r/sexlessmarriage

If you planned a vacation for the sole purpose of having sex every waking hour, how would you plan it? Male and female wants, kinks and desires are all on the table or bed or couch or floor.

For our 10th anniversary, which was 14 years ago, I planned a week in Gatlinburg at somewhat secluded cabin in the woods. I bought her lingerie for everyday of the week, a bottle of champagne and she just couldn't focus on sex. I literally had to guide her with everything I wanted to try. I asked her what she wanted and her reply was, I don't want to waste time in this cabin when we could be shopping or hiking. As far as sex, she preferred to lay there for missionary sex.

I knew our sex life was dwindling, but looking back that's when the sexless marriage begins.

I posted yesterday and got so much feedback that was very helpful. I played to things I knew he liked, dressed up and asked him about what turns him on. I got some solid answers and even things I didn’t know. For anyone who didn’t see my post yesterday I 32f have been trying to help my husband 34m keep an erection that he says is hard to keep because of stress. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel now that we are trying some new things. I hope it keeps working and wish me luck tonight

I(38M) think I have learnt to live in a sexless marriage for a few years but there are those times when I need sex. I have been married for almost 7 years and life has had ups and downs.

Constantly, I’m looking to find a way to release that pent up stress and frustration.

Idk, where to go, what to do, and how to keep myself sane…. Just had a thought in my mind so I said it here.

Thank you for all the help earlier today. He was aroused for a little and some things did happen. I really tried to play to fantasies of his to help and he was aroused for about 15 minutes which is more than I’ve gotten in week. I’m hoping this continues to help us

Like title says been married of 20 years. She’s definitely LL and I wouldn’t say I’m HL. But dang I can’t get nothing without begging. Then it just feels like pity sex. Oh yes I’ve tried several talks and never gets better. I’m at my wits end.

For ten years or more, my wife and I have been wanting to take some time to travel around Europe. By coincidence we started talking about it around the same time as I let our sex-life die. For various reasons, including COVID in 2020, the plans kept getting cancelled. Now it looks like it's finally happening. We are going to be away for the whole of next month.

I will be very interested to see if her attitude towards our marriage in general, and me specifically, changes with her being away from her normal day-to-day routine where there seems to be very little room in her life for me.

What will her reaction be when I try to hold her hand? How about if I casually put an arm around her? Or if I look into her eyes and smile at her? I know none of this is going to be the start of her wanting me physically, and if I'm honest I don't want her to because I'm now so LL4her I no longer care that we never have sex these days.

I would just like something that might let me know she does care about us, and she still has some connection with me. Like if I start holding her hand a few times, and then one time not do it but stay close enough, will she reach for me? Will we find a mood where I can be comfortable enough to open-up and tell her my fears and vulnerabilities without her being dismissive because she's got too many things on her mind? If I hold her, will she immediately pull away? If I let that vulnerability out, will she want to hold me?

I'm not going with any expectations at all, but I'm hoping for plenty of opportunities to check her responses to my actions and words.

The lack of sex I can deal with. As I said I've become LL4her - and I don't think that will ever change now. I just want to know if we can still be more than just barely friends - which is what it seems to me we are all the time now, with everything she has going on in her life.

As I was leaving for a couple of nights away sometime last year, out-of-the-blue she said "If you wanted to leave me, you would say, wouldn't you?" That caught me totally off-guard, and I just said "Where the hell did that come from??" Maybe this time next month I might have a more positive response, one way or the other.

I’m (32f) trying to spice up the bedroom with my (34m) husband. I went down on him and grabbed his hand and put it on the back of my head. This was working for awhile but then I could feel him getting softer. I tried everything to get him back up but he just stayed soft after. I’m very much into trying new things for him and doing fun things. But he said he’s stressed because of work lately.

For those here who feel their marriage is now sexless or pretty much sexless - does your relationship satisfy you in other ways romantically?

Like are most other areas (quality time, communication, respect, actually wanting to talk/hang out) in pretty good shape?

I’m just curious if that’s the case for most of you or if a lack of physical intimacy is just one of the many things wrong with your situation? I’m here to rant and get advice on the sexlessness but I feel for me like there are other buckets in my marriage negatively effecting it.

My SO (40F) and I (44M) have been married for 17 years, together 20. Sort of the same as everyone else’s stories in here so this is nothing new… But in the past year, I could probably count how many times we had any sexuality in our relationship on one hand… Maybe?

I have a very high libido and she has barely any. She’s also very vanilla and does not want to try new things or explore or experiment so I’ve even asked her for an open relationship, just so at least I could have sex, and that was probably shut down.

Worst part is I feel like I have really in the past 4 to 5 years really matured in my sexuality and knowing what I like, and knowing how to please a woman. I am more of a pleasure dom, and I’ve really developed my sexuality into that. But I also want to feel desired.

When we do have sex, it is always the same. And it’s always tame and passionless and just get it over with. I don’t know what to do or where to go. We have a great marriage. I am just very unwanted and undesired and it’s hurtful and I want better. I want passion and desire and i’m to the point I just want to meet somebody where we just tear each other‘s clothes off.

Where do I go from here?

Why do you want me here living with you?

What are you getting out of this? Is it just my income? Is it the income you don’t want to lose in alimony? Is it so the boys have a father around all the time? Is it the pressure you feel from society to keep up appearances? Are you afraid that you wouldn’t find anyone after me? You would. You’re a good catch for someone with a low libido. You’re beautiful and smart and a hard worker. You’re well educated and you have an impressive job.

Or is this relationship working for you? Is this what you want, a friend to live with that you never have to show physical affection for or any affection for? You get to have a husband but without all the gross touching? Is it gross to touch me? Is it gross to touch anyone romantically? I know you’re not adverse to touching in general because I see the way you snuggle the kids and the dog. Is it just romantic touch? Is it just my touch? If your husband were someone else would you desire him?

Is it me? Is there something I could change that would make you desire me? If I lost some weight or got a higher paying job or vaped less weed or was more handy at fixing the house? Would that make you desire me?

Is it because years ago, before I took sex off the table and stopped initiating all touch with you, I put too much pressure on you to have sex?

Is it you? Can this all be boiled down to menopause? Is this just the new you from now on? Your body changed and now you have no libido and that’s just the way it’s going to be forever and I have to decide if I can live with it or not?

I’ve been married for about six years now, and we have a little one who’s almost three.

I fell in love with my wife early on, but within the first year of living together I started to notice she was carrying a lot of unresolved family trauma. She has a pretty intense temper and would often explode at me. At times, it felt like I couldn’t even speak without it turning into a fight.

I stayed because I genuinely loved her, but as the years went on, the arguments got worse. She doesn’t really take well to advice or constructive criticism, and it’s been hard for her to change certain patterns. Some of our fights have come close to getting physical, but I’ve always made sure not to lay a hand on her. On her side, there have been multiple times where she’s threatened to leave or just walk out.

I’m not perfect either, but I do feel like I spent a lot of the relationship being overly accommodating, always trying to keep the peace and be “the nice guy,” maybe at the expense of myself.

I’ve also tried many times to talk things through with her directly, especially around her temper and the need to work on controlling it. I’ve tried bringing it up in calm conversations, and I’ve tried addressing it at different times when things weren’t heated, but it usually doesn’t lead anywhere. I’ve even gone as far as speaking with her family to try and get support and help in talking to her in a constructive way. The same goes for our intimacy issues—I’ve had that conversation with her many times over the years as well, but it just doesn’t seem to change anything long-term.

On the intimacy side, things have also been difficult. In the early years, sex was maybe once a week, sometimes once every two weeks if I was lucky. I was always the one initiating, and she almost never did. After we had our child about three years into the marriage, things gradually slowed down even more. For the past couple of years, it’s basically been non-existent. When I do try, the response is usually that she’s tired or “maybe tomorrow,” but that rarely ever happens. These days, I’m lucky if anything happens once a month, and even then it feels like a chore for her rather than something mutual or wanted. So over time, I’ve just stopped trying.

She stays at home with our child, and I understand how demanding that can be, but it’s reached a point where there seems to be no real interest or effort in that part of our relationship at all.

The fights are what affect me the most though. Our last major argument really pushed me to my limit emotionally. I didn’t touch her, but I was so overwhelmed that I completely lost control of my words. She threatened to leave and take our child immediately, despite not having a job or real financial stability.

I’ve been trying to improve myself lately—losing weight, focusing on my health, and stepping back a bit emotionally because I don’t feel much love or affection coming back.

What hurts most is seeing how different interactions feel outside of the marriage—just normal conversations with other people can feel calmer and more natural, while at home it often feels tense and heavy.

At this point, I just feel stuck and unsure of what to do next.

The only three words of intimacy I hear in bed from my wife are "Go to Sleep" not "I Love You". I suppose the three words she wants to hear from me are " I am dying"

Well, the first of 2 possible opportunities for intimacy this year have come and gone. Yesterday was may B-day, not that it's a big deal, but in the past it was a day of hopefully some sort of sexual activity. Well, this time, wife was on a business trip last week. Woke up sick Saturday morning, still aays she's sick, and I'd be willing to bet she'll be fine by Sunday, and she'll be off limits because Monday is a gyno appointment.

Next maybe possible slight hope will be our anniversary, end of June, but I'm pretty much all out of hope.

Just wanted to rant and rave for a bit,.good luck to all those out there in the same and similar position I've found myself in.

Not really sure how to start this, but I'm in need of advice! I've been with my wife 11 years, married for 4 years. Our sex life before marriage was amazing!! We both would enjoy it, try new and different things, loads of oral and random positions and it was exciting. Post marriage, the sex got less but it was still nice when we used to have it. It got less partly because of me having a porn addicition which continued until after we had a child. Post partum was a difficult period for my wife. Sex was almost non-existant since her being pregnant. We discussed this, I agreed to not watch porn and we went through our wants/needs and desires both sexual and non sexual. Now, I dont watch porn and I act on her desires, the way she wants to be touched, cared for etc I try my best.

My issue is atm, she doesnt act on anything I've discussed so now when we have sex it feels a bit one sided? Like she will enjoy it, i will do all the foreplay she likes, she cums as many times as she wants and feel satisfied at the end. Although, I dont get none of that despite discussing it, no oral, a few kisses, not much touch etc, sometimes I dont finish and she'll ask whats happened?? And I'm thinking really?? Then she'll try and put a bit more effort in but by that point not really into it anymore.

Oral sex is something I love and it seems she is not into it anymore as she was before so now I feel like I dont get everything i want from sex, so its harder for me to want sex? But if i dont want sex, im the issue and when we do have sex, its when she wants it rather than a spontaneous moment, like it has to be planned... it just feels a bit mundane and boring. I love her with all my heart and really want to improve our sex life but im not sure how to at this point. We've sat down discussed it all, she says she understands and then the next few times we have sex shes back to how she was, no changes, no consideration of my desires, to me it feels like for her its about who gets off first, rather than enjoying an intimate moment. Sex atm is not regular, it can go beyond a month with no sex. I'm not sure if anymore talking or discussing it is going to help at this point so im lost.

Context - generally we cover the chores and household well between us, I'd say its a 65/35 split to her with the chores, she works less and i'm currently studying on top of a full time job. We are both 30

If I havent explained anything well, happy to continue in the comments, any advice would be great.

Men, I’m mostly curious on your opinion here. I’m early 30s. Husbands early 40s. I’ve always been the one with higher drive even when we were dating and can remember several teary moments then when he wasn’t in the mood. We had pretty good communication about it then and I believed it was a mix of lower drive, stress, and body image stuff. I got over it and learned to deal with the unbalanced desire.

We now have two kids (so clearly yes we have had SOME sex and on purpose at that) but outside of trying for them (which came fairly easy) it’s been heading downhill.. quickly.

What used to be 1-2x a month is now i don’t even know. Sure our life is busy. We’re high performers in terms of professions and have two small children but I am struggling hard now that it’s been so long and even if it did happen, it’s once in a blue moon. I feel… unmarried in term of any real intimacy. There’s no steamy make outs or anything to even give me something to think about sexually.

I have made MANY comments about it. Serious sit down type showing my concern and jokingly as well to try and get him to open up. He just seems SO uninterested in having fun with sex or anything super intimate.

SO MY POINT AND QUESTION.. is this totally normal sadly for some couples? And you choose to live with it or not? Is he maybe getting off on his own or is it totally normal for an early 40s male to have extremely little need??

It just feels wild to me since he also won’t open up about masturbation. I’m thinking my next step is asking if he will go to sex therapy.. before I slip away emotionally any further. I am not sure I can live the rest of my life like this. And I don’t want to. I miss touch and feeling wanted and desired. And I have a long freaking life to live damn it.

How’s that for my first Reddit post?

I posted earlier about how I’ve been trying to spice up the bedroom for my husband and I really have been feeling unattractive lately with my husband not wanting to be intimate. My post earlier had so many nice people to build me up and let me know I’m doing my best, this is a very nice community and I wanted to say thank you.

Hi. I feel like internally, the DB dialogue within myself has magnified in the last 10 days or so, since I had the DB talk with my wife for the first time since we last discussed it 14 months ago. So we talked 10 days ago, my wife has not brought the topic back up, despite her agreement that there is an issue and she needs to make it more of a priority. But what hit me today as I was coming home from work, I wish she was cheating on me. Now it would suck, and it would be a blow to the ego, but honestly, I can deal with that. I'm not proud of this feeling, but I can't lie, I think it would be preferable to the DB.

Does anybody else feel this way and ultimately, how does this end?

Creating a throwaway just for this.

My husband has a HL, I used to have a HL before kids. I have always been submissive sexually, and he also tends to lean submissive. We didnt think this would be such a big deal at the beginning of our marriage, however I think it is taking its toll.

Over the years I have expressed the need for romance and foreplay to get aroused. I have a hard time communicating exactly what I need in the moment, so I have tried using examples from romantic TV shows and movies. It has all been met with mockery of the media and not consideration.

We went to couples counseling and attended 6 sessions before he called it quits and stopped funding (I'm a SAHM). The counselor told him he needed to step up with household chores during our last session. He has been helping more around the house and with our child, but things still feel off.

I have gotten my hormones checked, gone to personal therapy, and generally explored every option on my end to increase my interest. I just can't get myself going without feeling romantically pursued. We are both unsatisfied and I am at a loss of what more I can personally do.

I, 45 m I've been married for almost 20 years to my wife 44 f. And, the infrequency of intimacy is destroying my marriage. It wasn't a dramatic plunge into this state but it's been 10 years of slowly turning off the tap. I would consider myself to have a normal libido for a man. Sure we always say we could have sex everyday but, I would be totally satisfied with two times a week at least with some regularity. Now we're about once a month, and my wife tends to act like she's doing me a favor when that does happen. I understand we're both busy for the last 4 years I had a job that kept me away from home for a few days at a time every week and then I would be home for a long stretch usually around 6 or 7 days. During that time she quite frankly would never initiate. And, if I ask I'm accused of nagging her even if it's literally once a week. Over the last few years the lack of intimacy has really killed my attraction towards her. That in turn has made it difficult sometimes in the bedroom. I constantly feel as though I am the only one who puts forth any effort to maintain this part of our relationship. There's always been an excuse with her she's tired or she just ate or something like that. Now, I'm dealing with a legitimate change of life where she's going through perimenopause and I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I want to be with her, I want to feel that closeness that we had earlier in our marriage but I just want to scream sometimes, and ask her if we're just done with that aspect of our marriage. It would be heartbreaking to hear it but at least it would be honest. I've tried to sit down and talk to her about it so many times I can't even recall the number. She says she understands but then not a thing changes at home. I've explained to her so many times how important that is to me and how much it helps to maintain that closeness, but nothing ever changes. I feel extremely unappreciated. I can probably legitimately count on two hands of times we were intimate in the last year and that's just not acceptable. I didn't get married just to have a roommate, I want to partner that I can be with emotionally and physically. I know someone on here is going to suggest splitting up, but that's just not something I feel as though I can do. I don't want to put my daughter through that. I'm stuck. I feel like I'm at the point where I almost have to resign myself to spending the rest of my life with someone that quite frankly doesn't view me in that light anymore and it hurts. I've always had issues with self-esteem and this just brings up a lot of insecurities in me.

So Im (37f) looking to work on being more forward sexually for my (40m) husband.

Youre welcome to check my post history for context, but we went through some major struggles due to our sexless marriage, and are actively putting the work into our relationship with some pretty good success.

Im able to make space for intimacy, my brain isnt categorizing it as a dirty act, and I am finding new things I enjoy, but im still struggling with initiation and saying sexual things out loud.

I lean more submissive 100% but my husband has said he would love if I became more comfortable using my voice and to show him when im in the mood. He explained it helps him feel like I want him, but he does understand that its difficult for me.

What are some ways I can start working towards being more sexually forward or leaning into fun ways to initiate sex that dont make me feel terrified 😅