r/NarcissisticSpouses

Excerpts:

"New research from Michigan State University challenges the popular assumption that narcissists gradually damage their relationships over time".

"Narcissists have two different ways to maintain their inflated positive self-perceptions," said Gwendolyn Seidman, lead author of the study and associate professor in MSU's Department of Psychology. "They can puff themselves up by trying to impress others (narcissistic admiration) or they can put other people down to show they are superior to them (narcissistic rivalry)."

"The study found that the rate of decline was no steeper for couples where one partner scored highly on narcissism. This suggests that long-term effects of narcissism on romantic relationships may unfold in ways that are more nuanced than previously thought".

He works overnight and I’m leaving when he goes to work. He texts and sometimes calls throughout his shift. I know when I leave to block him on everything but do I text him that I left or just cut my phone off and not say a word? I would have to cut my phone off cause he will *69 me. He has done it before.

It's been months in the making/planning but today I moved into my new home. Narc husband ended our marriage a week ago after weeks of me grey rocking and his supply (from me at least) dried up. He wanted me out as soon as possible, and wanted me broke. It was the stealth exit I'd planned. He had no idea I had found somewhere already. I knew he would be out for a rare extended period of time today, and used today as the target day. In the weeks leading up I moved smaller items, packed bags and my car. With help from family I have furniture built for my children's rooms, and I finally, *finally* have space to breath and be me, with my kids.

The narc rage hit about 1hr after he realised I'd left. He had enjoyed thinking of me struggling to find somewhere and depleting my savings (which have taken a hit). Knowing I have somewhere, I'm settled and the kids are fine has caused full outbursts. He's already crossing the boundaries I laid out in a letter I left with my keys, is using the kids as guilt trips, gaslighting, name calling, making radical demands and spouting lies like they're gospel.

And yet, despite knowing I have a rough and expensive divorce and custody agreement ahead, I am at peace and hopeful.

I am blessed with a small and mighty network of support and love to buffer me through what will come. I have this beautiful and kind community of narc spouses with sage words of advice and encouragement. And I now have myself again.

The risks taken and struggle ahead is worth it.

I’m so turned off by my narc spectrum husband’s behavior. The last thing I want is to be intimate with him. I don’t know what to do. We have young kids, I don’t make enough to leave and make it on my own. He blame shifts so much, and shuts down at like 8pm and acts like a total jerk to everyone. Do others have similar issues with their narc?

I’ve been in therapy for almost a year but I still get angry and cry when I get reminded of the abuse. I’m losing hope.

I am 2 months out of a 20 year marriage to a covert narcissist.

In the 20 years we were together, I was the main and mostly ONLY breadwinner, did the majority of the housework, had to sit there when he told other people we were with that I "refuse help" and that's why I do everything (I would tear him a new one privately but that never went well for me - go figure), was subject to his out of pocket behavior when I dared to ask him about something HE SAID HE WOULD DO, and let's face it just had to put up with man-baby tantrums on a more or less regular basis.

Now that I know who I was married to (and also why after 20 years together, he seems to miss me and our dog NOT AT ALL), I think it would be easy to look at all of this and wonder - HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?

Instead I'm going to say something different. I'm going to say - he was a lesson I needed to learn and learn DEEPLY. I've been journaling a lot about the things I have learned:

1. Watch out for victims - they are not all really victims some are only victims in their own mind

2. Watch out for moments when you are setting your own needs aside for someone else

3. All of the energy I spent pouring into him, I can now pour it into myself

4. I only have another probably 40 years max in this life (I'm 51F), don't spend one more MOMENT wasted on wondering about him in the past present OR future. I'm going to spend my present and future moments dreaming dreams for myself!

I'm so glad I found this sub! Let's all heal from this together! 💕💕💕

23 years and my head knows I have to end this but heart struggling to catch up or acknowledge the reality I’m in.

Any good outcome stories for people in similar positions?

Since I’ve been dealing/ dealt with other narcissists in my life, I’ve started wondering whether this person might also have been a narcissist - which is why I’m posting this and asking for perspectives. Because I felt severely taken advantage of, towards the end I said some angry things, which makes me wonder if I’m narcissistic: please read the whole post, thank you!

I was with someone who, especially in the beginning, was extremely loving, affectionate, and attentive. It felt intense and very close very quickly- he definitely love bombed me. (Some time has thankfully passed since this relationship ended)

At the same time, these things were happening:

• I cooked for him about 6 -8 times a month and let him stay at my place more often while he cooked about twice a month for me. We sort of seeped into this dynamic, partially my fault for continuing this despite no similar effort or making it feel like it’s fine when he should have done at least a little more than he was doing. 

•He also sometimes made me pay for more expensive things or outings and always kept a meticulous watch on when I would pay or forget to pay at a restaurant.

•I always cooked fresh food for him weekly and put lots of effort in the meals and made creative, tasty large meals and dessert while he gave me leftover salad and leftovers regularly.

•Ironically, he still complained about the price of oat milk he bought for me being expensive while doing much less. He thought he was paying more than I was in the relationship !

When he did cook something fresh for me, saying thank you once wasn’t enough. He wanted me to say thank you again.(didn’t happen all the time but it did happen)

•!!He still thought I was using him just because he once fixed my Rollos at the windows or thought he was paying more for things, which was not true, I only twice! during the whole relationship forgot to pay something.

• I also stayed with him despite him having severe impotence issues, and he did not get treatment of any sort. Additionally, I was ironically much more sexually generous than him!

• There were serious red flags of cheating that would make anyone suspicious and I addressed these a few times in a kind and gentle manner. This was too much for him.

• He dumped me from one day to the next when days before he made several future plans, and kept a recent picture of us on the fridge and told me he would make our photo his profile picture on Social Media. He asked me if i still liked him and to please not leave him because he became anxious at my discussions about his fidelity and frantic I would leave him, all while I remained calm and kind. He said he is no longer was interested and was adamant about this. By this time i had fixed his impotency issue, shortly afterwards he dumped me.

•The cherry on the cake? He was consistently jealous for absolutely no reason and asking me monitoring-like questions about what I did on certain days every week, as well as other covert control like questions. When he didn’t know something about what i did he would drill me down with questions.

• !He told me murderers are only people, he joked that he was a dangerous man and had no moral compass, that he knew my passwords by now because he saw me type them, asked me about other passwords and wanted to know who else has access to my keys.

• He repeatedly initiated phone calls with me and always sighed at the very beginning of the call making me question why we are having the call.

• At least 8 times I thought he gaslighted me about trivial things, I started to question my perception of reality repeatedly. This has not occurred in other relationships. Occasional occurrences like this did occur but not like this.

• He consistently talked down to me, like I don’t know much, but in very subtle ways.

All of this happened while he remained very calm, gentle, and affectionate on the surface. That cognitive dissonance made it really hard to process what was actually happening.

I still sometimes question whether I was the one more in the wrong, even though there’s clear evidence of behavior that wasn’t okay.

Toward the end, I became very angry after being abruptly discarded despite all the recent future plans. I said things I strongly regret, and part of me felt very guilty about that. Another part of me felt like I had been pushed to a point and got severely taken advantage of, so I finally let everything out. Making me wonder if that makes me narcissistic? 

So I’m trying to understand: does this pattern sound like he is a narcissist, or something else?

Thank you very much 

I am trying to leave my narcissistic husband. I have a plan in place. I’m just scared (not physically) to execute it. A part of me feels guilty. Like I know I need to leave while he is gone to work, but I feel guilty for leaving someone like that. Is that normal? Any tips or suggestions would be really helpful!

My divorce should be finalized within the next month. In couples therapy, he acted like he would do a kitchen table divorce. But in reality, my lawyer had to threaten him with fees to get him to sign. He delayed every step of the divorce process.

I found out my ex husband, who I believed to be 100% straight, was on sniffies messaging men pictures of his penis and face with the most graphic messages and plans to meet up. I’ll never know if he ever met up with anyone. He also was talking to an ex girlfriend, a female coworker, trans women on only fans, and god knows who else. His need for supply seemed endless.

In addition to this, I found out he had been talking shit on me, his wife, to anyone who would listen: his friends, family, co workers. But of course never would say the truth of what was really going on. I also found out he had a porn and weed addiction, that he still claims to not have. “I can stop if I want to.” 😂

Every time I thought I was seeing something, he would lie to me and throw me off the scent. Soon I realized I had to record things so that I could know that what I saw or heard really happened. He would lie about anything he could.

The cruelty he put me through after I discovered his sniffies account was horrendous. He pretended like he cared at first, but then started to play victim and blame me. He put me through more mental games after that than I care to admit. It took me 3 months of me playing detective and him running and hiding for me to finally end it for good. I was with him for about 8 years, with almost 3 married. I think the reason it took me 3 months to fully cut it off was the shock of it all. I really couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. I still can’t believe it today, but I do accept it.

After I kicked him out of the house, he kept me on a string by confusing me and just doing more fucked up things to me. I would ask him questions, beg him for the truth, and he would just tell lies or give vague answers or just ignore what I asked.

Finally, almost a year ago, I drove out to his mom’s house to see him. This surprised him and he refused to see me at his mom’s house and said his mom wouldn’t let me in. I got him to meet me at a local ice cream shop. I finally got some answers, and knew that it was done. I saw what I needed to see.

I’ll be no contact a full year this June. It feels really good. The first few months of no contact were really brutal, but after months 3/4, it got much better.

It does get better! I never thought it would. I am so relieved and happy to be away from this abusive man. I never knew a thing about narcissism before any of this happened. But he is a textbook narcissist. It all made sense once I figured it out. Once I caught him in a lie, his mask started to slip and slip until it was on the floor and he couldn’t pick it up anymore. He knew I saw him for who he really was. He put on quite a show for the time I was with him.

To anyone going through it, you can do it! It will get better. Hang in there.

My narc husband and I are in one of our periods where we are getting along very well. He called me today while he knew I was at my computer getting some work done. He didn’t ask if I had a minute or if I could do something for him, he just starts rattling off something he wants me to do on my computer. This is very common of him and I really wasn’t irritated at first.

Then as I’m trying to do the 1st task, he starts telling me to look up something online that he wanted me to see. I try to tell him that I’m still trying to do the first thing and he takes kind of irritated tone and tells me he can’t hear me and tells me that I am turning away from the from phone. I am literally trying to type with both hands while the phone rests on my shoulder. I’m not turning away.

I don’t know what about him saying that to me flipped a switch, but I completely lost my shit, told him that I was not turning away from the phone, and I was speaking directly into the fucking phone.

Now I feel bad that I acted like that but I did not try to apologize. My apologies are usually not well received by him.

I don’t even know where that came from. I’ve been thinking about it all day.

Editing to add: I’ve left before and he always begged me back and I always came back. I’m fleeing 12 hours away so that doesn’t happen again. Cause he knows exactly how to get me back.

Just trying to learn more about this because I’m fairly new to a narc relationship. Been together a year and a half. Been married 6 months. He has been clean a year with my help. Thought that was the problem. Refused to believe who he was. I don’t work. He works nights. Want to list a few things he does to get more info on what I’m dealing with.

- constantly wanting me to feed his ego

- told me yesterday morning when he got home from work our relationship was on thin ice and took ring off and I don’t contribute anything to this relationship cause for the first time since he started his new job 2 months ago, I didn’t greet him or ask him how work went. (He got off at 7 am and I was asleep when he got home) he Went to sleep and left me to sit with what he said. Woke up and acted like everything was normal. Even had sex. I didn’t want to ( I mean who would after being treated like that) but I told him one time I didn’t feel like it and he completely blew up at me so I just do it anyway.

Then put his ring back on and left for work and I’m still stuck on this morning and he acts like everything is normal. Even being nicer than normal.

- constantly reminding me how he works so much and I have it so easy

- lost my car a few months ago. The company he works for called us on the same day. I didn’t have a reliable ride since we would have been on different shifts so he told me not to worry about working. Now when he gets mad at me, he complains I’m not trying to help him and that All I care about is his money(mind you, we have been broke our whole relationship so him having money is new) I WANT to work but again no reliable ride. He has a car and keeps talking about him getting a new one and that I won’t need one if I’m choosing to stay at home.

- can’t make a mistake or he belittles me. No matter how many things I do right.

Those are just a few recent things. Or daily things. There are a lot more situations but this post would be a book if I listed them all.

I have a plan in place to leave this weekend. Leaving in middle of night while he is at work. Taking greyhound from Mississippi to Dallas. Keeping my phone even tho he pays for it. Not riding 12 hours on a greyhound without one. I just know how he is gonna make me look. Also he has only been clean a year and he has told me before that if I ever left him he would more than likely relapse but he wasn’t working then so maybe he won’t. I know I would be blamed for that.

I can’t be “loved like this forever”. I know if I don’t get out now I never will.

I want to ask something from people in this group. If your NPD partner is using withholding sex or intimacy to control you. how do you manage! I mean, are there any validity and limitations of our loyalty towards them? hHow it is managed of we don't have options to leave. should we give up or sexual needs!

I’m throwing my sister a baby shower his weekend. We’ve (obviously) had this date picked for literal months. I confirmed with my suspected narc husband that he could take care of our two kids (4 and 1) Friday evening and practically all day Saturday.

Well of course, Monday (5 days prior to the event) he tells me he has to work Friday evening and Saturday morning. Now mind you… my husband is a college basketball coach. It’s April. He is not in busy season. He has the ability to say no to both events… neither are required. One is a recruit coming unannounced and the other is an accepted students day, which he is not required to attend and has no real reason to be there. None of the incoming basketball student signed up for a meeting with him, he just wants to say hi. 🫠

I’m so frustrated. I swear every single time I have something planned, he has to have something planned that throws off my premade plans. It literally never fails. We’re in a good spot right now and I know pointing out how this makes me feel will send him spiraling. He’s already made a dozen passive aggressive comments about how this weekend is “all about you (me) and your plans”. But now it isn’t because I have to switch gears to work around your schedule????

Am I crazy for being frustrated over this? I feel like I shouldn’t feel crazy, but I do? I know that’s a narc abuse thing but dang… it’s hard to see clearly you’re in the thick of it.

for me i had my doubts now and then but i used to brush it off. but one day I was at the hospital and asked him to accompany me bcoz i had to get a scan and he denied and blamed me of making things up for attention. I was having this conversation over texts and i was reading them while i was getting my vitals checked before the doctor consultation and the nurse kept asking me if I had heart issues bcoz my BP was reading very high..thats when I knew for sure that, it wasnt all just in my head that his treatment genuinely hurts and stresses me out. it was confirmation that my body physically feels stressed out and that im not just bringing things up bcoz I "just cant be peaceful when everything is fine". a lot of things became clear to me that day.

I didn’t fall in love with who they were. I fell in love with who I thought they could be.
I saw the broken parts and thought, “If I just love them right, they’ll heal.”
I really believed we’d get there someday. That all the confusion and hurt would eventually make sense.

But loving someone isn’t supposed to feel like a long-term project you’re fixing alone.
At some point, I realized I was the only one trying to build something real.

I've been with my BPD covert narc wife for 9 years. This is the week I've finally realized nothing will ever change. It's always about her. She's always a victim. She puts her 40 year old son ahead of me. She's never accountable. She's financially reckless and irresponsible. She lies. She's secretive. She's run up her credit cards. Her credit is shit. When I ask about her finances she tells me it's none of my business - even though we have a mortgage and a few loans in our names together. We are in our late 50's. Second marriage for us both. I have no idea of she has life insurance. I can't ask her about it because she tells me it's none of my business. When I try to have a conversation with her about our finances she is evasive. It's exhausting. I shouldn't have to have a battle with my partner.

I plan on leaving my husband and have contacted an attorney of which cannot see me until the end of the month. We have 3 children together (4, 2, and 1) so I am trying to be as normal as possible. He doesn't know I've contacted an attorney but I feel like he can sense the shift. My father recently passed away he lived in another state and upon coming back from his funeral and being with my family (who hates my husband and he hates them) I just can no longer be with this man. Before we ever even got married he told me we would be divorced in 5 years I should have ran then but at that point I had already moved across the country for him away from my family so I stayed. I've not been cold with my husband but I've not been loving either, I communicate if there are things that involve the kids. He asked 2 weeks ago if I filed the papers to which I told him no because I haven't and I dont want to tell him that I'm planning to because he has abusive tendencies (though he says he doesn't). Since then he has been on his best behavior, helping around the house without asking, when I've made comments in passing about wanting to get something done he's on it when usually it's pulling teeth to get him to do things. He has tried to hug, kiss etc which I really have no desire to do, I do the bare minimum. This morning he grabbed my face telling me how much he loved me asking me if I knew that etc. However, 3 weeks ago he told me he was only staying in this marriage for the kids and only loved 5% also what has helped me move forward with wanting to file for divorce. Then last week he said he wants to sit down and talk about our 5 year plan and what 34 year olds do we know make the money we make and plan to buy a lake house, and side by sides, etc so made it sound like hes more in it for me to fund HIS lifestyle. Anyways I am pretty confident that I want to move forward with divorcing him. How have others navigated this in between time or suggest navigating it etc? He has been horrible to me, he's starting on our 4 year old name calling and now the 4 year in turn has started using those names on our 2 year old etc. I'm just sort of rambling now... I'm scared have flip flopped on if I'm making the right decision. Divorce has come up so many times in our short marriage but he always lures me back in telling me he knows what it's like to grow up without a father and I of course don't want that for my children but I also am terrified that they will turn out like him. He has made threats of killing my family and burning their house down, threats that if I ever remarried he'd kill that person, falsely inprisoned me multiple times which he mocks and doesn't think is abuse.

This is going to be a very long post, but if you want to know how a relationship with a highly intelligent covert narcissist looks like, you might be interested to read this.

I've seen so much shit in my life, including a past relationship with someone that had BPD, but my relationship with a highly intelligent covert narcissist is like the most insane thing I have ever experienced in my whole life and I wish I never did and will again. I'm in therapy for months and I feel nobody can feel in how much pain and mindfuck I'm still now. I tried to get to get back control and compute everything, by reading, listening, viewing explanations about NPD, and the more I read about it and think about that woman, I get chills and goosepumps.

Around 5 years ago I worked as a private tutor for a divorced mother in her mid 40ths and her two children. By time I became a friend of the family, we ate together, played games with the children, helped where I can, had great moments and so forth. The mother, my future partner, was always friendly, sympathic, generous, eloquent, shy and was even crying in front of me, because of the pain she had, because of her divorce and her husband leaving her. I alway tried to comfort her, telling everything is going to be fine. She was also charismatic, attractive, had great cooking skills, highly intelligent with a huge collection of books (also about children psychology, which I didn't know why). During the pandemic she ignited candles in solidarity with health workers and even invited a refugee mother with her children for a dinner multiple times. She always said how important it is to help people and spread love. I tutored her older child for around 2 years and not a single moment I thought this person was capable of doing any harm to any human being. We are remaining contact after my tutoring and saw her family often.

Last year ago we randomly met on the streets and she invited me to come over to her. We had a great evening, drinking alcohol, talking about love, history, our lives, religion and so much more. She was so interesting for me, we hugged each other in a moment of silence, feeling a deep connection. We met again and again and I had the feeling I found the love of my life, she seemed so caring and loving. I spent beautiful evenings with her and her son, playing with him, laughing together and living life, having great sex with her and so on. We always told to ourselves how important it is to solve conflicts and that we should always talk openly about our issues. It was the most beautiful time I have experienced for a long time.

Then one evening she asked me to share what my problems are and with what I'm struggling in life. I felt so safe around her, she seemed so understanding and gave me tips how to deal with my problems, told her about my insecurities and how my damaged childhood with my father has hurt me, opening up in front of her while having tears in my eyes and then out of nowhere when I talked about this specific topic, she sad in an ice cold voice "This is so ridiciolous, this is soooo ridiculous. I grew up in a family with a psychopathic father that was capable of slaughtering my whole family, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD IS". I was in a state of shock. Never in all those years I saw her this way and I said that "Thiiiis was not ok" she switched back to a very friendly face and voice again and acted caring and listened to me.

From that point things started getting odd. She asked for more and more help (household, tutoring her child, etc), insulted me in subtile ways, controlled me how I should eat my meal, critisized me how I look, talked bad about her ex and that she want to use child protective service against him because the way he treats his children is harmful, my haircut looks weird, my nose doesn't fit to my face (even though she has a visible broken nose), but when I critizied her she got angry and threatened me to reduce our relationship to a "friendship". Between those short toxic behaviours she was nice, friendly and caring, we had great times which made it difficult for me to make sense and that's the reason why I ignored the red flags, but I always felt unsafe around her somehow.

One time she told me, in a calm and shy voice that she doesn't have pity for people that "let themselves being manipulated". Her favorite TV shows were about manipulation like "The Serpent" or "The Girlfriend". When her twelve year old son, which I tutored, received good marks on a math test he passed, I gifted him a Roblox card next to her. Then she asked me in a friendly voice "and where is my gift?" being jealous of her own child. Things became more and more strange. One day her son asked me to talk to him in private and then he told me that she was controlled the mobile phones of her ex-husband, his brothers and his own over and over again. His brother moved already to his father, because of the everyday fights he had with her, which he has now with her. He said this is going on for more than 10 years and after he told me this he asked me not to tell his mother what he told me and I saw in his face that he feared her.

I became more and more cautious. Then one day she wrote me another message (we didn't live together) for another favor with the same sentenced she used over and over again "If you do that I see that I'm important for you". I was had enough of this manipulative BS and wrote her that I'm disappointed that I have to proof her my love over and over again and why she doesn't feel that she is important for me after all things I have done already. She exploded and wrote me that she is dissappointed of me, how dare I gave her the impression that she is exploitive and make "lists" what I'm doing for her and was furious that she can't ask for anything from me in the future. I told her that I can't recognize sometimes and that I don't know why is that. She replied angrily again, that she doesn't think it's fine that I describe her as uncontrollable. I wrote her back that this behaviour is not ok and she is hurting my feelings. "You are so sensitive about everything, think about it. Nobody is nice all the time". My father being sick is not a "doomsday" and much more disgusting messages. I ignored her after that.

Around 5 hours later after this conversation her son, which i tutored, came back from school with another good grade "Thank you, for helping us, my son good an B+, do you want to come over so we can resolve our issues, while my son is playing at the park?". I went to her appartment, she opened the door with a smile and calm voice "come in". I sat down on the sofa and she looked at me with a smile and friendly voice "everything is ok" which I repliead "no it's not". Then the mask slipped in a millisecond and her smile changed to an extremely, hateful angry face. She became enraged, accused me of all kinds of things, screamed at me, "it right people say it takes time to see the true face of people". She tried to gaslight me with lies and blamed me for everything imaginable. At one time I couldn't bear it anymore and began to cry, when she gave me a stare of death, in which I saw no empathy, just an empty void and hatred in her eyes. "Oh common, you are so sensible, stop it" "You are so emotional". I told hear in tears that I can't recognize her and that she doesn't know how much I felt and did for her. I stood up and tried to leave her appartment, but she hindered me, hugged me, while smiling and laughing "everything is ok", while I was in tears and said "no it's not ok". I told her that she is aggressive, has no empathy and I can understand other people leaving her when she behaves like that (everytime I told her this she cringed with her whole body). She discarded me with a smile in her face, telling me that she would hurt me over and over again, while I had tears in my eyes and was completely heartbroken. Then all of a sudden her son comes back from the park and entered the appartment. Immediatly she switched to her friendly mask, like nothing happened. I hugged her son the last time and she closed the doors behind me, smiled and said "bye".

I was so heartbroken, my whole body was shivering. I didn't have hunger for days, couldn't sleep or work and was a living corpse walking. When I met my parents the first time after what happened (my father is now a better person now), I was shaking over an hour in their bed, cried and they tried to calm me down. Thank god I have my parents, without them I would probably be at suicide risk. Till this day I'm still hypersensitive to any stress, feeling anxious, depressed and so much more. It's the most fucked up experience I've ever had in my life. I never had the impression that this person was capable of such ice cold, hatred and inhumane behaviour. I can't comprehend it even now, because I thought I know this person for 5 years and then this.

She never excused for it, showed any regret, just wrote me "Hi, how are you doing?", "Are you still mad at me" and other messages after this event.

I tried to comprehend what the actual fuck was happened and found out that her behaviour is matching to that of a covert narcissist and looked about what narcissism is. No accountability, no remorse, no affective empathy, hurting, manipulating even their own children at their expense! It was all fitting to her. This is just freaking me out and even though I was hurted like I was never before, for some reason, I feel pity for her. That she had a childhood that was extremely abusive (she once told me in a close moment that she need someone that repairs her wounded heart) and I know that she didn't choose to have this soul cancer, called NPD, in her.

After knowing what is NPD, where it comes from etc. I tried to help her and to make her self aware about NPD, so she can heal and that she will recognize the pain she is inflicting on others. I sent her a book about NPD and childhood trauma, how they are interconnected to each other, and wrote her in the most compationed way possible, that it can show her a way to heal her wounded heart and also that if she doesn't read them she will risk loosing the rest of her family (the last son living with her).

She replied me with: "Then I will loose it. Maybe I find another man instead :)"

Never in my life I experienced such a cold hearted person in my life, such betrayal, such pain , such carelessness about her own family and I feel deeply sorry for her children having such a mother, that is reading books about child psychology so she can manipulate her children better, and for all the men in the future that will come. After time I looked back realized that I'm not the only one that she is manipulating. She is manipulating all her friends, to take care of her child, when she is at work, bring garbage to the garbage dump, even cleaning her fucking dishes. Telling them that they are her sisters, daughters and before we had a relationship I was like a son to her, and nobody knows what a hypocritical, manipulative, egocentric, hateful and abusive person she really is and it's still going on. I can't comprehend someone living a fake life for years like her and being such cruel behind closed doors.

Asking about my therapist that I still feel pitty for her (which is surely a trauma response from me), she told me that even if she had a traumatic childhood and a personality disorder, nothing excuses any of her behaviour and her responsability. She is an adult and like every adult she has responsability for herself and others. If we would would consider everyones traumatic childhood, when they are crossing red lines, our entire judicial system would have to be changed to the point of absurdity. Yes, for some people it's harder to do that, but still it's their responsability. Before this relationship I wouldn't even thing about looking for excuses for her, and it's probably my trauma response to this whole situation, but this gave me a wake up call and kinda helped me to feel less pity and allowing myself to feel disgust and anger against the person that did this to me.

Even if she went all this pain through her childhood, she should goddamn know how abuse felt on herself and it's not acceptable to pass this pain to other people, especially those who are close to them. You have a fucking responsability! I hope that one day she will take it, recognize the pain she spread to all other people in all her life time and heal. But if you are not, I hope that all people around you will see through your lies, your fake smiles, your fakeness and exclude you from their lives as soon as possible.