Completely mindfucked and heartbroken after a relationship with a highly intelligent covert narcissist
This is going to be a very long post, but if you want to know how a relationship with a highly intelligent covert narcissist looks like, you might be interested to read this.
I've seen so much shit in my life, including a past relationship with someone that had BPD, but my relationship with a highly intelligent covert narcissist is like the most insane thing I have ever experienced in my whole life and I wish I never did and will again. I'm in therapy for months and I feel nobody can feel in how much pain and mindfuck I'm still now. I tried to get to get back control and compute everything, by reading, listening, viewing explanations about NPD, and the more I read about it and think about that woman, I get chills and goosepumps.
Around 5 years ago I worked as a private tutor for a divorced mother in her mid 40ths and her two children. By time I became a friend of the family, we ate together, played games with the children, helped where I can, had great moments and so forth. The mother, my future partner, was always friendly, sympathic, generous, eloquent, shy and was even crying in front of me, because of the pain she had, because of her divorce and her husband leaving her. I alway tried to comfort her, telling everything is going to be fine. She was also charismatic, attractive, had great cooking skills, highly intelligent with a huge collection of books (also about children psychology, which I didn't know why). During the pandemic she ignited candles in solidarity with health workers and even invited a refugee mother with her children for a dinner multiple times. She always said how important it is to help people and spread love. I tutored her older child for around 2 years and not a single moment I thought this person was capable of doing any harm to any human being. We are remaining contact after my tutoring and saw her family often.
Last year ago we randomly met on the streets and she invited me to come over to her. We had a great evening, drinking alcohol, talking about love, history, our lives, religion and so much more. She was so interesting for me, we hugged each other in a moment of silence, feeling a deep connection. We met again and again and I had the feeling I found the love of my life, she seemed so caring and loving. I spent beautiful evenings with her and her son, playing with him, laughing together and living life, having great sex with her and so on. We always told to ourselves how important it is to solve conflicts and that we should always talk openly about our issues. It was the most beautiful time I have experienced for a long time.
Then one evening she asked me to share what my problems are and with what I'm struggling in life. I felt so safe around her, she seemed so understanding and gave me tips how to deal with my problems, told her about my insecurities and how my damaged childhood with my father has hurt me, opening up in front of her while having tears in my eyes and then out of nowhere when I talked about this specific topic, she sad in an ice cold voice "This is so ridiciolous, this is soooo ridiculous. I grew up in a family with a psychopathic father that was capable of slaughtering my whole family, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD IS". I was in a state of shock. Never in all those years I saw her this way and I said that "Thiiiis was not ok" she switched back to a very friendly face and voice again and acted caring and listened to me.
From that point things started getting odd. She asked for more and more help (household, tutoring her child, etc), insulted me in subtile ways, controlled me how I should eat my meal, critisized me how I look, talked bad about her ex and that she want to use child protective service against him because the way he treats his children is harmful, my haircut looks weird, my nose doesn't fit to my face (even though she has a visible broken nose), but when I critizied her she got angry and threatened me to reduce our relationship to a "friendship". Between those short toxic behaviours she was nice, friendly and caring, we had great times which made it difficult for me to make sense and that's the reason why I ignored the red flags, but I always felt unsafe around her somehow.
One time she told me, in a calm and shy voice that she doesn't have pity for people that "let themselves being manipulated". Her favorite TV shows were about manipulation like "The Serpent" or "The Girlfriend". When her twelve year old son, which I tutored, received good marks on a math test he passed, I gifted him a Roblox card next to her. Then she asked me in a friendly voice "and where is my gift?" being jealous of her own child. Things became more and more strange. One day her son asked me to talk to him in private and then he told me that she was controlled the mobile phones of her ex-husband, his brothers and his own over and over again. His brother moved already to his father, because of the everyday fights he had with her, which he has now with her. He said this is going on for more than 10 years and after he told me this he asked me not to tell his mother what he told me and I saw in his face that he feared her.
I became more and more cautious. Then one day she wrote me another message (we didn't live together) for another favor with the same sentenced she used over and over again "If you do that I see that I'm important for you". I was had enough of this manipulative BS and wrote her that I'm disappointed that I have to proof her my love over and over again and why she doesn't feel that she is important for me after all things I have done already. She exploded and wrote me that she is dissappointed of me, how dare I gave her the impression that she is exploitive and make "lists" what I'm doing for her and was furious that she can't ask for anything from me in the future. I told her that I can't recognize sometimes and that I don't know why is that. She replied angrily again, that she doesn't think it's fine that I describe her as uncontrollable. I wrote her back that this behaviour is not ok and she is hurting my feelings. "You are so sensitive about everything, think about it. Nobody is nice all the time". My father being sick is not a "doomsday" and much more disgusting messages. I ignored her after that.
Around 5 hours later after this conversation her son, which i tutored, came back from school with another good grade "Thank you, for helping us, my son good an B+, do you want to come over so we can resolve our issues, while my son is playing at the park?". I went to her appartment, she opened the door with a smile and calm voice "come in". I sat down on the sofa and she looked at me with a smile and friendly voice "everything is ok" which I repliead "no it's not". Then the mask slipped in a millisecond and her smile changed to an extremely, hateful angry face. She became enraged, accused me of all kinds of things, screamed at me, "it right people say it takes time to see the true face of people". She tried to gaslight me with lies and blamed me for everything imaginable. At one time I couldn't bear it anymore and began to cry, when she gave me a stare of death, in which I saw no empathy, just an empty void and hatred in her eyes. "Oh common, you are so sensible, stop it" "You are so emotional". I told hear in tears that I can't recognize her and that she doesn't know how much I felt and did for her. I stood up and tried to leave her appartment, but she hindered me, hugged me, while smiling and laughing "everything is ok", while I was in tears and said "no it's not ok". I told her that she is aggressive, has no empathy and I can understand other people leaving her when she behaves like that (everytime I told her this she cringed with her whole body). She discarded me with a smile in her face, telling me that she would hurt me over and over again, while I had tears in my eyes and was completely heartbroken. Then all of a sudden her son comes back from the park and entered the appartment. Immediatly she switched to her friendly mask, like nothing happened. I hugged her son the last time and she closed the doors behind me, smiled and said "bye".
I was so heartbroken, my whole body was shivering. I didn't have hunger for days, couldn't sleep or work and was a living corpse walking. When I met my parents the first time after what happened (my father is now a better person now), I was shaking over an hour in their bed, cried and they tried to calm me down. Thank god I have my parents, without them I would probably be at suicide risk. Till this day I'm still hypersensitive to any stress, feeling anxious, depressed and so much more. It's the most fucked up experience I've ever had in my life. I never had the impression that this person was capable of such ice cold, hatred and inhumane behaviour. I can't comprehend it even now, because I thought I know this person for 5 years and then this.
She never excused for it, showed any regret, just wrote me "Hi, how are you doing?", "Are you still mad at me" and other messages after this event.
I tried to comprehend what the actual fuck was happened and found out that her behaviour is matching to that of a covert narcissist and looked about what narcissism is. No accountability, no remorse, no affective empathy, hurting, manipulating even their own children at their expense! It was all fitting to her. This is just freaking me out and even though I was hurted like I was never before, for some reason, I feel pity for her. That she had a childhood that was extremely abusive (she once told me in a close moment that she need someone that repairs her wounded heart) and I know that she didn't choose to have this soul cancer, called NPD, in her.
After knowing what is NPD, where it comes from etc. I tried to help her and to make her self aware about NPD, so she can heal and that she will recognize the pain she is inflicting on others. I sent her a book about NPD and childhood trauma, how they are interconnected to each other, and wrote her in the most compationed way possible, that it can show her a way to heal her wounded heart and also that if she doesn't read them she will risk loosing the rest of her family (the last son living with her).
She replied me with: "Then I will loose it. Maybe I find another man instead :)"
Never in my life I experienced such a cold hearted person in my life, such betrayal, such pain , such carelessness about her own family and I feel deeply sorry for her children having such a mother, that is reading books about child psychology so she can manipulate her children better, and for all the men in the future that will come. After time I looked back realized that I'm not the only one that she is manipulating. She is manipulating all her friends, to take care of her child, when she is at work, bring garbage to the garbage dump, even cleaning her fucking dishes. Telling them that they are her sisters, daughters and before we had a relationship I was like a son to her, and nobody knows what a hypocritical, manipulative, egocentric, hateful and abusive person she really is and it's still going on. I can't comprehend someone living a fake life for years like her and being such cruel behind closed doors.
Asking about my therapist that I still feel pitty for her (which is surely a trauma response from me), she told me that even if she had a traumatic childhood and a personality disorder, nothing excuses any of her behaviour and her responsability. She is an adult and like every adult she has responsability for herself and others. If we would would consider everyones traumatic childhood, when they are crossing red lines, our entire judicial system would have to be changed to the point of absurdity. Yes, for some people it's harder to do that, but still it's their responsability. Before this relationship I wouldn't even thing about looking for excuses for her, and it's probably my trauma response to this whole situation, but this gave me a wake up call and kinda helped me to feel less pity and allowing myself to feel disgust and anger against the person that did this to me.
Even if she went all this pain through her childhood, she should goddamn know how abuse felt on herself and it's not acceptable to pass this pain to other people, especially those who are close to them. You have a fucking responsability! I hope that one day she will take it, recognize the pain she spread to all other people in all her life time and heal. But if you are not, I hope that all people around you will see through your lies, your fake smiles, your fakeness and exclude you from their lives as soon as possible.