u/Rude-Ingenuity3210

We’ve been together for 10 years (31f & 40m) and I met him when I was young and didn’t have much experience with other men. I’ve always been pretty sexually open and always interested in open relationships but never brought it up bc I know he’s not.

We have a strong relationship and a pretty good sex life. I casually mentioned the idea of an open relationship and he took it personally even though I assured him it’s not personal. After we calmly talked about it I let him know I wouldn’t bring it up again because it upset him but then he started joking about it here and there the next day.

I’m hoping I planted the seed for it to be something he’s interested in bc I really want it but I’m not going to bring it up again or push it.

Has this happened to anyone and their partner eventually came around to the idea? I’m hopeful but not sure he would ever be ok “sharing” me.

** I should’ve worded the post differently I guess but what I’m asking is if every single monogamous couple who has brought this up to their spouse is immediately met with acceptance for the idea? What does opening a monogamous relationship ACTUALLY look like?

I want to emphasize it’s not something I will bring up to him again

My (40M) wife (43F) and I opened our marriage 3 months ago after having many casual chats about it over the last 11 years. Those early chats were about a MMF threesome or just creating a space for each of us to explore bisexual encounters. They have since morphed in to dating, flings, going with the flow etc. Well one day a few months ago we came to an agreement over breakfast. We both want everything on this new menu but we’ll start separately.

Fast forward to now, I had a one-time bi experience, and a few dates with 2 women, 1 of which is blossoming in to something with substance, though nothing sexual yet. My wife has hit it off with an acquaintance that we both know, he’s shy, very nice and respectful. He was so worried about talking with my wife that I had to explicitly tell him to please take her out and show her a nice time, whatever that looks like. They’ve had a couple of sexual encounters and a few dates.

A few things my wife either doesn’t like or just doesn’t do are important context here: giving head, receiving head, and kissing/making out. Takes a lot of foreplay out of the equation for us, which is problematic for me, I like those things and I like to get warmed up. More often than not over the last 7-8 years, when she “initiates”, our sex has basically been scenarios where she just takes off her clothes and gets in a position and frankly, I frequently lose my hard on or just can’t get there to even get started… it’s like I’m expected to be rock hard and ready to go with little to no stimulation. Further, she hasn’t put me in her mouth since forever, occasionally she lets me quickly lick her down there, and I also can’t remember the last kiss with tongue between us.

Now I am well aware that we are not sexually compatible. Unlike almost every other aspect of our relationship, it’s one area we never really gelled as we both lean submissive and just have different preferences, we don’t enjoy a lot of the same things. That’s all fine and a different problem that I’ve mostly accepted and we’ve talked it through a number of times, part of the reason we’re open. However, during my wife and her partner’s first sexual tryst, all of those things took place by her account. There was kissing, a brief exchange of head, and sex. I was certainly bothered but can also understand, it’s a new person, the first new person for her in 11 years, it’s exciting! I totally get it and was like “ok, not crazy about it but I certainly understand based on the context”. Then last week, she and her partner are texting and she was looking to me for help on wording “I want your c**k in my mouth” to something more subtle, to text to her partner. This kind of stings… I’ve felt for some time now, at least a few years that it’s quite possible, even likely, that my wife is no longer physically attracted to me anymore. I have felt unattractive to my wife for some time, and logically, it stands to reason that the reason she doesn’t want foreplay, kissing etc. is a direct result of us just being like best friends now, with no sexual spark, why would you kiss or do foreplay with someone you’re not attracted to? You’d probably just want to fuck and be done with it. While I am and always have been very attracted to my wife, it’s dwindling, perhaps feeling unattractive in her eyes makes me less attracted to her, if that makes sense? There have also been some things that have happened with her partner so far that I consider to be inconsiderate of me (timing of dates-short notice, she invited him to an event with our friends that I felt was weird, he came over very late recently and they just took forever and I just wanted to go to sleep and we didn’t sleep together that night-haven’t talked this one through yet but I’m pretty upset about it). For reference on my end, every date has had at least 3 days notice, I haven’t invited anyone in seeing to things I do with my wife or friends, and I feel that I genuinely consider my wife’s comfort during my planned dates, making sure she has something to do or is aware of my intentions for the evening.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than to pour my thoughts out and maybe someone has some great wisdom to help me work through it but… I’m left thinking about whether I can handle a domestic partner lifestyle, someone who is more a best friend than a wife/lover. Can I handle being with my wife if I can logically deduce that she is not physically attracted to me anymore? I can’t really prove that she isn’t but More Than Words is one of my favorite songs because, in this scenario, how would I know that she’s sexually attracted to me if I took those words away? In a way, being open has spotlighted a possibly fundamental flaw in our marriage, one that raises other questions and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to confront them. She’s my best friend, an amazing partner, I truly feel like she saved my life.

When we met, I was making $30g a year with no ambition to do better, I was out of shape, I was deeply insecure and ashamed of my sexuality. Now I am in the best shape of my life, people tell me I look like I’m in my early 30’s all the time, I have a legit career, I embrace my sexuality and look pretty damn good doing it. I’m taking control of my mental health and am proud of the caring, empathetic, communicative, confident, nurturing, and emotionally intelligent man I am today and I credit her with almost all of it.

A smaller issue with our relationship is money, always has been but nothing that has been a major issue. But I can’t stop my brain from considering, financially, would I be better off just going alone from here? Neither of us are great with money but she definitely spends more than I do. So in essence, I’m thinking about how I pay for at least 50% of the dresses, skirts, makeup, nail and hair appointments, tanning, shoes, and more for her to look good for other people… I know it sounds petty and like I’m an asshole… I’m out of steam on this, and again, I’m not even asking for help but I just wanted to put this here and hope someone can show me a different perspective. I feel better already just dumping this. Thanks to anyone who read this far!

Update: Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and discussion points. You have given me a lot to consider. I appreciate that so many of you have shared your experiences with similar situations.

There has been a second wave of responses [perhaps my post has reached the general public (i.e. less open-minded) outside of this sub] that have assumed malicious intent on my part, and are assuming that I'm trying to trick or manipulate my husband or create a situation that would harm him for my benefit. Some even say that I have cheated and want his permission to continue. That is completely incorrect. I have never cheated and would never cheat.

The entire reason I posed this question is to see how to best handle this situation in a respectful and ethical manner, so that all parties are leading a fulfilling life. My husband and I are both very open-minded people, so I thought it would be beneficial to consider possibilities outside the societal norm of simply separating.

A big thing I'm realizing thanks to some thoughtful commenters is that my husband may feel forced to make a decision that he is not actually comfortable with just to prevent the separation. I think couples therapy with an open-minded counselor that is accepting of ENM and/or non-traditional relationships may be the best way to work through all of this.

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Original post:

Has anyone here opened their marriage, but no longer has a sexual relationship with their spouse?

ETA: I would love to hear from others that have experience with this type of non-traditional relationship dynamic - whether it went well or went badly

I am interested in staying with my husband and remaining partners in running a household and raising our two young children together, but I am no longer sexually attracted to him and do not want to continue that part of our partnership. [Redacted info about my own sexuality as I don't think it's necessary to have the discussion]. I am not interested in seeking new to sexual partners for the foreseeable future.

I want him to have the great sex life that he deserves. The thought of him being in a sexual or even emotional relationship with another person does not bother me at all.

Has anyone been successful (or not) with this dynamic and would like to share some insight?

This discussion assumes he would want to stay in a relationship like this. Obviously I know that he may not be comfortable with this and may simply want a divorce when I bring it up. I'm just curious if something like this has worked for others.

ETA: I'd really love to hear from people who have tried something similar (successfully or not) or have other insights into open relationship dynamics. Disrespectful comments from those who have no interest in discussing the dynamics of an open relationship are not adding anything of value to this conversation and will be reported/blocked.

Alright so I’m a drama queen but here we are. I’m studying Ancient Greek this summer and I’m looking for an ink that vibes with wine dark seas. Right now I’m leaning towards writer’s blood, but I’m thinking it’s not purple enough. Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?