r/MtF

Really a vent but posting as sex talk since well, this deals with sex.

Far too often in social spaces I see trans women perpetuating misogyny against other women and treating us as sexual objects. Be it an older (out longer) trans woman and a younger (newly out) trans woman in a ... dubious relationship, or a trans woman (usually in. polycule) who treats every social interaction like it's an opportunity to get in someones pants, we really, as a community need to do better. Both to put up boundaries and to act with grace and maturity.

I say this with the experience of running several social groups in my homecity for trans women and my own personal observations. While the majority of people are chill, there is a loud minority who give a bad rap to these intentional community spaces.

Stop trying to sleep with your friends. Friendship as trans women is SOOOOO vitally important. Friendship can't really exist though when there is expectation of sexual favors and unwanted flirtation. We need each other now more than ever but it seems like women who came out post COVID are under the impression that sex is our social currency. It's not.

I feel like a lot of it is allowed to happen because 1. many people feel like they must accept this as a part of community because they otherwise won't make friends, 2. this may be the only way they'll be deserving of love, 3. they don't and they retreat from community and lose out on real friendships with other trans women.

From a community leader perspective, I've seen first hand people stop coming because they're looking for platonic connections at a platonic event but they get sexually harassed or propositioned or met with the assumption that because they're also a trans woman they're also a lesbian.

We need to have a serious conversation about consent as a larger community.

This is kinda disjointed but I needed to put this out into the universe. Have you noticed anything similar in your community or am I just a crazy prude?

Im so angry at the fact another sister lost her life, I thought after the other day it would be a while before we heard anything else and now another sister killed this time in her own home, ladies defend yourselfs cause these fascist cunts think they can get away with murder. They cant. Stay strong and defend yourself

I 39f (pan) Had the best year of my life. Moved out of my crappy camper and 20 year abusive marriage into my new partner’s suburban. She was so supportive and loving and kind, literally the other half of my soul and was the catalyst to my transition. I learned I’ve been trans literally my whole life and how to support myself in it. Started HRT on Christmas. I’ve had massive changes in lots of ways, good and bad. I honestly feel blessed. But I like guys more now than ever and that makes her very uncomfortable. Today, she expressed that she needs to know I’m not more into guys and I need to find out as I’ve never had a boyfriend. Looks like I’m not only single again, but homeless again in the same night. Got $6 though, and my penjamin so it’s not all bad.
Sorry for the long post. I’m just crazy depressed.

I cant deal with this anymore. It causes impairment on my life to the point i avoid social interactions or going outside. I have major fatigue, feeling everyday this pain everytime i see my face, everytime i remind myself that this is my life now makes me want to give on everything altogether. My sleep isnt best too, everything sucks. I try to focus on my work, my routine everyday but those dysphoric thoughts, self resignation it doesnt go away. I cry most of my days, its no way to live.

So, I have this friend. He's a cis gay man, and 95% of the time he's genuinely really cool and great to be around.

however, he has a tendency to 'half-joke' about being a lesbian, and how many women call him a lesbian, and that hes spiritually lesbian, or whatever. This.. really irks me - primarily because, no, you're a cis man, you cannot be a lesbian. it feels like you're conveying that queer women & non-men are a joke, and it also feels weirdly 'comp-het'?..

secondly, he's dating a trans man. calling himself a lesbian.. it feels sorta transphobic? his bf doesn't seem to mind it, but to be fair i haven't asked him if he does mind it. but like.. wouldn't that imply a 'womanly-ness' to his bf?.. it, idk, it's weird. 

thirdly, i get a little jealous. I feel like i have to sorta prove myself 'worthy' of that term due to being trans ( not specifically that friend group, but like.. just in general). I've had some issues where I feel reduced to an 'amab' or where i dont feel like i'm taken seriously. i feel like i have to justify being myself to society, and then this cis guy just jokes around with a label i have a hard time 'fighting' for?

oh, and also, he called himself a black woman maybe once or twice? - i.e that people say he's 'like a black woman', and he tried to call himself a stud. I quickly shut that shit down. We're a friend group of mostly white people, myself included. I get that lesbian might be a bit of an ambiguous term, but calling yourself a black woman?? that's gotta be racist, no? 

idk how to really feel. this is kind of a vent as it irks me really bad, but i also worry that i might be taking it too personally? thoughts?

Finally managed to get the court order for my name change and social security card with the correct name on it. Went to the Hillsborough DMV today to have my license updated with the new name and was denied without giving consent to revert my gender marker because they have a 15 year old passport on file that has the wrong marker. I already changed my last name after marriage and my address before without an issue. Both being after the Jan 2024 memo.

I made them give me their refusal in writing and sent an email to Simone Chriss, with the document they gave me saying they have to revert my marker to change my name, even after offering documents from social security that say female and my new name on them.

At this point if she doesn't take my case idk what to do. I declined to have my license updated today because I'd rather my name be wrong(Deadname is unisex) than my marker be wrong.

Is there anyone else I should contact? Am I just screwed until Trump is out of office and I can get a new passport?

Went to the doctor today and found out I’ve lost 3 inches of total height, from 6’8” (203cm) to 6’5” (195cm) along with losing 3 shoe sizes I’m so happy with these changes.

As I get older, the girl I could've been becomes more distant and elusive. The woman that I imagine myself as may have been possible if I started years ago but I don't think so anymore. I'm 17, I don't have that feeling of being trapped in the wrong body. It's more perverse than that. It feels like I've been cursed. It feels like my body is betraying me. It feels like I'm slowly mutating into something monstrous. My jaw gets stronger, my shoulders broader, my ribcage wider. It feels like I'm being disfigured. I can't even start hrt until I'm 18 and worse yet I can't undo any of this. I'm stuck being like this. I don't wanna get surgery, God knows I can't afford it. I don't wanna look like an ogre with lipstick on. I don't wanna be wide and hairy and broad and unlovable. I hate that I never got the chance to be a teenaged girl. I hate that my existence will always be "political". I hate that I'll always have to defend my identity and explain it. I hate that I'll always have to worry about being raped or murdered or tortured. I hate that I'll always feel like I'm comitting some crime against humanity just for existing. I hate that I'll always be seen as a freak. I hate that no one will ever see me as a real girl. I wish I was just born a girl. It would make things a lot easier. But no, I'm forced to have to go through all of this shit until I die.

So yeah, yesterday my mom found my HRT supplies. At first she was confused, but seemed supportive, then she started saying some transfobic bs, and when I tried to tell her it was transfobic she went: "killing a trans person is transfobic, calling them out on their delusion isn't."

To make matters worse, today se told my dad which caused a whole other conundrum.

Aditionaly they're gonna make me talk to my psychiatrist (I think she'll be supportive, but that doesn't mean she'll be able to do something about them being transfobic) because I was doing DIY.

I hate everything, and honestly feel like my life has regressed back to five years ago (I was severely depressed and somewhat suicidal back then).

Anyway just needed to rant

I know there's tucking underwear but I don't really care for tucking stuff. I just want more feminine underwear that supports your bits ya know? I have two pairs that have little pockets that are comfortable enough, but they're not made with the best quality because they're drop shipped on Amazon.

Are there any good brands that you would recommend? Edit: I want cute ones! I hate how boring the plain ones are. I like cute little designs with bows or frills or anything other than plain lol

At almost 4 months on HRT, I’m seeing the first signs of breast growth. It’s so beautiful, but honestly? I’m mostly just terrified

It’s just…this is real. I’m actually doing this, I am actually irreversibly altering my body and there is no avoiding the social consequences of following through with this

Part of me questions if I want to continue HRT. I really wish I was AFAB, but being trans is just so overwhelming. The thought of giving it up and just being a guy feels like defeat, but also so peaceful

Is this kind of fear normal?

I still am in the process way before bottom surgery.

The big question I have is, how can I know if I ever want to use a sex toy vaginally, or want to get fingered or else?

There are several "problems" that influence my thought process.

With my t blocker I have at the moment absolutely no libido at all. I am in absolutely no mood for masturbation or looking at things like sex toys or else. And that is ok.

The other thing is, I have no partner and I don't know if I want a partner. In general I have super little experience with partner sex, as it mostly never happened or dysphoria. So I can't really tell if I want to have sex with a partner.

That leeds to the question, how can I explore if I want a vagina or if I would be happy with just a vulva?

So I will make another post tonight with a little of my own personal story(44) later tonight but for now this is a question I have. I have been coming out to everybody I know which is nervous and scary but surprisingly amazing. But I have 2 people I know that one is a friend the other is more of an acquaintance. But my friend asked because I started hrt on Saturday after I grow breasts could he see them and then I just had another ask me after I have bottom surgery can he see my vagina. And I’m like yeah a no thanks but how my question. Is how do guys think that’s a good idea to ask I mean really? So disgusting

Hi, I'm very new here. I'm 26 years old, and for as long as I can remember I've been attracted to everything feminine, but I thought it was just a phase. But now that I've started living alone, I'm questioning my gender a lot. Living as a man is killing me.

I got srs in February this year, and I've been pretty miserable since then.

I spent the lead up to surgery questioning whether it was the right choice, and hoped I'd have that moment of clarity when I woke up and felt completely at peace, and when it happened I figured that was that. Two weeks in a different hospital for an infection resulting from a substantial dehiscence and a month of home visits and a catheter later, I've lost that peace.

Then everything went back to normal, I went back to work, friends stopped coming to check on me and keep me company, the world just kinda moved on and I feel this profound wrongness in me. Maybe it's the fact that I've not yet stopped bleeding intermittently, or that the swelling and numbness and hyper granulated tissue is keeping me from touching myself without feeling like I could do myself more damage and risk another hospital stay, but I'm so profoundly miserable in my body, more so than I ever was before surgery. I think I've mutilated myself in a way that I can never ever fix, and I gave up any chance of having kids to achieve it. I don't really have anyone in my life that can really appreciate just how awful this has been, I'm on my own with this grief.

Sorry if I've tagged this post wrong I'm not a much of a poster, just needed to put this somewhere

I don't know if I want to be a girl or have a girlfriend in any order

I had a girlfriend when I never really thought of being trans, but a couple signs always existed since I was little, and it was the same time I hit puberty and developed severe mental/psychiatric conditions. I still don't know what factors exactly caused or how much each contributed. About half a year later we broke up, and in the next 15 months since I've accepted I'll most likely be alone forever (long-winded explanation kinda unnecessary). I would be comfortable being alone but having some shred of self security/love if I were a girl but I think I would also be happy if I had a partner that loved me too. I know both are possible to have at once but I'm concerned about whether I've just framed all the 'signs' into actually being trans whenever in reality I'm just messed up in the head and compensating for my inability to be with anyone

I recently got out of rehab for substance use and was sent to a female sober living that knew I was in early transition before they accepted me. A week later I had to leave because "they couldn't fill their vacancies with me living there". I found another sober living and made it very clear that I was in early transition. They accepted me, and then 2 days later, I got a text saying that people are uncomfortable with me living there because im in early transition. I understand to a degree because a lot of addicts have SA trauma, but I haven't done anything to make anyone uncomfortable other than exist in the same space as them. Im keep things clean, and I keep to myself . Im struggling. im a month sober and feel very unwanted. I used dissociatives to run away from me transitioning for many years, and when I actually allow myself to be myself, im met with resistance and ostracization. I feel like relapsing but dont want to because it can effect me getting HRT and the effectiveness of it. I came to dallas looking for support, and now I just feel alone.

Have kinda suspected it for a while with how people talk about it, but recently heard that a lot of people can't/find it difficult to boymode?

I always thought the wording was more of an affirmation thing, we're girls/fem, just masquerading (taking an active action of pretending, moding) as more masculine for safety reasons sometimes

Meanwhile i more fem-mode if anything, I actively have to prepare for like one and a half hours if not days in advance to show myself authentically and don't look like a woman at all to anyone otherwise

Am I fucked? I knew since 14, I'm on 5th month of hrt and still look like a pretty average guy by default, I thought everyone was like that 👉👈

Edit: many people seem confused. I do pass, that's not the issue. The issue is that seemingly for most people boymoding is an act and their fem self is just what they usually look like, while for me it's seemingly the opposite (it takes me conscious and active effort to look fem and pass as result) and that causes severe dysphoria TwT hopefully more time on hrt and laser will help it

Have to say tho, from the responses, all of you are way luckier than u seemingly give credit to. Thanks everyone for sharing 👉👈

Suggestions for new things to do while still closeted...

So, I have been hetero married for six years, and my egg cracked only a couple months ago, to the point I had to start doing something to try and relieve the dysphoria. I have done my best to hide it, and I am still fully in love with my wife, just not my body. Its been a long time coming, as with so many. Since cracking, I have been slowly implementing things that make me feel marginally more feminine using excuses like "I just don't feel clean", or things I can hide (shaving most of my body, doing my finger nails as much as I can (even shaping my own nails and clear polish did help in the strangest way for me), I have tucked and when it's cold enough to hide it with layers, I wear a bra and panties under my baggy clothing, when home alone I fully dress up and enjoy the feeling, etc.)

If it's not clear enough, I haven't and don't know when I will come out to my wife...

My question is, does anyone have other things they tried that are an "under the radar" thing that brought them relief if some kind whike they were in my same position? Obviously, everyone is different, so I would like any example you can provide.

Thanks in advance...