Before Separating
I plan on leaving my husband and have contacted an attorney of which cannot see me until the end of the month. We have 3 children together (4, 2, and 1) so I am trying to be as normal as possible. He doesn't know I've contacted an attorney but I feel like he can sense the shift. My father recently passed away he lived in another state and upon coming back from his funeral and being with my family (who hates my husband and he hates them) I just can no longer be with this man. Before we ever even got married he told me we would be divorced in 5 years I should have ran then but at that point I had already moved across the country for him away from my family so I stayed. I've not been cold with my husband but I've not been loving either, I communicate if there are things that involve the kids. He asked 2 weeks ago if I filed the papers to which I told him no because I haven't and I dont want to tell him that I'm planning to because he has abusive tendencies (though he says he doesn't). Since then he has been on his best behavior, helping around the house without asking, when I've made comments in passing about wanting to get something done he's on it when usually it's pulling teeth to get him to do things. He has tried to hug, kiss etc which I really have no desire to do, I do the bare minimum. This morning he grabbed my face telling me how much he loved me asking me if I knew that etc. However, 3 weeks ago he told me he was only staying in this marriage for the kids and only loved 5% also what has helped me move forward with wanting to file for divorce. Then last week he said he wants to sit down and talk about our 5 year plan and what 34 year olds do we know make the money we make and plan to buy a lake house, and side by sides, etc so made it sound like hes more in it for me to fund HIS lifestyle. Anyways I am pretty confident that I want to move forward with divorcing him. How have others navigated this in between time or suggest navigating it etc? He has been horrible to me, he's starting on our 4 year old name calling and now the 4 year in turn has started using those names on our 2 year old etc. I'm just sort of rambling now... I'm scared have flip flopped on if I'm making the right decision. Divorce has come up so many times in our short marriage but he always lures me back in telling me he knows what it's like to grow up without a father and I of course don't want that for my children but I also am terrified that they will turn out like him. He has made threats of killing my family and burning their house down, threats that if I ever remarried he'd kill that person, falsely inprisoned me multiple times which he mocks and doesn't think is abuse.