r/USMilitarySO

I (18F)found out my boyfriend(19M) subscribed to 13 girls on OnlyFans. I saw messages of him flirting with them, and the girls were sending explicit pictures/videos back. What hurts even more is that he once told me if I ever made an OnlyFans account, he would break up with me immediately.

He’s currently away at AIT for the military, so I have to wait until Friday to confront him in person. I talked to his mom about it because I honestly feel shattered, and she told me it’s “not cheating” and that he loves me so much. But I genuinely feel betrayed and sick over this.

I love him a lot, but this completely broke my trust. I can’t stop thinking about the double standard and the fact that he hid this from me while acting like it would be unacceptable if the roles were reversed.

Am I overreacting? What would you do in this situation?

hey!
i’ve started to really like this reddit page because i said something on another military page about my situation and i got bashed hard for just missing my boyfriend while he’s at basic training right now (USCG). i love hearing all these stories that are similar to mine and it gives me comfort knowing im not alone. im doing fine, my bf just left a few days ago so ive been working on myself and doing the things i love, but of course sometimes it gets hard when all i want to do is speak to him.
are there any girlfriends with boyfriends who are currently training or deployment? how is going for you? i would love to hear your story!

I am new to this life, we have been together for 3 years and just got married this February, he put his request in this January, and today they said they had been approved which we were not expecting until this July or August. I do not know what to do, what to expect or how to cope with the beginning of this new life. I’m not sure where to go with this or how to help. I don’t know who to talk to or what the next steps need to be. Fear and anxiety are winning over excitement at the moment. I know my life is in some ways not my own anymore which I knew and was okay with going into it. But this is so new, so different. Can someone give me some pointers about what this might look like, what I need or should do?

So recently I talked to my boyfriend, who is in the Army, and I know he’s planning to propose by the end of the year. Overall, I have a really good feeling about him. I trust him completely, and for the first time in my life I can genuinely picture settling down with someone and building a future together in the US.

The difficult part is my family. My whole family is in Austria. I’m not especially close with my aunts, uncles, or grandmother because I was always seen as the “black sheep” of the family because of my ADHD and because I chose an artistic career while everyone else became nurses, doctors, engineers, and things like that.

The real issue is my parents. My mother is very loving and caring, but also extremely controlling because she’s deeply anxious about losing me. My dad is emotionally more distant, but I know he cares just as much. I also have an older brother who got involved with the wrong people very early in life and became a severe drug addict. It got so bad that he eventually needed 24/7 supervision, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw him truly clean. I have one cousin as well, but he lives a very non-traditional lifestyle and doesn’t want marriage or children, which means that in my family I’m basically the only chance for grandchildren and continuing the family line.

That makes this even harder, because I do want children one day, but they would grow up far away from my parents, and I know that would break their hearts. My dad is already retired, and part of me always imagined being there for him when he gets older and needs me.

I already experienced how hard distance is for my mom. My first serious relationship was with someone from Germany, and she hated the idea for months simply because he lived in another country, even though it was right next to Austria. Then I moved to the UK to study Game Art for three years, and it nearly destroyed her emotionally. She spent months telling me how cruel it was to leave her behind and how worried she constantly was.

Since then, I’ve kept my relationship life mostly private from my family just to avoid conflict. My mom actually still thinks I’m together with my ex because she liked him, and honestly it just felt easier than explaining everything and dealing with more stress.

The thing is, she may already suspect something. I introduced my US boyfriend to my parents at Christmas, but I called him a “very good friend.” I think she could tell there was more going on between us by the way we acted, but officially I’ve never admitted that we’re together.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel incredibly guilty about leaving my parents behind because they’ve done so much for me. They paid for my education, helped me with my first apartment, supported me financially whenever I needed it, and despite their flaws, they are loving and thoughtful people.

I don’t know how to tell them that if I move to the US, they might only see me once a year from now on. I don’t know how to explain that I love them deeply, but that I also need to choose the person I want to spend my life with and build a future with.

So I’ve (20F) been with this guy (21M) for 9 months, and I’ve known him since high school. We’ve both agreed to get eloped this year and I’m nervous as hell but excited. But he wants me to meet his family first which I’m okay with and he says whatever they say won’t change his mind. We talked about a prenup because I already know the whole spiel. My only thoughts are, he wants me to continue with my plan to live by myself after we get eloped. He gets out the navy in 2028 and I’m like wouldn’t it be better to live together after you get from deployment?

I have been thinking a lot about marriage. The plan is that during the 2 week leave after tech school we will do it. We have been dating for 3 years and 8 months. He is currently at BMT and I can’t talk to him about anything I’m reading. I just want to know if anyone who has experienced this could tell me, when would the best time be? Would it be directly after BMT? Or during tech school? Or after tech school? I just get anxiety about the paperwork and filing for everything, and 2 weeks not being enough time for everything to go through before he gets his first duty station. We both want to be sent there together. And I want to know that the 2 week leave would be enough time to have it solidified according to military regulations.

BF 26, myself 25. I don't know if this counts but my now ex is in the reserves and prepared to go into the military full term. I knew this. We dated for over a year and was ready to move with him where ever he went. When we started dating I did say I probably wouldn't move away from family. However, meeting him had shifted that view because I saw a future with him. We discussed future plans. He said a lot of "When" not "Ifs" when we get married, when we get a house, when we move. He even said he'd want 2 kids about 3 months ago. I wanted the same. Then he tells me he isn't even sure he wants 1 or even any. Or even ready for marriage at all. He is confused on it all and the future. Which I understand it is really scary. We come from divorced families and , I can only read on it, that military life is hard too. But I was reading in on that life and mentally preparing even though that's not enough in that life. But I was wanting to do it with him. And then him saying that he doesn't see a future at all , period. It just absolutely sucks. And I know this has to be so incredibly hard on him. He even said that a year and a half ago (we have been dating for a year) he wasn't imagining he'd be bringing someone with him when he went full time. Which I knew he wanted to go in for the beginning.

He started dating online and found me to see if he was worthy to anyone. What he describes was that his last relationship was a "romance book" where he met someone in person and felt more personal in that relationship compared to me. And I will get it takes two to tango, I wasn't the best either at communicating. It just absolutely sucks and needed to vent. I was really looking forward to the life with him, no matter what it entailed.

More random thoughts: I am somehow doing okay so far. I find it strange how okay I am with it. I am upset absolutely. In the fact that this happened the way it did. But a newer thought has come up of. The thought that someone else will have him someday, and it makes me want to throw up. He said he would come back here and we talked about it. And I thought that was a compromise too in its self. But he wasn't even sure where he wants to go after his 20years. not even seeing a future. And I hate to think it right now. I don't want to start over in this fricken world of dating. He even said crap like wifey too. It just makes no sense and is afraid he wouldn't support me if I went with him and that he is taking me away from fam.

so my husband and i recently got married (literally the day he shipped out to kadena 😅). we are now trying to get documents in order for me to get there too. has anyone else married in this way? what should i know? it’s a pretty unorthodox thing im realizing, and we’ve got a million people telling us different things about this process.

EDIT: i do mean PCS! sorry if very new to this and having a 13 hour time difference doesn’t give us a lot of time to explain things. he will be in okinawa for two years

Ok so turns out summer gets kinda hot, and I found a loud as fuck fan, so where's the most OPTIMAL place to put it? and what's the best way to cool down at night? I'll comment and post any findings I get.

Hi! My husband and I got married before he deployed and In the meantime im still living in Europe since im from here. I wanted to ask you guys’ opinion on a financial matter cos idk if im being unreasonable or not.

My husband is pocketing all BAH and he’s been getting a very generous pay since he’s on deployment. We have also been saving up to buy a house in Europe end of this year. I work and get much less than he does and have quite a bit of expenses. Before he deployed I had asked if he would be able to send me some of the BAH money so I could save a bit more from my salary. The reason for this is that i have to take the home loan on my name so the more I save and am wise with my salary, the bank might give us a higher loan.

He agreed but we never set an amount. So he gets to deployment and has been sending 300$ a paycheck and it feels like I have to remind him to send them. I also want to say that I appreciate every cent he gives because at the end of the day, its still his salary and he isn’t obligated to send money to me. However i cant help but feel that its a bit ‘unfair’ (if that’s the right word) that hes sending so little.

Sometimes I mention that I want something (bag, shoes etc) and he tells me he wants to buy them for me and tells me to buy the thing from the money he sent. He expects that from this money i buy myself stuff, get my nails done, buy food, pay for therapy etc but obviously i cant buy that much with 300$.
At the end of the day, i know he is saving up for our future and I’d feel guilty asking for more, but am I being unreasonable in thinking that 300$ a check isnt that much especially when he is making so much money?

I’m new here but wanted to make a post. I just dropped my husband off at his hotels for bmt and I’m in shambles. It feels like we just broke up or something. We’ve been long distance for half our relationship so that’s not my worry but I don’t know what is. All I want to do is cry and cry some more. Does this feeling ever go away? How do I continue my day to day life w/o this communication?? TIA

Hey everyone, I know this isn't necessarily the right place to post this, but I figured the significant others of military could be helpful and reassuring. I have a lifelong friend who is currently deployed, left on Friday. They told me before they left that there's a possibility that they wouldn't be able to communicate with me the entire deployment, but I suspect that's a "preparing me for the worst" kind of thing, or at least I hope so, because this person and I are very best friends. They said they'd contact me any chance they'd get. Platonic soul mates, in a way, and we've been a huge part of each others lives, and I miss them so much it is giving me anxiety about my own sanity. My chest feels so heavy, my brain feels foggy, and I'm an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I'm okay, and then I get hit with a wave of crazy.

I can handle long distance, a lot of our friendship has been years without seeing each other in person, but we'd always text constantly, and call daily. I just wish I could talk to them, almost feels like I'm going through withdrawals lol! But really the anxiety has been so bad I am concerned for myself, does it get easier? I can't really afford to go into a mental spiral right now, but I feel so on edge, like a piece of me is missing. I'm sure all of this is perfectly normal response, but I've never really been in this situation, and it feels like grief.

Any hope about it getting easier, any reassurance that I'll be okay...much appreciated.

Thanks so much.

Hi friends!!

I (21F) started dating my boyfriend (24M) a bit over a month ago. He has been in the military for 6 years and is planning on serving for 14 more. I just graduated with my Masters degree and am moving 3 hours away this month. I have a full-time job secured and was planning on remaining in that area for awhile. My boyfriend and I have had future-oriented conversations, and we have discussed wanting to move in together and get engaged in the somewhat near future. This would obviously mean I would relocate to him since I have more flexibility. I am totally understanding of the fact he is in the military and I would be the one making a lot of sacrifices as far as my career and future planning goes. I do feel pretty guilty about beginning a new job just to leave after 5 months or so, though. I would not relocate to him until I had secured another position, but I am concerned about the short duration of employment reflecting poorly on my resume.

I am also part of a program that requires me to remain in the state we currently live in for several years in exchange for my graduate tuition being paid for. He would be stationed elsewhere one year before my contract ends. This means I would still be in the town I relocated to for about a year on my own after he leaves. The town is in the middle of nowhere y'all LOL. I am unfamiliar with the military lifestyle/ culture as none of my family members were in the service. This man is wonderful and I totally see a future with him. I don't have any issues with accommodating his lifestyle/ career. I understand his obligations and I don't resent him for it. I just want to ensure I am keeping myself happy and healthy! Any advice would be appreciated!

Hi! I am very new to this but my husband just received his ship out date for Basic Training and he will be leaving when i’m 20 weeks pregnant (4 weeks from now). He returns from Basic/AIT just 3 days shy of my due date and I wanted to know if anyone has gone through this? From what I read, once he completes AIT he is eligible for paternity leave in the military, however, my husband is concerned that he will “look bad” at his civilian job since he’ll already be gone for 4 months and immediately is requesting his paternity leave shortly after. He is National Guard by the way.

Has anyone had an experience like this or just have good guidance if he’s maybe just overthinking it? he is a very involved father so he is struggling with the idea of not requesting paternity leave (from civilian job) so he can be with us but is also torn as that’ll put his leave at 5 months total.

Thank you and sorry if this post wasn’t relevant. 😅

hii, i’ve never really written anything on reddit so bare with me. i’m sort of just seeking advice on how i should handle a deployment, it’s me and my boyfriend’s first of many and just like him- i’m terrified. this deployment was very much unexpected since he wasn’t set to go until april of next year, last week he got told there was a chance he could leave the following week and today he was told he’s leaving very very soon. so many plans have been ruined especially this one specific trip i was planning on taking to go see him. i’m only 18 about to be 19 and have never been with anyone in the military let alone do long distance until i met him, i was super devastated when he told me the amount of time he’d be gone, the distance , and the time zone (he’s stationed in the west coast, we’re originally from the east. so the time difference hasn’t been too bad and very manageable) he’s been a sweetheart and very understanding of how i’m feeling as well, and very reassuring (which is amazing) but as much as i love to hear it from him it would be nice to hear it from other people as well, my friends have been somewhat supportive and helpful, but all of their boyfriends are here so i don’t expect them to understand much… i’m just seeking advice on what i could do to better support him and myself since this is a lot to take in!

Hi everyone! I (20F) am currently with my boyfriend (21M) and we have been together for over a year. I love him a lot, but recently, I have been getting anxious again. He wants to become a ( combat) Marine Officer and is currently in a program, he is graduating in a year. I've known this for a while and for the most part, it feels like I can do it. Then, other days, as bad as it is, I just want to leave and eventually be with someone who can build a life with me equally. I feel discouraged because I see post after post about how it's extremely hard, almost sacrificial to be a military spouse and it makes me worried about what the future can look like, especially since he's making this a career.

I want to be married eventually, preferably at 22 and have kids around that same age, so I know my wants fit the military timeline (haha), but when I realize that means I'll likely be a single mom in a marriage, I get worried again. I just don't know exactly what I am getting myself into and I especially can't tell with him since right now, the future isn't us for him, it's him. He says he can see himself getting married to me and whatnot, but he's also riding the wave, which I understand.

For me, currently in college, graduating soon, I see my peers with relationships that don't feel like there's an odd "impending doom" over their head. I know everything will likely be fine, but when I realize the amount of distance there will be, it all feels like something I will have to adapt to. What does he have to adapt to? That's unfair to say, but it's true. It's his career and his decision, but it impacts us both. I love him very much, I am proud of him for getting this far, but as it gets closer, my worries have intensified. Does it get better?

hey I’m semi new to this sub but I really find comfort reading everyone’s posts. I am in a pretty new relationship with a currently deployed USAF member. we’ve been together since january, he deployed last month. please lmk if thats tmi I really am new to military relations in general and dont want to say anything wrong. anyway. we started as long distance, we were together for two weeks in February IRL and things were amazing from a-z. I understand with deployment comes less communication and he is in a semi active area so I really havent been tweaking about the lack of contact. we havent talked since the 23rd , I havent heard a word from him since the 28th. I know that no news is good news and all that and although my heart is broken that we are apart, I have been coping.

My issue comes when I am talking to myself in the msgs all the time and thinking hes not able to use phone or whatnot, only to come on instagram and see him liking an ai generated post of Ishowspeed, Mr beast, and Kanye West that was posted 4 days ago. I havent heard from him in almost two weeks. so I’m just wondering basically if I’m making myself look stupid. I don’t think he would do anything against me , but I have to say I am hurt. sorry I’m faded rn so this message wasn’t worded the best. and I know I sound selfish probably and I just ask please don’t be mean to me I literally have never loved someone how I love this man and I’m really broken up regarding this entire thing.

please if you have advice or any opinion or whatever let me hear it. I literally have nobody that I know that is in the military to ask these things, I have nobody to come to and I am so upset. just need to hear someone who gets it thoughts.

TLDR my bf deployed and hes liking dumb pics on ig but I havent heard from him in twelve days please help.

My husband and I are long distance right now. Before he left, he gave me access to all of his important accounts. Today, I had to log into his email for a verification code and saw recent login emails from a dating website.

I confronted him and told him I was really disappointed. He said he only logged in to see if his old account still existed, but it was tied to an old phone number he no longer has access to. I asked him directly if he honestly went on there just to delete the old account, or if he was looking to see what else was out there because we are married.

What’s bothering me is that I later saw he had new matches. From my understanding, those sites only reactivate your profile if you can successfully access the account, so something wasn’t adding up. After I kept asking questions, he admitted he’s been feeling lonely and emotionally distant.

We talk every day. He’s never really been a FaceTime or phone call person, so we mostly text. We’re supposed to reunite in 2 weeks after being apart for 6 months, but now I feel like the whole reunion is going to feel sour.

I’ve always supported him emotionally and even adjusted my own career path to have more flexibility for our future together. He insists he never actually talked to anyone and only “looked,” but now I’m questioning everything because the story changed multiple times.

Would you consider this cheating?