r/aspergirls

I studied psychology for my bachelor’s degree and learned about the importance of direct communication, using “I” statements, validating the other’s perspective, etc. I mastered those skills and thought that I was unstoppable because I was such a great communicator.

Now I’m in my mid-thirties and realize how naive I was. It’s not worth it to communicate directly 90% of the time because most people who have good intentions and good self-awareness are not likely to do something that prompts you to confront them in the first place. People who have hurtful behavior tend to behave that way because they lack the ability to reflect and improve themselves, so confronting them on their behavior will have no effect.

At best, they may apologize, but they won’t change their nature. More likely, they will get defensive and say you’re too sensitive. Or they will pretend to be sorry but resent you and become passive aggressive. It’s better to just limit your interactions with people who are rude or insensitive and not bother with the emotional labor of confrontation.

For example, I was at a party a few days ago. This girl who I have mild beef with asks me with a smile "how are you? what have you been up to?" I respond and ask her how she's doing. And as I am in the middle of answering she looks away and starts talking to someone else. This was not nearly as devastating as it would have been if it had occurred when I was younger, because this time it's like I saw the gears move. Suddenly, my earlier experiences made so much more sense. It's not that they didn't hear me or lost interest due to my response being boring, it's that they deliberately ask you a question or otherwise bait you into engaging so that they can disengage and feel socially superior as a result.

The issue with responding to this is that it's very easy to look unhinged, which again, plays into their game. I think next time what I'll do is tap her on the shoulder or say her name very loudly and say "excuse me, that was very rude. I wasn't sure if you realized, but adults don't behave this way." or something. It's still a bit unhinged, but I think as long as you say it calmly and clearly, it makes you look not insane while still sticking up for yourself. It also makes her look bad if she fails to respond correctly.

So, in an unusual stroke of good luck, I actually got an interview yesterday at a fancy candy store that makes everything from scratch. Everyone there was artsy and quirky, and i felt immediately comfortable there. I would really love the job, and the interview seemed to go really well. They even sent me home with 2 bags of candy and 2 pints of ice cream. I sent them a thank you email today.

However, i can't help but overanalyze everything. Did this thing that i say denote weakness? Did this other thing make me seem like a difficult employee? Ugh. I tried really hard to think through everything i said before i said it, but you never know, especially with us, when our words are always misconstrued.

I really hope i get it, but if I don't, i know im going to hate myself. I shouldn't have said x y an z. I should have said a b c. Its so hard

Seeking solutions for my 14 year old daughter (she and myself are both ASD Level 1, she's also highly gifted). She was diagnosed a few months ago after we realized how much she was struggling with the transition to high school this past fall.

She's been riding the burnout line and while we tried to start ACT therapy, she wasn't ready to do it, so we stopped. She also has misophonia.

Today she was in tears telling us that she's really backed up on processing and she feels like she needs to be alone for an entire week to recover even though she knows it's not possible. You know the feeling...when you must wipe your calendar clean of all obligations and completely check out of regular life because you're so overloaded.

Please help me brainstorm ways I can help her! She is extremely responsible and I am very open to ideas for how to help her meet her needs for solitude.

I’m 27 and have been single/dating around for almost two years and I am honestly traumatized. My self esteem has gotten so low to the point I have spent thousands on filler/botox and laser treatments for my skin. I still look natural but I can feel myself getting addicted to these treatments. I’m not trying to brag at all but I know I have a good figure and I’m cute. Not a 10/10 or even close, but my looks should not be preventing me from finding someone. Yet every guy uses me for sex and some treat me so poorly that it seems like I’m subhuman to them. Last week I was at a guys place and he kicked me out after sex and didn’t even make sure I was home safe. I know that says more about him than it does me but it’s so hard not to take it personally when it happens multiple times.

I have been told by most guys I go out with that I’m awkward and one said I’m probably autistic. I know my personality kind of sucks and I freeze up a lot and don’t know what to say. The strangest part is that it seems like I’m getting worse with age. I have said so many awkward things to fill a silence and I often overshare. I also hate uncertainty and need reassurance all the time. I know it comes off desperate and drives people away. But even when I try to mask it they can still feel the desperate energy.

I just want someone to accept me but they always leave:( I just feel so ashamed and hopeless

So I focus on comfort things.

Hi everyone, While this takes place in a religious setting, I’m looking for support regarding the social/autistic struggle and the change in routine. I’m struggling so much and I feel like I’m going crazy, even though I know I'm not "entitled" to his time. I've been struggling with my everyday tasks at work and at home lately, and this situation really hit me hard since it was the last thing I expected to change.

I have a friend from my church group who, for months, was my "anchor." He would drive me home every week after adoration (which made me feel safe because I’m anxious walking alone at night and it finishes quite late) and he always sat next to me.

Everything changed around a month ago. He stopped driving me (he has a new job and I think it’s more tiring than the previous one) and now he has joined the choir, so he no longer sits with me. I’ve gone from having a safe, structured evening to sitting alone in a pew, feeling exposed and hyper-fixated on the empty space beside me/ the new person sitting next to me who doesn't feel as "safe," and the fact that I have to walk home in the dark afterwards.

I’ve been going to this group for nearly 3 years. He’s only been there for 1 year, yet he’s already more "integrated" than I am. They asked him to join the choir because they needed male voices, but I can sing too. Still, in 3 years, nobody has ever invited me or noticed me. Other people I feel close to are also in the choir or have stopped attending every week. I see them all together, and I see myself left behind.

To make it worse, people used to comment that we "looked like a couple." Now I’m spiraling, thinking he changed his behavior because he’s embarrassed or doesn't want me to get the wrong idea.

I feel so rejected and lost. I know he isn't my "caregiver" and he has every right to join the choir or go straight home, but this sudden loss of my "safe routine" and the feeling of being overlooked is making my depression and anxiety flare up so badly.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you cope when your "safe person" changes the rules of the friendship without warning? I feel like I’ve lost my support system and my spiritual safe space all at once. Thank you for reading!

Okay sorry if this is gonna come off as naive.

Remember in elementary school (at least for us Gen Z’s) we had the pillars of character, with all the animals symbolizing the traits that make you a good person? I think it was a US thing. And the golden rule above them all was “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

As I grew older I realize I must’ve been the only one to take this to heart. I’m not claiming I’m perfect, though I operate on a belief system where before I do something, I try to think of how it will affect those around me. I care highly about if what I’m doing is inconveniencing others or causes harm to others and disregarding it makes me very depressed and guilty.

I talked to an acquaintance who cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with her friend. He did not seem very guilty about it all. I asked him “would you be angry if she cheated on you with (his friend)?” And he said he would be furious and dump her. I asked “so if she found out, you’d want her to dump you?” And he said “of course not.”

The logic was so baffling. And common unfortunately! I wish I had a way to contact her, but I couldn’t find one.

Another example is my boyfriend. We’ve been having a lot of issues lately and frankly, I don’t think we will last much longer at the rate we are going. He recently told me I said something very hurtful to him eight months ago. I couldn’t remember what it was obviously and when he told me I still didn’t remember. I could’ve, but he never told me it was hurtful, so I guess I forgot. It was a comment about a program at my school hiring in his field, but I guess it was an insult to his ability to find a job. I asked why didn’t he say something then, he claimed “I didn’t want to sour the mood.” I said now he soured the mood eight months later. I asked him what he would think if I did the same to him and he said he would be angry with me because we were supposed to be comfortable sharing things with each other.

Lastly with my best friend. She is chronically late to things. I texted her I was coming (we had scheduled this so it wasn’t a surprise) and I would arrive in twenty minutes. She said Ok and when I arrived nobody answered. I called and nobody picked up. Half an hour later she called me saying she just got out of the shower. I asked why wasn’t she already ready when I came. She said it wasn’t that big of a deal because we didn’t have concrete plans for the day. I asked her “what about if I did the same to you?” And she said she would be angry because I wasted her time. I scolded her a bit and left to do my own thing. She apologized later.

I almost hate having to deal with other people. My entire life feels like just trying to shield myself or recover from the disgusting actions of others which has left me feeling jaded and cold towards other people. The world would be a much better place if we considered how our actions would affect others on a deeper level.

I have POTS and am in the process of receiving reasonable accommodations at my job. My coworker knows this. I turned down an invitation to an after work dinner with her and several others because I was exhausted, but I did go to a social gathering taking place at my workplace before going home. I felt it would be a good compromise as a way to socialize without expending too much energy.

My coworker is very nosy and always comments on what people are doing. She said “I was surprised you decided to go to the party. What made you decide to go?” I had no idea what to say because it was such a weird thing to ask. I felt she was implying “If you didn’t have energy for dinner, why did you go to that party?” I said I felt obligated to go because a few people had asked me to come.

Then she started asking me for details about how many days off I would be taking, and she was telling me about how another coworker got her accommodation request turned down. I just told her it was still being processed, and it depends on my condition.

I felt really annoyed with her nosy judgmental questions, but I was also upset with myself that I didn’t give good answers that protected my boundaries better.

How can I deal with this next time she asks in order to politely tell her it is none of her business?

I am a teacher, but I paint as a hobby and am very passionate about it. I just started less than a year ago, but people say I'm pretty good. My coworker knows this and has seen some of my work. Recently she makes comments to subtly undermine it.

For example, I teach an art appreciation course, and she was telling me that she found out one of our colleagues is very good at drawing. She suggested I have him in as a guest so students could have a chance to meet a "real artist." I just told her that my curriculum/schedule is already fully planned.

I went to an art exhibit over the weekend and showed her some pictures. She said "Some people are so creative. I guess what we do isn't as tangible." It's subtle, but she was lumping me in with her as one of the non-creative people. I just said "yeah."

I also made a separate post about how she asks me nosy questions about my disability because she loves to gossip.

I am really tired of the way that she subtly puts me down. I have been working with her for several years and have only recently realized she is doing this. But I have asked others around me, and they don't seem to recognize it.

So anyway, my question is, how can I deal with these comments when she implies I am not an artist? I cannot avoid working with her and have to interact with her every day.

hi!! wanted to ask here because I feel more comfortable in this sub. I keep seeing calming hoodies and other sensory-friendly clothing for anxiety/overstimulation, and I’m curious if any of you have actually tried one. did it help at all, or is it mostly just marketing? I’ve been getting really anxious in the mornings before lectures, especially if I have caffeine, so I’ve been looking into little things that might help.

I am struggling more and more with being unable to find friends who have enough overlap with my current situation and life stage that I feel connected and able to be authentic.

I just end up worrying there isn’t anyone out there I can fully relate and be myself with. That then spirals into a ‘is it me? am I the problem?’ due to limited empathy within my immediate family.

Do I just need to shelve the idea I will have ‘proper’ friends rather than a series of people who I have fragmented shared interests and can only interact with about those things?

Idk. Maybe I’m just waffling here. Sorry. I just end up feeling very lonely sometimes.

Hey! I’m 21 and I work at a restaurant, have been for three years already. I really like my co-workers a lot, they made me feel accepted immediately. It’s fun to talk to them. But after a while, I noticed that they started to think (i suspect) that I’m straight up stupid. For still needing specific instructions, for not understanding, for making mistakes due to not being able to make the ‘logical’, neurotypical connections.

Customers like me and It’s not an issue unless we are dealing with rude people, and even then I know how to handle a situation.

I know my colleagues like to joke around with me and it makes me feel comfortable, but sometimes I’m scolded for harmless mistakes amongst 100 other things I did right. And then It’s just a condescending: “Wow, you thought of that, color me surprised”.

When I’m working alone with them I don’t mind, but when there’s two of them and I do something that doesn’t make sense to them for any reason, (like me putting something on its place before taking another object from them), I see the slightly mocking looks and smiles they exchange. It’s hurtful. I was wondering if I should speak about it to anyone at my job, since I’ve known and interacted with these people for a while. I’ve always been nice and we had nice moments, but one of them especially is starting to have enough of me.

hey guys i wanna buy a pair of loops for busy + loud environments such as bars and nightclubs to help with overstimulation whilst still being able to chat with my friends. i am deciding between the experience and engage 2 and idk which ones they would be better for. pls help!!
(btw i donnt wanna spend to much money on them eg: the switches as those are around $100+ in my country!!)

After years of isolation in my childhood and being made to feel as if everything that I did was wrong, I can't seem to fix the inner-voice that tells me that I am bothering everyone at all times. I ruin relationships by isolating myself because I am afraid of people seeing through my mask and realising how weird, unrelatable, and annoying that I am. I am always seeking reassurance, such as asking "I haven't done anything to annoy you?" or "let me know if I am talking too much", and ironically, this is a very annoying habit that pushes people away. If people do seem to enjoy my company, I will become extremely anxious about ruining everything with my personality eventually, and the intrusive thoughts about all the ways in which I am secretly bothering everyone are nonstop. The funny part is that people describe me as shy, but in my head, I feel that I talk way too much and need to shut up. I feel guilty if I talk for more than a few sentences. I hate being alone, but being around others causes me so much anxiety because I am convinced that I will ruin something good like I always seem to do. How can I even fix this mindset when it is from childhood experiences?

I had a fairly long "season" in my life where I felt like I knew what I was doing and was actually functioning. Lately I feel like my ability to do the things is just slipping through my fingers. My husband told me, "You never understand anything and you always have to get out of here." My boss told me it was like I wasn't there. I have nightmares where someone I can't see tells me to stop just standing around, but I don't know what I'm supposed to actually be doing. I was crying talking to my therapist the other day because I realized I had this great fear that I don't belong where I am because I can't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. And maybe even though I thought I was doing great, no one else saw it that way. I just want to go back to feeling like I can do things again and I'm not just a bumble but I'm not sure how to go about it or if I can regain confidence. Gosh I hope that makes sense. My therapist was originally for something else and doesn't understand autism so she definitely didn't know what to say to me.

For context, I am looking at a job that is between 45 minutes to an hour away from where I live. All interstate driving.

I used to drive about that far to my last job, fighting traffic, and how loud the cabin of my car is. After a long day at work and a long commute home (it would take almost two hours to come home), I would have to decompress for several hours afterwards. Lying in bed, in the dark, doing whatever on my phone, alone. I know I need the decompression time, but spending hours in my room and accomplishing nothing else isn't ideal. It's also not good for the rest of my mental health outside of being on the spectrum. I felt like I was wasting half of my life in bed and at work. I also have ADHD so I know the constant focus for that amount of time also doesn't help.

Are there ways to make the sensory overload of commuting less taxing? Dealing with the noise, the light, the extra mental work it takes to read what other cars are doing.

I got divorced because my ex-husband was emotionally abusive in the following ways:

-invalidating and dismissing my feelings

-responding with disdain when I cried or got upset

-avoiding responsibility and blame shifting

-turning emotional conversations into debates

-dismissing me when I expressed needs

-DARVO

-emotional unavailability

-rarely wanting to spend time together or be intimate

-continuing upsetting behaviors even after apologizing

-having an emotional affair for four years

I am afraid that if I don’t talk about the reason I got divorced, potential partners will suspect I was the problem. But if I do share the above, it can make me look like I don’t take any responsibility and only blame others. However, in my case, it really was his fault and not mine.

So how can I explain it in a way that lets people know I am capable of being a good partner and this was genuinely not my fault?

When I read the DSM-5 criteria, I feel like I can relate to a lot of them. But at the same time, when I watch videos or hear other people talk about their diagnosis, I relate a bit less. I sometimes feel like my social difficulties are more subtle or less visible, so I don’t always see myself reflected in those experiences.

Since my teenage years, something really shifted for me. That’s when I started feeling a bit… different, almost disconnected. But at the same time, I sometimes wonder if I’m just imagining it, because people do try to include me and be close to me.Still, I feel like there’s this barrier, like I can’t truly be myself around others.

In conversations, it often feels like my mind goes blank. There’s no flow. I don’t know what to say, and then I start getting anxious because I can tell the other person feels the awkwardness too, which just makes everything worse. I often feel like I’m not capable of maintaining a conversation, and that it just turns into silence.

Sometimes, before seeing people, I even script in my head what I’m going to say to greet them or what we could talk about. I try to plan out conversations in advance so I don’t freeze, but even then, it doesn’t always help.

I’ve also noticed that people sometimes misunderstand what I say, so I’ve learned to soften the way I speak. I try to be more careful with my words, but it makes me feel like I’m constantly filtering myself.

I also feel like I have to control my facial expressions, otherwise I come across as robotic or emotionless. At the same time, I wonder if this might just be social anxiety making me hyper-aware and causing me to lose my natural reactions.

I also feel really awkward when it comes to ending conversations. I never know how to wrap things up naturally, so I often just… stop, or leave things hanging.

When I was younger, I had a lot of friends. I went to sleepovers, parties .. I guess you could say I was “popular.” During my teenage years, I still had a group of friends, but I never really felt connected to them. It was like something was missing. I also felt like they were a bit uncomfortable around me.

Over time, I started to shut down. I lost my spontaneity because I became afraid of being seen as weird.

I’ve always struggled with conversations. But interestingly, when the focus is on an activity or a game, I have no problème socializing. It’s only in direct, one-on-one conversation that I freeze.

My mind goes empty, and at the same time, I overthink everything. It’s like constant hyper-awareness: am I making too much eye contact? Not enough? Is my posture natural? Am I speaking too loudly? All of that runs through my head at once.

I also have a lot of sensitivities to things that don’t seem to bother others. Sounds, smells, lights ..they can feel overwhelming to me, even when other people don’t notice them. I’ve often been told that I’m not very tolerant because of that.

Because of all this, I’ve started wondering if I might be on the autism spectrum.

Now, I don’t really have close friends anymore. I’ve never strongly felt the need for many deep relationships. I usually only need one close connection. Right now, that’s my husband, and before that it was a best friend. Other relationships often end up feeling more optional or harder for me to maintain.

I’m trying to understand whether this is just social anxiety or something else. I wanted to share this to see if anyone else feels the same way.

Hey everyone! Nice to meet you. I'm 38 and undiagnosed but in the process of getting screened for AuDHD. Sorry, I'm new here and I've posted this in two other subs, I hope that's okay. I also hope the flair is alright, I apologize in advance for the clunky long post, I'm overexplaining a lot but it all boils down to needing healthy coping mechanisms. Please help. 🤍 This is the original post:

"Hey guys, this is my first time posting and I'm undiagnosed, but please hear me out.

I live in Japan with my husband of 10 years (we both have strong autistic traits). For 3.5 years, until the end of March this year, I taught part-time at an English school (I loved the job but hated the company, so quitting was necessary but painful). Saturday used to be the hardest day of the week for me (both most demanding and most satisfying).

Now my husband's Saturday routine is doing the big weekly grocery shopping (God bless). He keeps track of all the important stuff like rice, cooking oil, soy sauce, toilet paper, laundry detergent, etc.

Ever since I quit my job I've been tagging along, and hoping this would be a good, "healing" new way to spend my time, but no. I have a meltdown every time. Today was my 4th "meltdown Saturday" and I need to do something about it.

Disclaimer: this is NOT about marriage issues, my husband and I get along extremely well, but for him Saturday mornings are the same as ever, he's set in his ways, doing his thing, while I just feel like I'm free falling into a black hole endlessly. The job grief + sensory hell of supermarkets + not really having anything to do (I grab a couple items and wait around) + my husband's lack of empathy (I don't blame him, he's just in his routine and hyperfocused, he's not trying to be mean). I start every Saturday morning hopeful that it will be different and then I feel the confusion, distress, and despair bubbling in me until I'm screaming and crying like an infant (all I can do is keep it in the car).

I don't want to spend another Saturday like this and I think I should leave the groceries to my husband, it's literally the only time we ever fight anymore (because I feel so desperately out of place and pick fights). But I don't know what to do with myself!!! I need to find something to do with my Saturday mornings. My own routine. It's so strange, I'm unemployed every day of the week, but I feel this overwhelming, meltdown inducing distress only on Saturdays. Like clockwork and without fail.

If anybody can relate, please help, any advice is much appreciated."