u/PukeyOwlPellet

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/brentonthe posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 5th April 2026

Update - 2nd May 2026

AITAH for letting my boyfriend date his ex

So me (31M) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for about 8 months. He had told me that he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. I let them know that I do not have any interest in being poly. He kept bringing up the topic and wanting to open up the relationship. Finally about three months ago, I said I would try it. I said as long as there was communication and he let me know ahead of time that we can try it. My only thing was that I had Mondays and Tuesdays off, so those are our days.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I find out he has a couple of hangouts planned. And I asked about details of the hangout, and it was this guy (we will call Alec) and he was going to take him out to breakfast and pay for everything. I told him that that was a date. My boyfriend told me no it wasn’t and that it was just friends. He said that this was an old friend and they were gonna catch up. Now here comes the kicker, this was planned on a Monday. I’m off Monday. I let him know this and he said he forgot and he thought I was gonna be sleeping. (background.: I work overnights and I get off at 7:30 AM on Monday. I stay up all day Monday and go to bed at a normal time Monday night. And this is every Monday.) I let it go and told him to enjoy his day.

A couple weeks later was my birthday. I was super excited because one of my love languages is gifts. I love giving gifts and I love receiving gifts and my boyfriend knows this. I know this kind of sounds shallow, but even if it’s homemade and doesn’t cost money, I will love it regardless. My birthday fell on a Monday. I get off work and find out he has plans to meet up with another guy. I thought maybe this was a cover-up so he can get a gift. I was wrong. He admitted to me later that he forgot until my roommate texted him letting him know that it was my birthday and if I was gonna do something. Mind you this was already about 1 PM that he realized it was my birthday. He ran out and got a store-bought cake and some flowers. In my mind, this was strike two, but I let it slide. I was honestly very hurt. We had a big argument, and I thought we had come to another understanding that Mondays and Tuesdays are for us.

A couple weeks after that was Valentine’s Day, on a Saturday. I was really excited and I planned out a whole thing. I had a letter for each hour planned where he would open it and find a love message from me. There were some that had gift cards attached to them (DoorDash, Steam, PlayStation store,etc). His love language is words of affirmation. Some of the love letters were words of affirmation. I was super excited. The day before he lets me know he has a hang out with another guy planned. I was really hurt to be honest. I let him know this and he said that he would be back by the time I was up sleeping. (background: on my work week I get home around 8 AM and go to bed until 12:30 PM. And then I take another nap around 6 PM to 10 PM.) I said OK and waited for him. He didn’t end up coming home until 4 PM. I decided to sacrifice my sleep and stay up to have a Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend.

In the next month, I found out he had reached out to two more of his exes. He wanted to go on a weekend trip with one of them and the other one he was talking to over discord. Mind you the one he was talking to you over Discord broke his heart, and he’s still in love with him. The one over Discord does not have feelings for him whatsoever. The one that he wanted to go on a weekend trip with we will call Eric. He stated that Eric was going to order an Uber for him to his house and he’ll Uber him back at the end of the weekend trip. Mind you the Uber is about $110 one way. Eric was also going to pay for all his food and of course weed for my boyfriend. I felt super uncomfortable with this. I had asked to meet with Eric just to feel him out. We had another argument of where I let him know. I wasn’t comfortable with poly yet. He agreed to set up a dinner so we can meet.

My boyfriend asked me to drive him to Eric‘s house to see if that would calm me down. I said yes that would most likely calm me down and we can have that dinner with Eric. Pass forward to the day of and we get in the car to drive to Eric’s house and he drops on me that we will just do a call and not a dinner. And so we do a phone call and Eric gang up on me and starts asking me questions of why I need to meet his dates. I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable and it would make me feel more comfortable in theory. Eric stated that he has a husband and that I should not put myself through meeting these guys. This did not sit well with me and I got super quiet on the phone. Call where my boyfriend asked me if I was gonna answer. I felt very good on and I said no. I dropped him off to his weekend and left. Eric did pay for gas, which was nice.

In the next month, he knew planned about two more dates with Alec and they were all on Monday. He used that same excuse of forgetting.

A couple weeks ago he came back from his date and he was wearing all new clothes and jewelry and showing off of what his date got him. I felt very uncomfortable and I told him I am not comfortable with Polly anymore. I honestly tried and it is not for me.

My boyfriend has stated that I am overreacting and I am being unfair.

AITAH for this?

Comments

PrudentConstruction3

You don’t have a bf. Drop his ass he’s playing with your time and emotions that man doesn’t care about you

CrystalMus_

NTA. This isn't polyamory, this is him cheating with your reluctant permission. He ignored your boundaries, forgot your birthday for a date, and let his ex-boyfriend gang up on you. He’s 24 and looking for a provider/safety net (you) while he plays the field. Run

[deleted]

No, you’re not the asshole. You tried, communicated your boundaries, and he repeatedly ignored them. You’re allowed to say poly isn’t for you.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 month later

Update: so I broke up with him and I decided to continue with my move to Oregon. We were supposed to move together with a roommate of ours, but I told my now ex he couldn’t go. I called the leasing office and told them I want to take him off. They stated that when I pick up the keys I can take him off. (some backstory on what I found when I snooped, my ex was texting his friends and letting them know that he didn’t love me, but he was using me to get to Oregon. He said he was just choosing to love me, but he didn’t see a long-term relationship with me.)

My ex got on a train and went to downtown LA. When my roommate dropped him at the train station I noticed that the times for the downtown LA train were later in the evening. There was a train for Oregon arriving first. I asked my roommate what train he was getting in and he said the one to LA and that he saw him get on that train. I said ok.

A couple days later I made the 18 Hour drive to Oregon with all my pets and stuff. I went to pick up the keys and the leasing office said that my roommate already picked up the keys. I let them know that was impossible since we just got here from California. They let me know it was Angel. I saw red. I was so mad and hurt. I went to my roommate and asked if he knew. He said “oh so he is here. He wasn’t supposed to be here yet.” I was so mad I walked away.

I called some friends and asked for advice as well. I called my roommate and asked him if he knew. He came out and said he had lied and knew that my ex was coming to Oregon. Now I feel trapped in my own home and what was supposed to be a happy occasion turned into a stressful one. My Ex even ate the whole gift basket that was there to welcome us to our new apartment.

I am still trying to figure out what to do because I don’t feel comfortable with him here. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear it.

For context: since my ex picked up the keys a couple days before I got here and signed for everything, I couldn’t take them off the lease. Now since it’s been 48 hours after move in (since my ex picked up the keys) there is a form that we can fill out that everyone has to sign it voluntarily.

Comments

Fair_Text1410

NTA. Call the leasing office now. Don't wait on this. This is time sensitive. Don't get stuck on a lease with this guy.

salmalight

Yep, they told him to wait so he waited and he got shafted for it. They need to take you off it ASAP.

NerdySwampWitch40

You need to talk to a tenant rights attorney ASAP. Explain the situation. State that this is a romantic ex partner you had broken up with before the move, that you notified the leasing office in advance, and the leasing office still allowed them access to the unit despite tell you you could handle this when you came to get the keys. Stress that you now no longer feel safe in the home with this person or the roommate who aided them in stalking you.

>OOP: I never thought of this, I’m gonna look up one right now. I really hope they’re open on the weekends.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments