u/After-Tutor-2159

I was dating a dismissive avoidant who is also unhealed, same as me as an unhealed FA. And they triggered all my anxious leaning habits so all this time, I thought I was anxious. But at the start, I was definitely exhibiting classic FA things. I kept pushing him away, a few times trying to leave him just to regret it especially when he stopped trying to stop me. I learned my lesson when I tried to block him out of despair of my feelings and he just let it happen as I told him I needed to do this. Within 5 minutes of blocking him, I unblocked him and went to his place to apologize and saw him devastated and crying. We made up, but things were never the same because he said in those 5 minutes, he already forced himself to accept I was gone which broke him. He never chased me when I pushed away. That was a hard reset for me I never tried to threaten blocking ever again after that and honestly was good for me.

Unfortunately, like I said. He was also unhealed. And he became someone who would break up with me, act like nothing happened and try to stay friends, and then try to come back. I always took him back. I became deathly scared of him leaving me, but learned to manage my protest and volatile behaviors. I actually got better at managing my feelings and regulating myself instead of expecting him to do it for me all the time. It didn't really make a difference to him.

At the end of the day, both he and I had one foot out the door in some way.

Anyway, I wish I knew much sooner that I was FA all this time. I don't know if it would've saved my relationship the way I wish it did, but I just feel like I could've been better. I always tried to do better even in my worst moments, even with all the shame and guilt I carry. I have always done my best to face it for the people I love. If I knew and was able to work on myself much sooner, I could've committed fully the way I know I wanted to with him and if he couldn't do that then maybe I would've been able to walk away much sooner.

I'm already in therapy, and even though my therapist has not used the term fearful avoidant or attachment theories, she is doing a trauma based approach on me. And quickly zeroed in on my desire and need to feel seen, my guilt and shame, feeling and living life like I'm too much and the fear of being abandoned because of that.

I wish my DA ex and I would still have a future, but I know it's already done and there is no restarting anymore.

Anyway, just looking for support from fellow FAs over here.

I used to sleep around a lot for company and validation. The attention was nice, on top of it feeling nice. I liked the performance of it all. Sex was my way of coping with life's struggles bilang hypersexual. Dated other guys and usually relationship is open and allowed ako to seek things out from others. Wala eh, ganon lang talaga ako. Kahit satisfied in bed, iba yung validation from being desired. Was never really a problem with the guys I dated, thankfully.

But after I dated my ex, I genuinely learned to be happy with him and his attention alone. He wanted me alone, and he also didn't want anyone else even if I allowed him and for once it felt enough. If he found me beautiful, that was the only thing that mattered. For once in my life, I genuinely didn't give a fuck about other people desiring me. Him wanting me was more than enough and I never felt that before him. Sex was making love with him. I loved being his personal porn star, and I loved adoring him and making him feel good. The physical intimacy was one of our strongest love language. Every touch from him made me feel so loved.

Now he's gone, we broke up. pero di ko na kaya bumalik sa pagiging hoe ko to cope with the loss. Even the thought of another man right now makes me sick. Getting any kind of attention from someone makes me want to run the other way now. So now there's no easy way for me to live through and cope with all my pain, all my life's struggles. Sometimes I get tempted, but then I try to look for someone and I feel my stomach drop.

I miss being his. I miss being able to use sex as a way to cope with the pain pero na outgrow ko na and alam kong di na ko babalik. So now I'm just left with this hollow feeling. It hurts. I miss being loved and held by him. I just want to make all this pain go away.

Almost two months since we stopped properly talking and really broke up. I see you in discord, online all the time. I know you're active in your discord server, you finally found new friends. Feel ko may mga kalandian ka na don. You're moving on.

Everyday, I think of you. Every morning, every night. I feel like I'm drowning. I want to reach out to you so bad but I'm tired of getting hurt and disappointed. I'm still just here, hoping that you'd want to find a way to make things work again. But you already gave up on me, and you can't make people stay.

It doesn't change the fact that I wish you would, in some way. Even just as my friend.

Magdadalawanv buwan na since we last properly talked. I missed you so much. I want to see you. I want to message you, pero takot na ako ma seen lang ulit. Araw araw ikaw iniisip ko paggising ko. I wish we could be together again, pero alam kong wala na kong aasahan.

I dated an ex for ~3 years. We had incompatibilities from the start, but we both thought things were worth the risk. He had broken up with me several times during the entire thing, but he would keep coming back in some way and I would keep taking him back. We both learned to settle with less and less from each other in terms of relationship definition but the actual relationship mostly stayed the same the entire time. (Affection, attention, emotional investment, etc.)

I am very well aware of my role in things, and that I kept taking him back. I knew what it entailed. I knew that there was always a good chance he would push me away again, I truly just had hope every single time that things would be different because I saw he would try. And I would also keep trying to do better. I know he has been selfish towards me too, and it's not like that was something I just forgave every single time. But I did my best to protect my own feelings while taking him back, and also understand why he was doing what he did, acknowledge my own choice in allowing this to happen again for a chance of things working out so that I didn't grow to resent him. I knew I was also hurting him, but I thought we were on the same page. As long as he saw me trying, it would be okay. Whatever he communicated to me that he needed, I would do. And if things needed to end, we would be amicable and still be friends in the future. Our foundation as friends was really strong, he was truly my best friend. Or so I thought.

Well things ended this February. I did my best to be amicable about it and initially we were. But I stressed to him that something truly has to change this time because I didn't want things to reach a point where he'll get upset at me, push me away to an extent where he feels he needs to block me. I still love him and care about him but we both reached our limit. We agreed to distance ourselves from each other, I had no problem with that because I knew that was what we needed to be okay. We would still talk but slowly talking less. Around March, he started putting HARD distance between us and he was frequently cold and aloof. Those days were horrible for me, I couldn't get up out of bed, couldn't eat and would cry the whole day. I lost weight in a week. My house was a mess, I was frequently hysterical, crying. I never told him, and I did my best to understand this was the process we needed to go through. I just wanted us to be okay with each other.

Eventually after a few weeks, he told me how selfish I was and how I put all my needs above his. His only fault was not seeing it sooner. I said I understood and apologized, didn't try to explain my side-- that was definitely not true but I know he needed his feelings validated and I also know that my intentions might not have been that, but the impact on him is still real.

Since April, I checked in on him and he no longer replied. I haven't messaged him again. He hasn't blocked me anywhere, but he's not the type to block anyway even if he dislikes someone. I haven't blocked him either, but already know I will not message anymore as I'm too scared of being ignored again.

Every day I wake up tormented by this thought that he hates me. I know I tried my best with what I knew. I know he did too. I know we were both unfair to each other in our dynamic but we loved each other and had to learn how to give up. I'm disappointed in him, but I can't bring myself to hate him, but I can't stand knowing he resents me. I'm doing my best to come to terms with this as it is now out of my control, but I wake up feeling anxious about this every morning. It feels like I'm getting eaten alive by regret and despair, and I spiral thinking about what he's now negatively thinking about me. That maybe now he hates my guts, secretly hated this and this about me, thought I was foolish, etc...

I'm in therapy, and I try grounding techniques to pull myself out of these thought loops. I try to distract myself, I go see friends but don't have a lot who are always available. I try to forgive myself for my mistakes and prioritize looking forward instead, but I'm still miserable everytime. My therapist and I haven't gotten to discussing this specific issue yet and my next session is May 11. I feel like I'm drowning.

TLDR:

EX resents me, I don't. We both chose to keep trying in a relationship where we knew we were incompatible. I'm always hurt thinking about how he resents me now.

Just growing up, I was always used to men never paying attention to me. I was never girlfriend material, guys rarely had crushes on me, men rarely hit on me and try to shoot their shot. But because I was skinny, I still did get unwanted sexual attention from men (the catcalling, the creeps).

I do remember the women always complimenting me, and saying they always saw me as a baddie. I took solace in that fact.

Now I'm 27, no longer skinny and young and I feel like I'm just expired goods. No one ever seems to find me attractive anymore, not even women. The tiniest amount of attention I from men in the past is also non-existent and people aren't nice to me as much as they used to be. I'm almost always invisible in a room, and no one ever seems to care about me/seems interested in getting to know me.

Sucks.

Edit: Some people seem to assume I'm talking about getting sexual attention aka being leered at, catcalled, etc.. No that's not my problem. Like I said, I still did get those purely just for being young and skinny. I mean men giving you attention like you matter, like they're interested in you, they want to get to know you, see you as worth their time.

I put myself out there and learned it is infinitely harder to do and get to know them when you feel like you have to earn another person's interest in you, pay attention to you vs them just naturally being curious and giving you the time of day. The older I've gotten, the harder this has become even for women.

I'm asking here because I genuinely don't know.

My ex and I have been separated for a few months now and he broke up with me. But I'm still hung over him. I just learned that what I went through with him might have been intermittent reinforcement:

He kept breaking up with me/discarding me throughout our 3 year relationship. Probably a total of 7-8 times. He and I had incompatibility issues, so I knew that things might not work out. But everytime he'd break up with me, he would come back after. During those break ups, it would happen out of the blue and he would just drop it on me. No previous signs or meaningful conversations. For months we'll be good, sometimes he'll open up about feeling sad our relationship isn't the way he wanted it to be exactly. But then out of the blue he'll tell me he's had enough and can't do this with me anymore. I was always in the mercy of his decisions. During those times, he would become cold and very withdrawn. After a few days of being cold and withdrawn and taking space for himself, he'll usually be warm again and we'd make up, try to be friends. He'll say he feels bad for hurting me and will make it up to me by being affectionate. Eventually we'll fall into dating again. I feel like this was my fault: early on in the relationship I told him that whenever I get hurt, all I need is an apology and to be comforted. He gave that to me. I think he also got used to it.

But it did make me scared of him being cold and withdrawn when he's not feeling okay about our relationship. If he's not okay about things related to his own life (work, friends, money, etc.) I had no problem dealing with him. But whenever it was related to us, especially me bringing up a problem I had with him and he would react upset... I would stop replying to his chats. And I'd just wait until he wasn't upset/so cold/or for him to initiate talking to me again. Usually I would reply, but once I get a message where I truly no longer feel like there's anything I can do/anything I say might cause a bigger fight where he'll leave... I go silent in chat. Eventually he'll come around and message again and I'll respond calmly or let him know I missed him.

After months of being hurt by that, he opened up to me that doing that made him feel uncared for as he felt like I would stone wall him. I had no idea. I truly thought it was the best choice as he would always need space when he's upset from me and to be honest something I learned to protect myself because there was a break up instance where he told me calmly he felt like he couldn't keep our relationship going anymore. I took it graciously but while admitting being sad, and then he got angry at me and suddenly said "maybe I should just end things here right now". I used to beg, used to panic and ask to be close to him when he's upset and I'd always be pushed away.

Other than that, our relationship was pretty good and we got along well. We we're always supportive of each other, caring, and attentive...

But then at the start of the relationship, I also had bad moments where I would randomly shut down. I was so fragile and insecure about a lot of things, and would get so easily upset by small things. I would just turn nonverbal. I've warned him of this tendency of mine before, and told him all I need in those moments are for a person to just stay by my side which he also did to the best of his abilities. There were times where I would get critical of things he would say, or get upset by small stuff and I would pick a fight. I never outright belittled him or verbally said something demeaning, but I would really be so critical. After moments like those and once I calm down, we'd talk and try to meet halfway and I'd do my best to make up for it as well because I know that's what I want. If he asks for space, then I give it to him.

Was that me doing intermittent reinforcement on him? That happened the first year of our dating. I did my best to really kick the habit as soon as I became aware of it, and I know I've gotten so much better at it after. Sorry if this post is all over the place. I just feel distraught.

I've posted before. This is messy, and I've beat myself up enough about it. I'm also already in therapy for it, but just looking for compassionate advice from others too.

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I was dating someone while being poly, then I fell in love with my mono best friend. He tried to date me while I was poly, didn't work out and he'd break up with me once he felt fed up with the set up...only to keep coming back asking to try again. I unfortunately always took him back.

After a year, I broke up with my poly partner to pursue exclusivity with mono best friend. I acknowledged the things that I wanted have changed and did my best to be honest with my poly ex and respectful, we broke up amicably. I told mono ex, and to give me a few months to just grieve before officially dating.

Due to misunderstandings, mono best friend and I never got to officially date mono and we just settled into an exclusive situationship of sorts despite secretly still wanting to be together. This was because at some point while I was single and taking time to grieve my poly ex, he got triggered by something and said he no longer saw me as someone he could be with romantically. I just wanted to have some of him instead of nothing so I let ourselves just be in a situationship while asking to just stay friends when it ends.

Looking back at it, I don't think he really meant that. When we were in that exclusive situationship, he started treating me like a real partner and even started having unspoken expectations about it. Meanwhile, I was doing my best not to ask for too much and just manage my expectations with what he gave. I thought I was giving him what he wanted staying like that, despite still wishing we could be officially together.

This whole thing lasted for ~3 years.

This February, he has broken things off with me after saying he felt fed up being in an unstable relationship with me (despite always being the one breaking up with me and discarding me), but that he'd still consider if I would be officially monogamous with him. I am very much capable of that and was always what I wanted when I became single for him. I said yes I want to be with him exclusively and officially. After telling me that, he said we could talk about it again after some time and we took space. We've stopped talking for a month now.

I know things are now too broken to repair at this point. There are a lot of issues beyond just communication at this point. He may have been still considering things with me, but I have a feeling I'm already ghosted as he just stopped replying to me.

I'm doing my best to move on, but very caught up in the feeling that we both wanted the same thing (monogamy) but didn't communicate properly and I cannot stop wanting him back, thinking we could still be happy if we just got a shot at properly dating exclusively. I know the relationship has a lot more wrong with it than that and I'm tired, but I still feel like we never got to have a proper shot at things because we never got to properly date exclusively. He is the one person I felt like I could be monogamous with, and actually marry.

how do I stop wanting him back?

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We both made mistakes, but I got good at always forgiving you for them and trying to accept what I could. You just slowly built resentment for me. I feel like shit because if you had just figured it out sooner and communicated it with me, I would've done anything to fix it. But no, you only really figured out when you felt like you've had enough too. Now I get to live on in your memories as someone selfish, always put my needs first. You don't even know the amount of emotional work I was doing to balance being considerate of you and how I thought I was giving you what you wanted.

Despite all of that, ako pa rin yung talo. I can't bring myself to hate you, to be angry at you, or even resentful. All I feel is disappointment, and I still wish I could fix things with you. But you don't reply to my messages anymore. 7 years of friendship, 3 years of dating, and igghost nalang ako.

And still I wish you'd come back, even if I know the version of you who loved me is now dead.

I hate this life. I love you, I would've given you everything I could.

Could really use one as I'm having trouble coping with mine. I'm already in therapy but feel like I need more of someone focused on the break up.