u/bellow_whale

I studied psychology for my bachelor’s degree and learned about the importance of direct communication, using “I” statements, validating the other’s perspective, etc. I mastered those skills and thought that I was unstoppable because I was such a great communicator.

Now I’m in my mid-thirties and realize how naive I was. It’s not worth it to communicate directly 90% of the time because most people who have good intentions and good self-awareness are not likely to do something that prompts you to confront them in the first place. People who have hurtful behavior tend to behave that way because they lack the ability to reflect and improve themselves, so confronting them on their behavior will have no effect.

At best, they may apologize, but they won’t change their nature. More likely, they will get defensive and say you’re too sensitive. Or they will pretend to be sorry but resent you and become passive aggressive. It’s better to just limit your interactions with people who are rude or insensitive and not bother with the emotional labor of confrontation.

I am a teacher, but I paint as a hobby and am very passionate about it. I just started less than a year ago, but people say I'm pretty good. My coworker knows this and has seen some of my work. Recently she makes comments to subtly undermine it.

For example, I teach an art appreciation course, and she was telling me that she found out one of our colleagues is very good at drawing. She suggested I have him in as a guest so students could have a chance to meet a "real artist." I just told her that my curriculum/schedule is already fully planned.

I went to an art exhibit over the weekend and showed her some pictures. She said "Some people are so creative. I guess what we do isn't as tangible." It's subtle, but she was lumping me in with her as one of the non-creative people. I just said "yeah."

I also made a separate post about how she asks me nosy questions about my disability because she loves to gossip.

I am really tired of the way that she subtly puts me down. I have been working with her for several years and have only recently realized she is doing this. But I have asked others around me, and they don't seem to recognize it.

So anyway, my question is, how can I deal with these comments when she implies I am not an artist? I cannot avoid working with her and have to interact with her every day.

I have POTS and am in the process of receiving reasonable accommodations at my job. My coworker knows this. I turned down an invitation to an after work dinner with her and several others because I was exhausted, but I did go to a social gathering taking place at my workplace before going home. I felt it would be a good compromise as a way to socialize without expending too much energy.

My coworker is very nosy and always comments on what people are doing. She said “I was surprised you decided to go to the party. What made you decide to go?” I had no idea what to say because it was such a weird thing to ask. I felt she was implying “If you didn’t have energy for dinner, why did you go to that party?” I said I felt obligated to go because a few people had asked me to come.

Then she started asking me for details about how many days off I would be taking, and she was telling me about how another coworker got her accommodation request turned down. I just told her it was still being processed, and it depends on my condition.

I felt really annoyed with her nosy judgmental questions, but I was also upset with myself that I didn’t give good answers that protected my boundaries better.

How can I deal with this next time she asks in order to politely tell her it is none of her business?

I got divorced because my ex-husband was emotionally abusive in the following ways:

-invalidating and dismissing my feelings

-responding with disdain when I cried or got upset

-avoiding responsibility and blame shifting

-turning emotional conversations into debates

-dismissing me when I expressed needs

-DARVO

-emotional unavailability

-rarely wanting to spend time together or be intimate

-continuing upsetting behaviors even after apologizing

-having an emotional affair for four years

I am afraid that if I don’t talk about the reason I got divorced, potential partners will suspect I was the problem. But if I do share the above, it can make me look like I don’t take any responsibility and only blame others. However, in my case, it really was his fault and not mine.

So how can I explain it in a way that lets people know I am capable of being a good partner and this was genuinely not my fault?