So. now what?
I graduate college next week and it’s finally hitting me that I am going to graduate as the most inauthentic version of myself. I repped to stay in my family’s good graces and I just never told any of my close friends because the thought of changing their perception of me to anything remotely negative haunts me. I stopped trying to talk about it entirely. I focused on my classes, I did my work, I drowned myself in my hobbies and my academics and did everything I had to. But this monumental, “finding yourself” era of my life is over and all I did was find myself less and less human. I don’t know what to do. Now it really does feel too late. I felt like I wasted 5 years of my life by being a fucking pansy.
I feel like my life never started and will never begin. So many times I’ve almost pulled the trigger to diy, to start, to give up and tell everyone so I can burn all my bridges just to get it over with. A part of me wants to ruin my life so I don’t have to keep bottling it up, but I won’t. I’ll just continue on keeping it to myself. Even complaining about this makes me feel entirely fembrained. It feels like sometimes I’m just waiting for someone to notice. Keeping all this trans shit in my head is genuinely making me schizo and I have no outlet.