Repping is lowkey driving me nuts
I feel like my life has just been a cycle of attempting to transition and eventually repping. Came out to a few people in middle/high school and fought to present myself the way I wanted to, eventually "gave up" and shelved it due to a lack of support and threats from my family and peers. Tried to go through college as a woman for like half a semester until I felt completely unfulfilled and realized I didn't have to do that anymore, socially transitioned for years only to go back into the closet at the very end because of circumstances beyond my control. I've been dissociating ever since and I hardly participate in life anymore.
It feels so stupid to see it written out like this. I should've been willing to risk everything for the opportunity to medically transition. I did have a plan to achieve financial independence so I could reach that point, before my career opportunities dried up from defunding. But I made the wrong choice to socially transition instead of toughing out the dysphoria until then, and found out that everyone around me was just humoring me and my "preferences" through that time. At least I learned how much being a nonpassing trans person can stunt your life, I guess.
I don't really know where I stand anymore. I keep coming across people saying there is no "true self" and we're all just the sum of our actions, that living up to our potential and benefitting society is more important than individual happiness and comfort, and it makes me feel fucking insane for even dwelling on my identity this much to begin with. Maybe I could've done great things if I wasn't consumed by this feeling that I'm not who I'm supposed to be. I want to rep because I know it's the logical answer at this point. My dysphoria is a tiny fraction of what it used to be, most of the time, and I've found a way to compromise on my self-presentation that I'm okay with. Transition as a whole feels pretty pointless if I can't live the life of a cis man. I've finally reached a point where I'm attractive and socially well-adjusted enough that people actually treat me like a human instead of an inconvenience. I should be happy. Why would I ever want to give this up for an isolating experience where I'll be rejected just for existing? And it's not just about social acceptance either, I'm also talking about survival. I see how hard my trans friends have to fight for themselves at every turn, and even though they've built good lives for themselves, I don't think I'll ever have the strength to do the same.
The only thing holding me back is I genuinely can't, and have never been able to, imagine a future for myself as a woman. And before anyone gets on me: yes, I tried the whole "radical acceptance" thing that the detrans subs preach. I've tried telling myself "a woman can be anything" over and over again, I've deconstructed gender and told myself it's irrelevant and uninteresting and I should just focus on my work and my hobbies. All it does is make me feel empty and out-of-place in every interaction I have, like everything I do is just a distraction or a waste of time because I feel so sickeningly wrong about it all. Frankly, I wish I never learned transition was an option at all. Maybe if I was forced to make peace with being a woman, with no hope of ever feeling better, I wouldn't be in this situation.
I think denying myself of the identity I grew into in college has broken something in my brain, honestly. I used to have confidence and goals and some level of self worth. I used to be able to sit with myself at the end of the day and feel fulfilled and content, even when I was totally alone. On the other hand though, when I went back into the closet and learned how much of the human experience I was missing out on as a(n albeit visibly) trans person, it crushed me. It's an insecure and maybe delusional way to think, but now I feel like I have to choose between being myself in any capacity and receiving the most basic level of support and community and empathy. I can't necessarily see a future for myself as a trans person, either, especially if I wouldn't be able to be stealth. Every option feels fucked.
Anyway, sorry this got so long. Feel free to tell me I'm being contradictory or crazy, I could use the reality check right now. I'm waiting to see a new psychiatrist and I can't talk about this anywhere else.