u/Radiant-Location-918

I signed the separation papers and I want to vomit. I cried the entire time. We mutually initiated. I know we need to separate. I cannot trust him emotionally again or work through my trauma quick enough and repair us. I have lost myself and all self confidence I used to have from our marriage and we have hurt each other so deeply. But jesus fucking christ I want my husband so badly. I didn’t think it would hurt so bad because I thought I was making the right decision. I Am still? I dont know.

He said a few days ago to go on tinder, and talked about logistics of bringing new partners home and he just sees me as another person in his life. I told him we need to sleep in separate beds the next day as it seems weve both moved on. I never feel truly heard. He told me he was saying that and feeling that to protect himself because he didnt want to separate. He wants to work through things and asked me if we work on our communication can we fix this as we signed. I just broke down. I know the answers no and it’s partly my fault. I wish I could change myself and morph to align with him because I want it to be him so badly. I know thats not healthy. But I just want it to be him but it can’t be without me sacrificing myself. I can’t wait for 5 years of therapy for things to be better. I feel so utterly destroyed and I want him so badly.

It was mutual but man am I sad. Scared of the unknown and sad I’m losing him from my life. I still love him deeply and care for him so much but I know it’s time to move on and start the next chapter of my life. I moved somewhere new for him and I’m just feeling so isolated and want nothing more than to be back in my home town. How do you move on and let go?

I am 23, getting separated from my husband. We lived together for 3 years, dated for 3 months before moving in together and been married for a year. I dont want to type out every single thing in our relationship, but it came down to these main things. I am struggling to let go because my fear of abandonment is being triggered SO BAD. I need to know I’m not crazy for needing to divorce and seperate

1. Recently started telling me fuck you and shut the fuck up

2. Doesnt help me around the house and takes no initiative

3. Told me the back of my head looked unprotected and hes all fight no flight

4. Told me i was too overweight and my stomach was too big even though Ive been the same weight and had actually lost weight when he told me that

5. Treated me awfully for a month because he felt I was promiscuous as a child/a whore and couldn’t stop picturing me with other men (I was groomed and statutorily raped from ages 13-15 with men 3x my age. Also had inappropriate things from my dad).

6. After we moved and got married, came out as christian, anti abortion, pro ice, and didnt believe gay people should get married

7. He doesn’t touch me lovingly if it won’t lead to sex. He has said himself that he doesn’t rub me or touch me lovingly because then he gets horny and I won’t have sex (we have sex 2x a week)

8. Before we got married told me hes not sure about marrying someone hes not fully attracted to and he wants someone more traditional

9. Has said many misogynistic things towards me and insults my femininity (asks why I don’t talk to him in a high pitched voice like I do for customer service)

10. Becomes petty and vindictive when we talk. Example being instead of saying he feels our relationship is going poorly, when we were watching avatar where the tree of life gets burned down he said “thats our relationship” and then frames it as a joke. He makes a lot of “jokes” that are cruel

11. He breaks doors and punches holes into walls in every place we’ve lived

12. I feel really bad about myself when I’m with him

13. He doesn’t have good personal hygiene

14 MANY MANY other big hurts and trust breaks I have from our relationship where I just will never feel like he’s ever wanted me as a person, or that I can trust him to be emotionally mature.

I am in no way perfect and struggle with flashbacks, ptsd, anxiety, etc. I can be annoying and harsh when I feel wronged. I struggle to move past hurts.

Please just tell me Im crazy for wanting to stay with him in some way. I feel so much love for him but we’re so awful for eachother. Weve always been in a cycle of we’re fine, some big hurtful thing he says to me happens, I feel distant and disassociate for 2 months, get closer, rinse repeat. Its awful. Im miserable with him and miserable without ):

Signing separation papers on Monday in our joint counseling session. I’m so nervous and scared of what the future holds. Our relationship has always been rocky and our marriage was much much worse. But I am so sad. I miss him so much, even though when we were around each other we didn’t talk or connect much at all. There was too much hurt, inconsistency, strong misaligned beliefs, and verbal abuse, threats. I still feel so confused about my decision.

What helped you find clarity in your separation? I know we need to divorce as we make each other miserable as partners but I am struggling to fathom my life without him. I’ve already read too good to leave too bad to stay a year ago and had decided to go all in. But now I’m right back where I started. I don’t know why I can’t let go. I know I need to. I have too before I’m lost to sunk cost fallacy. I can’t wait for years of work on our relationship to heal what’s been broken, when I’ve completely come to a halt on healing my personal trauma.