r/BorderlinePDisorder

I don’t know how to put this into words without sounding like a jealous piece of shit, but the thing is i have two friends i haven’t seen in years because they live far away, and i’ve always felt jealous of one of them because she’s really successful in life: she works at a very nice place, she always has male attention, she’s very likeable to people in general, etc. And i feel really bad for this but i hate how good life treats her. We have a group chat where we talk from time to time but i never answer because meanwhile they’re happy with their life i feel like a failure and i don’t want them to know.

I know depression might not be an excuse to be like this but i cant help it. I know we should be happy for others but i cant feel happiness for her. Everytime i talk to her after a long time she always has a new boy interested in her while i’ve been four years without even being kissed. And it kills me. Why can’t that be my life? Why i’m so behind in life? I hate everything and i hate her. I just want her to be in my shoes for one day.

I finally reached remission for BPD. I’m off meds, and DBT skills have become second nature to me sometimes they’re even automatic. But I need to vent because people often mistake remission for a cure. They think if you’re not having outbursts or causing pain to those around you, you’re 100% fine. That’s not the reality. Remission is a daily, conscious battle.

Recently, after a traumatic experience with harassment, I started struggling with my body image. I found myself wanting to reach an extreme thinness, almost as a shield to become invisible or less "desirable" to avoid being targeted again. Now, I’m facing a potential body image disorder diagnosis. It’s exhausting. Because of the weight loss, my face looks hollowed out. A colleague recently told me I looked "haggard" and like I was suffering. It’s so frustrating because, mentally, I feel stronger and better than ever before, thank God. But this physical "armor" I’ve built is starting to worry people. I’m sharing this because I want to stay in remission. I have so much work to do, and I’m not giving up. Has anyone else in BPD remission experienced a shift in symptoms like this? How do you deal with people thinking you’re sick again when you’ve worked so hard to be mentally stable?

Hi there, I realise you cannot give reassurance on here, so to be clear I'm not asking for that, but I'm looking for some skills and tools which could be recommended as ROCD has blindsided me slightly this morning and I'm out of practice.

I'll try to keep this short, but essentially I am 38, have been diagnosed with BPD and OCD for many years and have been single for quite a while. For the past few months I have entered into a WONDERFUL relationship with someone I have known for 2 years. She is fantastic, I am completely in love with her and for the first time in 10 years or so I can see myself making a future with someone.

Over the course of our relationship I have had a few wobbles internally (which I've tried hard not to project on her), which included some mild ROCD worries from my past - that she was going off me, that she didn't like me, or that some of my intrusive thoughts counted as cheating. I have managed to navigate those and we are stronger than ever.

Over the past week we have been discussing our future in slightly more earnest ways, and at the time I loved those conversations. I was over the moon, happy, and 100% sure that it is what I want. I even wrote a song about it yesterday and sent it to her. I feel completely assured that she loves me and isn't going anywhere.

However, she is leaving tomorrow to go on holiday for 2 weeks and this morning I woke up with the worries of: "what if i don't love her?" "what if i go off her when she is away?" "what if i do really love her, but my brain convinces me i don't and i ruin it?".

I had these many years ago in other relationships, but naively I didn't expect them to come back in this one because of how sure I feel.

I am trying to rationalise the reasons why I'm thinking these and I think it's because:

1. ⁠She is going away and I don't have that clarity of seeing her frequently

2. ⁠Her going away makes me sad and that always lets other things creep in

3. ⁠I know from my past when a 'big' positive moment happens (like us saying we love each other, or talking about our future), that can trigger me to worry because of my BPD and fear of abandonment so I push people away, and finally

4. ⁠Her ex boyfriend broke up with her when she was away before. She briefly told me her worry about this with me (which I understand entirely), so I reassured her - I know my brain is now tricking me

I have worked so hard to get to a place where I can be in a relationship and I really, REALLY don't want to mess this one up. I also don't want to get myself into a huge panic when she is away and end up breaking up with her. I deserve the chance to be happy and live.

I suppose my questions are:

1. ⁠Has anyone else experienced this, right before their partner goes away, or after a big positive relationship 'milestone'?

2. ⁠What are some good coping mechanisims I can do for this, how can I equip myself?

I do have a therapist, but I cannot see her until tomorrow. Thank you for your kindness and support. I was a mess this morning and have felt in a daze all day. I finally feel as though I have found the 'one' - and she is perfect to me in everyone way. I want to marry her. But I'm terrified my brain is going to self-sabbotage like it has in the past, and I don't feel equipped enough at the moment to tackle it.

Thank you, and wishing all of you the best in your struggles with this.

I say, for myself, the root cause of my BPD is because of 50 percent genetics, and half of it is environment. Genetics wise, my mom and grandma have traits of BPD, and from what I heard, my grandma committed suicide, and my mom still, to this day, has untreated BPD. Growing up, she would split on me and my dad, cling to me one moment, then devalue me the next and she dosent work have no hobbies gets angry very easily and she threaten to kill herself every argument with my dad and was just full of rage and she have zero identity and she isolates herself and have no friends. Moving on to the environment, I was raised in a household where there was full neglect because of my mom with untreated bpd and also my father who enabled her saying that's just how she is. No emotions were allowed, and my father was an emotionally abusive and neglectful individual he would lash out his anger at me. He would often mock me for being sensitive and for expressing emotions. I remember he often teased me, jokingly, for being too sensitive. The true recovery was finally cutting contact with them and moving on to live on my own. I was wondering, what was the root cause of your BPD? Was it genetic, environment, or a mixture of both?

What depictions of living with BPD do you think would be most helpful for a family member of someone with BPD. Anything that thoroughly describes the experience of emotions, the thought process, etc. Movies, podcasts, books, all welcome and appreciated.

I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year, although I had suspected it before from taking psychology courses and reading a lot on my own.

I’m posting because I want to know if others experience meltdowns the same way I do. When you go into meltdown mode, do you tend to fight, flight, or freeze?

I used to mostly “flight,” but recently I feel like I don’t even have that option. I’ve moved to a new state and don’t really know anyone here, so now it feels more like “fright” or freeze. Everything I have to do just keeps looping in my head over and over, like a racetrack.

I also find myself missing an ex who doesn’t want anything to do with me, which confuses me because I’ve been with my current partner for 7 years. I don’t understand why I feel this way.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that during these moments, I almost revert back to a childlike state. I feel like I need to be protected, like I just want my mom, and I want to hide in bed. Lately I’ve even been working from bed because I feel too overwhelmed to function normally.

Does anyone else experience this kind of regression or fear during meltdowns? Any thoughts or shared experiences would really help.

Had my first psychiatrist appointment today. He concluded that I do have Borderline personality disorder although he kept calling it EUPD- even though I’ve been diagnosed since 2018 so suppose that confirmed it for definite. But that it was characterized by emotional dysregulation, disassociation tendencies, unhealthy relationships leading onto impulsivity, sensitivity to rejection, fear of abandonment, difficulty setting boundaries, likely rooted in childhood emotional neglect, physical etc abuse…

He also diagnosed me with Adjustment disorder exacerbated by postpartum challenges and ongoing emotional/ mental abuse/ emotional manipulation from my ex partner that I can’t cut off because I have a child contact arrangement in place. We talked about boundaries with my ex and he’s given me some food for thought there.

Also been diagnosed with complex PTSD, GAD (generalised anxiety disorder), PDD (clinical term for high functioning depression apparently) and social OCD.

We also touched upon the psychological damage my ex played in my current mental state. How due to his ‘on and off’ nature vs my abandonment issues I acted impulsively in situations and did reckless things. But also my ex criticised me a lot and before I met him I had lessened thoughts of self worth issues or feelings of being ‘useless’ or a ‘burden’ or the self hatred I have for myself now. And he’s exacerbated those thoughts. How when I was struggling I didn’t get support, love from him or security, which also led to implusive reckless acts. That I accepted less than I deserved because that’s all I thought I deserved I.e not actually wanting a relationship with me but stringing me along by living with me and pretending to be a family until he decided to up and go without warning.

Not that is a blame game, from what I go a lot from this appointment was how badly matched we were, I don’t think he intended to cause me harm. I think it’s just a case of, we’re just very different people and we were bad for each other. We equally caused each other damage. Although, when I said this to the doctor he pointed that I defended my ex an awful lot and there will be a point in therapy where I will ‘see it for what it is’ essentially but worded differently and will have to face that.

Feeling a bit defeated and really having to face up to a lot of trauma, I know my therapy sessions are going to be painful. I just feel like I’m even more ‘broken/ damaged’ than I first thought.

On a positive note, with lots of work I might actually get to a point in my life where I’m doing a lot better and managing better mentally. Also, seem to be managing this break up better than I first thought, starting to realise i’m managing boundaries better and my indifference towards him is growing which is an indication that I’m starting to move on.

But mainly I’m annoyed at myself for allowing someone to get so close to me and devalue me and in the process devaluing myself. I felt like my appointment was more about what happened the last 18 months than my whole entire life. Maybe because all my symptoms I am experiencing have all been there and have been exacerbated due to how me and ex dealt with each other.

But I just can’t shake off my annoyance at myself and this whole load of regret I have. And also this realisation that I’m really broken and damaged. Anyway, I thought I’d share because I just needed to vent to something.

I'm 25 and I have been in and out relationships for years which I know is terrible. I can't seem to trust any guy no matter how long I have been with them. I feel like I'm being dismissed and that I'm just considered too much when I'm feeling down and lonely. what makes it hard is I have no close friends so I'm either hanging out alone or with my whoever I'm dating. even when I go out alone I noticed almost everybody is in a relationship and no one is social anymore.

I just wish it were like the movies 😭 for any of you that have partners, how did you meet? I don't go clubbing and I'm sober so finding someone is going to be so difficult

So i'm trying to learn more about stoicism, because I am a male with severe BPD. I have no access to therapy or professional help.Because I have no health insurance so I have to do this by my own

Someone told me that stoicism is not compatible with borderline personality disorder, recovery.And i'm wondering if that person was true or not

I'm not sure what I was expecting. Whenever I have opened up about my feelings in the past it hasn't gone well so I typically keep them to myself. Anyway as I have gotten older (now 51 M) I have found my BPD getting worse and harder to manage. I have been married for about 5 years. Before getting married I did tell my partner that I suffered with depression and previous suicide attempt but not the BPD diagnosis. I didn't tell her because I wasn't sure if it was correct (not confident in diagnosing physician over 30 years ago and dont necessarily meet all criteria) and overall I was doing as OK as possible. However, over time I am finding things more difficult. I thought that if I shared the diagnosis with her, my plan to try therapy again after 30 years and some books including walking on eggshells maybe we could support each other better (or at least she could support me better or better understand me). I was wrong. Immediately on raising the topic and mentioning the diagnosis my wife started crying loudly saying "I think I have it too". I didn't know what to say and just walked away but I was completely shocked. Firstly, I am pretty sure she never heard the term BPD before and secondly doesn't seem at least in my opinion to have the majority of the diagnostic criteria. It was quite simply a WTF moment for me. I was hoping and expecting some kind of support but it felt like being kicked hard in the stomach. There was no further discussion at all of this topic for months. Our marriage is not great. Most likely due to my BPD. Anyway I recognize that and wanted to improve so thought I would raise the issue again in a calm discussion. It also didn't go well. My wife said "I dont think you have that". "I read about it and I think I have it (as in my wife thinks she has it but not me". Again, a massive WTF, I would say incomprehensible, unexpected, and a massive blow. It was a glimmer of hope that maybe I could be better understood, better supported but seems like I'm in this alone. It's ok, probably deep inside I knew that from a young age. Got me thinking what kind of responses others got. Anyone get a wonderfully supportive response and lived happily ever after?

a while ago I was upset and I remember thinking at least in my head that it would be more dramatic if I stuttered every sentence so I faked it.

I told my partner this after I felt better and they just laughed at me and told me that I'm not that good of an actor, but as much as I tried to tell them otherwise, they wouldn't believe it at all. I know deep down I'm very manipulative and selfish and though I tried telling them all of the "evil" things I've done in earnest, they didn't buy it a single bit.

now I'm confused if I'm actually as good of a liar as I think I am or if I'm just mildly psychotic perhaps to the point that I truly believe I am. I know I've lied about things but now I'm actually wondering if those were lies or if I was just dissociating. the weirdest thing is that if it's not true that I'm a liar, then I've been carrying all this guilt for nothing?

Trying to go back to therapy, but I’m frustrated since the only two places with DBT I can go to require *eight* appointments per month. Four individual and four for group therapy.

The psychs have very good qualifications, but it’s crazy expensive per appointment and the full program would cost more than my rent per month

Both places told me that much therapy is needed to “make the program actually work” but I kinda feel like I’m getting scammed here? I legit just can’t afford it, but that aside, it just feels like an excessive amount of therapy since my symptoms aren’t unbearably debilitating and they know that

I kinda feel like it’s just to justify having to make themselves available for the phone coaching service + having had to get their qualifications overseas. But considering my psych forgot our second apt and just rescheduled me for the following week without saying anything, asking, or apologizing, I’m kinda worried this is not worth it and I should just find a CBT therapist and make a habit to review the DBT manual on my own

im overreacting but im so anxious.

a lot of females work there and i really don’t want him to run off with someone. i know its my mind being insane but we’re a bit rocky and have a kid so my anxiety is spiked bad. he doesn’t treat me the best but im super attached to him and it hurts bad and i freak out everytime he has to work in a female environment. how do i stop this? or can i please just get comfort.