r/AutisticWithADHD

Hello, I just need a little rant!! I’m a 42 year old late diagnosed autistic Mum, married to a 43 year old late diagnosed ADHD Dad. We have 3 kids, all AuDHD.

As the Mum I’m the one responsible for all the schooling, the meetings, the appointments, the paperwork, hospital visits etc etc, and hardest of all, the additional scaffolding, support and emotional regulation that they all need.

I feel like I make plenty of allowances for the kids, their behaviours, the chaos, the mess, because I understand it’s as a result of their disability.

At the moment I’m in burnout, I’m exhausted. I also have Ehler Danlos and I’m in chronic pain, but mainly I’m just exhausted by being the one who holds it all together for everyone.

Now today I had a meltdown, the first one in a long time. It was triggered by the fact I was taking my youngest son to an activity. I like to be on time, but was running late for me. We had 30 minutes to get to an activity 30 minutes away. Anyway as I was leaving the house my ADHD husband suddenly decided that he wanted a lift as he was visiting a friend in the area 2 hours later and wanted to save money on an uber. So he quickly called his friend, nipped to the bathroom, got a jacket. It only took a couple of minutes but it threw me as it was a last minute change.

Anyway, he got in the car and started asking why I was quiet. I calmly explained that it’s because I’m autistic and it’s changed my plans and unsettled me. He knows I need processing time but instead of just leaving me to silently sulk and process for a bit which is all I needed, he kept pushing me saying it wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t out of my way, all of which I know is true, that wasn’t the issue, I just needed some processing time, which I told him. He then says well the kids are all autistic and they don’t need processing time (not true, they do, he’s just not an active parent like I am) and that I’m rude and horrible. At that point I broke down and was so upset that I couldn’t drive. I felt like he was intentionally picking an argument and criticising all my character flaws that are a result of 1- being autistic and 2- CPTSD, which he is aware of.

I feel like I do so much for other people, I make so many allowances for my husband and his adhd, he’s always late, losing things, making last minute decisions. I do so much for the kids. I mask so much and it’s taken a massive toll on my health. I feel like the one time that I was less than perfect and yes probably a bit blunt and sulky, but I’ve honestly got to the point where I’m so exhausted that I can barely speak. I just wish that my family, especially my husband, could make allowances for me, like I do for all of them.

​

So I am very late diagnosed AuDHD (I'm 44, M) and recently started reflecting on just how many social situations I've completely missed in real time, despite being able to see them crystal clear in hindsight.

This one still kills me.

About 9 years ago I worked with this absolutely stunning Romanian girl. We talked loads at work and I had a feeling she might be interested, but immediately dismissed it because she was way out of my league.

Somehow we ended up for drinks at a nice hotel bar. Afterwards she invited me back to her apartment a few streets away.

I declined because I had to get the train home. The one before the last train, which I always get in case the last one gets cancelled (there were signs haha).

We then went on a day date — museum, library, food. Lovely day. No move made by me whatsoever because obviously we were just mates enjoying culture.

Then she invited me to her apartment to cook for me.

I went. She cooked. We ate. We moved to the sofa and chatted.

I made no move. Obviously she'd just wanted someone to cook for.

She then looked at me and asked, completely seriously, "are you gay?"

I said no.

And continued talking.

Then went home.

She literally ran out of ways to signal it any harder and had to resort to asking outright. I answered the question and carried on as if she'd asked about the weather.

AuDHD really said "I'll let you figure that one out in approximately 9 years."

Anyone else care to share similar experiences and make me feel better about something that happened a lifetime ago 🤣

Hey, I’m F29 with diagnosed ADHD and suspected autism.

I’m currently in therapy (second therapist), but I keep having this feeling that it’s not really helping. It often feels like we’re just talking around things instead of getting to the core.

One big issue is masking. I feel like a completely different “version” of me shows up in therapy — not the one that actually struggles at home. So I don’t even present my real problems properly.

Because of that, I constantly feel misunderstood. And the worst part is: when something is misunderstood, I often can’t correct it or explain it better in the moment.

It leaves me feeling stuck, like therapy isn’t reaching the real me at all.

Has anyone else with AuDHD experienced this?

Did therapy eventually help, or did you have to change something (approach, therapist, type of therapy, etc.)?

Does anyone have tips?

This is something i think about semi often, every once in awhile sort of thing. i imagine random spots where id love to chill, relax or sit at. like for example, id love to be in a room sized clear box set at the top of a cell phone tower during a heavy thunderstorm. like imagine sitting on your phone in bed 400 feet in the air while theres 50mph winds, rain pounding the sides, lightning, BUT youre completely safe and stable in there (no risk of tower falling). imagine youre at a desk playing xbox during all this.

Recently, I've made an effort in connecting with the Neurodivergent community in my city as I battle romantic and platonic loneliness rooted in my inability to mask my neurotype which has made interacting with Neurotypicals so much more difficult. I guess my 10 year burnout has destroyed my brains ability to cosplay as a normie.

Anyways, this has led to me increasingly becoming closer to the autistic community, and Im now socialising exclusively with those with AuDHD as I embrace my true self.

The problem is that I'm hit with significant cultural differences between my Neurotypical traditional upbringing and the alternative progressive norms of the autistic community. I am open-minded, and I'm also contending with my discovery of my bi sexuality and possibly non binary status.

But it seems like the autistic community that I frequent may be a polyamory hot bed. I am currently talking to someone I'm really interested in romantically. I later found out that she has a girlfriend who is ok with her partnering with another ND male bisexual. According to her, most of the friends I've made within the autistic community are in some sort of non monogamous relationship.

I am open to ethical monogamy, as it allows me to test the waters in a moment where I dont feel like I am capable of having a full time traditional monogamous relationship..and I really like the girl in question, but sometimes I think Ive bitten off more than I could chew considering Im still operating at limited capacity and it was just recently that I found out about my autism diagnosis 8 months ago. And now I'm being plunged into an alternative culture that I never thought would exist in my city or that I would be apart of. I'm just wondering for those who experienced what I am currently going through, namely transitioning from a traditional Neurotypical culture to alternative Neurodivergent culture with its unique set of cultural mores and ethical standards, do you have any good tips on how to make the transition as seamless as possible?

Are there any good resources on autistic relationships and ethical non monogamy?

I had been feeling increasingly exhausted, fatigued, and unwell for months.

Ultimately, I hit a breaking point and shutdown at work. I was unable to think, focus, and mask. I started oversharing and revealing personal information.

I was essentially non-verbal for 2+ hours and then slowly recovered.

I’m experiencing what I believe to be shutdowns every day after work. I feel irritable, tired, and tend to withdraw socially and avoid people.

I tend to become overstimulated quite quickly and have to be careful, but luckily I’m able to take frequent brief breaks at work without anyone noticing.

I’m noticing noises sound considerably louder. I can hear someone pushing a shopping cart from across the store - the screeching is LOUD and annoying when I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious.

Sometimes everything just feels like too much. It’s harder to socialize “consistently” even though the increase in focus helps initially - I tend to feel drained faster than usual now.

Sometimes I’ll talk too much, and other times too little. I feel very passionate and excited when talking about my special interests or hobbies.

I feel like I might be autistic? Perhaps my ADHD masked it?

I had noticed similar symptoms initially when starting last year, but things are getting progressively worse. It’s like my health is declining and my cognition is deteriorating due to stress.

I started a new job 4 months ago working in Retail and have felt deeply sick, stressed, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable every day. The environment, managers, and customers quickly started to stress me out. I can do the job, but it comes at a cost and seems to worsen my mental health.

I’m 24 now, and I got diagnosed about 8 months ago. Looking back, I’ve struggled with certain things my entire life, but no one ever really understood what was going on. I went through countless burnouts, and as a teenager I became really depressed. Therapy never quite clicked either, it always felt like they were missing something.

Over the past two years, I went through the worst burnout I’ve ever had. I’ve been trying to recover, and slowly I do think I’m getting a bit better. But at the same time, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to how I was before. It genuinely feels like something in my brain just broke before I got diagnosed. Now I feel disconnected from everything, like I don’t really care anymore, and somehow all my struggles feel heavier than they used to.

What’s confusing is that life wasn’t easier before. I was struggling a lot. But I always had something, some kind of drive, motivation, or spark. I could still feel excitement, still look forward to things, still get immersed in my interests. Even if I crashed afterwards, there was always something pulling me forward again.

Now that feeling is just… gone.

Things that would have made me excited even 2 years ago don’t do anything for me anymore. Plans, opportunities, creative ideas, I can recognize that they should feel exciting, but inside it’s just empty. Flat. Like there’s a disconnect between what I know I care about and what I actually feel.

For so long, I pushed myself to succeed at school, socially, at work, in relationships. I gave everything I had to keep up, to do well, to be “enough.” And now I catch myself thinking… for what?

The hardest part is that I barely feel interested in anything anymore. Things that used to comfort me, like watching my favorite shows or being creative, just don’t hit the same. There’s just this emptiness where something used to be. I poured so much of myself into building a life I thought I wanted for barely anything to happen, and now that vision is gone. The things I once cared about just feel exhausting now…too much energy, too much effort, too much risk of disappointment.

I miss who I used to be. I used to be strong despite everything. No matter how many times I felt disappointed, I kept going and always found something new to hold onto.

Now nothing really feels appealing anymore. Every possible outcome just feels like too much. I’ve been waiting to feel balanced, to feel at peace, but instead I just feel… exhausted.

Hi,

I am autistic with ADHD. Autism diagnosis came first, ADHD 2 years later, soon followed by starting stimulant medication.

Being on these meds has been very positive in many ways but also has been extremely difficult, frustrating, upsetting etc for me. Basically the problem comes down to the fact that I just don't know what the right dose is for me and I drive myself insane trying to figure it out.

I started on 20mg Elvanse (Vyvanse's name in the UK), worked my way up to 70mg and stayed there for a while, not sure how long exactly, maybe a year or so. Eventually I decided to try moving down to 60mg, because I was feeling irritable and angry more often than I would like, fight/flight response, sensory sensitivities etc.

Moving down to 60 made me notice how bad the above symptoms had been for the past year or so when I had been on 70mg, because they were obviously not as pronounced on the 60mg. I could tell the difference. My focus etc seemed just as good on the 60 compared to the 70 too, so I was upset that I had wasted so much time on a dose that was simply too high for me and not even working better than a lower dose. I think I had probably stayed on the 70mg for so long because I basically thought "bigger is better," the bigger the dose the better it would treat my ADHD, which was obviously wrong and ignorant of me to think.

From that point on, I think I became a bit obsessed about finding the right dose once and for all. I stayed on 60mg for a few months but eventually became concerned that I was still experiencing irritability etc, albeit less than on 70mg. I was also worried that being on a high dose of Elvanse was making my autistic traits more pronounced and difficult to deal with.

So for just over 2 months now, I have been on 50mg. I'm getting to the point, yet again, where I'm getting really anxious and worried about whether this is the right dose for me. It makes me feel so stupid because this keeps happening, this situation where I obsess over whether or not a particular dose is right for me and I just find it impossible to tell. I feel quite sure that 70mg was not right, because the physical side effects were so pronounced, but I'm really struggling to figure out what dose I should stick with instead. The difference between 60mg and 70mg feels so much clearer than 50mg and 60mg so it's hard to decide between them. It feels like such a high-pressure, high-stakes decision and one that I have to make right now.

It's so difficult because I really struggle to identify and describe what I'm actually feeling, and my memory is generally terrible, so I also struggle to remember clearly how I actually felt day-to-day on a particular dose, and how that compares to how I'm feeling now on a different dose.

On this 50mg dose, I feel like I barely notice the dose kicking in. I don't really notice a "crash," but it does feel sometimes that my mind is more loud and chaotic at night than in the morning, so maybe that's a sign that the meds are wearing off. I don't remember that happening as much with the 60mg.

With the 60mg, again my memory is terrible, but I do remember being more aware of it kicking in. I would notice increased heart rate etc, which I have Propranolol to help deal with. I also get increased heart rate soon after taking the 50mg dose but slightly less than on 60mg. I would also notice a difference in my mental state, being aware that my mind seems a bit less chaotic than it was 30 minutes ago, I seem more able to pick one train of thought instead of wrestling with 7 or 8 different ones, etc. It's a bit tricky to explain but generally I would be aware that I had taken a particular medication, and that medication was now coming online. I don't remember having "crashes" etc on the 60mg. It seemed to have the same kind of effect through the day. Sometimes I would notice my heart rate increasing again after 4-5 hours, but that was usually because my Propranolol was wearing off and I needed to take another one.

I don't know how to feel about this, because I know some people say that you shouldn't really "feel" the medication, it's supposed to operate in the background and make life easier, so from that perspective the 50mg is the right dose. On the other hand I feel like if I don't notice that dose of medication, and I'm finding it hard to tell what effect it's having, maybe that means it's too low. I find it really hard to tell because currently on the 50s, I am able to get things done at work, but I noticed today for example my interest and ability to focus on work flagging after a couple of hours, at certain points I found myself looking away or thinking about other things etc.

When I'm not at work, I can relax a little bit, but it's like I can never really commit to relaxation because there's always like 50% of my mind thinking about something else, usually worrying about something, sometimes multiple things at once. Often it will be worrying about my Elvanse dose. On the 50mg, this means me worrying about whether I should go back on 60mg. When I was on 60mg, this meant me worrying that it was still too high of a dose, and I should move down to 50mg. I find it really impossible to tell and it makes me feel awful because I struggle to identify my feelings and emotions, my memory sucks, basically I just don't really trust myself to make the right decision and stick to it. It should be really basic stuff to know if I prefer the way I feel on one dose of meds vs another dose but it just feels like this neverending problem for me.

Currently I'm leaning towards going back on the 60mgs but I could easily change my mind again tomorrow. When I was on the 60mgs before, I decided to try the 50s because I was worried that it was still impacting my autism traits, sensory sensitivities, maybe still making me irritable etc. I think those were valid concerns but there's also the feeling that maybe 50mg doesn't help me focus as well as the 60mg, and it's really hard to figure out which of those two options is preferable. It kind of feels like having to choose between being more autistic or being more ADHD.

It makes me so frustrated with myself and feel stupid. Please be kind in the comments because I know I probably seem like an idiot. I am trying my best I just find it really hard to figure out if 50mg or 60mg is best when I'm AuDHD and struggle to identify my feelings.

I’m wondering if anyone else with AuDHD experiences something like this.

I get these really random urges throughout the day to scratch or touch certain spots on my body. It’s not like normal itching — it’s more like I suddenly become aware of a specific area of skin, and then I feel like I have to touch or scratch it.

It happens all day, but it gets worse in the evening and is the strongest when I’m in bed trying to sleep.

It almost feels like my brain “highlights” a spot on my body out of nowhere, and then I can’t ignore it until I’ve scratched or touched it.

Does anyone know this?

Is this a form of stimming or something else?

Any tips on how to deal with it would also be really appreciated.

In the past, I've brought up to my general doctor that I think I may have ADHD. I struggle greatly with starting tasks and staying on point. For example: I'm supposed to be doing a research paper, but instead I'm worrying about ADHD. Maybe I'm just lazy and looking for an excuse to blame my shortcomings on? I've always been known as a bad procrastinator, but that's just something I needed to work on doing better. I heard caffeine is supposed to help with concentration, so I had an energy drink, but that made me die on the inside and I cried for 3 hours, which is not a good use of my time.

Anyway, doctor says that "Your grades are good and you don't tic, so you're fine"

I have some weird semi-diagnosis on autism. On my medical record it says "autism??" which is not particularly helpful. I definitively have been diagnosed with mmd and gad, so maybe they're just tired of me and assuming I'm fishing for more meds? I've never went to an autism clinic because I never saw the point in being given a label that can be easily judged, but maybe I should so I'll be taken more seriously?

Sorry if this doesn't belong. I feel like I'm drowning

Hi everyone,

I’ve been really struggling with the job search process and wanted to see if anyone here has advice or similar experiences.

I have AuDHD and feel like I’ve been stuck in survival mode for a long time. Lately, it honestly feels like I’ve regressed in terms of skills and capacity. Even basic tasks can feel overstimulating, and I often hit functional freeze when I try to work on things like my resume or job applications.

Because of that, I’m not really sure how to approach finding work in my current state.

My background is also pretty non-linear:

• Degree in Hospitality Management
• Retail experience
• 1.5 years teaching English in Korea
• Volunteering in hostels across the U.S. and Asia

I’m trying to move into hospitality roles (ideally abroad through American hotel companies), but I’m not sure how to proceed with my current work background.

I think part of the issue is that my resume doesn’t feel cohesive, and I struggle to present my experience in a clear way—but beyond that, the whole process feels overwhelming given where I’m at mentally.

If anyone has:

• Advice for job searching while in burnout/survival mode
• Ways to make resumes or applications more manageable with AuDHD
• Suggestions for lower-pressure or more accessible types of work to start with

I’d really appreciate it. I’ve been feeling pretty stuck and unsure how to move forward.

Thank you.

This is just a random discussion post. I want to know what kinds of emotions you guys are deeply moved by in movies? I just watched La La Land and I’m sad with myself how little it affected me emotionally and I couldn’t even watch more than half of it. However, stuff like Grave of The FireFlies and Elephant Man deeply moved me. Just got me upset thinking I just don’t have full emotional capacity. Usually it’s really tragic, straight forward and grounded stuff I feel.

I’ve got loads that spring to mind.

I just can’t seem to lie, even if I do, quite often I’ll confess later on and more than likely they knew I was lying anyway probably.

Anyone relate?

I met someone recently and its been going well but im constantly thinking abt them and waiting for texts back. How do I stop feeling crazy?

I feel like this is a really easy way to steer conversations and allow focus to be taken away from deeper issues when needed.

I’ll pretend to be upset by things that don’t actually bother me deep down. I’ll do verbal reactions to things like road rage etc, but deep down inside, I’m as calm as ever. It takes the edge off the “this guy doesn’t react to anything at all like a normal person” image I portray lol.

Is this something you people do?

i keep having these days where i just can’t lock in at all… focus is so inconsistent it’s exhausting. i’ll sit there knowing what i need to do and still not do it

waiting on meds so just kind of stuck figuring things out on my own for now

came across a blog on that site flown about virtual body doubling… they said people with adhd more than doubled their focus time doing it.
i want that to be real but also feels a bit too easy? like would it actually help or just be awkward sitting there

anyone here using something like that to stay on track? or found anything that actually helps