r/TransRepressors

It's not even because I cannot pass or anything like that but it's because I'm not truly a transsexual and rather am just making everything up about myself. I am not truly dysphoric, I developed dysphoria because I cannot fit into a group of people I want to be for some reason.

I transitioned because of AGP, I have been AGP since I was 9 and that has make me mistake AGP for dysphoria. I am realizing that I am not truly a transsexual because I developed ROGD at a very late age, at 21, and I am exaggerating everything to find a sense of belonging. I could live without this, in fact, I think my life has gotten worse when I started HRT sometimes. I am putting a death sentence on myself for transitioning. There are very little benefits for me to transition. I think I should just accept that I'm an autogynephilic male and move on with my life. It's unfortunate I can't be a cis woman but becoming a trans woman will not help me in life.

I’m diving headfirst into full repression and I need your best advice, tricks, and strategies. I plan to test everything and compile the most effective ones into the ultimate “Repressor’s Bible.”

I’m willing to be the pioneer here. I’ll experiment on myself, track what works and what doesn’t, and hopefully find a sustainable way to repress successfully and feel content doing it. One day this knowledge can help other repressors live peacefully.

Come on everyone let's do it

I will create a text with IMMENSE power. My mind will rise as the FINAL Stoic supernova, slamming shut the iron gates of the mind with a thunderclap that makes the even the great thinkers PLEAD for my apporval. The ages WILL remember. The gates WILL hold. I WILL NEVER TROON

I think one of the main reason I'll always repp is I'd always come off as a really fruity guy if I transitioned and that makes me irrationally angry. I'm only into women and tbh gay men have always pissed me off a lot, especially the feminine ones that always hangout with groups of girls. I'd be disgusted with myself constantly being like that. Unfourtanely I am pretty fembrained and still like feminine shit (the colour pink, girls media I liked as a kid, pintrest athestic shit) and have feminine mannerisms and a kind of feminine way of speaking so I'd want to die constantly. I still want to die now. But I feel like this shit would be made 10x worse if I transitioned and went stealth everyone would think I'm fucking gay and like dudes and like dudes inside of me and that makes me exteremely disgusted at myself.

I'm a butchcoper but I do pass as male sometimes somehow despite having a comically feminine body. In college before I dropped out due to becoming a mentally ill degenerate and doing nothing but goon to anime girls and fetish shit and being high 24/7 and essentially becoming a nonfuctional person, a lot of people at my dorm just thought I was a guy solely because I never spoke to anyone or had friends. But when I'd open my mouth they'd say some shit like 'that guy is definitely fruity' if they didn't realize I was a woman and I hated it so much I feel like I genuinely perfer when people view me as an ugly butch lesbian over a fat gay dude. I feel like being an ugly butch lesbian has more aura and is somehow more masculine than being a feminine gay guy.

Also in general being a straight dickless feminine guy who comes off as gay sounds like hell on earth and depresses me. I'm not sure what I've done in my life to be born female, feels like a cruel fucking joke honestly. I would've been an actual chad if I was a guy atleast appearence wise. I'd probably still end up being a fat werido agrophobe anyways but atleast I'd have a penis to fuck shit with and a possibility to have a life I'd want. Self improvement is meaningless because I'll always hate myself for being born female. Also sex sounds incredibly depressing for me ethier way because the only thing I've wanted to do was penetrate women with my dick since I was like 12, which is the only thing I cannot do.I'm getting to the point that it's kind of lame I've never had any girlfriend or anything being that I've know I've liked women since I was like 11 so I think I'm just gonna start telling people I'm a misandrist and 4B instead of telling people I'm gay. Unfourtantly that probably wouldn't work because women can tell I'm checking them out constantly like a guy would, some girl said to my face in highschool that I 'look at her like a piece of meat' so I don't hide it well apparently.

I repped because I was afraid that people would discriminate against me, but now I'm a hermit and no one talks to me anyway, so maybe I shouldn't have repped after all...

It's too late to have any regrets...

>For a period of several weeks in 1966, Kaczynski experienced intense sexual fantasies of being female and decided to undergo gender transition. He arranged to meet with a psychiatrist but changed his mind in the waiting room and discussed other things instead, without disclosing his original reason for making the appointment. Afterward, enraged, he considered [don't want to get banned] the psychiatrist and other people whom he hated. Kaczynski described this episode as a "major turning point" in his life. He recalled: "I felt disgusted about what my uncontrolled sexual cravings had almost led me to do. And I felt humiliated, and I violently hated the psychiatrist. Just then there came a major turning point in my life. Like a Phoenix, I burst from the ashes of my despair to a glorious new hope."

as the title says i wish there was a real treatment for dysphoria and yes, i know the only treatment is hrt and surgeries but genuinely my life would be better if there was a way to make dysphoria disappear without transitioning, something like conversion therapy but actually working

I want to be a man but at the same time i want to stay the way i was born. I'm envious not only of cis men but also cis women, they don't have to worry about all that, they just feel comfortable in the bodies they have. I'd love to be like that but for me being a woman feels like wearing an uncomfortable costume.

I need help not transition, that's why my only solution is repping and hoping it will go away

I certainly dont want to be the people someone makes fun of, it actually makes me feel worse being non passing and openly trans. but to be a… I reallu don’t know how long I can keep on doing this. I originally started HRT after gender dysphoria become so unbearable that I couldn’t keep on going. but like, the relief of HRT never actually came. I really tried, I really really tried. I don’t know what to think anymore. in fact, I almost can’t think. I can’t even really work at my full capacity in society. I’m basically becoming jhon 50. this is a really cruel fate

I don't want to be some hon freak that real trannies make fun of and point and laugh at so I think I should detransition and just live as a man who wears a binder.

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I like to think I could rep for my entire life but I know it's not possible. I also can't transition because it'd be social suicide and my life would be ruined.

So I've decided to rep for a few years. When i reach my deadline at 25, only then will I genuinely consider transition.

In the meantime I'll abuse my moid privelege to climb the corpo ladder and amass gross amounts of money. Then I'll just disappear for 1-2 years, do all the surgeries and come back a completely different person.

Does it seem viable?

I feel like my life has just been a cycle of attempting to transition and eventually repping. Came out to a few people in middle/high school and fought to present myself the way I wanted to, eventually "gave up" and shelved it due to a lack of support and threats from my family and peers. Tried to go through college as a woman for like half a semester until I felt completely unfulfilled and realized I didn't have to do that anymore, socially transitioned for years only to go back into the closet at the very end because of circumstances beyond my control. I've been dissociating ever since and I hardly participate in life anymore.

It feels so stupid to see it written out like this. I should've been willing to risk everything for the opportunity to medically transition. I did have a plan to achieve financial independence so I could reach that point, before my career opportunities dried up from defunding. But I made the wrong choice to socially transition instead of toughing out the dysphoria until then, and found out that everyone around me was just humoring me and my "preferences" through that time. At least I learned how much being a nonpassing trans person can stunt your life, I guess.

I don't really know where I stand anymore. I keep coming across people saying there is no "true self" and we're all just the sum of our actions, that living up to our potential and benefitting society is more important than individual happiness and comfort, and it makes me feel fucking insane for even dwelling on my identity this much to begin with. Maybe I could've done great things if I wasn't consumed by this feeling that I'm not who I'm supposed to be. I want to rep because I know it's the logical answer at this point. My dysphoria is a tiny fraction of what it used to be, most of the time, and I've found a way to compromise on my self-presentation that I'm okay with. Transition as a whole feels pretty pointless if I can't live the life of a cis man. I've finally reached a point where I'm attractive and socially well-adjusted enough that people actually treat me like a human instead of an inconvenience. I should be happy. Why would I ever want to give this up for an isolating experience where I'll be rejected just for existing? And it's not just about social acceptance either, I'm also talking about survival. I see how hard my trans friends have to fight for themselves at every turn, and even though they've built good lives for themselves, I don't think I'll ever have the strength to do the same.

The only thing holding me back is I genuinely can't, and have never been able to, imagine a future for myself as a woman. And before anyone gets on me: yes, I tried the whole "radical acceptance" thing that the detrans subs preach. I've tried telling myself "a woman can be anything" over and over again, I've deconstructed gender and told myself it's irrelevant and uninteresting and I should just focus on my work and my hobbies. All it does is make me feel empty and out-of-place in every interaction I have, like everything I do is just a distraction or a waste of time because I feel so sickeningly wrong about it all. Frankly, I wish I never learned transition was an option at all. Maybe if I was forced to make peace with being a woman, with no hope of ever feeling better, I wouldn't be in this situation.

I think denying myself of the identity I grew into in college has broken something in my brain, honestly. I used to have confidence and goals and some level of self worth. I used to be able to sit with myself at the end of the day and feel fulfilled and content, even when I was totally alone. On the other hand though, when I went back into the closet and learned how much of the human experience I was missing out on as a(n albeit visibly) trans person, it crushed me. It's an insecure and maybe delusional way to think, but now I feel like I have to choose between being myself in any capacity and receiving the most basic level of support and community and empathy. I can't necessarily see a future for myself as a trans person, either, especially if I wouldn't be able to be stealth. Every option feels fucked.

Anyway, sorry this got so long. Feel free to tell me I'm being contradictory or crazy, I could use the reality check right now. I'm waiting to see a new psychiatrist and I can't talk about this anywhere else.

I hate being stuck in the middle.

I hate feeling like I’m on the knife’s edge of fully transitioning or just repping as a theymab outside of professional settings.

I hate not being *more* dysphoric, as privileged as that is of a feeling to have, cause I knew if I was I could force myself to do a binary transition.

I hate not having signs as a kid.

I hate the fact that everyone I read online who claims to feel fake like me is infinitely more legitimate the moment they go into detail.

I hate that I latched onto the idea of being trans years ago and I’m still so fucking indecisive.

I hate the idea of being a John 50.

I hate the idea of going through this and coming out of it as a fucked up cis man instead of a transgender woman.

I hate that I *want* to be trans, but might not actually be.

Ha-ha

Pooner with a cishet bf how original

Seriously though. He loves me. He chosed to stay with me even after I pooned out. He said he loves me for me yet my changes on T makes him uncomfortable. I know that.

But also I'm dependent financially on him. I could rep my whole life and do nothing, not even go out from home. Sounds nice, non?

I'm so incredibly fembrained god damn just kill me already

I realize how pathetic this is going to sound, but I'm tired of writing about all of the much more serious matters that involve being a closeted freak of nature.

The other night I was looking at Instagram posts, and yes social media is toxic and fake and all of that, but that's still my only window to beautiful things and I don't want to lose that. I saw a video of a woman trying out such a gorgeous dress, I gasped and almost cried because I know that will never be me. I will never be a normal woman, feeling pretty in a dress and twirling around. I'll never get married or have kids.

Until recently daydreaming used to lessen these feelings. I'd imagine so many scenarios where I'm a normal woman and thus my experience growing up was completely different. I still do that, but it doesn't puts me at ease as it used to. I think its because I turned 30 5 months ago. I can't even write "just turned 30" because its been almost half a year, and before I know it this fucking year is over and I've done nothing with my life again.

So fucking sick of being disgusted by myself, to feel uncomfortable in my body even when there is no one around to see me. I wish I could know what it's like to feel desired, to actually experience life. I got old without even having the chance to live a little. I wish I had the guts to end it all.

I graduate college next week and it’s finally hitting me that I am going to graduate as the most inauthentic version of myself. I repped to stay in my family’s good graces and I just never told any of my close friends because the thought of changing their perception of me to anything remotely negative haunts me. I stopped trying to talk about it entirely. I focused on my classes, I did my work, I drowned myself in my hobbies and my academics and did everything I had to. But this monumental, “finding yourself” era of my life is over and all I did was find myself less and less human. I don’t know what to do. Now it really does feel too late. I felt like I wasted 5 years of my life by being a fucking pansy.

I feel like my life never started and will never begin. So many times I’ve almost pulled the trigger to diy, to start, to give up and tell everyone so I can burn all my bridges just to get it over with. A part of me wants to ruin my life so I don’t have to keep bottling it up, but I won’t. I’ll just continue on keeping it to myself. Even complaining about this makes me feel entirely fembrained. It feels like sometimes I’m just waiting for someone to notice. Keeping all this trans shit in my head is genuinely making me schizo and I have no outlet.

What to do genuinely, everyday I'm just barely keeping from drowning. Ever since I started HRT I've become even more dysphoric, not less. I'm scared. I feel like it's making me severely suicidal, I feel like I actually might 41 if I continue, it's seriously messing with my brain chemistry, also I'm getting more emotional and aware on hrt, making me even more aware how I'll not pass ever and how I'll just always be this horrific chimera-thing.