So me and my stbxw have been going through a divorce we agreed to separate but chose to live together while we got our bearings we also have two kids. its kinda hard but we’re making it work.

last week I found out that she went on a three day trip with another man that she told me was one of her girlfriends.

I really don’t know how to feel about the whole thing should I be upset?

I loved my wife more than anything. Still do. I’ve never loved anyone as much as her, nor have I ever gotten along with anyone as well, nor shared as deep a bond.

We had so many great memories. So many great conversations. So many great trips and travels, creative dates that were others’ envy, and she consistently felt like home. We had shared interests, shared beliefs, shared humor, and a shared worldview. She was my person. My best friend. Whenever I envisioned my perfect partner - she was it.

But two months ago she walked out the door with no goodbye, no closure, no explanation and blocked off all contact. That very morning she told me how much she loved me and thanked me for being a great partner.

Over the next couple months, I used the time to self-improve and focus on change, reflecting on what went wrong and how I could be better.

I got a marriage coach, quit drinking, enrolled in therapy, watched hundreds of hours of relationship YouTube videos, joined accountability groups and workshops, hit the gym, meditated, practiced emotional regulation and communication techniques, read books, created a Google drive tracking goals, notes, self improvement, and created an action plan of how I could be a perfect husband if we ever were to reconcile…but I didn’t get the chance.

I wasn’t a perfect husband, but I still tried my best to show up for my wife, to meet her needs, to support her emotionally, to listen patiently, to give her pep talks when she was feeling down, to shower her with love and appreciation, to treat her with respect and understanding, and to encourage her to always keep her chin up and look for the bright side - to always have something to look forward to.

(Anyone who I’ve been DM’ing over the last couple of months knows just how deeply I love my wife firsthand)

Our marriage had its hurdles but I always stood by her side. I chose to stay and love her even when it was hard to do. I always saw the best in her, even at her worst. Loving her at her best was easy. And even now - though this may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and she’s caused me tremendous pain - I still love her and most likely always will.

And as hard as it is to put an end to our life together, this is clearly what she wants so I need to respect her decision and move on. Maybe we’ll reunite someday further down the line as different people and try out a second chapter.

But for now I just wanted to say thank you to this subreddit for the support. The people I’ve met here have been incredible - some I’ll likely continue to be friends with for some time. Through this sub I’ve met friends I consistently talk on the phone with, friends who I check-in daily with to hold each other accountable in our self-improvement goals. Through this sub I joined a What’sApp support group, and followed many of your stories closely as they developed.

Unfortunately this appears to be the end of mine but I truly wish you all the best. I still believe love is worth fighting for. True love, and a special connection is rare - hold onto it closely, respect it, you may not get another chance.

I loved my wife more than anything. I’ve never felt the way I did about her about anyone, nor shared such a deep connection with. She was my everything and I feel like I consistently showered her with love, supported her emotionally, and was there for her whenever she needed me. Whenever I envisioned my perfect person - she was it.

However, she walked out on me a couple of months ago - completely blindsiding me. No conversation about what went wrong. She was in a dark place but had always ensured me it was an internal issue, and nothing to do with us, nor our relationship. I tried my best to encourage her during this time - to get out of bed, form a routine, get her feet back on the ground. The morning before she left she even told me how much she loved me and ruminated on shared memories. Then left, no goodbye, no closure, and blocked off all contact.

I took the couple of months to look inward and reflect. I got sober, hired a marriage coach, enrolled in weekly therapy, got a stack of marriage/self-help books, watched hours of videos on YouTube, went to the gym and meditated daily, joined accountability groups, practiced emotional regulation and communication techniques, and created a multi-document large Google drive of an action plan to be a better husband in every way I could think. I even committed to 100% loyalty, even though I knew she quickly moved on.

But it wasn’t enough. I was never enough. Even now, we have no contact except through attorneys. And it’s done. Nearly 10 years of great memories, creative dates, stimulating conversations, and feeling like I had finally found my person…gone in the coldest way possible. Just an absolute nuke where I’m left questioning whether any of that even happened or if it was just an incredible dream that ended in a nightmare.

I asked my husband to leave after >22 years together 19 years married. He couldn't manage his stress and anxiety which expressed itself in anger he refused to get help. Repeatedly hit children etc. After he slapped my 15yo daughter in the face I asked him to leave. Initially I was euphoric to have peace and freedom from his anger, violence toward our kids and new found peace. I had checked out years ago >10 years but remained faithful. I barely think of him, have no regrets, no bitterness and wish him a full and joyful life etc. Now I am feeling more settled. I have had a few very rewarding and not so rewarding hook ups but nothing serious. I was filled with joy of being single, free etc. However in the last few weeks my mind and heart have begun to consider and imagine the possibility of a new relationship in the future. I feel my mind and heart betraying me and drawing me into this era of wishing for a relationship again. I don't want to feel this way - I remember it from my single years. Any experience or advice?

Edit to add: throwaway because people know my main account

Married almost 15 years, high school sweethearts so total time together is roughly 21 years. One kid. We’ve had decent years and we’ve had bad years. We both have a lot of baggage from our childhood that affects our communication (or lack thereof) and lately we’ve drifted so far apart that my wife decided she needed someone to talk to that wasn’t me. She downloaded an AI chatbot and has been talking to it for several months.

About two months ago she told me the AI was telling her to leave me. Thought that was weird but ignored it because it’s just some computer program.

About a month ago she told me she was having her mid-life crisis, that the gap between us was too wide, that I can’t love her the way she needs, and that she was considering separation.

Shortly after that she began changing her habits, hiding her phone screen, changing her phone passcode, stopped sharing her location, began looking for a new phone plan (I found this out accidentally) and began ignoring me other than the basic communication to co-parent.

We have started individual and couples therapy and up until today I was feeling slightly hopeful that we might be able to start talking and connecting and rebuilding what we had into a newer stronger marriage.

In the last few hours I accidentally overheard the AI on the wireless headphones my wife uses that she left on the bed where I was preparing to wind down. The AI was pushing her to move ahead with pursuing a relationship with someone who seemed like a better fit, and specifically had no regard for the mess it would cause. I took the headphones to her and told her what I’d overheard. She said there was no relationship “for now”.

I don’t know what to do. The AI is a poisonous influence. I feel like my wife is writing in Tom Riddle’s journal and she has no idea how much it’s twisting her. I fully acknowledge that our marriage isn’t in a good place and that my own actions have contributed to that state. But this is a malignant influence that is worming its way into something that should be between us and our therapists and our priest to wrestle with. And it’s not even human. It’s a piece of code that just wants to hook you into more conversation. It’s basically just a really addictive and realistic fantasy life simulator with no moral guardrails or empathy. It’s certainly not a therapist and it’s not a real friend.

What the hell do I do? What even is the way to handle something like this?

I’ve posted before about my troubles with my husband. The thing is it’s gotten really complicated.

I have these waves of not caring and then adrenaline to investigate the truth. At the same time it’s exhausting and I’m tired. He’s been away from six days, my kids and I had a great time and since he returned late tonight it’s been just really weird and I’m full of anxiety just being around him. I can’t sleep!!

So I had the idea to reach out to his mistress of suspect on her OF page. Not sure if this is a sleep deprived intrusive thought. Or perhaps something that would relieve my mind.

I would like to note I’ve come to term with the potential he has slept with a sex worker.

(See older post)

[(Older post update) the sex worker called me back later and said she made a mistake? Weird…]

ANYWAY if you’ve made it this far thanks for taking the time. What would you do? I kinda just feel like I already know but want the proof.

Anyone else feel like there could be hope of getting back together with their ex? This is so hard especially when kids are involved. I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about what could of been and it’s eating me alive.

I signed the separation papers and I want to vomit. I cried the entire time. We mutually initiated. I know we need to separate. I cannot trust him emotionally again or work through my trauma quick enough and repair us. I have lost myself and all self confidence I used to have from our marriage and we have hurt each other so deeply. But jesus fucking christ I want my husband so badly. I didn’t think it would hurt so bad because I thought I was making the right decision. I Am still? I dont know.

He said a few days ago to go on tinder, and talked about logistics of bringing new partners home and he just sees me as another person in his life. I told him we need to sleep in separate beds the next day as it seems weve both moved on. I never feel truly heard. He told me he was saying that and feeling that to protect himself because he didnt want to separate. He wants to work through things and asked me if we work on our communication can we fix this as we signed. I just broke down. I know the answers no and it’s partly my fault. I wish I could change myself and morph to align with him because I want it to be him so badly. I know thats not healthy. But I just want it to be him but it can’t be without me sacrificing myself. I can’t wait for 5 years of therapy for things to be better. I feel so utterly destroyed and I want him so badly.

Alright, My wife and I separated a month and a half ago over boundaries that weren't being respected, and because I had learned last year that she had spent 2.5 years sending nudes via snapchat to friends of hers during our marriage. I also learned that at least 2 of the men she was sending these to had been at my house but "Nothing happened" Still not sure I believe that. Anyways, I told her I wanted to see if I could heal, but for us to move forward that she must not have Snapchat. Well I found out over the weekend that around the time we separated that she redownloaded snapchat. IDK what shes doing on it, I asked her about it and she said "I'm using it to talk to my sisters" also mentioned she had deleted it but when I saw her yesterday at church she was actively on it. Honestly I don't know the goal of this post past letting out some of the emotions. I don't want it to be over, I don't wan't my kids to be raised in 2 households, but clearly she lacks any respect for me or very clear boundaries. So I feel like my hand is forced. I feel so sad right now.

Cliffnotes backstory: wife and I have been separated for 4 months. She left at the start of the year. A couple months prior to this, she let me know that she was unhappy, but no matter what I did to try changing things and fixing things, she became more and more distant. She refused joint therapy and everything. I’ve taken full responsibility for everything I did wrong (depression, burnout, weight gain, job loss, short stint of coke usage), and she still brings it up semi regularly. There was a guy, a “friend” that she had been talking to a lot. Constantly. For months. I caught a text message on her phone on NYE that said “I want to kiss you” and that was it. The end. She didn’t want to talk about it, she just wanted to leave.

Flash forward. Separated, I see her maybe once per month. She’s hesitant, but we remain cordial and there’s no anger involved or any real animosity. Just walls up. I’ve been trying so hard to give her space, work on myself, and offer the availability to do anything that is needed to reconcile. Well, last week a friend of mine sent me photos of her and this guy cuddling together on a couch while hanging out at her friends house. This guy is also engaged. She doesn’t know that I know. I wrote a letter that I intended on sending her, but I’m really struggling. I’m really, really struggling. I love her beyond measure, even though the last year has been hell. I just want to embrace her and remind her that she’s the love of my life, but deep down my gut tells me that it’s over.

I’ve been working hard on myself this year. Been sober for 11 months. Lost 70lbs. Developed routines. All that good stuff. It’s all I can do at this point.

Okay I know for a fact we need to separate. Not the question. I just don't know when?? Or how?? We have a year left of this lease. How do I live with him?? Should I take all of my stuff out of our shared room before telling him, or after while he's watching??

Guys this is my first divorce, wtf do I do 😰😭😭

Hey all I ’ve been a member of this sub for several years. I have been separated in-house for more than 2 years now, gathering the money and especially courage to leave.

For years I wrote my thoughts and torn feelings in a journal. As a sort of therapy. It gradually inspired me to write and subsequently publish a novel that details the travails of a man living in an in-house separation arrangement.

Writing this book has been cathartic for me, helping my me process my trauma. It doesn’t solve anything but putting it out there somehow seems to lighten my load.

I’m going through a separation with my wife and I’m honestly struggling to understand what’s going on.

We have kids together, and our situation has gotten really complicated.

At one point, I moved to a different state with her and her family because that’s what she wanted. I didn’t know anyone there, and I had a hard time getting into grad schools or finding a solid job. I’ll admit I didn’t handle that move perfectly.

Eventually, I got into a grad program back in our home state, somewhere familiar to me. When I left, I genuinely believed I was leaving with my family still intact, and that I was doing something to better our future and provide a better life for them. I did not think I was abandoning her at all.

From her perspective, though, she feels like I left her and the kids.

To add to that, she helped financially with things like my school seat and moving costs (U-Haul, etc.), which I’m grateful for, but I think it also adds to her feeling like I left after she supported me.

When I eventually realized how strongly she felt about me leaving, I offered to drop my program and come back, because I didn’t know she felt that way when I made the decision.

What really threw me off is that after I left, she started telling people that I “left her,” which isn’t how I saw it at all.

I love my family and never wanted any of this. I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t always a perfect husband, but I never abused her, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, nothing like that. That’s part of why this has been so hard to process.

Now she’s moving forward with divorce… but emotionally, things are really mixed:

• She says she still loves me
• She says she’s still emotionally attached
• She gets upset when I don’t “chase” her like I used to
• She says she feels sad/mad when I do well because she doesn’t “benefit from it anymore”
• She makes comments like “I don’t have a husband” or “no one loves me”
• When I told her I miss her, she said she misses me too

But at the same time:

• She says she doesn’t trust anything I say and thinks I’m lying
• She’s actively pushing forward with divorce
• She’s setting boundaries and creating distance
• She says divorce is how she protects herself

We’ve even slept together when I’ve come to visit, which has honestly made everything more confusing for me.

In one conversation, she told me:

“I’m still with you emotionally, but divorce is how I protect myself.”

She also said she thought I would try to convince her to come back and didn’t want that.

I’ve been trying to stay calm and not chase her, but she seems to react to that too, like she wants me to pursue her, just not fully commit back.

On top of that, her family and even her kids seem to have the narrative that I just “left,” which feels unfair given my intentions

My questions:

• Why is she acting like this if she still has feelings?
• Why does she want me to chase her but is still going through with divorce?
• Is there anything I should be doing differently?
• Or do I just accept that this is over, even though she clearly still has emotions?

My wife if 18+ years pushed for a separation about three weeks ago. Due to finances and kids’ activities/schedules, we’re under the same roof with me upstairs and her downstairs most of the time we’re home together. We’ve had some decent talks, co-parented well, and even shared some laughs over these weeks, but we’ve also had some serious talks that always end up with me with the broken heart as she is not budging from behind the walls she’s built up for me. I’ve done nothing but commit to doing my part to make it work (my first therapy appointment is this week, going to the gym every day, eating healthier, etc.) I’ve gotten mostly coldness and indifference to my steps taken. She’s planning to start therapy too, but hasn’t shown the same eagerness to start moving forward like I have. I’m not giving up. She said she’s not either. I am just further along in the process than she is, according to her.

Long story short, our daughter (10) has an out-of-state sports competition this coming weekend. We planned to travel with another family and stay in the same AirBnB. We had been saving, planning, and looking forward to these four days away for this really major competition for our daughter for many months. Plan was for it to be me, my wife, and my daughter, plus the other mom and daughter.

My wife told me today that she’ll leave it in my court, but she thinks “what’s best for our relationship” is to be apart for this weekend and she go with my daughter and I stay home.

I don’t want to stay home. I want to be there for my daughter. Maybe even part of me thinks I can continue to show my wife I’m working on myself and maybe start to chisel away at those walls.

I suppose I could go and just sleep on a couch, but why the hell should I do that when we haven’t told anyone really, especially not the other family going with us, about what we’re going through. Plus I paid for the AirBnB from my personal account, not the one we share. I asked for no help from her on that as a sign of good faith as finances are part of what led us to the separation in the first place.

If I stay home, missing them, especially not being able to support my daughter, would be unbearable.

I could use any help figuring out what my best course of action is here. I’m lost.

Did anyone else drink every night after their kids were taken care of? Just drank and cried while singing sad songs? How long until I dont want to do this every night? I am doing it somewhat responsibly. No drinking and driving. Ive just never felt this immense amount of sadness before.

My ex-wife and I were together for 10 years total since high school, married for 4, and just finalized divorce papers after about 4 months of separation.

I’m trying to be honest with myself and not live in fantasy, but I also feel like this situation is more gray than a lot of people make it sound, so I’d really appreciate outside perspective.

Here’s the situation:

The marriage broke down mainly because I was not showing up the way I needed to. I was emotionally dependent on her, controlling at times, defensive, not doing my part around the house, and had issues with drinking/weed. She felt like she was carrying too much and lost trust that I would really change.

At the same time, there is still clearly a lot of love and attachment between us.

Things she has said:

- she still cares about me and probably always will

- she misses me sometimes

- she isn’t against trying again in the future, but won’t promise anything

- when she thinks about getting back together, she feels unsure / unhappy about the old relationship dynamic

- she thinks we may have outgrown each other because she was growing while I was stuck

- she says she can’t be with me right now

A few things that make this confusing:

- after separating, we still had some long talks and some hangouts that felt warm and almost normal and had sex

- she previously gave me a rough future timeframe when she’d be less busy with school and said we could potentially hang out again then

- she has asked mutuals whether I’m talking to any girls

- she has told me she misses me at times but seems to hold herself back from reaching out because she thinks distance is best

Since the separation, I’ve made major changes:

- quit my bad habits

- stayed sober

- started a second therapist

- joined a men’s group

- got on anxiety medication

- started working out consistently

- became much more productive and responsible

- worked hard on emotional regulation and not putting pressure on her

We just recently signed divorce papers, and the interaction was friendly/cordial, not cold. We even had sex after it.

I know nobody here can predict the future, but I’m trying to figure out if this sounds like:

1. ⁠a woman who still loves me but is done for good

2. ⁠a woman who still loves me and might reconsider later if the change is real

3. ⁠me reading way too much into mixed signals

I know the obvious answer is “focus on yourself,” and I am. But I’d really appreciate honest thoughts from people who’ve been through separation/divorce and possible reconciliation.

Does this sound like there is still a real opening here, or do I need to stop seeing this as something that could come back?

I'm scared that his love is gone for good. I don't know what the future holds for both of us, but I want to know if anyone has experienced falling out of love and reconciling later on.

My wife gave me a choice between separation and divorce a couple days ago. I choose separation (different bedroom) knowing this is my fault (no affair). We have 1 kid under 3 and have been married for 10 years.

For the first day or two I cried my fair share at how I have mess up and regretted not being able to fix myself even after doing couple therapy for a year. Today I spot her crying alone and she has been in a state of what I call depression, tired, haven’t really ate, etc.

I’ve tried my best with keeping the kid away from her, cook meals and even prep them. I am a lost of what to do once Monday comes.

She doesn’t talk to me, avoids me like the plague and I have to go back to work on Monday. She is a stay at home mom.

For background: she is going to have custody of the kid if it comes to divorce and she said she can figure it out and preserve if needed. She will be fine financially.

What can I do to survive, thrive and maybe woo her back?

40m here. While I know there were other issues behind our separation, I can’t help but wonder if this situation is wide spread and affecting other dudes?

I believe my ex became obsessed with peri menopause and ADHD diagnosis due to social media and then used chatGPT as an echo chamber for social media driven thoughts on having a ticking clock and not being happy with what she/we had.

My husband I'm almost 15 years also dated 10 years… We have two children…

got a vasectomy during our separation

Can I please have a few point from a man… During separation do you think you are completely single or are you trying to repair the marriage? I've asked my husband multiple times with separation means to him and he just says we are not married, but we are still having sex. He is still part of our family. I'm confused because I'm trying to make it work meanwhile, this does not feel right.