I feel broken and I miss who I used to be
I’m 24 now, and I got diagnosed about 8 months ago. Looking back, I’ve struggled with certain things my entire life, but no one ever really understood what was going on. I went through countless burnouts, and as a teenager I became really depressed. Therapy never quite clicked either, it always felt like they were missing something.
Over the past two years, I went through the worst burnout I’ve ever had. I’ve been trying to recover, and slowly I do think I’m getting a bit better. But at the same time, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to how I was before. It genuinely feels like something in my brain just broke before I got diagnosed. Now I feel disconnected from everything, like I don’t really care anymore, and somehow all my struggles feel heavier than they used to.
What’s confusing is that life wasn’t easier before. I was struggling a lot. But I always had something, some kind of drive, motivation, or spark. I could still feel excitement, still look forward to things, still get immersed in my interests. Even if I crashed afterwards, there was always something pulling me forward again.
Now that feeling is just… gone.
Things that would have made me excited even 2 years ago don’t do anything for me anymore. Plans, opportunities, creative ideas, I can recognize that they should feel exciting, but inside it’s just empty. Flat. Like there’s a disconnect between what I know I care about and what I actually feel.
For so long, I pushed myself to succeed at school, socially, at work, in relationships. I gave everything I had to keep up, to do well, to be “enough.” And now I catch myself thinking… for what?
The hardest part is that I barely feel interested in anything anymore. Things that used to comfort me, like watching my favorite shows or being creative, just don’t hit the same. There’s just this emptiness where something used to be. I poured so much of myself into building a life I thought I wanted for barely anything to happen, and now that vision is gone. The things I once cared about just feel exhausting now…too much energy, too much effort, too much risk of disappointment.
I miss who I used to be. I used to be strong despite everything. No matter how many times I felt disappointed, I kept going and always found something new to hold onto.
Now nothing really feels appealing anymore. Every possible outcome just feels like too much. I’ve been waiting to feel balanced, to feel at peace, but instead I just feel… exhausted.