u/Mariamnd06

My wife and I recently discussed opening our marriage. During our follow-up, a significant detail emerged that has me concerned.

She has a crush on a former coworker who recently confessed he has mutual feelings for her. She had talked with me about her feeling for him in the past and initially I had no reservations to her exploring this, until I learned he is married and not in an open relationship. Their marriage is reportedly "not in a great place," and he is not being transparent with his spouse.

My wife has always been vocally critical of cheating, maintaining that if you can’t be honest with your spouse it’s better to separate than go behind their backs. Seeing her turn a blind eye to this person’s lack of transparency is jarring. I’m worried she isn’t thinking this through, and I’m uncomfortable with our first experience in CNM involving a situation that isn't ethical.

I don’t want to micromanage who she sees, but this feels like a shaky foundation for opening up. Am I overthinking this, or is this a valid "red flag" for starting CNM?

tl;dr - sorry, turned out way longer than I thought. Here's the short version: poly for 6+ years, in the beginning agreed with my partner that I'd rather not hear the details of her sex/play with others partner. Today she told me details about sexual encounter (she got double penetrated by other partner and other FWB), my mind made a mental image, have been fully turned off / unattracted / even disgusted perhaps (???) with my partner since then. Feelings are quite strong (not jealousy), even though rationally this puzzle was solved 6 years ago. Does this mean fundamentally I have an unresolved hang-up with poly, or am maybe fundamentally less (okay with) poly as I thought?

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I've (36M) been with my current partner (32F) for 6.5 years now, and we were poly from the start. "Kitchen table polyamory" we call our variant, non-hierarchical but with the constraint that every romantical contact must be okay enough with each other to at least be able to share dinner at the kitchen table every now and then (meaning if someone has a strong dislike for someone new, we discuss this and while we won't 'veto', we do strongly take each others feelings into account).

Sexual partners / play partners, not so much, they can come and go but I for one am not interested in socializing with them. Like at all. I'm an introvert and really don't care about meeting new people multiple times a year and invest precious energy while they might disappear 2 weeks thereafter, especially not if the only reason I ever see them is "because they're having sex with my partner."

My partner initially really liked sharing everything about every thing she did and anyone she was with. In the beginning of our relationship I have voiced that I'm not particularly interested to hear the details about her play with others, be it BDSM or sex. While I'm happy that she's having fun and finds fulfillment in certain areas I'm less interested in, I felt unconfortable hearing the nitty-gritty.

Since then there have been moments where she voiced that my 'disinterest' (as she calls it) in her other partners made her feel like I maybe deep down wasn't okay with poly after all. Actually, a few years in this became a bigger trust thing that started triggering her anxiety a lot. At times this made me feel pressured to casually ask questions when she talked about her encounters with others - which in some instances effectively came down to asking details about her sex and play - to avoid falling into the trap where stopping her would cause an argument where I would have to defend my 'poly-ness' to ensure her that I was not suddenly going to leave her if she had sex with someone else.

What probably didn't help is that I have not looked actively for another partner in the past 6 years, or dated for that matter, except for having sex with one girl and some lewd stuff with another. For me this was enough and I certainly wasn't looking for another full time relationship.

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Anyway, apologies for the lengthy pretext. Today something similar happened again. We hadn't seen each other for a while, and while taking a shower together she was updating me on her week. She dropped something about an encounter she had with "John" and "Fred" (1 new relationship + 1 FWB) and then fell silent and 'jokingly' 'teased' me about me never wanting any details anyway so if I wanted to know more I'd have to ask.

She was being a bit weird about it, and there was some tension in the air. I felt uncomfortable about it but against better judgement did play ball, asking something along the lines of "must've been something extraordinary if you say it like that?". Turns out she had a trio with John and Fred. Ok, good for her. Then some more details came out. Turns out she tried double penetration. Then the inevitable thing happened - a visual image formed in my mind with the faces of John and Fred and her in the middle. What I felt was not jealousy - I had felt that in the beginning of our 6 years somewhat regularly, and this was not it. I felt.. Unattracted, but with the snap of a finger. The image kind of disgusted me. I think in a matter of several minutes, my own little "johnny" went from half mast to actually shriveled up as if I'd just had a swim in the cold ocean. If you know what a fetish is (as I do, I have a very big one though very unrelated), let's just say there is one absolute anti-fetish I have which is 'cuck'. This image in my mind, I think, felt like cuck.

The next detail came out a few seconds later, apparently the condom had slipped off when one of them pulled out, so she had to report that there had been unprotected contact. This was the thing she had been uneasy about, hence the tension in the air. She needed to share a lot more details to explain how tf that even happened (I instantly thought the guy bullshitted her and took advantage, but this is not relevant to the story), which certainly didn't help with the mental picture.

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Right now I'm home, on my own, and this whole thing is resonating in a bad way with me. "What is cuck even", "Why do I hate cuck so much", evolving to "does hating cuck mean I am not okay with her having sex with others" and finally ending up at "was she maybe right all along that i'm not actually poly and am instead just 'tolerating' poly by avoiding talking about her sexual experiences"? Does me avoiding images of her having sex mean I am at some level fundamentally just not okay with it, even though rationally I solved that puzzle 6 years ago and concluded there is no rational reason why any of that should affect our own relationship?

Rationally, I've known for 6 years that I'm okay with her having fun with other people, and I have never told her otherwise. When we did have discussions about it, it has only been about unprotected sex with others (boundary for me - or I suit up myself). But now, it does seem to have a real effect. Even though I know that there is no reason for this knowledge to change anything between us, I felt extremely 'unattracted', had no desire to have sex for the rest of the day despite not having seen her for a week, and currently I still don't.

I've had a similar feeling a few weeks back when I came home and found uncleaned toys in the sink that she'd been using with "John" that day. I knew John was there, I knew John and her had sex, I had no ill feelings towards that up until that point, and then I inadvertently saw an image of him penetrating her with that toy in my mind and went "owh" internally, instant turn-off, and have avoided that particular toy since. (That night actually turned out into a disaster, since she noticed that I wasn't touching her, leading to a big emotional thing about how she felt guilty for leaving the toys out and how unsafe it felt for her that I avoided touching her that evening.)

Is this recognizable to anyone, or does this more look like I have a more fundamental unresolved hang-up with polyamory that I have apparently not confronted myself with before now? Should I be able to hear the details and not be actually fundamentally disgusted with my partner? I kinda start to feel like she might have been right all along..

Hi F26 and my husband M30 have been married for two years and were in an open relationship while we were dating so we’ve been doing so for quite a while with no issue.

The other day he asked me how many people I am currently seeing which he has never done before, we normally never discuss who we’ve been with, and I told him the truth seeing no harm in that. I told him I am seeing three guys and a girl. At first he thought I was joking and once he realized I wasn’t he looked shocked. He then went on to say he normally doesn’t ever have more than one other partner at a time. After that conversation I could tell he was really jealous not upset or anything just jealous.

Now he is saying we should limit how many people we can each see at a time which is not going to fly with me. I’ve always been with at least three people at once the last five years and I’m not changing that. My husband has never had an issue meeting women so it seems to me he just doesn’t want to put in effort of being with more people at a time than his usual.

He’s dropped it now but he’s obviously still jealous though I’m not going to bring it up again. He’s never been the jealous type so I found it all really strange. Has anyone else experienced this before?

I (M45) have been seeing a woman (F42) for over five years now. We were both married when we met, but open. My ex, who was a big proponent of opening our marriage, had major jealousy issues with my girlfriend, even though she was more than happy to date several other partners. It always felt like a huge double standard to me. Our marriage ended for that and various other reasons.

In the years since, my girlfriend and I have continued to see each other and enter into a serious relationship. We would both sometimes see other people, and she remained married. Still, there were major jealousy problems. My girlfriend did not like me dating other people, even when I pointed out that she was still married and sometimes saw other people too.

Now she and her husband are separating. She expressed an interest in becoming monogamous, but I haven't been willing to commit to that yet. She's still married and trying to figure out what will happen with her marriage, so while she is figuring out her home situation, I began seeing someone else casually.

My girlfriend has had major problems with this. She says that it hurts her that I'm seeing someone else, but she doesn't feel it's fair to ask me to stop. She has continued to occasionally play with others, including a very close friend of hers. I've made it clear that I have no issues with that, and that I don't feel any kind of jealousy. She seems hurt that I don't feel jealous, and feels sad that I'm continuing to see someone else even though I know it hurts her.

Once again, I find myself in a relationship where there feels like a huge double standard. She continues to see other people on occasion, but she always has an excuse why it's different.

We've had many conversations about this. She has admitted that her jealousy issues are because of her own past trauma, and acknowledges that she doesn't handle it well. She tells me that I shouldn't change my behavior, and that when she gives me attitude about seeing someone else, I should just let her have her feelings and not let it get to me.

But it's exhausting. I'm tired of having the same old fights and discussions. I'm losing faith that ENM works.

Disclaimer, my partner and I have been together for a year and a half and have always been open (sexually, never romantically). We date together and separate and we now have a bit of experience in both. It was something we both wanted before we had even met each other.

My partner has been seeing someone for the last year and I’ve really struggled with it. In the beginning I would have full blown panic attacks and be a bit compulsive and emotionally reactive. I have since gotten better and I have seen some improvements as has my partner but I still feel as though it’s a work in progress.

Weirdly, sometimes when my partner tells me they’re meeting up with this person I’m okay, not 100% but still okay. However, my partner is seeing this person tomorrow and all of those feelings of resentment towards the other person and fear of rejection have been brought back up but the biggest feeling of all is just pure sadness. I’ve had it a few times before but not like this. It’s not all intense anxiety, it’s not even all jealousy it’s just this really sunken feeling and this urge to just cry.

Is this some sort of stages of grief situation or is this not normal? I love my partner and everything about our relationship but I’m scared my mind will never settle.

My gf (26F) and I (31M) have had a very sexually open relationship since the beginning. We met talking about kinks and we’ve always been extremely honest with each other. We’ve done swinging with couples, played with single men, single women, and most experiences have been positive. Our sex life as a couple is great and we have a strong connection.

Recently we met up with another couple and the experience wasn’t good for her (she didn’t like the guy and felt uncomfortable). After that, she told me she felt a lot of jealousy seeing me giving affection and attention to the other woman. It’s not fear of losing me or me falling in love, but a strong discomfort just from seeing the act itself. She said she never wants me to be with other women again.

However, she still wants to continue seeing other men. I can understand her jealousy and I’m okay with foi sing only on men, because that’s actually the dynamic that turns me on the most. The problem isn’t that I’m desperate to be with women all the time. What’s bothering me is the permanent ban and the asymmetry of the situation.

I feel frustrated, a bit trapped, and unfairly treated. It feels like the rule only applies to my side. If the roles were reversed (me feeling jealous and forbidding her from seeing other men), I’m almost sure it wouldn’t be accepted so easily.

Has anyone been through something similar? How do you deal with asymmetrical jealousy in non-monogamy? Is it normal to feel this way even though I actually prefer the dynamic with men? I’m worried that if I just swallow this, resentment will build up later.

Thanks for reading.

I just need to rant for a hot minute about other men in the lifestyle for a sec (I'm m 34).

Half the posts on here are guys like having their eyelids ripped open to the fact that they aren't as desirable as they thought, dating is a challenge for them but not their wives, and if you add in ANY complicating factor (i.e. living in a rural area) it gets so much worse.

Yet like 75% of you guys don't "let" your wife/partner sleep with other men, and like 99% of the ones who do, only do it if they get something out of it too, whether it's watching, seeing a video after, or swinging.

We don't have much of an ENM community in my area, we do have a bar that's poly friendly so a lot of people go there. I go there one night, met a woman, having a great conversation. Mention I'm poly, she's like "awesome me too!" We trade numbers, chat quite a bit over the next couple days, I started talking about meeting up for a date. I'm not shitting you when I say this, her husband is "only comfortable with her seeing other men if he gets to fuck someone at the same time she's getting fucked, so could I bring my partner and we could swing, a female friend, whatever I want" as if that was like REMOTELY reasonable. Mind you, her husband has literally never even seen my partner, nor has she seen him, much less built any amount of connection. Fuck *I* have never seen nor talked to her husband.

Shit like this is SO. FUCKING. COMMON. Guys, fellow men, what the fuck? Do some fuckin work. Like I get it, I asked for my partner to only see women when we first opened up. Made the mistake too, mea culpa. But Jesus fuck, grow. It's hard, but worth it.

Just to get in front of the "swinging is a valid _____" yeah, I don't have a problem with that, swing all you want, not fucking piggybacking on your wife's charisma and having HER potential partner bring someone you've never met who would end up being *your* dance partner for the night.

/End rant

My wife (31F) and I (30M) have been married for seven years now and have two kids (6 + 4). We’ve known each other since 8th grade but didn’t date until our junior year of college.

Prior to us dating, I only had one girlfriend. However, we both worked in a church throughout HS so we never did anything sexually. We went to different colleges and broke up after our first semester of college because she found some else. I made a few attempts to date after that but unfortunately I missed Flirting 101 so it never really panned out.

My wife had a long time boyfriend throughout HS and dated a couple guys in college after they broke up. She had fooled around with them but never went as far as penetration. I had never even seen a girl naked. In real life anyway. Until we started dating and became sexually active our senior year. We got married the day after graduation, had two kids, and were each other’s only.

I had times of feeling like I missed out. Especially since my best friends in college definitely weren’t missing out on anything. My two male best friends both had slept with 20+ girls by sophomore year and my female friends had plenty of interesting stories. I never really shared these feelings but apparently the wife felt them too.

After our second kid, I resigned for my pastor job and we stopped being religious. Eventually she requested that we look into ENM. Wasn’t thrilled by the idea of dating seeing it went so great for me before, but she convinced me about how much I’ve changed. Anyway, we opened up near the end of 2021. Nothing changed much for a while but then she started going out on dates.

This wasn’t fun for me. At first, I just mopped around when she wasn’t here. Eventually, I tried to compete with the guys. (Really just one guy she was seeing regularly.) Started going to the gym and lost 40lbs. Put on some muscle. Upgraded my style. Got 4 ear piercings and some tattoos. Got a new haircut. Started experimenting with fragrances. I even got a more masculine job (firefighter) but none of that mattered tho. I was still alone multiple nights a week. Our sex life hadn’t disappeared but it didn’t ramp up after doing these things either. It was pretty much all the same.

Dating has gone about as well as it always has. I’ve gotten a few matches here and there but it always fizzles out. We live in a moderate sized city and don’t have any clubs or anything so just going out isn’t really a thing. I’ve rewritten my bio and changed my picks countless times. I’ve tried various intro messages from casually referring to their profile to curated jokes. At the most I’ll get a few messages back and forth and then ghosted again.

Currently, my wife and I have been fighting. I went to a bar with a friend. He and his wife are the last marriage I officiated and the only ones that know we are open. In a moment of drunken frustration, I didn’t think my wife loved me and that she settle for me since her ex before me cheated. And that’s why we are open. Ofc, this got back to my wife. I know he was concerned but his wife told mine what I said and now I have that to deal with. So now she’s either with her boyfriend/fwb or pissy at me.

Friend suggested marriage counseling but between the wife my mother and apps, I already have enough people telling me how disappointing I am.

Anyway, now I’m starting to sound like an incel or something. The kids are with grandparents and wife spends the first and third weekend with the other guy. So I’ve been home alone and drinking a bit. I don’t usually but I was off this weekend so figured who cares.

Question is, when does this whole thing get easier? I know I missed my prime and lack the skills to date so I’m not expecting much on that front. But the dynamic with the wife kinda sucks. Being alone all the time sucks. I got married so I wouldn’t have to do this anymore. Is there a point where this starts being fun? Or does everyone just convince themselves that it’s great because it’s more evolved to do so? Maybe it’s just a winners and losers game and I’m just not on the right team.