u/hotparatha

I'm 19, and I've been trying for over the last 4 years to become finnancially independ in some way. Like starting art comissions (which I still do from time to time but I can't focus too much on it rn, more on that later) or doing ghost writing. But my father wants me to focus on my studies and basically thwarts all my plans everytime I start anything.

It doesn't help that he's stingy and won't give me more than 500 rs a month, won't buy me anything I ask for, hasn't bought me new clothes in over 3 years. He doesn't even buy me shampoos and basic hygeine stuff anymore. Even that I have to somehow buy on my own. And when I get ready to start some type of a small business, whether that be to custom paint clothes or make portratits, he will always get extremely mad and verbally abuse me till I give in and stop. He's very overbearibg, especially with my studies, and overall very controlling as well.

He promised me a laptop in 10th grade if I scored more than 95%. I scored 98%. He didn't buy it, and whenever i brought it up he would change the topic and ask me why I'm not scoring good grades in 11th. He said if I scored more than 90% in 12th he would buy me a laptop again. I got 95%. He didn't. Again. My cousin finally gifted me a macbook for my birthday, and he keeps confiscating it whenever he feels like it, if I fight with him he says very cruel things or straight up hits me, and I'm so tired.

I had to take a drop for neet (which mostly he forced let me add), and well neet got cancelled so fuck my life ig. I'm planning on just doing law atp, smth I've been more interested in than medical. And he keeps screaming and fighting with me, saying how my friends are already in their second semesters while I haven't even gotten an university yet. Like that's my fault. If i bring up the whole laptop saga, something he said on his own, I never asked for a laptop, he kept saying he would, he gets very defensive and is like "What did getting a laptop do for you anyways, haan? you didn't even get a good university. Back when you didn't have a laptop, at least you did well in school."

And no, it's not like he's finnancially struggling in any way. He just doesn't want to spend money, probably from his trauma of growing up super poor. He hasn't himself visited a doctor in 6 years, and has a tendency to wear clothes for years, and I mean YEARS. My mom keeps saying, "oh he's just acting like this because he's worried about your studies, the moment your exams end, he'll be fine." But he never is. On the night when my 12th boards ended, he slapped me because I stayed up late drawing.

I just wanna go out w friends sometimes man. To cafes and other stuff ppl do which I've never been allowed to because my dad never allowed me to hang out with my friends. I've legit lost so many friends because he would always say no to letting me go out to birthday parties, malls, tc. I didn't even have freedom to walk and come back from school alone till I was in 12th grade. My school was like 2 kms away, mind you. I just want to wear cute clothes. Idt that's too much to ask for, right? Or maybe it is, I honestly don't know. I'm about to turn 20 (in late october) and I've been out like a total of 6 times all over with my friends, and I have very little experience on how to navigate outside because of all this. It makes me feel pathetic, ngl.

I asked him for a 400 rs Kurti yesterday and I haven't heard the end of it yet. And yes, I have tried doing this business stuff in secret, but I live in a small house and I don't have a room of my own, and the moment he sees me drawing or painting, he looses his fucking mind completely.

I know I have to get out of here, but until I get a good university with a hostel, I need to do smth don't I? Especially because I need to buy stuff like pads, general clothes, shampoo, etc etc from time to time an 500 rs isn't cutting it, obviously.

So I have a couple of people from the US who want to hire me for watercolor portraits. I am based in South Asia, and I don't understand the logistics of this situation, especially because they will be paying in dollars while the currency of my country is different. I know this is probably a noob question, but everywhere online I keep getting conflicted answers and I need some genuine guiding, especially because I could use some extra cash.

So I have a couple of people from the US who want to hire me for watercolor portraits. I am based in South Asia, and I don't understand the logistics of this situation, especially because they will be paying in dollars while the currency of my country is different. I know this is probably a noob question, but everywhere online I keep getting conflicted answers and I need some genuine guiding, especially because I could use some extra cash.

I've had way too many men text me replies to my posts on DMs. It's so weird. If you had smth to say about my post, then just comment on that post. Why are you texting me about it??? When I call them out on it, they're like "oh i didnt want you to loose my comment among the others". Lil bro my post has 4 comments. Trust me I would've seen the damn comment. Especially happens when i post in subreddits dedicated to women as well. And they usully do this to try and eventually hit on me too, it's so obvious.

i remember as a kid going through my dad's phone when he wasnt around looking to play games and constantly finding porn. and i remember one time in particular he was on some hookup site and the location was set to a different city than the one we were living in. i realised he was headed to that exact city the next day for some family urgency. this memory is a bit hazy tho.

i also went through his phone once when i was 15, i think, trying to access instagram because he had confiscated my phone, and i found an app i didnt know of before. i opened it and found it was a dating app called ok cupid and my dad had a profile and some matches on it. he had his name set to a fake name, and later i realised it was the name of one of his colleagues.

for context, the relationship between my parents is insanely toxic. theyre both horible to each othr, but i would definitely say my dad is worse in a lot of regards. also, ik way too much about my parents sex life than i should. i remember finding condoms in my dad's drawer when i was like 9 and opening one and finding a super slimy thing and being disgusted and running away and only later realising once i was odler as to what it was. and then ive found used condoms in my dad's bathroom (which im not allowed to visit) dustbin. turns out my mom also had a pregnancy scared when i was around 13 as well. ik for a fact tho, that rn, theres nothing going on between my mom and dad sexually.

ive never spoken on it. i dont know how to bring it up if at all. they both have such a psychotic dyanmic that i prefer being away becaue theyve fucked me up sm. but i sometimes remember this and dont know what to say or do.

So, I'm 19F. I have a younger sister who is 15F. Our mother is... Well idk where to begin. I'll start with this example I can think of off the top of my head.

So this is an incident from 2 years ago, maybe. I was 17 and insecure, and I was basically being self deprecating, making fun of my looks and what not. My mom was like nope, you're pretty, yada yada. And I was like you're only saying that because you're my mom. My mom was like nope, others say it too. I asked who. She said the downstairs uncle (who is like in his late thirties to early fourties) said "(insert dad's name)'s elder daughter is extremely sundaar". I was taken a back by this, and asked her why he even mentioned this, and my mom shrugged and said they were in the middle of a convo, and he just casually dropped that, unprompted.

I didn't know how to feel about that because if a grown ass man made some comment on my teenager, minor daughter being beautiful in front of me, I would've at least what tf he meant by that. But my mom was super casual about it, and that made me kind of doubt my instincts? She seemed so okay with it so... Maybe it was a friendly remark. Besides why would he say that to my mom if he had bad intentions unless he was stupid haha.

Anyways, let's go back a year before that. I was 16, and this teacher of mine was basically being inappropriate with me in school. He never did anything outright, but he would isolate me, talk about age gap relationships, sex, drinking, partying, etc etc. I couldn't understand why I was so uncomfortable back then, but I can now comfortably look back and tell that yep, he was grooming me. This man was 42, just for context.

Now, during a parents teachers meeting, he asked my mom why I was loosing sm weight. This was a topic he had brought up often, but I had never given him a full answer because I knew he would have a field day with it. But my mom comes in and gives a detailed description of why I was loosing weight. "She barely eats anything, wants to be zero size, heroine," Etc etc. Basically aired to him that I had a bad eating disorder. And like I predicted, he had a field day with that. He would also ask her if I had a bf, or other provocative stuff like "has she ever fallen in love" And my mom's response was always "no no sir she's too good for that." But she didn't question why he's invested in these topics in the first place. She even once ranted about how I wanted to wear these tiny ass clothes all the time and basically go out naked to him.

Now, I bring in my sister. My mother's cousin who is slightly mentally disabled (I don't believe it tbh, I have my reasons for why it's obviously just a cover up for his free loading entitled ass) assaulted her in her sleep, and harrassed me too. I was 18, and my sister was 14. I called up my cousins and it turns out this shitbag has assaulted all of them at some point in time, most of whom were minors when it happened to them. When it all came out, this woman basically banned him from entering our house. I wanted to, so badly pursue this legally, but she kept shutting it down by saying how her cousin's father is basically a lawyer, and he's a big one at that, plus he's mentally differently abled, so it's not possible only. I was so mad because YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING. We have 8+ girls here, waiting to give a testimony, and you (+her cousin sisters btw, the mothers of all my cousins) don't even want to try? If that wasn't bad enough, I even have suspicions this man has done something inappropriate to my 2 year old baby cousin as well.

When I tried to talk about how this mf was stalking me, staring at me through the peephole when I changed in the bedroom, tried to repeatedly look down ny shirt, was sitting on the foot of my bed when I woke up one day, my shirt all disheveled, repeatedly groped my ass when I was a kid, she along with my Mami literally turned the conversation around to another topic. Basically I had changed my clothes in the hallway once because all the rooms were occupied and I have severe sensory issues so I needed my sweaty clothes off me, and my mother had walked in on me. They were basically saying that because I was changing riskily like that I have no right to complain or say anything. And when I called my mother out she was like "what, have I nit done enough ? I banned him from coming to the house what more do you want?"

And just to add salt to the wound, this man was allowed back into the house during my grandfather's funeral. Unchecked. He was roaming around the house acting like some king, talking and laughing loudly and I wanted to fucking kill him on the spot. I went to ny mother asked him why tf he is in the house and she gave me those big red eyes and was like stfu and get out. She shut me down.

She brings up that pedophilie normally as well. Apparently that old fucker almost had a heart attack so she brought it up all sadly to me and was like your uncle is like this and that. I was like am I supposed to feel bad???

Also I recently found out that she's been SAed by two of her uncles. I know both of these men, she's always respected them ans talks to them with sm reverence. And both of these two men were allowed around me and my sister and cousins, unrestricted. I remember being 2-9 playing in the backyard of one of their houses because it was really massive and I liked it. Usually fully alone. Nothing ever happened to me but I still find it wild that she never told me not to go to the house of the man who molested her when she was a child. At least not alone. I don't get it. At all.

I know she's traumatized, and thats probably why this is happening. But I was a kid, my sister was a kid, and so were my cousins. We have lifelong trauma that is destroying all of us. And most of us just don't know what to do with it.

Okay, so I’m spiraling a little right now and I honestly just need to rant because this has been weighing on my chest for a long time, and yesterday something happened that made all of it hit me at once. I know people have probably talked about this before, but I need to talk about it too because I genuinely just need to get these feelings out, even if I end up exagerrating things in the process.

So I’m on Hinge right now. I’m 19, and I got curious. I feel like a lot of girls my age get curious about older men at some point. Not in the sense that I was specifically looking for one or trying to get into some serious age gap relationship. I wanted to explore a little and see what people were like in the city I’m currently in because I’m leaving in a few months anyway for college and hostel life. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or sex or intimacy. I just wanted to see what was out there. Usually my age range is around 18 to 23, but this time I increased it to 30. I matched with this one guy who sent me a like, and I’m not even going to lie, he was really fucking cute. There were other older guys too, but I ignored all of them. The only reason I matched with him was because he was insanely attractive and I got curious.

At first, the conversation was completely normal. I need to stress that because I feel like people keep skipping over this part. It was normal. We were just talking about random interests and casual stuff for like a day. Nothing sexual at all. Then out of nowhere, he sent this text.

https://preview.redd.it/ga8h98wdc20h1.jpg?width=617&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=45e150165e74d40ef79c005eb39a923294a0df9b

And the first thing my brain locked onto was the part where he joked about stripping me while I was asleep. That immediately made my stomach drop.

Because what do you even mean by that? Even as a joke, what exactly is supposed to be funny there? The implication is literally that you would do something to me while I’m unconscious and unable to consent. That's not just 'badmashi' or wtv tf he was thinking it was. It came completely out of nowhere and unprompted. So I posted it on two dating subreddits because I wanted outside opinions. I mentioned that I’m 19 and he’s 30 because I felt like that context mattered. A 30 year old man saying something like that to a teenager feels different than two teenagers the same age joking around, even if the stuff said was really fucking gross.

The posts got a lot of replies. Not like A LOT LOT in any way, but around 70 replies on one subreddit and 60 smth on another, and that's a fair bit for me ngl, because idt i've gotten more comments than that before.

Most of the people just laughed at him. They thought the interaction was funny because this grown man was talking about stealing underwear like some loser teenage boy. People were clowning him for being embarrassing and immature, which okay, fair enough. Then there were other people making fun of the age gap itself, saying it was pathetic for a 30 year old man to go for a 19 year old girl. Which honestly, I understood. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that dynamic isn’t weird in some way. But then the comments started turning on me too.

People started saying we were “equally bad.” They were asking why I would even set my age range that high in the first place. Why would I want an older man. Why are girls looking for “uncles” and then acting shocked when those men turn out creepy. And I don’t know why, but those comments really got to me, even if they weren't that many in number. Because suddenly it felt like people were implying that by being curious, I had somehow forfeited the right to feel uncomfortable. Like because I matched with an older guy, I should’ve expected weird behavior and therefore I’m not allowed to be upset by it. I even got DMs from a bunch of these men who were asking me why I even matched with this guy in the first place, or why I felt the need to post this online, or why the ages were relevant at all because it's not like I was 'groomed' by him into matching with him.

But again, almost nobody addressed the actual thing that bothered me. Nobody talked about the fact that he casually joked about stripping me in my sleep! And because nobody was talking about it, I genuinely started doubting myself. I thought maybe it wasn’t actually that weird. Maybe I was making it into something bigger than it was.

And then finally, after scrolling through all these comments, two women actually pointed it out. One of them specifically mentioned how disturbing the “strip you while asleep” line was. She was the first person who acknowledged the exact thing that had made me uncomfortable from the start.

>While you sleep? Means he doesn’t care about consent? Nobody understands how gross this is , I hate the people trying to call you out as if your not allowed to fucking explore, as if he’s nowhere in the wrong to bring up sexual shit without unprompted. But this is the reality girl. Jo accha hota hai Banda wo accha hota hai chutiya bada budhape me b chutiya rehta hai. They test your boundaries how far you’ll let them exploit you .

And I cannot explain how relieved I felt reading that??? Even though this comment got completely burried under the others, I was just so happy that someone actually mentioned why I even posted this ss in the first place.

And the other woman commented this:

>I don't understand the people calling out the 19 yo for matching with the 30 yo. Bhai, firstly toh young people matching with older people out of curiosity is normal, but wtf is a 30 yo doing matching with a 19 yo like that? You can't tell me both people are equally strange. Teenagers matching with older people stems out of curiosity and is often rooted in psycholigal affects from childhood experiences. Y'all do realise that daddy/mommy issues aren't some funny kinks Wattpad made famous, right? It's a very REAL thing people go through, so it's fucking shallow of some of y'all to call out the teenager and say "oh you're as bad as the 30yo creep who matched w you and told you about his SA fantasies" (because that's what it is, go fight the wall). When, really, that man is a borderline p*do because you can't convince me that people like him wouldn't go lower than 18/19 if the law didn't restrict it.

Again, burried, but still. I don’t know. The whole thing just left me feeling weird. Not even just about him, but about the way people react to this stuff in general. It’s like people only recognize creepiness when it’s extreme and obvious. But when something is framed as a joke, especially by an attractive guy or in a flirtatious context, suddenly people acts like you’re dramatic for being uncomfortable, or even just as funny.

As someone who has been SAed, it just felt like this was soft-victim blaming in a way. Maybe that's why it fucked with my head so much. Because my own mother would tell me it was because I decided to change my clothes in the living room, I shouldn't be surprised when I got harrassed by my own uncle. The two situation had nothing in common, my uncle hadn't walked in on me or anything. She just brought up two isolated incidents to justify what my uncle did. Also, my age limit is set back to 18-23 now. So dw.

I've recently finished My Dark Vanessa. As a victim of grooming from my own English teacher, it reduced me to tears and absolutely tore me apart. Safe to say, it had quiet the impact on me.

I've seen this book be discussed here and there, but for some reason I've never seen anyone bring up Vanessa's mom.

Let me make this clear. She saw the picture. She knows her daughter mentioned some 'Jacob' was her boyfriend. She knows this grown ass man was raping her child. But her first reaction is whatever the hell it was in the book. Oh god. I have never been more triggered. Especially as someone who was groomed right under my Mother's nose and she did not even notice. But I know even my mother would have done something bout it if it the evidence was as incriminating as the one Vanessa's mother had. God. I feel so mad just knowing this mother did nothing about it, never even TRIED to comfort her daughter, and even fought with her and guilt tripped her is just enraging me. Maybe I'm being too personal about it, but I just don't understand. At all.

I love, love, love this book, and I must admit, the mother being this brutally realistic is something I really appreciated in the book.

I've recently finished My Dark Vanessa. As a victim of grooming from my own English teacher, it reduced me to tears and absolutely tore me apart. Safe to say, it had quiet the impact on me.

I've seen this book be discussed here and there, but for some reason I've never seen anyone bring up Vanessa's mom.

Let me make this clear. She saw the picture. She knows her daughter mentioned some 'Jacob' was her boyfriend. She knows this grown ass man was raping her child. But her first reaction is whatever the hell it was in the book. Oh god. I have never been more triggered. Especially as someone who was groomed right under my Mother's nose and she did not even notice. But I know even my mother would have done something bout it if it the evidence was as incriminating as the one Vanessa's mother had. God. I feel so mad just knowing this mother did nothing about it, never even TRIED to comfort her daughter, and even fought with her and guilt tripped her is just enraging me. Maybe I'm being too personal about it, but I just don't understand. At all.
I love, love, love this book, and the mother being this brutally realistic is something I really appreciated in the book.

Okay so I genuinely do not know where to begin with this. This is just a long ass vent.

I guess I’ll start with the basics. I’m 19 right now and this situation happened around 3 years ago. I had known this man since I was fifteen, but things started getting weird and more serious once I turned sixteen.

He was my English teacher. A few years ago I actually posted about this on another subreddit using a throwaway account while it was happening because I just needed answers. I was so confused by the whole thing and something about it just felt deeply wrong to me. I remember a lot of people telling me back then that I was basically being groomed. At the time he was 42.

For context, I have been assaulted when I was way younger. He knew this, and I think that's why he targetted me. I don't know.

Honestly, I still struggle with that word a little because in my head I always think, “well nothing technically happened.” We never had a physical relationship or anything like that. I didn’t even want that. Most of the time I actually thought he was gross and ugly. I think I just genuinely could not process that something like this could happen to me because it sounded so absurd and dramatic in my own head.

But at the same time he gave me a huge amount of sexual attention and that absolutely messed with my head. I would regularly stalk his Facebook and Instagram, try to figure out personal stuff about him, and I never told my parents because I knew the moment I did, he would be out of my life and I didn't want that. He would touch my hair and back and shoulders sometimes, but it was never anywhere explicitly sexual. And despite everything, part of me still wanted him to push things further, even though when he did that stuff it would drive me fucking insane while also making me feel deeply grossed out. It was mostly talks about sexuality, sex, all that. There were times when I would shut him down and he would stop, but right afterward I’d feel strangely disappointed and frustrated that he hadn’t continued. I honestly don't know, it was such a weirdass head-space to be in.

I think what confuses me the most is the fact that while I felt uncomfortable and grossed out internally, there was still a part of me that wanted his validation. And I hate admitting that because it makes me feel disgusting. I would catch myself entertaining the attention emotionally even though I knew, even back then, that there was something deeply wrong about him and the situation. And I cannot lie, I was obsessed with him in a way. I was always thinking about him and his classes.

I shifted schools so I lost contact with him. For two years I kind of shoved the whole thing to the back of my mind. Whenever I talked about it I would frame it like, “oh he was just some gross old man who thought he had a chance with me,” and I’d almost joke about it in a sarcastic way, like I was completely unaffected by it. And I would make it look like I didn't want anything to do with it. But I did. I stalked him continously, I still do sometimes. I had every chance to stop this but I didn't. And that makes me feel complicit as fuck.

But I don’t think I’ve actually let myself, even now, acknowledge how much it affected me. Because the truth is that this was one of the first times I ever received sexual attention from a man, and that man happened to be my teacher. Someone old enough to be my father. I think that fundamentally distorted the way I viewed sexuality and validation at a really important age. Even right now, I just got out of a five month relationship with an almost-divorcee man who is forty-five. And I think I compartmentalised this situation really hard by telling myself, “this isn't that, I'm legal now.” But I would most of the time just feel so... idk like i couldnt say no whatever this new man asked of me? This new guy took my 'virginity' and everything, and like the whole time it felt like he was guiding me, and most of the time I went along with things even when I didn't want to. I honestly felt pathetic the whole time, never being able to assert myself with him. Plus he was super domineering as well, and things moved way too fast for my liking and even when I tried to slow things down he would make me feel like I'm the one being an inconvinience, or tell me I needed to calm down because he was going to be gentle. Once we even had an argument that I was leading him on.

I don't know man. It's so weird. I don't like how boring normal relationships feel in comparison. It all feels boring, like it’s missing something. And I think I have mentally fetishized my own abuse from both my childhood and my experiences with these grown ass men.

Sometimes I still feel dramatic for even talking about this, or even thinking about it, because again, nothing happened physically with my English teacher. But at the same time I cannot deny that it left some kind of impact on me psychologically. I just don’t fully understand what that impact is yet.

He also told me that he was about to marry one of his students who was 18 when he was 28. But apparently she ran away due to family stress and a lot of other stuff happened. If this is real, then... well i guess I wasn't the only one.

Okay so I genuinely do not know where to begin with this.

I guess I’ll start with the basics. I’m 19 right now and this situation happened around 3 years ago. I had known this man since I was fifteen, but things started getting weird and more serious once I turned sixteen.

He was my English teacher. A few years ago I actually posted about this on another subreddit using a throwaway account while it was happening because I just needed answers. I was so confused by the whole thing and something about it just felt deeply wrong to me. I remember a lot of people telling me back then that I was basically being groomed. At the time he was 42.

Honestly, I still struggle with that word a little because in my head I always think, “well nothing technically happened.” We never had a physical relationship or anything like that. I didn’t even want that. Most of the time I actually thought he was gross and ugly. I think I just genuinely could not process that something like this could happen to me because it sounded so absurd and dramatic in my own head.

But at the same time he gave me a huge amount of sexual attention and that absolutely messed with my head. I would regularly stalk his Facebook and Instagram, try to figure out personal stuff about him, and I never told my parents because I knew the moment I did, he would be out of my life and I didn't want that. He would touch my hair and back and shoulders sometimes, but it was never anywhere explicitly sexual. And despite everything, part of me still wanted him to push things further, even though when he did that stuff it would drive me fucking insane while also making me feel deeply grossed out. It was mostly talks about sexuality, sex, all that. There were times when I would shut him down and he would stop, but right afterward I’d feel strangely disappointed and frustrated that he hadn’t continued. I honestly don't know, it was such a weirdass head-space to be in.

I think what confuses me the most is the fact that while I felt uncomfortable and grossed out internally, there was still a part of me that wanted his validation. And I hate admitting that because it makes me feel disgusting. I would catch myself entertaining the attention emotionally even though I knew, even back then, that there was something deeply wrong about him and the situation. And I cannot lie, I was obsessed with him in a way. I was always thinking about him and his classes.

I shifted schools so I lost contact with him. For two years I kind of shoved the whole thing to the back of my mind. Whenever I talked about it I would frame it like, “oh he was just some gross old man who thought he had a chance with me,” and I’d almost joke about it in a sarcastic way, like I was completely unaffected by it. And I would make it look like I didn't want anything to do with it. But I did. I stalked him continously, I still do sometimes. I had every chance to stop this but I didn't. And that makes me feel complicit as fuck.

But I don’t think I’ve actually let myself, even now, acknowledge how much it affected me. Because the truth is that this was one of the first times I ever received sexual attention from a man, and that man happened to be my teacher. Someone old enough to be my father. I think that fundamentally distorted the way I viewed sexuality and validation at a really important age. Even right now, I just got out of a five month relationship with an almost-divorcee man who is forty-five. And I think I compartmentalised this situation really hard by telling myself, “this isn't that, I'm legal now.” I honestly don't know man. It's so weird. I don't like how boring normal relationships feel in comparison. It all feels boring, like it’s missing something.

And sometimes I still feel dramatic for even talking about this, or even thinking about it, because again, nothing happened physically. But at the same time I cannot deny that it left some kind of impact on me psychologically. I just don’t fully understand what that impact is yet.

Edit: He also told me that he was about to marry one of his students who was 18 when he was 28. But apparently she ran away due to family stress and a lot of other stuff happened. If this is real, then... well i guess I wasn't the only one.

So, I’m the child of an inter-caste relationship. My mom is Brahmin and my dad is not. I won’t mention his caste because it’s very specific to my state and region, but traditionally, people from his caste worked in agriculture and sometimes served in the military. Their primary occupation was field work, so socially they’re considered Shudra. We fall under OBC, but creamy layer, so no qota.

Now, my parents obviously had a love marriage. My mother’s family was against it because the guy was not Brahmin. My grandfather later admitted that he probably wouldn’t have minded as long as she hadn’t “stooped as low” as my dad’s caste, basically.

There also seem to be some weird ass stereotypes around his community, like how the men are violent and the women are super kaleshi. At the same time, I want to make it clear that no one on my mother’s side has ever directly mistreated me, my dad, or anyone from his family. They definitely have biases, but outwardly they’ve always been very hospitable. Honestly, a pretty average jamai and in-laws relationship. Also, almost everyone on my mom's side has an inter-caste marriage btw, and it seems my mom sort of just opeend the door as the eldest daughter and cousin and all the other's followed suite and many two of my mamis are from sc communities. My family is also pretty religious, but they don’t seem to see religion and caste as mutually dependent things, not anymore, at least.

Anyways, coming to my mom, since this is the main point.

Now, all my life I've seen my mom be lowk mean to my dad behind his back about his caste. I grew up around it, so for a long time I never really registered how weird it was. I internalised a lot of it too. Somewhere in my head, I absorbed the idea that my mom’s caste was “better” than my dad’s. Whenever people at school asked me my caste, which itself is honestly insane because why the fuck are children discussing caste in the first place, I would always say I was Brahmin even though I technically wasn’t. My mom also used to subtly refer to my dad’s caste as “your caste” while talking to me, so in a weird way she completely alienated me from her side, by making me feel like I'm 'inferior' like my dad, basically.

I think it hit me how ridiculous this was after she got into a fight with some women from the slum behind my nani’s house After the fight was over she came inside the house all pissed and mad and I asked what happened and she told me the whole story and then suddenly was like, "Oh, they are of your caste btw."

I was like ??????

I asked her tf she meant by that and she just went quiet for a second before saying, "what? it's the truth. you are also like that."

She was referring to the fact that I argue with her a lot, which, to be fair, I do. But my god, it felt really fucking gross to be referred to like that.

She also constantly says that people from my dad’s caste don’t value family relationships and basically have no family values. This mainly comes from the fact that two of my paternal aunts stopped talking to each other over some petty issue. What makes this even more infuriating is that my mom’s family literally has multiple child predators that nobody cuts off because “log kya kahenge.” So hearing lectures about morality and family values from that side feels genuinely absurd. At least my aunts knew they were toxic and decided to fuck offf rom each other's lives. My mom has no problems referring to the men who molested her, me, and my younger sister and cousins when were kids with respect.

She once also brought up how widow remarriage has historically been accepted in my dad’s caste (both my great grand-mothers had gotten remarried), specifically the practice where a widow would marry her deceased husband’s younger unmarried brother. She said it like it was proof of some moral deficiency within the community. Basically, she was hinting that women in my dad's community lacked character or whatever. I really wanted to retort that your caste people straight up burnt women alive after their husbands died, so at least my caste is better than yours on that? But I didn't say anything because that would 100% get my ass whooped.

She’s also made nasty comments about my mami, who’s from my dad’s caste too.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and defend my dad either. That man has ruined my mother’s life in a lot of ways and driven her to multiple suicide attempts. Same for my buas, and basically my entire paternal family. They've all been absolute shitbags to her and safe to say, they are not good people. So I do think a lot of what my mom says comes from resentment and coping mechanisms on her part.

It still makes zero sense to tho. Woman, you decided to marry him, not me. Why am I the one getting these comments thrown at me because you decided to have children with him? If you had such deep issues with his caste, maybe you just shouldn’t have married him in the first place!

Honestly though, I don’t even know what to make of this situation. There are so few inter-caste marriages around me to compare it to, and the other inter-caste marriages in my own family seem insanely healthy. So maybe this is just my own, very first, completely original experience lol 😭