he could talk to my husband, Aaron [30/M] about it.

So anyway, Matt surprisingly didn't respond to me. Last time I tried to call him out on his abuse, he called me screaming and saying that I was jeopardizing his future career as a teacher. So I was ready for that, and it didn't happen, thankfully.

Prior to the wedding, I was pretty nervous. I didn't know what kind of reaction I'd have in seeing him, and I was really concerned he'd approach me or try to talk to my husband. But he actually left me alone!

When I saw him for the first time at the wedding, all I felt were the same feelings I had when I saw him around campus after I finally left him: some mixture of resentment, pity, annoyance and complete disinterest in him as a person. I was really happy about that because I wasn't sure how I'd react after not seeing him for three years. But my mental health held up!

I caught him looking at me a few times, but that was the extent of our interaction at the wedding. And I could tell he was the exact same person he was in college, based on his behavior at the wedding, so my assumptions were correct. It was terribly mean and resentful of me, but I was over the top happy that all of the other groomsmen found him unbearable (they told me so without knowing our history), and he had no one to talk to at the wedding. He talked a few college girls into dancing with him, but I was surrounded by my incredible husband and a big group of friends who were thrilled to see me. So in the end, I got the better life, and he's still a fuck.

To be honest, though, it was a little tough seeing him. At one point in my life, I really did love him, and as my husband put it, I don't easily burn emotional bridges. I always hold onto hope with people, even if they treated me badly. But Matt and I (stupidly) tried being friends while we were still in college and after we'd separated, and it was a disaster. It was just Abusive Relationship 2.0 for us. So for my mental health and self-respect, I knew I could never have him in my life in any capacity. And that's still a little hard to accept at times.

Anyway, this is hopefully the last time I'll ever have to see him. I expect him to try to contact me again in the future, some years down the road, but he hasn't since my message. I'm hoping that it finally made him confront the reality of what happened between us, since he was still putting at least partial blame on me for our situation. But I'm done making myself feel even the smallest bit responsible for him.

So sorry this was long, but it helps me to talk it out. Thank you again, everyone, for your help! I truly appreciate it.

TL;DR Everything went better than expected. Wrote to Matt. Told him to leave me alone at the wedding. He actually left me alone!

FINAL COMMENTS

OOP explains why Jacob stayed friends with Matt

> It is painful to admit, but there are redeeming qualities in Matt. He and Jacob are very similar people, except Matt is selfish, immature and abusive and Jacob isn't. In fact, part of why it was hard to leave Matt was that Jacob and I were his only real friends, so I felt a lot of responsibility to help him through his anxiety disorder. > > But yeah, I absolutely wouldn't stay friends with someone who abused my friend, but I can't really be angry at Jacob. At first, it bothered me, but I know Jacob made it painfully clear to Matt that he was a complete piece of shit for what he did to me and prioritized our friendship over theirs. And in truth, Matt's actions damaged their relationship, which hasn't ever been fully fixed. Matt wasn't best man, and before everything that happened with us, he absolutely would have been. He also didn't hang out with Matt as much through the rest of college. But honestly, having Jacob there for Matt made it a lot easier for me to leave, so there's that, too. > > & > > Yeah, I kept telling myself I shouldn't give a shit. I still loved him, but I knew I shouldn't and knew I had to get away from him. So having Jacob around to make sure Matt was taking his medication and not dangerously close to killing himself made me feel better about getting out. It also made me feel better to have a sort of safety net between me and Matt. If Matt was ever like, "Hey, I should call her!" Jacob said, "Umm no, you absolutely shouldn't." > > Like I said, I wouldn't have made the same choice that Jacob did, but I'm not mad at him or anything. And yeah, I sincerely hope that Matt learned a lot from losing pretty much everyone. I think he did, which is why he tried to contact me a few times.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LufjanLevens

Am I (25F) being mean/unreasonable to my coworker (22F) asking for rides?

Original Post Oct 12, 2017

Hi all. I'll make this as short as I can. A younger coworker refuses to get her drivers license and a car due to anxiety. She is sort of on my way to work (after recently moving to the area) and asked me to drive her. I agreed, thinking it would be temporary, but she has no plans to get her license any time soon.

Every day for 3 weeks, she has made me late to work, which isn't a big deal in my office but irks me nonetheless that my time doesn't appear valuable to her while I do her a favor. After telling her at least 3 times to be ready when I get there, there was no change, and then today she overslept and I was extra late to work waiting for her to come out and she never did. I left without her. I sent her a very calm text saying that I didn't feel comfortable driving her anymore and that she needs to find another ride. I also said no hard feelings.

2 hours later when she wakes up, she sends me an apology and says she understands and knows she's been unreliable. I tell her that I'm glad she understands and that again there are no hard feelings from me.

2 more hours later, she gets to work and doesn't say a word to me all day. I take that as a sign that there are indeed some hard feelings but oh well. I go home after work, I think it's over, I took tomorrow off and I'm ready for my 3-day weekend.

A few hours later, I get a LONG text from her saying that she is so sorry and to please give her another chance because she didn't understand that I wanted her to be waiting when I got there. The bulk of the message is about me not communicating with her and her having trouble picking up the signs. She offers to pay me, promises she'll "do better." And then asks if I can at least give her a week to find another ride.

Here's where my question comes in - I gave her a flat no. I typed out a very long irritated reply, then erased most of it and called my manager who told me to have her call him. I texted her that I truly felt bad that she's left in a tough spot but that the fact of the matter is that it's not my responsibility to get her to work and she needs to ask our manager for help. I guess now I just feel like a jerk, like I should've taken her word that she'd get it together, but at the same time, I feel like I was right to stand up for myself and not do things that make me anxious and uncomfortable. It's hard sometimes to find the line between standing up for yourself and being a jerk, I guess, especially because I am typically the first person to let things go on in silence.

TLDR: coworker asks for rides but is always late. I tell her I can't do it anymore and she says she understands, then sends me a message saying that I never told her I had a problem with her being late and begging me to at least give her a week to find a new ride. I gave her a hard no. Am I being unfair?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

moongirl12

> You don't owe her a ride. You were very generous and she took advantage of that, and only now wants to change because she's losing her (literal) free ride. > > You're not being a jerk.

OOP

>>Thanks for replying. Her long message to me was all about how she should have known that when I texted her "one minute away" that meant "come outside" and some other similar examples of how she should've known what I meant. Makes me wonder how she can suddenly piece that together now and couldn't before....

~

HoneyGirlLZ

> Dude. Wow. If someone is doing me the favour of giving me a ride, you can be sure as hell I'll be waiting outside for them. If I am more than 10 minutes early, I will ask them which side of the street they are coming from so I can make it easier for them to pick me up. > > You owe your coworker nothing. She has been abusing your generosity.

OOP

>> Haha I love the part about asking which side of the street. That's going the extra mile! I feel exactly the same way about being ready. I think she's just been driven around her whole life by her parents so she doesn't get it. >> >> One other funny thing is that she offered in her long text to pay me but her roommate is literally an uber driver and she only lives 2 miles from the office.

Update Nov 1, 2017 (3 weeks later)

Hi everybody,

My original post didn't get a ton of comments but it got enough that I thought I'd share an update for anyone interested in the aftermath of my ride-share drama.

It was about 3 weeks ago that I told my coworker I wouldn't be driving her anymore due to her constant tardiness (and her ungratefulness). I felt bad about it at first because she seemed so young and clueless rather than manipulative. After I ended it, she started asking everyone in the office for rides, including people she had never spoken to who live in the complete opposite direction of her. She did manage to get to and from work every day for the last three weeks, basically by bouncing from car to car every couple days because nobody would commit to a long-term agreement. For the record, I didn't tell anyone why I wasn't driving her anymore apart from my manager and a coworker who asked me what happened after she received a message asking for a ride home.

Well, Monday she was finally fired due to poor performance (which we all knew was coming since she had been there almost 4 months and still hadn't been given a company cell phone) and the floodgates opened. Not only did she ask everyone for rides, she was just as thankless and demanding to the rest of the office as she was to me. The team went on a group outing last Friday and she evidently got really bratty towards the woman driving her home because she was hosting a Halloween party that night and wanted to leave.

Even though I kind of feel like a sucker for agreeing to drive her in the first place, I'm glad to know in the end that I definitely made the right judgement call.

TL,DR: Coworker proceeded to badger the rest of the office for rides every day. She was finally fired on Monday and nobody who was nice enough to give her a ride had anything nice to say about her.

FINAL COMMENTS

ImFamousOnImgur

>Went back and read the update. You did the right thing. Typically with most jobs "reliable transportation" is a qualification. If she isn't responsible enough to either get a DL or find a paid ride to work then she isn't responsible enough for a job.

OOP

>>So true. It was an issue from the beginning because the manager didn't know until after she accepted the offer that she didn't have a car/license. He gave her the benefit of the doubt when she said she was planning to do it after getting a job but I know he was just as frustrated by the last few weeks as I and apparently many others in the office were. If her performance had been crazy stellar, it wouldn't have been so extra frsuatrting for him though.

~

EarlGreyhair

> I read your previous post. She blamed you for not communicating that you wanted to be on time for work? The nerve of some people. > > Hopefully this will be a massive learning experience for her. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

OOP

>> It was wild. My mouth dropped open when I got her enormously long text claiming that I said "it was no big deal" and never said she needed to be ready when I got there lol. >> >> I sincerely hope she grows from this. I did/said/thought some stupid stuff when I was 22 so I have faith that it's not too late for her to get it together.

Was OOP ever offered gas money?

>She offered money after I told her I wouldn't drive her anymore and I basically told her it wasn't about money, it was about respect. From what coworkers told me, she did offer money to some of the people she asked after me.

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Me [26M] with my wife [25F] all together 5 years I saw what looks to be a picture of my wife on my friends phone, the picture was nude

Originally posted to r/AdviceAnimals r/tifu & relationships

Eidtors Note: OOP's original post was removed from tifu only because it wasnt OOP's fuck up

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stealing nude images, harassment and violent threats!<

Original Post Jan 13, 2016

TIFU THREAD - TIFU: By looking at my friends phone

RELATIONSHIPS THREAD

We were sitting on the couch drinking a few beers watching DVR reruns of the twilight zone. Its my day off and my friend got kicked out of his house about a month ago by his girlfriend, as far as I know he did nothing wrong. He's been sleeping in a hotel and my wife and I offered to let him stay at our apartment for a few weeks until he can find a place of his own. Anyway we are sitting on the couch and he runs out of beer and gets up to go to my kitchen to get another. He puts his phone face down on the couch. I shouldn't have but I picked it up to look at it. He was looking at a picture of my wife... naked. I'm almost certain its her. I got really uncomfortable at the thought that he's browsing his phone looking at a pic of my naked wife right fucking next to me.

I quickly put down the phone where he had it and I locked the screen to be safe. When he came back I went to my bedroom to type this. Guys what do I do. Tons of thoughts are swimming through my head. Please help I dont want to do anything I regret.

TL;DR: Found a nude picture of my wife on my friends phone, who is currently living with us after getting kicked out by his girlfriend.

EDIT: I have been advised to keep quiet until I know that without a doubt he has a nude picture of my wife on his phone. I need to see it again to be certain. I dont know how to do it though.

STUFF TO KNOW: I told my wife that my friend, our mutual friend has been staying in a hotel for a few weeks after he got kicked out, we both decided to let him stay here for a few weeks until he gets a new place. I didnt get a long enough look at the picture, to say weather or not its my wife with 100% certainty. There was no face in the picture. I do not want to go around throwing out accusations.

UPDATE: My wife will be home from work in an hour 45. My friend is currently working on something in the room he's staying in(not sure what). Im in my room, reading the comments. Im going to text my wife something mundane, and see if she responds. I am not going to bring anything up I just wana see if she'll say something back. Im thinking of a few excuses to see my friends phone, if you have a good one let me know.

UPDATE 2: I was given the idea to tell him I cant find my phone and ask him to call it. He was reluctant about letting me use his phone, this is where Im worried, if he has nothing to hide why wont he let me see the phone, I dont know maybe hes really protective. He said "just walk around the apartment and and Ill keep calling it until you find it." I didnt want him to think I was suspicious so I agreed. I told him I found it and ended it there. He's going to work soon so i need to get to his phone soon.

UPDATE 3: Friend has gone to work, Wife will be home in 15-20 mins. Still haven't been able to see the picture. Should I ask my wife anything when she gets home? She didnt respond to my mundane text I forgot to mention that.

UPDATE 4: For those that were wondering, from what I remember the picture was a woman presumedly laying down with her shirt open, she had large breasts, which my wife also does, thats all I remember because after I picked it up I got a sick feeling in my stomach and locked it then put it down. If I could see it again I could pinpoint for sure if its her or not. Now onto the update, she left her phone at work.... Im worried. This has got my head spinning in all sorts of ways, I prodded just a bit and asked why she left it, she said she just forgot. Guys, holy shit im nervous. My friend is at work I cant check his phone my wife's phone is at work. FUCK. I dont know what to do. Im going to stay as calm as possible and not give anything away. Is this a sign she's hiding something. I really dont want to assume the worst, I just need to calm down for a bit. Goddammit am I craving some Vicodin again. I use to be addicted to it and the urge is back but I know I cant do it. Just to be safe I called her phone and it did ring the full 30 seconds or so. Im trying to slyly deduce whats going on. Ill update when I have more.

UPDATE 5: My wife is going to the gym, she'll be back in an hour. I feel so bad, I feel like im going behind her back. I love this woman to death and dont know what I'd do with out her. I keep being told to confront my wife or to confront my friend, which should I do. I'm not going to accuse them at all that would be wrong, so I might just let this play out little by little.

UPDATE 6: Final update for tonight, so far my post has been removed several times and I promised I would tell you guys what was going on. My wife hasn't come home from the gym yet still no phone. I am angry and very stressed Im going to bed guys. I hope I haven't failed you people. Please dont hate me.

UPDATE 7: So last night I had a pretty mean headache, I'll get them when im really stressed, and I decided to call it a night. My wife got home soon after and walked into our room, when she turned the light on she saw me laying down, she apologized and turned the light back off, she asked me why I was laying down. I just told her I was stressed and she sat down on the bed next to me and asked me what was up. I just said 'you know work' and left it there she said ok then kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I needed anything I told her I was alright, and I fell asleep not too long after our conversation.

I woke up in the middle of the night, I was having trouble sleeping, and I walked into the living room, on the balcony was my friend having a smoke, and I started feeling really angry and wanted to go out there and confront him, but I knew i needed to stay calm I walked out onto the balcony and we made small talk for a bit while he finished his cigarette. It was silent for a bit and I asked him why he was kicked out of his GF's house. "Like I told you before dude. Im really not sure, she just did, You know, I didnt do anything." It felt like such a lie, I just really wasn't thinking about it the first time. Im sure he's hiding something, he said it with such a disregard for the question, kinda like when your parents would catch you doing something and they would ask you what was going on and you would say, "Uhhhh, nothing." We said our goodbyes Exactly like that. I didn't question him any further for fear he might think I was trying to get something out of him, we talked for a bit longer about nothing important. I told him I was still pretty tired so I wanted to go back to sleep, he said goodnight and I went back to bed, I couldn't sleep though I was tossing and turning troubled by the thought of something being up.

I got up a while later to go to the gym, from there I go to work, and I had an idea. I was going to sneak into his room and get his phone and look at it, the only problem being his door was locked. I went to the gym, but didn't do much because I felt so discouraged. I got to work, where I currently am now, and decided I would use the advice I was given and check the message history through our service provider, that was tough to do because I had trouble remembering our account info but I got it all sorted. When I looked at the message logs I felt like again Im betraying my wife. So I texted her. No answer. She must have not have gotten her phone yet.I waited a while until I felt my phone vibrate.

Her: "Sorry babe got my phone back, whats up?"

Me: "Just wanted to see how you were doing, sorry we didnt talk last night I was really stressed."

Her: "Its ok, kissing emoji"

Me: "I got a question though. Do you know why (enter name here) was kicked out of (enter name here) house?"

No response. That was a few hours ago to. So Im still waiting hoping that she'll answer because im having a bit of an anxiety attack. I gave in and checked the phone logs. There were a bunch of messages back and fourth between her and myself, her and her mother, her and a few of her friends, and lastly her and the the guy who is staying with us. Nothing incriminating (I need to fix this because I messed up what I was saying) i assume this was the message because it was sent to me at the same time as my friend. only her asking him if he wanted her to pick up something for dinner, which she also sent me. Sorry for anyone one who read it the first time and was confused, thank you for the redditors who pointed it out. So honestly guys nothing major yet. Ill update if she texts back and if I have more to tell. I have a few more ideas of stuff I can do but like I said im not going to accuse until I have absolute proof, I still do not think my wife is cheating I just wana know whats going on. I get off work in about an hour.

Final Update Jan 17, 2016 (4 days later)

FINAL UPDATE: Let me start off by apologizing for taking so long to finally write this post, when shit hits the fan it gets everywhere and takes a while to clean up, so thank you all for your patience.

Alright after my last update I headed home, I was finally going to man up and ask my friend about what I saw on his phone. When I walked in the front door, put my stuff down and headed towards his room. I walked past the bathroom and heard the shower so I figured he was in it so I'd wait for him, I went into his room and right fucking there on the bed next to his bag and jacket is his fucking phone! My stomach dropped again because I knew there was no going back I was going to pick up his phone and figure out what is going on once and for all. His phone had a passcode on it but that was really easy to guess, I tried the '1234' then the reverse and after about 4 or so guesses it turned out to be the year he was born, anyway I went to his photo reel and opened it. I scrolled through a few pics of different things and then I finally landed on it. FUCK. I recognized the shirt and the room it was taken in, she took it, that is a picture that she took, here in our apartment of her upper body. That was my wife, and my friend had the picture of her on his phone. I got really really angry, I couldnt hold it back and I walked over to the door of the bathroom and started banging on it like a mad man. Im yelling his name telling him to get out here. The water goes off and hes yelling out to me asking what I want and I kept saying over and over to open the damn door. He finally does and hes putting on his pants, "What the fuck do you want man, Im getting ready for work." Thats when I dropped the question. "Why the hell, do you have a naked picture of my fucking wife on your phone."

His eyes were huge and he just started stammering, so I asked him again but with more force. "why the fuck do you have a naked picture of my wife on your phone (insert name here.)" He was trying to speak but kept stuttering and put up his hands to try and calm me down. I wasn't going to hit him but man I really wanted to. He just kept saying "wait" over and over. He gained his composure and I swear to god he says "I know your mad," I cut him off yelling "no shit" at the top of my lungs. "Did my wife send you this?" I asked over and over, I was just so incredibly angry. He finally tells me ''no'' and explains what happened. This scumbag piece of shit stole the fucking picture. From my goddamn phone! I dont even know how, but apparently icloud does bullshit like this where it stores your photos even after being deleted. (which reminds how do I disable that and get rid of the pictures.) Anyway he went to my phone and sent it to himself then deleted the message. I cant believe I fucking missed it when I read the phone thing, I didn't even think my texts would be relevant so I ignored them. I asked him if he had anymore and he swore to god he didnt he only had the one, and wanst going to do anything with it. (well not anymore I deleted it) He started apologizing over and over and well I didnt give a fuck. I told him to leave. To get all of his stuff and leave, and that I didnt want to see him again. If he came back he would regret it. different stuff like that. I texted my wife I needed to talk to her ASAP but she again didnt respond. Which is because her phone was dead, not because she was hiding something.

My wife got home like 45 mins or so after the son of a bitch left and when she got in I calmly asked if I could talk to her, she said yes, and then asked if she could plug in her phone real quick since it died at work. She didnt take long and it gave me enough time to think of what I wanted to say clearly. She came in sat down and I started talking. Actually you know what fuck it his name is Hayden fuck that dude I dont care enough to keep his name safe. "Hayden had nude pictures of you on his phone." I wasnt going to accuse I just wanted to tell her and see how she would react. She had a very confused look on her face but the one where you say "WHAT." really sternly. I explained to her all that went down with Hayden and I. She was so angry almost as much as I was, she looked like she wanted to cry and that made me want to cry. She kept asking where he was and what happened, I told her I deleted the pic off his phone when I had it, and kicked him out, she was asking if he had any others, i told her what he told me she doesn't believe that to be truth though, also if there there were legal repercussions for what he did and I told her we would check it out. Secondly I wanted to be open and honest with her, I didnt wana hide anything. I explained what happened over the past day and a half about the first time seeing it and being worried because I recognized it but wasn't 100% it was her, and how I started getting really anxious worried that something went wrong in our marriage and that I drove her away and all these fears, she sat close to me and we held each other, I was in tears over this emotional rollercoaster, I was so stressed, worried, sad, and angry at the same time that it all started coming out. She held me really tight and told me I was a good husband and reassured me that I was good after a bunch of bad shit that went down in our past. She could tell I was so worried and hurt, and she just was there for me. We both just needed to cry I guess, its cathartic and really helped. I dont know what I would do with out that woman, I love her to death. I was really tired and after our breakdowns we didnt feel much like doing anything so we laid down most of the day talking about what we were guna do to fix our situation.

I went over to Haydens ex's house and asked her why she kicked him out and explained the situation with him having a pic of my wife on his phone. Turns out the mother fucker cheated on her. I was disgusted, I never expected him to do that, but after what went on it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. She was pretty disgusted with Haydens behavior and told me a lot of stuff I never knew about him, it was really uncomfortable to hear but she needed to vent. I went to a law office close to us and asked around about the legal repercussions of stealing someones photos. They gave me a number of different options that im going to bring up to my wife, the biggest one that I see working is a law suit.

When I got home my wife showed me a bunch of texts she received from Hayden,(he sent me a few that I ignored) he was more than likely drunk because the texts were so hard to understand, he kept apologizing and would send one every 10 minutes and it was getting annoying. So she turned off her phone the rest of the day was quiet until he came to our door and started begging us to forgive him, I felt really bad, this dude was sorry, drunk, probably didnt go to work, and tired. I told him he needed to leave us alone and we would get in touch with him later, he was ok with that. Im not sure where he went but im assuming it was a hotel or possibly another friends house. Before you ask he didnt drive to our apartment he took and uber thing.

He started pestering us more and this time was getting a bit violent, with threats and different things, this guy was acting like such a fucking scumbag, I tried to be nice but now hes trying to play innocent while threatening us with some of his "I didnt do anything wrong, dont tell anyone or ill fuck you up." FUCK HAYDEN Seriously, He was really pissing me off, wouldn't stop calling us. My wife was worried that he would come over and try and make good on his threats so I stayed with her the entire day mildly worried myself. We both decided we are going to press charges now because of how immature he is being and even threatening us, I thought we could handle this like adults but, now he's bringing it on himself. I want this all to be over. Im tired and want things done, but it'll come in time.

Thank you guys for being there for me on this crazy journey. It really means a lot that strangers on the internet want to help me with my problems. I needed a place to vent and validate my suspicions and just feel like people had my back if it all went down hill. Thank you so much you people mean a whole lot. Aside for the occasional death threats and just weird stuff, I appreciate the messages you would send me so I felt like I wasn't alone. Thank you reddit.

-/u/limberlovemuscle

Also one final thing. Fuck Hayden

FINAL COMMENTS

gfuller23 - Jan 28, 2016 (11 days later)

>How's the progress going on pressing charges? Is he still around and making threats?

OOP

>>He stopped and we have a lawyer working on our case

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I am not The OOP, OOP u/THROWRAajaj28282

My boyfriend loves to feed me my meals everyday

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Feederism, gaslighting, manipulation!<

Original Post Sept 24, 2020

I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten months. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He’s so sweet and attentive. He always puts me first and it’s honestly a fresh of air compared to my past relationships. He’s a chef.

Whenever we went out to eat, he would always love to feed me a bite of his food. I never minded and thought it was cute. When we started hanging out at each others houses, he would always offer to cook and then he would feed me my meal. I told him it’s fine I can feed myself, but he would always insist. He said he loves feeding beautiful woman his food.

Now it’s kinda escalating. He wants to feed me on his lap. I told him that I’m not interested in sitting on his lap and getting fed, Id rather just watch the show and eat my chips myself instead of a whole meal he made. When I say no, he gets a bit awkward and I start to feel bad. But it’s so weird how he loves to feed me all my meals. Why? I know there’s way weirder things out there and the intention is sweet, but I’m started to think it might be a kink or something. I dont discuss the intimates of my relationships with my friends, so I’m on here. Is this weird or sweet? BTW this is a daily occurrence whenever we’re together.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Gunsguy1776

>Im not even a little bit involved in the fetish/kink community and this is SCREAMING fetish to me.

krell_154

>>Yep, the guy's a feeder...

~

ripecantaloupe

>I suggest you look into feederism. It’s a fetish. Id also be careful of your waistline because if he gets off on feeding you, there’s a chance he’ll get off on fattening you up as well. I’ve seen a few stories on here where women have been unknowingly participating in this fetish and don’t realize it until their clothes don’t fit anymore.

OOP

>>I’m naturally thin 110 pounds and since quarantine I gained 15 pounds but I just assumed it was quarantine weight. Feederism? Let me look it up.

Update Sept 26, 2020 (2 days later)

First off thanks to everyone that replied, I read every single one. I didn’t even think my question would get more than a few replies. Someone commented that I research “feederism” and I did, and wow. So much things became clearer and now in hindsight, I’m shocked I didn’t see it earlier. In my defense I’m not a kinky person and I didn’t even know this was a kink.

For starters I’m naturally thin and it’s been a big insecurity of mine because I have no curves, no boobs or butt. I’m 5’7 and when we first got together I was 110 pounds and now I’m 125 pounds. When he first met my parents, he later remarked that my mom being so thin after having five kids is crazy. Looking back he seemed... disappointed? He also tells me all the time that I have the perfect body frame to be “thick”. He noticed my weight gain before I did and during sex he would always caress my waist, hips, and stomach area and tell me I’m looking more voluptuous. He also told me he can’t wait for me to get pregnant because he knows I’ll be even more beautiful and he’ll feed me so much I’ll never snap back. He always said it with a joking tone and a laugh so I thought it was a dumb joke.

I decided that before I say anything to him, let me look up his exes and see if any of them are fat or gained a lot of weight. He’s new to the area and has only been with one girl before me and her instagram page is private and her profile is a group photo so I couldnt tell which one she is. Then I looked up her name on LinkedIn and she has a profile. She co owns a business with her sister whose instagram isn’t private so I searched her up and my suspicions were confirmed. His ex used to be average weight, I would guess 140 pounds around 2018. She’s now looks around 200-230 pounds. I was still in denial and thought maybe she was responsible for her weight gain and not him because I just couldn’t believe this fetish is a thing.

I invited him over last night to watch a movie. I was scared to see him because I know that if I didn’t say anything then, I probably never would have the courage because I’m very nonconfronational. He came over and we watched the movie and ordered food delivery. Our food came and he heated it up in the microwave and plated it for us like he always does.

He kept the two plates next to him and when I tried to grab one, he held them up above his head and shook his head no with a grin, like it’s cute. I rolled my eyes and he grabbed a fork and took a piece of chicken then held it in front of my mouth. I refused to open my mouth so he pressed it against my lips and I pulled back and stood up to grab the plate he was holding over his head. He gave me a weird look and I wanted to say sorry so bad (I know why am I like this?!) but I didn’t. I just grabbed another fork, walked over to my couch with my plate and started eating hoping he could take the hint without me having to say anything.

He came to sit next to me and started eating too, and we just watched the movie for a few minutes in peace. He then took a piece of chicken off my plate and tried to feed it to me, again. This time I said no and he asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong and that I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of eating my orange chicken by myself. He said he knows I’m adult but he just wants me to concentrate on the movie instead of worrying about feeding myself. He then tried to keep pressing it against my mouth that I wouldn’t open.

At that point I was fed up and I snapped at him that it’s weird to constantly want to feed me and I don’t want him to anymore. I did say it in a harsh tone but I was upset.

He tensed up and didn’t say anything and scooted over to the other side of the couch. Then he just stared me down as I ate, literally wasn’t even watching the movie. Even when I would look at him thinking he would look away, he would just stare at my mouth as I chewed. I was disgusted. After I finished my food, he picked up his uneaten plate and told me I could have it. I told him that I don’t want it and he said he’d rather it not go to waste and if I’m too tired to feed myself, he’ll do it. I was fed up AGAIN and I told him that I think we should break up because we’re obviously not on the same page. He asked is this all because he wants to feed me and I said yes, it is. He said that he’s a chef and he loves food and he also loves woman and there’s nothing better than “combining the two”. I felt like an object. He said this can’t be the real reason why I’m ending things and I must be seeing someone else. That he treats me like a queen and most other boyfriends wouldn’t have ever cooked me a meal let alone fed it to me too. I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t until I gave him the “real” reason as to why I broke up with him. I said because you have a feeding kink and he started cackling saying I’m a sick bitch and that a guy showing he loves someone as sad and disgusting as me must truly be some sort of “kink” because no one in their right mind would do it. Then he left and blocked me everywhere.

I loved him before but that conversation turned me off so much and I’m honestly not sad we’re over, I’m actually kind of relieved. I just don’t understand why if he truly has this kink he wouldn’t tell me and ask me to indulge in it? Why would he deny it and block me? Is it because of my dismissing behavior when he tried feeding me?

FINAL COMMENTS

Yserem

> "I just don’t understand why if he truly has this kink he wouldn’t tell me and ask me to indulge in it?" > > Because it's not just the food or your weight on its own. If it were he might be happy to watch you stuff yourself. He wanted to control you, and resorted to defensive name-calling when you showed him he couldn't. You caught him. > > You're well shot of him. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a dickhead.

OOP

>>You’re right. I guess me being in on it makes it less fun for him.

AndDownGoesThe

>>>I had a boyfriend who would buy desserts for "himself" even though he hated sweets. Guess who always ended up eating them? One of the many reasons I dumped him. I always thought that it was to make me fat so no one else would want me. But maybe it was ANOTHER of his controlling tactics.

~

dontbreakmystar

>Maybe he doesnt know he has a kink. Maybe he went through life just thinking he likes it and never thought of it as a kink. Like you said, likely ashamed for it to be a kink.

OOP

>>I thought that maybe he doesn’t know it’s a kink too until I think of his exes weight gain, his comments on my body in the bedroom, and the way he stares at me without blinking when I eat. He must know there’s sexual undertones.

gessabean

>>>He knows. He just doesn't like being rejected for it. If it doesn't do it for you, move on.

Equal-Doubt

>>>>Yeah and he is manipulative and gas lighting. Fuck that guy.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayweirdissue

Girlfriend (24F) wants me (24M) to stop hanging out with her father and refuses to explain why. How do I figure out what is going on?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post Oct 10, 2019

So this is a weird one, at least for me. Anne and I have been dating for a little over an year now. I met her parents when we were 2 months together or so. She always spoke very highly of them and never mentioned any conflict that could have been the cause of the current issue.

I've had some bad experiences with fathers in my past relationships but Anne's father was a nice surprise to have. He's a very cool dude and you can see he truly cares about his family and the happiness of every member.

After I met her parents and got along with them, we would visit them at least twice a month. Sometimes it was Anne's idea and sometimes her parents would invite us to dinner with Anne's siblings. Once again, those were always positive experiences and both me and Anne enjoyed it.

Then one day her father invited me to meet him so we could get some beer. I invited Anne but she didn't want to so I went by myself. He talked about his life, his job, random topics and I did the same. I had a pretty good time so when he invited me the next month I went again. So this became a thing, each month we meet up to drink beer and talk,

Anne never said anything negative about this, in fact when I would come back she would ask if I had fun and we would talk a little bit about it.

I was surprised three days ago to have her come and ask me to stop hanging out with her father. I asked if something had happened and she said that it didn't, she just wanted me to stop. This was something new because we usually talk about everything as openly as we can manage, it was something that we made sure to estabilish at the beginning due to our past experiences. So this is a very strange behavior coming from her.

I tried asking her if they had argued or if he had said/done something to upset her but she changes the subject or flat out tells me to just stop hanging out with him and move on. I don't know if I should ask her father about this and to be honest it is not something that I want to do. Everything is normal unless I bring up this subject. Just today she was talking about her family planning the birthday of her sister next week and it was like nothing was happening.

I don't want to make decisions without knowing what is going on behind them but I don't know how to get the answers without having to bring in more people into this. Anyone could give me some insight?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Editors Note: commenters had 2 alternating theories

Improbablyfromhell

> I think you should respect her, but also not just let this go. > > The first thing that popped into my mind is that she planning to end the relationship with you and doesn't want her dad and you to be buddies to minimise the awkwardness. > > But then again that's just the first thing I thought of.

OOP

>>This possiblity did not cross my head at all. Mostly because our relationship is completely normal as it was before. I will keep this in mind, maybe I will try asking her about our relationship instead of asking about her father.

~

blackandwhitepaint

> We don't know, bud. I'd try to respect it since it's her family, not yours. Maybe they have a feud that you don't know about, and she's not ready to talk about it. There's always more going on in family than you think you know just by looking in as an outsider. If you don't know, and have no real stakes, why not just respect what she wants. > > I have a father who is kind and charming and generous, and misogynistic. He loves to talk to his sons in law about how women suck. His daughters are ok with them all being together, but when the guys are alone together, the daughters get uncomfortable about what kind of toxiic male bonding they're doing, and for good reason I think. Not saying this is what's going on, but she as a daughter probably has better insight and valid reasons.

OOP

>>This is what bugs me the most. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of who they are as a family but now I have to doubt that and I have to worry about what is going on when I'm not there. Is it going to be a thing that will keep affecting my relationship with my girlfriend? Are we going to keep having these weird moments?

Update - rareddit Oct 15, 2019 (5 days later)

So I just want to start by saying that I should probably start paying more close attention to the people around me.

After I made the post I decided the best route was to speak to Anne about our relationship and dig more into the father issue later. To my surprise this time it didn't take long because she just burst into tears. She reassured me that everything was fine between us but there was an issue with her parents and I wasn't supposed to know from her but she is very angry at her father and this was how the issue between us came to be.

Her father is having an affair, has been seeing this woman for 10 months. Anne's mother had no idea something was up until he said he was going out with me for a beer and then later Anne sent a picture of me and her at a party that same night.

Then, he went out twice to meet up with me for a beer which was weird (we only went out once a month) but he told her I was helping him out with an idea for a project he had for their house. Since at this point she was suspicious she started to check with Anne whenever he said he was going out with me.

Things started to get more obvious and Anne's father ended up coming clean a few weeks ago. They broke the news to their sons and daughters but had a special talk with Anne since her father had been using my name in this mess and her mother thought it was only right for him to talk to me and apologize. Anne tried to keep quiet but ended up lashing out which caused the issue between us.

I did have a talk with her father and it was extremely awkward, he apologized and said he hoped we could keep being friends once everything was settled. Don't know about that though.

Anne has also apologized but this has really taken a toll on her so I'm not holding it against her.

Thanks to everyone who replied to the first post, even though most of you made me a little paranoid that I was going to get dumped I still got some good insight.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Makosharkin

Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!physical violence, controlling behavior, verbal abuse!<

Original Post - rareddit Nov 13, 2018

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, I love him and used to respect him but his recent fixation on this dumb subject has really hurt my respect.

So he proposed 1,5 years ago. I said yes. About a year ago he found out his friend had slept with 100 women prior to getting engaged and som how this affected his psyche and purposed an open relationship. At first I was disgusted by the thought but I agreed after he threw a major meltdown.

So I started going out with friends, the first few guys I was so nervous because I'd been with 2 guys (including my fiancé) prior. But after I got over the nerves I realized when there's no pressure to start a relationship, I'm really good at picking up dudes and sending vibes that I'm DTF (I've actually met several off Reddit as well). I've been with 42 guys in the past year. I never thought it would happen but I've enjoyed myself immensely. But honestly I'd be ready to stop.

But as if turns out my fiancé is not good at if and he's had 2 really bad hookups from dating apps. When we were having the "where are we" discussion he had another melt down when he found out how many guys I've been with. He kept repeating "you've slept with 20 times the number I have? 20 TIMES"

I said maybe we should just stop. He said no that he wasn't ready hut now he wants to impose a "rule" that I have to take a break until he gets to 10 and then I can go out and meet someone new every five new girls he sleeps with.

To me this is goddamn ridiculous. Part of the fun of this was the independence and not checking in. Now he literally wants me to keep a log and then when he hits like an achievement then I can do my thing. How shifty is that?

And in all honesty, I don't want a relationship where we have to compare numbers, let alone fuck other people. I want a normal life with kids and a house and dog. What are we supposed to say "I watch the the kids until you fuck five women then it's my night!"

Is it time to just say enough is enough and move on? Is there any hope here?

Tl;dr: fiancé is not happy with the open relationship he started and instead of just stopping it, he wants to add crazy invasive rules.

Edit: rip my inbox with people calling me a whore.

guys wow, glad my best karma every has to do with my sleeping around. I have 1400 unread messages (exactly) and 17 chat requests. I'm almost certainly not going to bang anyone from this thread! and this isn't even my real account! Find my real account on r/needlepoint or r/mma and I'm down. Just kidding...don't do that. my new fav:

[Edited out]

edit 2: holy shit, this just wont die. Wow. Goodnight everyone. fiancé is at his place after a very tense hour or so where he basically called me every name in the book and I just sort of took it. I've gotten the advice I need, it's just the idea of dumping four years of history makes it hard to pull the trigger. I know he wont do it even though he thinks I'm the worst person alive. I hate him but love him. Life sucks. It really sucks.

TOP COMMENTS

rugby_shirt

>Move on

~

Maxxmz

>Honestly, the meltdown at the open relationship was already a pretty big red flag

KING_JELLYB3AN

>>All because some guy said he slept with a 100 girls, probably lying or exaggerating. So he HAS to sleep with more girls... The kid doesn't know what he wants, why would he even propose, what a child. @OP dodged a bullet, but honestly there was probably more signs than this one

~

ExistingSecond1

>It’s pretty well known in the ethical non-monogamy community that women fair much better than guys. A previous partner would meet five guys for every one person I’d meet. It’s a pretty common discrepancy. He should have done his homework first.

Can I post an update? I (25f) am the now infamous "whore" from the post that blew up yesterday. Just broke things off with fiancé (27m). Nov 14, 2018 (Next Day)

So yeah, I guess I made the front page yesterday. I've been on reddit for years and I think my "normal" account has maybe 500 karma and I make the front page for my sex life...yay!

Whatever, well I read responses well into the morning yesterday while my now ex-fiancé absolutely blew up my shit alternating between calling me a whore and cunt, asking me why I disgraced myself and him like that. He also peppered the barrage with things like "what's going to happen to us after this?" I finally fell asleep at like 3 am and should have worked but after finally admitting that I needed to break things off with him, called in sick to work.

Went to finances house, asked to come in, told him we had to talk. He said we did. But as a testament to his fucking out of control ego he prefaced his part of the conversation with "I want you to know in advance, I MAY not be ready to accept your apology." Fuck him.

I planned on being nice but that was too much. I just told him "its over between us." His look of surprise was a combination of pathetic and amusing because even after calling me all sorts of gendered slurs for the better part of a few hours, he still wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He begged me to know "why" I think I told him he had to know why and tried to leave. I had no desire to talk to him so I tried to leave and he kept trying to block me and grab my arm. I finally told him that if he didn't fucking let me go I was going to call the police. He finally relented but as I was trying to drive away he came out and starting punching my drivers side window. It was terrifying but it didn't break. Between leaving his place and getting to mine he texted and called at dozens of times. I just blocked him and deleted the whole conversation without reading it.

Fuck him too because I had the ring in my pocket and planned on giving it back but now I'm too scared to go see him to give it back so I'm selling the mother fucker or getting it melted down.

So that's that. I don't know this will probably get removed but its all good. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at this point. It's been a crazy couple of days

One last update from me (I was the 25f who went a little overboard when fiancé wanted open relationship). Mailed the ring back, started therapy, looking at starting over single for a long time. Nov 17, 2018 (3 days after previous post)

Editors Note: the text is unrecoverable but the title says she sent the ring back

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRA1029374

My partner says the face I make when I climax is unattractive and doesn’t like for me to “finish” because of that

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Misgendering!<

Original Post June 16, 2020

Posting on a throwaway because my partner knows of my main account. Also, I’m posting on mobile so I’m sorry if the formatting is off.

My partner is a female but prefers they/them pronouns which is reflected in this post.

I (20M) have been with my partner (21F) for about two years. During this time it’s been rare for me to climax during sex. I never made a fuss about it before because I figured my partner was just tired after their climax and didn’t have the energy to help me reach mine. My fault for being slow, I suppose. I’d usually either suck it up and get blue balled or go off to the bathroom to finish myself off in private.

I recently read about how relationships where both partners are happy with the sex tend to be happier in other aspects too. I decided to bite the bullet and finally bring this up to my partner. I didn’t even bring it up because of selfish reasons, I brought it up to try to benefit our relationship overall.

I casually brought up to my partner while relaxing watching TV together how I thought sex could be better if we made an effort for us both to finish every time, and how I’d read couples who have great sex tend to have happier relationships. At first my partner got defensive and accused me of saying they’re bad in bed, which I never said. I tried to clarify that’s not what I meant, and (frustrated now at being verbally attacked) shot back with that I feel it’s unfair how I never get to finish but they always do.

My partner basically said that I’m ugly when I climax and that’s why they purposely try to finish before me so that they don’t have to see it. Childishly, I told them they’re “o face” isn’t exactly beautiful either (which I didn’t really mean to be honest) and that EVERYONE pulls a face when they climax. They were adamant that they don’t make any type of facial expression and that I’m just weird. I left and drove three hours away to a friend’s house for the night.

This was a few days ago and I’m home now but we haven’t had sex since or talked about it. I’m honestly really hurt and now feel super insecure. I doubt I could even enjoy sex if we were to have it. How do I bring this back up without it being a fight? I’m honestly okay with not getting to climax in bed at this point but I feel like this still needs to be talked about and resolved. I feel like my partner just thinks I’m ugly and doesn’t even want to be with me. Everything feels super tense between us too and I hate it, even though they’re acting like nothing happened.

TDLR: My partner thinks my “o face” is ugly and purposely doesn’t let me climax during sex because of it.

Edit to add TLDR, our gender, and our ages

RELEVANT COMMENTS

italianancestor

>Why haven’t you broken up with her yet? She literally told you that you were ugly and that she didn’t care if you ever climaxed?! Why are you still with her? She’s a selfish asshole!

OOP

>>Our relationship is really good outside of this one issue. We get along super well, share responsibility around the house without issue, ect. We were super happy until this came up.

~

Daddir

>If she’s staying with you but hates or actively doesn’t want you to climax, she’s not with you for love (imo).

OOP

>>What else would they be with me for though? We split all the household bills 50/50 so they can’t be mooching or whatever. We both work full time jobs.

brindley

> You’re awesome, OP. You’re probably smart, interesting, funny, and caring. You’re a man who does equal housework and encourages your partner to be their true selves. You’re fucking awesome. Unfortunately, that isn’t the problem here. > > Your partner, however they identify, is an incredibly selfish asshole. They are with you because you’re awesome but is rewarding you by secretly keeping you from equal pleasure because they dont like how you look in a moment when EVERYBODY looks awful. > > Seriously, I think the French translation for orgasm is “little death,” or something. No one looks good dying or coming.

~

dldppl

>Wait so it just stops when they orgasm? That seems weird to me.

OOP

>>They lose interest after they orgasm and I’m not gonna keep having sex with somebody who isn’t interested.

SappyLiving

>>>You have a very selfish partner. You are blind if you don't see other issues on your relationship

Update June 22, 2020 (6 days later)

I posted here about a week ago looking for advice about how to bring up the fact that what my partner had said hurt me quite a lot without causing a fight. I honestly didn’t really receive much advice in that aspect, but did have plenty of people point out to me that this was super toxic behavior.

I decided to end things with my partner. It hurts right now, but I feel it is for the best. If they are unwilling to even pretend to care at all about my pleasure in bed, what else won’t they care about in the future? Will my opinions on anything involving my children matter at all, for example?

Two days ago while they were at work and I was home I moved my belongings into the guest bedroom. We are on a lease together so I cannot fully move out. When they got home from work we had a talk in which I broke up with them. They were very upset and asked what happened as they thought we were super happy. I told them it was about the sex thing and they got pretty mad. I was accused of being selfish, thinking with my dick only, ect.

I honestly didn’t feel like fighting so I just sat there and played a poker face until they got frustrated at the lack of reaction and locked themselves in our (I supposed their, now) bedroom. I went to my new room and could hear them crying inside the other bedroom and they just kept repeating “where is his stuff?” over and over. I just put in earbuds and watched Hulu until I fell asleep.

I felt super bad for most of the first day and after that, and replaying the break up over in my head I actually got super pissed. How dare they accuse me of being selfish and thinking with my dick when the whole reason this happened is because they’re fucking selfish in bed and only cared about their orgasms?

Last night I watched porn on the TV in my bedroom pretty loud (which is right up against the wall of their bedroom) for like four hours. I wasn’t really watching it and was actually reading a book/scrolling through social media/whatever else but they don’t know that. I plan to do this every night until I grow tired of it.

I’ve very quickly grown to resent my ex-partner and can’t believe I put up with their shit for so long. I’m super glad to be out of the relationship. We haven’t actually spoken since the breakup and I honestly don’t plan to. If they try to talk to me about anything other than household bills I’m just gonna walk away.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m heartbroken and devastated but I know this is for the better. I’ll eventually pick up the pieces of my heart and find a partner who actually cares for me and loves me. Thanks for helping me see the light y’all.

TLDR: I dumped their stupid ass. My heart aches but I know I deserve better.

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I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/throwRAnjbjm u/throwRA100lbs

My bf says I need to lose weight even though I already lost 30lbs

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming, controlling behavior!<

Original Post July 17, 2020

I(22f) live with my bf(26) who calls me fat even though I weighed 130lbs before I started dieting and exercising.

Even at 100lbs he still insists that I’m not losing enough and that he isn’t as attracted to me as he used to be. I’m trying my best to lose weight but I think losing any more is a bad idea as I’m very skinny now. It’s upsetting when he claims that I’m overweight all of the time even though I completely cut out junk food from my diet and jog for at least an hour a day.

I don’t think losing anymore is safe for me, how should I expect this to my bf

Edit:I’m 5ft

Edit2:I asked out of curiosity how much he wanted me to weigh and he told me around 70-80lbs

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MountainMermaid406

>Lose 200lbs by dropping him in the dirt. This is a serious red flag problem.

OOP

>>I’d lose 156.3lbs

~

Minabell

>You are in a toxic relationship. You are being manipulated. He is trying to control you. Anyone who tries to dictate their SO’s weight like that is abusive and gross.

Update July 19, 2020 (2 days later)

For some reason I can’t access my original throwaway account but I decided that I should still update you guys.

I ended up leaving my bf because if I got to 70-80lbs I would likely die since I’m already starting to feel really bad from my weight. I’m going to quit my daily jogs for awhile and only do it once a week. I have also decided to give up starving myself and eat more then salads so I can gain weight again hopefully I can get back to 130lbs as that’s when I felt healthy.

Thanks for all of the kind comments on my last post as it really helped make this decision.

Edit:even at 130lbs I wasn’t over weight according to my doctor

FINAL COMMENTS

Fox009

>Your health is more important than his demands.

OOP

>>I’m not sure if I’d even live if I went that low

~

nymphomvnivcs

>Wow I’m soo happy you were able to see this wasn’t healthy, him nor starving yourself or getting that small. Good for you seriously I know how tough leaving someone who you know is toxic for you can be but it all gets better. The more you learn to love yourself the more you attract healthy decisions and relationships into your life.

OOP

>>I was already starting to have health issues from being so light, I just couldn’t handle it anymore

nymphomvnivcs

>>>I can only imagine what your body was going through. Thankfully you were able to realize on time! I really wish you all the best on this new journey, you already took the first two steps which is realizing this wasn’t healthy and taking action to change it.

OOP

>>>>Although I might have lifelong consequences since at my weight I couldn’t have my period

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_sistergone

My [26f] mother [50's f] flipped out after they found out I sent my sister's [28f] boyfriend [29m] some of her things after she passed away.

**TRIGGER WARNING: >!Grief!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!positive as possible considering subject matter!<

Original Post Apr 12, 2016

Using a throwaway because my friends and cousins know my main account. I apologize if this gets too long.

Background: My sister (Ann) and her boyfriend (Tom) have known each other since they started college, and began dating during their third year. I watched them support each other through difficult times, and I also saw how they encouraged each other to grow not only as a couple, but as individuals. Basically, they were really happy and great together. Because my sister and I are best friends, I also grew close to Tom and saw him as the brother I never had.

We all lived in the same city near my parents (me at home, while Tom and Ann had a condo together), but Tom ended up getting a great job across the country. They decided to sell the condo and move to the new city. Tom left earlier, and Ann stayed behind to finish up a contract and help pack/move the rest of their things when she was done.

Present: Before Ann moved, she suddenly passed away. Even now, I still don't know how to process her death. It took us all by surprise, and without going into too much detail I can only say that it was unexpected. Her death was a blur to everyone in our family.

I think that Tom took her death the worst though. He confided in me that he was going to propose soon after she moved. When Tom flew home after Ann's funeral, he called me and asked if I could send him some of Ann's things. He wasn't demanding or anything, and said that if it was a bother he would understand.

I thought that the things he asked for were pretty reasonable. He just wanted one of her stuffed animals. It was a matching pair, and he had the second one already. He also asked for her ring. They had purchased matching rings at a popular jewelry store, and it wasn't an heirloom or a wedding band type thing. The last thing he asked for was a scrapbook that they two of them had been working on together.

Tom said that he missed her a lot, and since they were in the process of moving, he regretted not having anything at home to remind him of her. I thought the request was reasonable. Besides, these were things they purchased together. I sent them to Tom the next day, and didn't think anything of it.

A few days later, I came home from work and found my mother sifting through Ann's things. She asked me if I had seen her ring since it was missing from her vanity. I told her about Tom's request and how I sent it away.

She immediately started to freak out. I've never seen my mother this mad before. She started to yell that it wasn't mine to give away, and that I had no right sending off Ann's things to other people. I got flustered and told her that even if I didn't have a right to return it to Tom, it's not like she has a right to keep it. This seemed to make her more mad, and she just kept yelling and yelling about how Ann's things belonged at home.

My dad had to calm my mom down, and I left the house for a few hours. It's been two days since, and my mother hasn't talked to me once.

I'm so confused, and I wonder if I did something out of line? Tom literally had nothing at his place of Ann's. And they're both adults, and technically Tom bought the ring for Ann. Did I act too quickly by sending it to Tom?

tl;dr: My sister passed away and I sent some of her things to her boyfriend. My mother found out and freaked out.

TOP COMMENT

applesangria

> His request is reasonable, and more than understandable. You did nothing wrong. Perhaps you could've had a conversation with her about it beforehand, but honestly those items should go to him. They're personal to Ann and Tom's relationship, not your Mom and Ann's relationship. If you'd had this conversation before you mailed the items, she probably still would've been upset and refused. > > Your mom is grieving, and that doesn't always translate to rational behavior or thought processes, especially if the loss is relatively recent. She will get over this, and in time she'll see the situation more clearly. She's not upset that you mailed the items without asking, she's upset because her child died and she sees those items as her last connection to Ann. > > Sorry for your loss.

Update Apr 17, 2016 (5 days later)

I wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who replied and sent me messages. I didn't get a chance to reply to everyone, but I definitely read every response.

Anyways, after my mom's initial freak out, I tried so hard to stay home and work it out. I knew in my heart that she was only grieving, but even then I couldn't take it anymore. Part of me felt like she was so selfish. She lost her daughter, but so did my father. I lost my sister, and Tom lost the woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.

My mother continued to be passive aggressive, to the point where I felt she was just cruel. For example, I was in the kitchen talking to my dad about whether or not we should unpack Ann's boxes. My mother turned to my father and said, "You ought to keep an eye on (me) in case she tries to pawn off more of Ann's things".

As much as I loved my mother, I needed to take care of myself first. I ended up packing up a few things, and stayed at a friend's house to cool off a little bit. Before I left, my father and I agreed that we should get the family into counseling, and he said he would talk to my mother while I was away.

A few days passed, and my mother ended up calling me. I could tell that she had been crying, and she ended up apologizing. She admitted that it was irrational to try to keep all of Ann's things, and that Tom had every right to Ann's mementos, especially since it was so personal to their relationship. She said that after I left, she realized that she was pushing away everyone around her, and that she didn't want to lose me too.

I asked her why she was so fixated on the ring, and she said that since she saw Ann wear it everyday, she wanted to wear it as a reminder of Ann. She said she felt kind of stupid though, since it was a romantic gesture from Tom, and she really wasn't thinking clearly.

My family has our first counseling appointment next week, and I'm hoping that it'll help us a lot. I also decided to take my mom to the store Ann's ring is from to get our own matching rings. It'll be a different style, but we're thinking of engraving Ann's name or birthday inside the band.

I totally get that everyone is hurting from Ann's death. And my mother is normally a very rational and loving woman. I've decided to move forward from this, and forgive her. I've also been keeping in contact with Tom and trying my best to support him. I believe that he's also looking into getting some counseling as well. Thanks again to everyone who offered their love and support.

Oh, and for the few people who messaged me accusing my mother of trying to sell Ann's ring...I'm not so sorry to report that my family might be a little crazy, but we're not that dramatic!

tl;dr: Mother apologized, family has counseling appointment, and we're working to move forward together.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/lastnamethrow

Both me [33 F] and my fiance [33 M] of five years have almost identical last names, but he is insisting that I change my last name after marriage. This argument is making me consider cancelling the wedding

Original Post Dec 24, 2014

My fiance and I have been together for five years, engaged for six months. We recently started designing our Save The Dates and had a huge argument over me not changing my last name.

We both have extremely generic last names and a good example of what I'm talking about is Shultz vs. Schultz. It is the difference of a single silent letter.

I explained to my fiance that I do not want to change my last name because I am a journalist and all of my work is tied to my current name. If I were to change my name, it would mess up my future career opportunities. Plus, my name is the 'traditional' spelling while my fiance's is the 'Americanized' spelling.

My fiance has told me that he could not fathom having a wife with a different last name, but his only explanation was that it bothered him. He said that it wasn't about tradition, but it just 'felt wrong to him'.

I already offered that our children would have his last name, but we're at an impasse. It just feels like he doesn't care about how this will impact my career or even that we already share the same last name. The argument was such a huge blowup that I don't want to get married if it means having to give in to what feels like an unreasonable demand.

On top of everything, changing my name would be a HUGE pain in the butt, as I would have to probably do everything over and over again because companies are assuming my last name is misspelled (instead of seeing it as my new married name).

---

tl;dr: My fiance and I share the same last name, with a different spelling (ex. Shultz vs. Schultz). He wants me to change mine to his after the wedding, I am refusing. I don't want to get married if it means having to change my name.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

futurecrazycatlady

>If he insists that it isn't tradition, but just that it feels wrong to have different names, he could take yours right? Especially if he isn't in a career that depends on older work. Did you two discuss that option?

OOP

>>It was something that I brought up, and he is adamantly opposed. And ironically, it is for the same reasons. He does not want the work he's published to not be tied to him if he changed his last name.

panic_bread

>>>That kinda tells you all you need to know about his reasonableness, doesn't it? What else is he going to refuse to compromise on in the marriage?

OOP

>>>>Out of the five years we've been together, this is the only thing we have ever not been able to work past. He is reasonable on everything except this and he's said that he feels horrible about it, but he doesn't think he could marry someone without her taking his last name.

~

[deleted]

> I see your point, but at one point you call your last name generic. Do you really want to take the argument to the heights it's going over something you find generic?
> > And, if you're in a fight that has blown up to these proportions to where you think you may not even marry the guy if he doesn't concede then you don't need to get married. When something really big comes up will that be your solution/train of thought also?

OOP

>> It is generic, but my last name is the traditional spelling. If asked to spell either one of our names after hearing it, 99/100 people would spell it the way my last name is spelled, not the way his is spelled. Imagine Michaels vs. Michals or Green vs. Grene. >> >> This is the only major disagreement we have ever had. Things got a bit heated, but it was never to the point of yelling. We each just said our side, couldn't agree, and then went to bed.

[deleted]

>>>But you're seriously contemplating not getting married over it.

OOP

>>>> I will not marry someone who I feel does not respect who I am and my career. >>>> >>>> If that is unreasonable, then I don't know what to say.

Update Dec 26, 2014 (2 days later)

I was planning on updating this yesterday before I went to bed, but decided to wait until this morning. I also had to repost this since I edited a major part of the text and kept forgetting to put the TL;DR in.

I first posted on Wednesday while waiting to leave work. It gave me a lot to think about, so I decided to drop the conversation until after Christmas to think about everything and also to not cause more unneeded stress at the holidays.

A lot of people suggested that I take my husband's last name and keep my maiden name for professional use, and I have one thing to say to you all: I have had my name for 33 years so far and suggesting that I do the one thing I don't want to do (which is change my name in any form) is just really shortsighted. With the difference of one letter, no one would assume my name is different because I'm married. They would assume it's a typo since a letter was deleted, which is far more of a nightmare than changing my name to something completely different.

Moving on now.

As I said in one of my comments, I had already spoken to my fiance's parents about it before I posted. They had heard our argument (we live in the same house, no it's not weird because the house is huge) and my fiance's dad (FIL) had agreed with me. His wife (my fiance's mom, MIL) had kept her maiden name and it wasn't an issue at all.

My FIL had a talk with my fiance on Christmas before I had woken up. I don't know what all the details were, but the part of it was that their family name had been 'Schultz' for hundreds of years before it was changed to 'Shultz' and that my fiance was technically going against centuries of family history by insisting that I change my name (and that he would actually be honoring the family by bringing back the traditional name).

After I woke up, my fiance asked if I would talk with him. I agreed and he and I had a long discussion about the whole thing, the talk with his dad, about why it bothered him, etc. My fiance told me that he loved me regardless of everything and that it just hadn't occurred to him that he was demanding that I change a fundamental part of me. He also added that my stubbornness about the issue is part of why he likes me, because I'm not the type of woman to roll over.

In the end, my fiance and I agreed that he would keep his name, I would keep my name, and our children will be named Shultz but that they can choose whatever they like once they turn 18.

Happy ending :)

TL;DR: We talked it out, I'm keeping my last name, fiance will keep his. Kids can decide if they want to. Communication is key.

FINAL COMMENTS

jacks_not_surprised

>Well done Mrs. Schultz

OOP

>>Ms. Schultz ;)

~

KalSkotos

> "I have had my name for 33 years so far and suggesting that I do the one thing I don't want to do (which is change my name in any form) is just really shortsighted." > > Good, I was so disappointed with all the comments telling you to do that. Interesting that his own family didn't take the traditional rounte, I wonder if he has some issues with his mom about something else that manifested itself that way.

OOP

>> Thanks for that! >> >> As for his mom, it was clear after we kept talking (during the first argument that made me make my first post) that he hadn't even thought about it. He told me yesterday that thinking about his mom made him change his mind, because he had never seen any problems come between his parents that were caused by a last name. After we did some more talking, he let me know that he felt weird partially because it wouldn't feel like a family, but he didn't need to look beyond his own parents to see that was untrue.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pathofuncertainty

Fell hard for the first time

Originally posted to r/XXRunning

Thanks to u/craftysooze for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Apr 26, 2026

Finally happened unfortunately. I was running near an intersection, and a bunch of loose gravel that had accumulated were like marbles. As soon as I hit them my feet went out, and I went down hard. I had a decent cut and some road rash. A (really cute) guy watched the whole thing happen, and came running over with his dog to check on me. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even get words out. Thankfully I wasn’t too badly hurt. The guy met up with me a mile or two later with some bandages, and bottle of water, and a sweet note, and checked on me one last time before he went on his way.

I’ve run in all sorts of rainy, snowy, and icy conditions, but I had to wipe out on one of the nicest days of the year so far…an of course, it had to be witnessed.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

chickenanon2

> Sounds like a meet cute to me! > > (I'm sorry)

OOP

>>I don’t want to freak him out or have him think I’m a weirdo if I reach out.

Oaknash

>>>He gave you his number 👀👀👀. Girl, you might need to reevaluate!

~

Discodemonn

>I'm glad you're okay, but can we know what the "sweet note" said? I really want it to include his contact info haha.

OOP

>> The note said: >> >> “Hope you’re feeling ok! I’ve never seen someone fall so gracefully before. I fell for the same reason just a few roads up, so don’t let this bruise your ego. >> >> If you ever find yourself in a bind during a run, or want a running partner, my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx >> >> Keep crushing it, you’re doing great!”

Murky-Courage2477

>>>You better text that man!!!

Mini Update Apr 27, 2026 (Next Day)

I texted him this morning. I decided to keep it simple and just said “Thank you for being so caring and charming yesterday, and for looking out for me. I truly appreciate the kindness you showed me.”

Update Apr 30, 2026 (3 days later)

Several of you asked I provide an update after I recently fell, and was helped by someone nearby. Here’s a link to the last post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/XXRunning/s/LPO73ElywQ

After I texted him, he replied pretty soon after. After some flirty back and forth I asked him to meet up so I could give him a card and some cookies I made to show my gratitude. We ended up getting dinner that night, and I got incredibly sick halfway through. He came back to my place and took care of me until I fell asleep, and left me Gatorade on my doorstep the next morning.

We went out running yesterday, and I found out he runs a similar pace to me, and on similar routes to me. He had previously worked different hours, which is why I had never seen him before, but they changed recently. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow to go for another run.

Also, thank you to all of you for sharing your own stories about falling. I was so embarrassed in the moment, but I guess those things happen to all of us.

Update: I’m very appreciative of those who replied with concerns for my safety. As someone who experienced a sexual assault in my teenage years, there are some safety steps that I didn’t outline in both my original post and follow up that I had implemented. We ran this morning (combination of road and trail) and then had bagels afterward, and everything went well.

FINAL COMMENTS

Aggravating-Trash922

>Fell hard and then fell hard am I right????!?!?

OOP

>>Not going to lie, I thought about asking him to come over for dinner tonight, but based on how our last dinner went that seems too dangerous! Haha

~

exobiologickitten

>Well now I am INVESTED

swoopybois

>>Same - we expect regular updates please :) :)

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dealing_with_a_Crazy

Me [37 M] trying to deal with [24 F] potential stalker

TRIGGER WARNING: >!stalking!<

Original Post June 5, 2015

So I have what my buddies describe as a crazy dream. I have this really hot new hire that seems to be into me, which would normally be great but she is also super young and potentially a stalker.

Here is the deal. We work in the same building but not on the same project or anything. We cross paths in the cafeteria and in the garage but outside of that don't really interact on a daily thing. Our first meeting was back in April at an office happy hour thing. It seemed to be a pleasant conversation and we hit it off for a few hours and then went our separate ways.

We would cross paths a few times in the hall or the company cafeteria, but would just smile or stop and make small talk. Then about two weeks ago I was sitting having lunch outside by myself and she came and joined me out of the blue. We laughed and joked and then finished up and I went back to work. When I came out that night to leave for work she was sitting on my motorcycle waiting for me. She asked if I would take her for a ride around the block but I explained to her that I only had one helmet and riding in our city without one could get us a ticket. I know weak excuse and my buddies gave me flack for it, but honestly I am weird about safety when I ride. I told her maybe another time then went home. Two days later I am at my gym finishing up and I get a tap on my shoulder. Its the intern! We talked and she told me she just joined, to which I thought nothing about and then I went on my way.

Now I am not going to like, I was thinking of maybe asking her out, but I really don't want to screw around with my job and career just over a hot girl whom I may or may not have anything in common with. I talked it over with my friends and well many feel the same way with a few that live for the moment and others that put more thought into actions. The next day (last week) she joins me for lunch again. We get to talking some more and she told me she wasn't sure about joining a gym but after talking to a few people and seeing that I worked out there she decided to give it a shot. Fast forward to last night where I get a strange knock on my door. I open it up and who is there, you guessed it the Intern girl. She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to know if I wanted to go out for dinner and some beers. Now I am a bit creep-ed out and ask her to how she knows where I live, to which she states she peaked at my employee file (she works in HR as an intern there). I tell her this is not acceptable and ask her to leave because I already have plans to which she apologizes and leaves.

Now I know she is young, so some of this might be impetuous mistakes, but I am honestly a little freaked out by this. I don't know if I should report this to HR (where she works) or let this go. I mean I don't think I've done anything to lead her on, I have not asked her out, slept with her, or even do anything outside of have lunch with her. I'm not trying to get her fired nor ruin my career in any way. One of my friends seems to think if I just went out with her she would calm down, but I don't think I want to encourage the behavior and end up with a dead animal nailed to my door or something. I am not sure if I go to HR and say "hey, your intern is looking into my personal file and showing up where I work out and at my home" if they would believe it. She also seems genuinely nice and sincere in conversation so I don't want to ruin her life if it was just a stupid mistake we make as a kid type thing. I also don't want to assume that because of this she is interested in me then try to have a talk with her and have her come across as if I'm at fault here. What is the best way for me to protect myself and proceed from here? Am I over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing?

tl;dr: Met an intern at company happy hour, she went into my HR file and started appearing where I hang out. Not sure how to deal with the situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Do not excuse this because she is "young". I am 25 and work in the corporate HR world.... I would be fired for doing something as violating as what she has done. Looking in an employees file to obtain and use their information is a huge NOPE.
> > I think it is important to think about this in reverse.... would a 37 yr old woman feel the same as you if a 24 yr old male coworker showed up at her doorstep admitting he looked at her employee files? > > She is a liability to you and to the company you work for. You need to report this, I'm actually shocked you have not.
> > Edit: I would hate to work for a company with an HR advisor/director like her one day. She is willing to cross the line of trust.

OOP

>> Well I just came back from HR. My main concern was because she works with them and that her age and sex it would look like something I caused or take her side. You know how certain departments protect their own or keep it internal. >> >> I spoke to the HR director directly and told her about what has been going on. She asked if I had any proof of any of this, which outside of maybe a few of my friends eating lunch with us, I really don't. She did say she would look at the HR system as that tracks all movement to see if anyone has accessed my files.
>> >> In the meanwhile I am to try to keep my contact with her to a minimum, which is not a problem for me. I can not control if I see her at the gym, but outside of that I have pretty much told HR and now have to wait to see what they will do.

Update June 8, 2015 (3 days later)

So taking a few of your advices I reached out to the head of my department and shot him an email over the weekend explaining my situation and my talk with the HR Director. After that I went about my weekend and put it out of my mind. With that said, there were a few times when my phone would go off I go would get a bit nervous that I would get a message or call from her, but that subsided.

In fact, when I walked through the doors this morning I really had started feeling better about the whole situation; like everything was back to normal. An hour had passed then all of a sudden my department head pulled me into his office and sat me down. He and I go way back to when I first started working here so he told me that he had talked to HR and that he was not allowed to discuss anything with me until they had spoken to me first. He then told me to consider my options before I signed any paperwork, then walked me up to HR.

Now I am a grown man, but I have to admit that the walk and elevator ride up to HR was the most uncomfortable silence and nerve wracking experience I had experienced in a while. It was like being marched to the Principal's office and you were not sure why. My stomach was in knots and thoughts of getting a lawyer or finding a new job started jumping into my head. By the time I had sat down in the HR director's office I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.

The HR director sat me down and went over what I had reported on Friday before leaving for the day. She kept saying that she wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving out any detail or if I had any video or audio proof of what I claimed. At this point I felt like I was on trial for something so I started asking why I would have any of that or be even prepared to document my life in such a way when up till her showing up to my house I had never put anything thought about her being anything other than friendly. She then told me they found that my records had been reviewed as well as others, but I was the only one that had come forwards with anything. As many of you can imagine I was confused at what was going on and a bit scared, so I asked her flat out what is going on.

She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance. The company would not bring up legal recourse against the intern unless I wanted to. There was mention of offers for counseling and such, but I let them know I wouldn't be needing it as nothing outside of her showing up happened.

They let me know I have 48 hours to take all the paperwork to my lawyers and think about what I would like to do. But as of right now I don't think I have anything to worry about. I talked to my director after the meeting and he told me that the company at this time is afraid I will sue, which he doesn't recommend, but I don't have to worry about my job. I told him I wouldn't be pressing charges against her as she had already lost her job and well, I feel like that would be taking it too far. He had a different feeling about it, but also told me that he might have handled the situation differently if he wasn't married and it had happened to him.

Over all I feel relieved and wanted to thank everyone that had given the advice before

tl;dr: Intern Fired, 2 years of free credit monitoring and protection, have to bring documents to lawyer and decide if I want to press charges. Edit Punctuation

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> "She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance." > > Sounds like they are massively trying to cover their asses, and doing a good job of it really. > > Bottom line - you could sue if you wanted to. I personally wouldn't because you really haven't been wronged in any major way and they seem to be doing the right thing by you. Having that kind of lawsuit in your professional history would be bad for you personally.

OOP

>> Well, I already knew I wasn't going to sue unless I got fired. Pretty much I'm one of those guys that isn't out looking for blood or a quick payment. I like where I work, I like what I do most of the time, so I really never would want to do anything except clear my name if things had turned out the other way. >> >> With that said. No I won't sue or press charges, the only thing I plan to do is bring the documents to my lawyers to make sure that I don't miss a clause in legalese that says by accepting this document my first born child will be named bacon narwhal junior and I have to cut my left testicle off with a rusty spoon after Monday. You know... basic stuff.

What were the documents?

> Well, one is an NDA stating standard stuff. One packet is for the identity theft protection stuff. One packet is for the use of the lawyers.One packet is for pursuing legal matters against Intern > > And one Packet is a standard acceptance and acknowledgement of what I brought to HR, what has happened to lead me to this point in my life, what was discovered, what was done, that legally I promise this is all true, etc. > > The last document is the one I have marked for my lawyer to read first because that is the one that while I am certain is standard (I guess, I have never been in this situation before) is the one that I don't want to sign right away. I'm pretty sure that it states that if they get sued by her for wrongful dismissal it was due to my statement and actions.

Final update June 9, 2015 (1 day after 1st update)

One Final post... I don't see this warranting another update post so.

Lawyers reviewed and drafted up a response statement I signed 3 out of all of the packets and submitted the response statement with the 4th /5th (its really not a packet just a sheet of paper).

I know many of you say report her and press charges, but here is the thing. According to my lawyer that kind of makes her unemployable. I'm not looking to ruin her life, but restraint orders and charges pressed makes her really unemployable. I'm not saying this for any other reason as to be a simple human being. The letter I submitted states that I am taking this chance and reserve the rights to press charges / restraining orders for a later date if further contact peruses.

As for the Identity theft and such, I plan to take full advantage of it and have requested a request of proof that there was a breach to my information through the HR department. This I am told is only to be used if I do have my identity stolen so that I can assist with stopping it and from talking to HR this isn't a problem.

I know I need to protect myself, and I realize that this could be potentially dangerous (even more so than the motorcycle riding, snow boarding, or what ever other stupid choices in my life). However I don't feel the need to push the envelope and ruin another human's life. She is already unemployed and may have a hard time finding another job in the field. I don't wish to compound that in such a way as to make her unemployable.

I also wanted to thank each and every one of you that took time out of your day to read this and a special thank you to those of you that gave such great advice.

FINAL COMMENTS

pizza_partyUSA

> I think it's really nice of you that you aren't pressing charges. Granted, I've never had anyone stalking me, so I may feel different if I had more experience. Much like you, I'm sure, I hope her getting fired for it was enough of a shock to make her stop. > > Of course, if she tries to contact you again at all, you should DEFINITELY do something. Your safety is far more important. Her mistakes are her own problem.

OOP

>> Oh, I plan to. Honestly if I came across her say in a grocery store I'm not going to freak out and be like "OMG YOUR A STALKER". If she shows up at my place again then I would be like "Hey, look you seem like a good kid but your going about this the wrong way. Don't come by here again anymore. If you do, if I see you I'm going to have to get a restraining order'. Or something along that lines. >> >> I'm not bullet proof, stab proof, or even poison proof, but I am not going to live my life in fear of 100lb little girl.

~

TheHamburgerlar

> Well then... that escalted quickly.If you're sastisfied with their handling of the situation then you're good. I'm sure it's just a way for the company (espceially big corporate companies) to cover any possible loophole for you to sue. Good job on the way you handled it, I think I would've ended up sleeping with her and been all sorts of shit with HR and lost my job..... note to self: Don't bone co-workers. > > Thanks for the update! Great posts.

OOP

>>Yeah I would be lying if I say that if she hadn't shown up at my place and we had just hung out like we were doing, I probably would have been more receptive to the idea of pursuing something outside of the workplace, especially if she was a short term intern.

nwpeters

> Um, listen. As a guy who was stalked in my 30's, lemme just say this: keep your head on a fucking swivel, bc it is not at all cool when you are walking up to your front door after a long day, and out of nowhere 110lbs. of sobbing lustful confusion tackles you from behind begging to talk/sex/come inside/whatever you want, just so long as you interact with her crazy self. > > Seriously, her showing up at your place when she shouldn't have had your address gave me flashbacks. People like this simply do not understand social norms (or maybe they think they just don't apply to them, IDK). > > SO yeah. Keep an eye out. She may well want to talk to you now.

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My (33 F) roommate’s (29 F) dog is literally killing me

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Abuse of allergies!<

Original Post Nov 29, 2019

I have allergies and asthma to animals. Dog allergies weren’t that bad in the past. I asked her previously no animals, the company who leases property has that rule as well, but she brought a dog anyway. For the sake of not starting fights, I just didn’t say anything.

My allergies and asthma have escalated to me having to be on steroids every couple of months for the past year. It’s gotten so bad that my doctor told me that something now or something dangerous can happen.

The roommate now has been asked to leave by the landlord by March 30th, they signed a contract saying she would do so. Now, it’s looking like she isn’t going to do that or wait until last minute. She’s also been fired from the job that gives us this housing.

I’m dreading this conversation, I know it’s going to be ugly. She has flat out refused to follow any of the rules the company had regarding the dog and controlling the environment either. She was a higher up so they didn’t kick her out right away.

My family lives far away and I have nowhere else to go. I’m thinking of bringing this to the company heads. Rules are obviously not being enforced and I could die as a result.

What should I do?

Tl;dr: My high conflict roommate broke rules of me and company by bringing an animal to live here. She’s being evicted and needs out in a few months but hinting that won’t happen. I’m needing insane amounts of medical attention just to stay alive.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

> "For the sake of not starting fights, I just didn’t say anything." > > You need to stop being a doormat and start advocating for yourself. > > They broke your agreement and contravened the lease. They don't get to be treated with kid gloves. They get to be told to get rid of the dog and/or GTFO. > > Stand up for yourself. This is - as you say - literally killing you.
> > Don't commit suicide by being polite - least of all to people who don't deserve it.

Update Dec 19, 2019 (3 weeks later)

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. It gave me the confidence boost I needed to go to the higher ups.

My roommates behavior had progressively gotten worse after posting. She had stopped bathing the dog to protest being fired and kicked out, (also a fuck you to my allergies), she had stopped sorting recycling and started throwing trash away in the recycling bins, taking other people’s food, and several other things that just make you say WTF?!

I knew after seeing what you guys were saying and seeing that behavior from her, I had to speak up and be so loud that no one could ignore me. I also knew I had to make the hard choice of resigning and moving back home if the company wasn’t going to take my worries seriously.

Since it is company housing, I demanded a hearing with the company heads and the landlord.

I took my visit summaries from doctors appointments and told them how this needed to stop and the move out date needed sooner. If that didn’t happen I would be forced to resign.

They were appalled and they wished I would have spoken up sooner. A mistake I will never make again. They made up a new contract they made her sign pushing the move out date to Jan 25th.

They also stripped her of some company items (phone & computer) they were going to let her previously keep. She’s going to be banned from company property as well after that date. In addition to all of this, the company will be reimbursing me for any medical bills I have because of the dog allergies.

I think this is the best outcome I could have gotten realistically. Thanks you guys once again.

TL;DR update: my roommate got crazier, I went to company heads and landlord, they moved up the kick out date, gave strict sanctions, and are covering any medical bills I have because of it.

Edit to add: They are hiring professional cleaners and someone to clean out the HVAC vents after Jan 25th.

Also if the roommate is still here after that date the company told me they will have locks changed and police escort them out if needed. There’s no wiggle room with this new contract.

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I (24F) am planning to leave my company because a co-worker (44M) is making me uncomfortable.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, bullying, sexual harassment!<

Editors Note: Changed the initials "M" & "S" to Mike & Sully for easier reading

Original Post May 18, 2014

Not sure where to begin or what I'm even looking for, but hopefully you guys will help me analyze the situation and make a wise decision. For those who are patient enough to read this through and offer advice, thank you.

I am an only female in a male-dominated office. For the most part, I'm viewed as a daughter or younger sister because of the age differences, and am generally treated very well by my managers and co-workers. I have a good relationship with each and every one of them, and have had little to no arguments and disagreements.

With one of my co-workers, however ("Sully"), we were constantly butting heads since he was hired. I didn't take to him very well because he refused to treat me like an equal (despite us sharing the same title and position), all the while getting upset because he didn't feel like I was giving him the respect he deserved as an older person. I did give him some respect in the beginning... until he started to talk down to me and act as if he was my superior. My manager even talked to him several times about this, but the friction between us only increased.

Aside from this "respect" issue, there have been many times where he's made me uncomfortable and/or upset. When he could easily ask me to open the window (my desk is located right next to it) he insists on going behind me in an already tight space to open it himself, despite me expressing my discomfort at the proximity. He pinned down my hand on my desk once even though I told him repeatedly to let go (we were conducting a stupid experiment, but by no means did it require physical contact) and once he grabbed my jacket sleeve, pinching me in the process, and only let go after I repeatedly cried out for him to stop.

There have been other events since then (buying me gifts and food, texting me about things that weren't necessarily sexual but still not work-related, hinting at wanting to meet outside of work during conversations, asking me about my ideal type) that could be seen as benign red flags.

While our relationship was slowly getting better as of late (he was beginning to respect my personal space and I was slowly but surely starting to warm up to him) he was starting to get extremely overprotective. I noticed that he would always keep tabs on my location (we work in a warehouse) and occasionally follow me outside, ask me what I'm doing, etc.

Additionally, he had always expressed intense dislike and disapproval for my close friendship with another co-worker ("Mike"/32M), who is married and is around the same age as my older brother. He was one of the first people I met when I was hired, and has helped me out a lot at work, so we have a pretty special bond. No one else in the office has a problem with "Mike" and I--just this dude. He would make comments when I share a can of soda or some candy with "Mike", and get visibly butt-hurt when I don't do the same for him.

Anyway... but it was a recent incident that was the final straw. One day, I got two missed calls from him after work (weird, even for him--he always sent texts). Immediately after, a call from my manager, and after that, from "Mike".

Here's what happened in a nutshell: "Sully" was positive that "Mike" was being a negative influence, and supposedly wanted to keep a married man ("Mike") from seducing an innocent, much younger girl (me). He was parked outside our company building and noticed that "Mike" left work in the same direction as I did. Because "Mike" lives in the opposite direction from me, "Sully" believed that "Mike" and I were having a secret rendezvous, jumped to the conclusion that we were having an illicit affair, called our manager to let him know, and set off a series of events that I'd really be much better off knowing about.

Why? Because it was revealed that he'd been watching me leave work for a couple of days, probably followed me a block or two to "make sure I got home OK." The day after I found this out, I circled the neighborhood and prowled the surrounding streets to make sure I wasn't followed. There's more to this that followed after... but I'll keep it short for the sake of volume.

My entire office shares the opinion that this dude is a psycho, and is unnecessarily obsessed with me. It doesn't help him much that he's much older (twenty years!) and that he's single and lives alone.

My managers would let him go under different circumstances, but because things are stressful and busy at the company, they're reluctant to fire him and hire/train someone new. He's spoken to our managers and told them that he'll never do this again, that he'll keep his actions and behavior under control, and made it clear that he is unwilling to leave. I think my managers are willing to give him another chance (this is his second warning), but I can't stand him. I now hate the sound of his voice, his laugh, and just the sight of him sickens me.

But here's where I'm confused. He hasn't made any direct moves on me, and apparently his defense (after a heated conversation) is that he only wants the best for me, wants to protect me, isn't interested me romantically at all, etc. Am I blowing things out of proportion? I'm not entirely sure what sexual harassment entails, and if his behavior fits the description.

In the case that I need to leave immediately, what actions should I take to ensure my safety? He doesn't seem the violent type, but rather a very insecure man who gets hurt easily and takes things very personally.

Any suggestions and insight would be much appreciated.

TL;DR - Am I being stalked by my co-worker? Am I overreacting?

TOP COMMENTS

zizzymoo

> Your company must be in desperate straits if they haven't fired him yet... this is a workplace harassment lawsuit waiting to happen, and there's no way your bosses don't realize that, which is why I say they MUST be in desperate straits. No way they keep this guy on, otherwise. > > You're not overreacting, and to be quite blunt, you hold an enormous amount of power right now. That's a blessing and a curse... because if you don't wield that power responsibly, you're going to be out of a job as well. > > I really think you need to speak with an attorney... just to cover your bases. I think you need someone who is both experienced with this situation AND knowledgeable of the law advising you... not Reddit.

~

kawoomba

> Just mention "harassment", "feeling unsafe in your workplace environment", "bosses' responsibility", "lawyer friend told you you should push your legal rights if your bosses can't protect you" and "obviously wanted to talk to you first, you are great bosses and I strongly believe you'll resolve this without lawyers getting involved." > > See what happens then.

Update May 24, 2014 (6 days later)

First of all, thank you for all the feedback. Original post here, for those interested.

The owners of the company I work for caught wind of what was going on, and each of them (both women) called me in separately to hear my account of the story. Apparently he made multiple people uncomfortable with his unsettling and oftentimes rude remarks--male and female--but they were all fairly mild cases. Mine happened to be the worst and most severe.

One of the owners luckily understood my situation since she dealt with obsessive admirers when she was a young woman, and prioritized my safety over his job security. Although my manager gave "S" a second chance to see if things could work out between us and if we could continue working together, it was decided that he would be dismissed from the company and has been given a two weeks' notice.

The lingering concern is that since "Sully" is much older, that he would be unable to find a job. The owner told me that before entering this company, "Sully" had been unemployed for nearly eight months; I do feel somewhat responsible for the outcome, especially since it's so difficult finding a job nowadays, but my superiors have reassured me that there have been complaints about his work performance in addition to his behavior.

In the meantime, I'm just focusing on my work and getting my own shit done properly. I haven't taken any of the legal action recommended to me in my previous post, but I definitely do so once I gather enough evidence and if said evidence is enough to warrant a restraining order.

Thanks again, all. Hopefully this guy will be out of the picture forever.

TL;DR - Creeper will be chucked.

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