Do I still have a real chance with my ex-wife, or am I just clinging to hope?
My ex-wife and I were together for 10 years total since high school, married for 4, and just finalized divorce papers after about 4 months of separation.
I’m trying to be honest with myself and not live in fantasy, but I also feel like this situation is more gray than a lot of people make it sound, so I’d really appreciate outside perspective.
Here’s the situation:
The marriage broke down mainly because I was not showing up the way I needed to. I was emotionally dependent on her, controlling at times, defensive, not doing my part around the house, and had issues with drinking/weed. She felt like she was carrying too much and lost trust that I would really change.
At the same time, there is still clearly a lot of love and attachment between us.
Things she has said:
- she still cares about me and probably always will
- she misses me sometimes
- she isn’t against trying again in the future, but won’t promise anything
- when she thinks about getting back together, she feels unsure / unhappy about the old relationship dynamic
- she thinks we may have outgrown each other because she was growing while I was stuck
- she says she can’t be with me right now
A few things that make this confusing:
- after separating, we still had some long talks and some hangouts that felt warm and almost normal and had sex
- she previously gave me a rough future timeframe when she’d be less busy with school and said we could potentially hang out again then
- she has asked mutuals whether I’m talking to any girls
- she has told me she misses me at times but seems to hold herself back from reaching out because she thinks distance is best
Since the separation, I’ve made major changes:
- quit my bad habits
- stayed sober
- started a second therapist
- joined a men’s group
- got on anxiety medication
- started working out consistently
- became much more productive and responsible
- worked hard on emotional regulation and not putting pressure on her
We just recently signed divorce papers, and the interaction was friendly/cordial, not cold. We even had sex after it.
I know nobody here can predict the future, but I’m trying to figure out if this sounds like:
a woman who still loves me but is done for good
a woman who still loves me and might reconsider later if the change is real
me reading way too much into mixed signals
I know the obvious answer is “focus on yourself,” and I am. But I’d really appreciate honest thoughts from people who’ve been through separation/divorce and possible reconciliation.
Does this sound like there is still a real opening here, or do I need to stop seeing this as something that could come back?