r/Fosterparents

Hello, friends. We are in a bit of a pickle with our current foster placement. They have been in care for 3 years now and the goal plan had changed to guardianship with a family member during that time; unfortunately, they had to be emergency removed from that placement as it was discovered that the home was entirely unsafe. There are two children, aged 9 and 10. Mom is currently trying to get caseplan changed back to reunification and we are waiting to see if that will happen, but from what I understand it is difficult to get the plan changed BACK to reunification. My issue now is that this is our very first placement and the 9YO seems very adamant that we are their "forever family" and it convinced that we are going to adopt her (which she states she would prefer over reunification). 10yo would prefer to go back to family if possible but is also open to the possibility of being adopted by us. I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and am due with our first bio child at the end of November. Our house is simply not big enough for two preteens and a newborn, not to mention the thought of going through the adoption process while postpartum. We only wanted to foster with potential to adopt sometime after we had our own children... how do you explain to a 9 year old that you are a foster family and not a potential adoptive placement? She has her hopes high and I think she will feel blindsided and rejected by this. Thank you in advance!

I see many comments saying do respite first to get your feet wet and try out kids before committing to them. No. This is bad advice.

For one respite is really really short. Like a few days or 2 weeks max. It's meant to be short. Many foster parents use respite to take a break from us(which is another story).

Two as a foster kid we all know you are trying us out. We aren't dumb. I was in respite care when it's clear as day they wanted to see if I fit. But we know respite isn't forever anyway and it's just a way to get rid of us until something else comes along or the other foster home decides to take us back. So the whole well lets try to see if it works is inaccurate because as a foster kid I knew it wouldn't work. If you see a child as temporary and see a child as trying on a new pairs of shoes of course it won't work the way you expect it to.

Three, I hated respite care. Hated it. Not only is it another disruption but the fact the person caring for you tells you you're too much feels awful. We foster kids can't catch a break but meanwhile foster families can use respite to take a family on vacation. Respite is too normal is foster care when it shouldn't be. It's another disruption.

Four, in respite most of the time you aren't doing much but giving the kid a bed to sleep in. You aren't doing the nitty gritty work of appointments, visits, schooling, etc. So comparing respite to actually foster care is a joke. Plus we know you don't want us. So why even try or bother sometimes. I stayed inside my room most of the time and didn't unpack at all. It takes time to actually get to know someone and build a relationship with them. Respite doesn't give you that so as a former foster I didn't even bother or try with respite families. For some respite is the fun home since it's so temporary.

Fifth, you can't use respite to see what fits. We aren't pizza toppings you try out. Every child no matter what age or background will be different. You can do well with toddlers in respite but long term don't. Why? Because every child has different needs and personalities.

Giving the advice to especially new foster parents to just do respite first is setting them up for failure and disappointment. Especially since trauma work and healing takes time to actually work through and respite is used as a way to abandon us. If you work full time of course respite is easy but then you get a regular foster placement where you have to do a lot more and now you have to figure it out while working full time. Respite isn't like regular foster care and neither is emergency foster care for that matter. Respite is respite.

Heavy Sigh If you're new here please at least listen to my post. Too many are missing the point and defending respite care when that's not the point at all. Yet again foster kids are at risk and our needs and feelings come last before anyone else's.

And this also shows how the selectively is. If this post praised respite care the comments would be different. Yet again all lived experiences don't matter. If a foster kid says that's harmful I think we should listen not defend our actions. Sorry for being a disappointment and for not being grateful enough for respite care. How wrong am I? Sorry for trying to help foster parents and newer ones at that too.

This needs to be addressed. At least once a week someone posts about disruption. The reasons vary.

"We didn't sign up for kids with medical problems."

"I have an aggressive dog and I'm afraid it will hurt this 3 year old girl."

"I just wanted one kid not two."

"My husband is uncomfortable with a teen girl."

"This child wants different food than we're used to."

"Oops, we changed our minds"

Oh and my personal All Time Favorite!! The lady who wondered if she had to keep the kid until graduation since she was turning 18 a couple months before graduation."

The replies are always along the lines of "oh, of course that is so hard for you, it's fine, do whatever you want." Or some variation on the idea that even if this one doesn't work out maybe the next one will.

I agree that the people who make these posts probably should send these kids on. They aren't the "parents" these kids need. I would like to point out, if you get a pet from the Humane Society then return it you are banned from ever adopting an animal from them again.. If you were to make a post about how you accepted an animal with health problems then decided it was too much...people would tear you apart for trifling with an animal's life.

I am constantly shocked at how many "foster parents" here take a position which downplays the gravity of these situations. Sure, in the moment you might as well ease things along for these people but it leaves the idea that it's fine to just kick these kids down the road when it gets hard. It supports this misconception that committing to the children is optional.

Foster children are not practice runs for the "Real Thing". If you give birth to a child you don't get to wait a few months then say, "oh, this is too difficult" or "oops this one has a medical problem, better send it on to someone else."

Taking in a foster child requires far more planning, thought and consideration than conceiving and giving birth. So, you should be sure. There is no "oops, send it back". You are trifling with a person's life.

We have been fostering this young man (9) for almost a year. He came to us unpotty trained. He wore pull ups sometimes during the day but mostly at night. Smeared his poop on every object he could touch. And was unable to go a night without defecating and urinating in bed.
When he moved in we got some fiber in him to make pooping easier, and we got him on a toileting routine. We have seen a lot of progress over time but lately he has regressed so much, like worse than he was when he moved in.
Now not only is he back to having day and night accidents, he now uses his clothes, stuffed animals, and toys to wipe when he “doesn’t feel like going to the bathroom”. We have him wash his own clothes and hand wash the poopy items before they go in the washer as a “natural consequence”, and truly I hoped it would gross him out enough to stop…boy was I wrong. He don’t care and is still getting worse almost daily.

We know it’s not a GI issue or health related issue cause he’s been evaluated. It’s truly just control and lack of motivation.

We are at our wits end with it too cause it’s not just refusal to go or wipe properly, he will try to physically fight us, posture and threaten to hit us, throw things, break things, and cuss at us when we do try to encourage him to go or follow his routine.

We tried several reward systems to encourage him to follow the routine and be kind while doing it and nothing is working.

I’m just looking for some kind of advice or ideas! This kid is pushing us and the organization we work with honestly isn’t helping all that much. Some of them have even denied that we deal with this behavior and it “can’t be really that bad” cause they aren’t seeing it when they spend time with this youth.

I just wanted to scream this into the void.

I’ve got a 14 year old with me for a short bit before she goes back with her mom. She’s been through a lot and is going to have a long road to recovery.

But I’m having a great time with her this week. She’s so sweet and I love hanging out and making dinner and watching tv with her in the evenings. I love our chats on the way to school. She’s funny. She’s genuine. She’s honest.

I hear so many people coming here to vent about problems. But I friggin love my girl and I just want to tell someone!

❤️❤️❤️

Hello to all the hard working foster parents. The state MI that I work in as a court mandated PT observer, is requiring all children to go to PT sick/ill on PT visit days. Kids are supposed to be fever/vomit free for 24 hours in order to be eligible to go.

Obviously we want birth parents to see their kids however this causes much risk to other siblings who may not live in the same household and to staff and parents who are required to work without any additional compensation. The state does not care about staff or children's safety or comfort. However, they do care about foster parents and relative caregivers who they rely on to keep children housed and well taken care of. I'm sure you all have a lot on your plate and there are so many issues going on in the world. But from a humble very low wage worker who has dedicated years of service for very little compensation and NO sick leave, please contact your state reps, MDHHS reps whoever you can to try and get a change from this. Kids sometimes have to drive 40+ min in the car and it's so uncomfortable for them to be sick sitting at a library or at a McDonald's. I also would like to be mildly selfish and say that I would like to reduce the risk of getting sick. Since being in this position I have been sick with severe cold/flu/strep/covid because children are required to go to visitation ill. We do not get compensation in sick leave, and are usually required to go to work sick as well. Which means we are transporting children of all ages to visitation 0-17 years old. Do I want to do this? No. Do I have to in order to live? Yes.

So please, if anyone could help with this it would be much appreciated.

First time FP here to kinship placement. Mom won’t allow 4 year old son to get a haircut. Mom is claiming he’s growing to be able to donate it but this is not by his choice. Developmentally delayed and potential diagnoses to come at some point. This has been a lifelong thing for mom, but after 3 years his long hair was cut without a donation- I’m not sure who or why it was done then. I’m honestly not even sure the last time mom has been the primary caregiver of this little person either.

My concern is there is clearly trauma around the hair, I’m lucky when I can wash his hair in the tub without setting off a major meltdown or behaviors and he won’t allow a brush near his head -even just the soft boars hair brush. I’ve tried to brush with all sorts of different tools, different distractions, different times of day and I’m at a loss. I don’t feel right continuing to go after him with a brush time after time and scream after scream.

We’re doing things like story boards and watching Daniel Tigers routine to really make progress— we’re starting to sit on the potty and even allowing a toothbrush in our mouth, but the head/hair is a no-go zone.

How do we navigate this situation? Is this just a time to respect his personal space around his head until he feels safer and secure? Is there light at the end of this tunnel or should I be documenting and continuing to push for an eventual release for a haircut?

We have sisters who get phone calls that just started. Is there a suitable time limit? They started last week and honestly they talked for an hour. It was the first one and they haven’t been in contact since February. This is with grandparents. I really believe an hour is a little long so is their like a rule or any tips you have?

My husband and I are Caucasian. We had a 3 yo placed with us on Friday. They stated he was Hispanic but the worker dropping him stated us not speaking Spanish was no issue bc LO did not speak in any language. After drop off, it is VERY apparent that he is very fluent in Spanish. He is sweet and loves playing with our bio. However, we've been using Google translate to communicate and calling bilingual friends for translation help. Should we disrupt? Are we doing more harm then good? He had been sleeping in the DHS office.

For the last several years we have been trying to help my brother-in-law with his three daughters. They are 10, 8, and 6. They live in Newport News, VA and have been homeless on and off for several years. Until this year the girls had never been in school, and getting them enrolled. Felt like a major victory for us. However, now that they are enrolled in school, we are learning how far behind they are academically, medically, and socially. So much so, the CPS has indicated that they will be removing the kids soon.

They reached out to us because they are trying to keep it quiet from my brother-in-law, because they are concerned of his reaction. But they wanted to see if my wife and I would consider long term placement.

My wife and I live in Pennsylvania with our 3 kids (11, 9, and 3). We live within our means in a suburban community. We are trying to think through everything that could come with this decision but are really unfamiliar with foster care, kinship placements, and ICPC processes.

What do we need to know? What aren't we thinking about? What would be your concerns?

My boyfriend and I are fostering his three year old grandchildren. They are twins. I have rules set that food and drinks stay at the table and toys can be played with in their bedroom. They need reminders, but are good about following the rules when I am home. I went away last night for a work conference, and my boyfriend and his daughter had the kids. I came home to find they had been given markers and had drawn all over themselves. I also found crumbs all over my couch and yogurt all over their bedroom. Is it really too much to ask for them to be watched and the house be somewhat kept in order?

I am 38 years old, living in Los Angeles California, and within the next 2 years I want to be a single foster parent.

I grew up in the system most of my life, went through some tough stuff and am now ready to start the journey to becoming a foster mom.

Through all the hardships, lessons were learned. I want to use my experiences to help others.

I want to be the adult I wish I had when I was getting close to emancipation.

So, my question is, am I able to request teens that are 15+, and dont have much family/guidance?

I respect that the system is be built on WANTING TO REUNITE FAMILIES, and power to that...

But I want the kids who don't have many people in their lives.

My dream is to be a foster mom and my job will be running some type of non profit organization that allows me to go to different foster agencies to spread information...like the ILP classes, (Independent living program).

I want make it REAL, and teach kids about real things that will help them. How to take care of your credit so that HELPS YOU. By 21 I had HORRIBLE CREDIT.....

I have so many ideas and im ready to start!!

My husband and I have been certified for a year now and he said after a few respite kids he would feel better to take a placement. Well we’ve had 6 respite kids and he still is unsure of taking a placement. We don’t have any kids and are a young couple that like to travel and I am working FT and in school FT and he works FT. Fostering was always my passion but he’s been very supportive and vocalized how much it’s changed his life. What can I do to make him feel more comfortable?

My husband and I were approved in January as respite carers. We are a pretty involved aunt and uncle to my sister's kids, but have never had a child in our house for more than one night, until now.

A few weeks ago we looked after a 5yo girl for a night. She is the coolest and we love hanging out with her, though we were absolutely shattered after 24 hours and were basically comatose after we dropped her home!

We had planned to look after her again this coming weekend, but got a call on Monday saying that her carer was having a family emergency and would we be able to look after her all week. She was so excited to spend "six sleeps!" with us, "because I know you already", which was tender since we have really only met her once (plus a coffee date with her carer during which we were roundly ignored, haha).

She's a happy kid - playful, cheeky, funny, creative, affectionate, and a great negotiator who is very cool with a compromise. Our house looks like a bomb hit it and last night I ate half a frozen pizza for dinner instead of cooking and none of my systems are system-ing and my order is not orderly, but she is clean, fed, watered and dressed and honestly, I love having her here and so does my husband.

The agency has been great - she lives nearly an hour from us and they've been able to organise all the school pick ups and drop offs.

We have respite lined up for another child in a month's time and I'm aware that she'll be completely different, but I had anxiety that I'd go through all of that training only to meet one kid and think "what have I done?" and it's a huge relief that this feels so right.

I am a teacher and in my class I have a 9 year old boy in foster care. Every day he brings Ramen noodles and cheese crackers for lunch. For drink, he brings fanta. His foster mom told me caseworker won't allow her to change his diet and they can't do the "eat what I make or have a sandwich" method. Or their home can get into trouble. Hes been with this family for 11 months.

I understand being trauma informed in the early months but what happens if a foster child refuses to eat fruits and vegetables for years?

I’m certain that I’m not the only one feeling the complex emotions that Mother’s Day can bring. Not only do we have our own maternal relationship baggage to navigate today, but as foster and adoptive parents there feels like another, more complicated layer.

I’ve had my son in my care for four years, since he was about seven months old. We finalized adoption this past August. Today is my first Mother’s Day as his official, legal mom, and I’ve been feeling the joy and sorrow of the day so intensely. I also have his 1.5yo sibling in my care via foster.

Currently, I’m sitting on my front porch enjoying the beautiful weather, birds chirping, breeze in the air and they are inside on a FaceTime with bio mom, baby sibling’s dad, and big sister (who lives with a third party).

Anyone else feel like they can’t fully enjoy or even be present on days like today? It feels icky to lean into it — “celebrate me! I’m your mom! Thanks for these flowers!” — and also icky to sit too long in the reality of a broken family and ruined relationships.

How are we getting through days like today? How are we handling our own hearts and caring for the hearts of our littles?

He’s confused, and he’s sad. And I know I can’t fix that, that this will be a lifelong journey of healing and revisiting, and that one day he will demand accountability from all the adults in his life. But right now, what do I do? How do I support him in his nearly five-year-old emotions and thoughts?

I pray a lot. We go to church. We ask for comfort and healing broken hearts. But I think that seems so BIG for little kid, and maybe difficult to wrap his mind around.

I think these things don’t really have answers.

Sending everyone here a hug today, whether you’re navigating your own emotions or helping a kiddo through theirs.

Grace.

Hi there, I am a 27yr male. I’m going to give a lot of back story here but here we go. I’ve been a truck driver the past 6 years thus I’ve stayed single my entire adult life. I’ve always wanted to be a parent as I love my non blood nieces and nephews and would give my life for them. I stay very active in their life. One avenue I learned about earlier this year is foster care and started following people like Peter and I think the other guy is Jesse. So I’ve been starting it off and on research here and there. I’m getting ready for a complete life and career change to prepare for the possibility of one day starting a family whether it’s traditional or fostering or foster to adopt. My current plan next year is to get into banking because from what I’ve seen it’s pretty stable and can offer great work life balance compared to what I’m doing now and it can pay decent.

I’ve always wanted to be the father I never had (bio dad not in my life and step dad had his own things to work out but now in my twenties we are decently close)
Anyways I have a bunch of questions so here we go
\- any career advice or recommendations to better support the extra care and schedule the child/children need
\-what would you recommend I study over the next few years to better prepare myself for this
\-providing if and when this happens what kind of children would I expect to have in my care
\-will being a single male place stricter guidelines on children I’d be placed with? The only thing I can come up with in my head is I’d not be a good fit for a child that dealt with male abuse
\-if you could build a bear me what would you suggest I look into changing in my life or learning to be a better foster dad
\- Im under the impression I’d be asked what ages and genders I’d prefer am I allowed to have different choices based on if it’s just fostering vs foster to adopt

Really just learning and putting feelers out there I have a lot of love to give and want to give a child a safe place to heal and remember they are deserving of love

Just rambling more at this point but I have more nieces than nephews and more female friends than male friends so I think I’d rock being a girl dad
Last week my niece did an awesome job at doing my makeup 🤣🤣
And this week I got her cute unicorn jewelry and a unicorn terrarium night light for her birthday coming up!

More rambling in a traditional sense I’d love to have siblings 2 boys (my little potential gamer partners)
2 girls because who doesn’t love showing up to work with pink nails because his daughter wanted to paint his nails so he could be handsome

In the case of fostering it’s the kids first and creating and environment where they can heal and be safe and hopefully reunification as I’m clear that’s the ultimate goal and every kid deserves to go back home to mom and dad providing all the steps were followed

I’ve learned it’s very tough and navigating their trauma can be hard on them and me so like what do I need to learn
Also is it okay to cry out of joy and sadness at the same time when they do go home

So yeah I’m not sure if all this makes sense but from what I’ve shared what do I need to learn and understand before doing this or who knows maybe from what I’ve said thus far maybe I come off as a bad fit

Anyways if you’re here thanks for reading this far, I’ll follow up as best as I can
You all rock
God bless

28F, single, full-time employment. I live in a rural neighborhood, small town. Started foster care journey and meeting other prospective parents in classes. Does anyone else not feel like they fit in as a single foster parent? A lot of answers for single foster parents in my classes have been, “call your own parents!” when given a tough situation. My parents are deceased and my siblings live farther away. I have my small knit community and feel like my classes are so out of touch with the reality of being a single person who works…

Any advice besides “call your own mom if you need an extra hour to sleep or a break.” 🙃🥲??

I've posted on here before at the beginning of our placement. The general consensus was to give the placement time for everyone to get into a routine, and some of my severe discomfort has truly been addressed by that additional time.

However, I am really at a point where I'm just not sure if we're the right placement for this foster OR whether we're just not right for fostering at all at this time.

Some of the issues present are that our placement is medically complex, and we are essentially nurses. This also limits being outside of the home (we are both approximately 30 yo, and that is a major change as well). Others are the constant doctor visits, constant arguments with pharmacists/home medical providers, and otherwise the general state and agency visits. Just yesterday, we learned we needed to have a monthly pediatrician appointment. I am a single child and caregiver to my mother who has advanced dementia, and we are in the process of figuring out when assisted living will have to be transitioned towards. I feel like I may implode.

Oh, also we found out yesterday that our social worker is leaving and no one has told us anything at all about it or the things she was supposed to be working on.

We went into being licensed with the request of only doing respite. I had never consistently been around children, and we wanted to start slow. This was also considering our extensive responsibilities in our jobs/families/communities. Instead of ever doing respite, we were encouraged to take in a med. complex placement who had been abandoned in in-patient treatment by their prior family. We had never had any med complex training, and getting all of that training + the first year foster trainings has been an additional stressor. We said yes because the situation really touched our hearts BUT I think we failed to truly understand what we were getting into.

I guess I'm just looking for understanding that we're not monsters for feeling like this. We've started bonding with the placement, but I just don't see how this works. Could we go longer? Probably. Would we be happy and successful? I do not think so. I think we likely fail our placement, my family, and our jobs.

What do you do for (pre) teens that want to constantly be entertained or have something to do always? Our current placements are 11 and 13. They aren’t allowed to have electronics but that’s the only thing they want to do. They will play outside for a little bit but not long unless someone is outside with them. When inside they have no idea what to do and complain about anything that is suggested to them. They have a history of mess using electronics and can’t have TV all the time either. When the younger one doesn’t get what they want or gets bored there is a lot of screaming. What different activities do you allow for your teens and anything that they can do on their own? Is being bored just something they need to get use to?