u/Pleasant-Car-7432

I finally reached remission for BPD. I’m off meds, and DBT skills have become second nature to me sometimes they’re even automatic. But I need to vent because people often mistake remission for a cure. They think if you’re not having outbursts or causing pain to those around you, you’re 100% fine. That’s not the reality. Remission is a daily, conscious battle.

Recently, after a traumatic experience with harassment, I started struggling with my body image. I found myself wanting to reach an extreme thinness, almost as a shield to become invisible or less "desirable" to avoid being targeted again. Now, I’m facing a potential body image disorder diagnosis. It’s exhausting. Because of the weight loss, my face looks hollowed out. A colleague recently told me I looked "haggard" and like I was suffering. It’s so frustrating because, mentally, I feel stronger and better than ever before, thank God. But this physical "armor" I’ve built is starting to worry people. I’m sharing this because I want to stay in remission. I have so much work to do, and I’m not giving up. Has anyone else in BPD remission experienced a shift in symptoms like this? How do you deal with people thinking you’re sick again when you’ve worked so hard to be mentally stable?

Did I overreact with my coworker? Gosh I really liked him but only as a friend. He ruined everything by harassing me. After that I started hating my body. I felt like a piece of meat like men only looked at me with desire. I lost weight just to feel better. I don't like my curves anymore. I started acting in a way that I couldn't hide anymore. Before I felt more sensual beautiful and outgoing but after I became single the men in the bands stopped respecting me. I was a dancer but I was dating and wearing a ring so no one hit on me and they respected me. Where is this world going? Now the more I hide my body and the thinner I get the safer I feel that I won't suffer harassment. I miss the band crew and I miss my coworker for who he was before he harassed me. When I started losing weight he said don't lose too much or you'll get ugly Delinha. Just remembering him forcing a hug and calling me Delinha while I had to endure it makes me want to vomit. At least I paid many bills including part of my law school with the money from the shows. But he knows I was losing weight just so I wouldn't feel like a piece of meat around him. I feel like I urgently need to find a boyfriend a safe haven. It's so hard being a woman. I no longer have the desire to be sensual nor to wear makeup and tight clothes. My mother and sister already commented on my body and said they were happy I'm thin. They said I'm much prettier this way and that men really look at women with curves as if they were just pieces of meat. A friend of mine gave me a funny idea. He's kind of silly and wears a gold ring even though he's single. He says he wears it just to look like he has someone and suggested I do the same to protect myself. As if that would really help. People didn't hit on me before because of my ex's posture not because they actually respected me. The only thing I won't give up is my blonde hair. I love it. It's the only way I still get ready do braids and feel beautiful and sexy without feeling like a piece of meat or worrying that someone will harass me. My aunt advised me to talk to my coworker. The producer also came to talk to me trying to preserve the singer's image. I told people I left the band because he took me out of it and that's how the band business works but it's no use lying. Everyone knows I left because he was crossing the line and I never wanted any of that. I thought about telling his wife but she probably doesn't even care poor thing she depends on him financially. I boil with rage when I see men like that. All my ex-boyfriends cheated on me and that's one of the reasons I never trust men. I only trusted one man because he was truly the love of my life and never cheated on me. We are no longer together but thank God he is much better now with someone similar to him. I hated it when he called me dumb. I think I'm a bit dumb really I don't even speak Portuguese correctly and he always corrected me. Sometimes he humiliated me saying he wanted an intelligent girlfriend. Well thank God God gave him an intelligent one. She even speaks English. I find it strange because she's very beautiful and sometimes I think she's a bit like me the way she smiles and moves her hair. I can't see her as an enemy for being in the place I thought was mine. I see her as his savior and his peace. She's kind of a rocker and very discreet. She was respectful when I confronted her about the lie that he had a girlfriend. She cursed him out a lot. Later I told her he was single that I have Borderline Personality Disorder that I was crazy and that I wouldn't get in the way of their relationship before it even started. And that's what I did. It's crazy to say this today but I never thought I'd see him with someone else with love with that feeling that he deserved it. Now that I stopped going to the gym I just need to go back there to settle something with my card. I have a fine to pay for canceling my annual plan. I don't want to be anywhere that threatens his peace. He seems so happy on social media. He went through a real hell with me. I think he must think that because I'm alone I'm sad but actually I'm great. I used to be obsessed thinking about him about us our future kids and marriage. I thought about graduating in law and helping with house expenses. Sometimes I felt like trash because I was always switching jobs and he and his mother helped me a lot. Poor mother of his she wanted to help me even after I said I didn't deserve it because I had made her son suffer so much. I told her he wouldn't want her to stay in touch with me. I blocked her because I felt bad when she sent me messages worried if I had arrived home okay after a show. I told her we couldn't be friends because otherwise her son would always feel on alert. I loved his grandmother and even the gossipy cousin. We loved makeup. I think the cousin also has Borderline Personality Disorder. I know they probably hate me today because his mother gave me a sewing machine and begged me to visit the grandmother but I didn't go. I couldn't hold back the tears if I saw her. I loved his grandmother as if she were my own daughter. I never had a grandmother. I don't know what it's like to have the affection of a father or a mother let alone a grandmother. Lately my mother started accepting me more since she saw me more dedicated to law school and noticed that I stopped dancing to become a singer. Our life is a book and every page we turn is a story left behind. I know I will find someone and I pray to God to find a person as incredible as he was to me. He took care of me and endured things that a bad person would have killed me for if I had slapped them for the first time. I think he knows what love and empathy are. I didn't understand the love he felt for me back then. I spent my time doubting his loyalty. But I learned that I only went through all that to become who I am today. Now I know there can be more people like him and I won't hurt anyone else because I worked on myself and will continue working. Remission is not easy. It's about control and sometimes the techniques fail and we have to be strong. I don't know how I didn't slap my former stage colleague in the face when he tried to kiss me and grabbed me by the waist. He is lucky to have met me while I was in treatment otherwise I think I would have turned to physical aggression. Thank God I didn't hit him or make a scene but suppressing all that emotion and being in such a vulnerable position made me break down in tears in bed as soon as I got home. There was no one to hug me. It was just me searching for strength within myself. Can you imagine how horrible it would have been if I wasn't in treatment? Everyone would know I hit a singer. No one would say I was being harassed instead they would call me crazy the girl with uncontrolled Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm very happy I handled the situation. I'm proud of not losing control. Remission doesn't mean cure it's a constant struggle until full happiness is achieved. I don't consider myself a sad person but I wouldn't say I'm complete either. However I am very grateful to God for the people who crossed my path and were crucial to my progress so that I could achieve remission today. Tomorrow I'm going to therapy to talk about my weight. I know I'm feeling good but I don't want any doubt to remain in my mind. If being thinner makes me feel protected from those predatory looks and doesn't harm my health I'll check if there's anything wrong with it. I've always liked being thin and having blonde hair I was never a fan of my natural body type. My ex was the one who made me like my curves but now I'm going back to being how I was when I met him only an improved version so as not to do to others what I did to him. I'm looking forward to meeting my future boyfriend. I talk to God all the time as if I were talking to a person asking God why it's taking so long. My aunt says I haven't forgotten my ex and that I need to force myself to try a relationship. I didn't try before because I was very unstable. I never want to feel the guilt of making someone I love suffer again. Now that I'm in remission my future boyfriend who I haven't even met yet has no idea how hard I worked to finally be ready for someone. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy lol. When I'm at the supermarket I think about movies and wonder if I'll find my next boyfriend there since it's the place I visit most lately lol. It's hard because the bars I go to are full of rich and annoying guys. Even though I like to dress well I'm simple inside. Maybe he's at church? Who knows lol. Anyway what a vent. This would make a book.

Do you know what moving on from someone really means? It is knowing you have access to them and that you could find them there but choosing not to reach out. I did that after my last attempt at contact before the year ended. I fought so hard for this that I feel like I have reached the start of a new emotional healing. He deserves so much happiness. I do not see him as a match for me anymore even though he is tall and strong and seeing him from a distance still makes me take a deep breath and shake inside. I feel like he is someone I loved in the past and today I look at him with affection. I do not want him to feel like he has to be on alert because that must be awful. I am happy he is dating now. You know when you feel empathy? He got what he wanted which is peace because I know I was a nightmare back then. But I am not a monster, I am a lovable person in treatment. My mom called me today and said she loves me and my sister always says how proud she is of me and how talented I am. Lately since I downloaded Reddit I have started getting bad headaches from the phone light because I have nearsightedness and astigmatism. I was addicted to reading stories and talking about my remission. I feel like a winner because it is a battle that is not easy at all. When we say we are in remission it is a heavy word that carries a lot of struggle but most people see it as something easily achieved. Only I know what I go through, the constant fear of hurting people. I feel like a porcupine afraid of accidentally pricking someone. Sometimes I cry alone in the corner of a wall so I do not cry in front of others. Many see me as strong but they cannot even imagine the chaos I was in an old relationship where I would take a piece of iron and hit it against my head after throwing it at the only person who wanted to save me. Seeing who I am today and seeing that a lot of things do not shake me anymore is a victory. The other day I heard that I am ugly because of my scars but if I have a scar it is because my high risk surgery to fix my femur worked. I have 20 stitches on my leg and that is not bigger than a shallow criticism. If I had been on a fragile day I would have cried buckets but today I did not cry about that. I cried seeing a homeless mother tickling her son. They have no home but they have love and smiles on their faces. Love is in the simple things and I try to see the good side in this world full of people who judge. Those who judge do not realize that labeling someone as bad is fuel for them to believe they are beyond help. I improved because one person in the world fought for me until he could not take it anymore and believed in my remission. I truly root for his happiness because with me it was not easy.

I feel like I’m ready to enter a relationship, even though I don’t feel affection for anyone yet. I know that now, instead of just fluffing around, I can actually try. How was it after remission? Were you able to have a healthy relationship? I remember clearly when a friend of my ex told me that as long as I wasn’t treated, I couldn't be with his friend, my ex now, much less with anyone else. Today, I understand what he meant. I used to constantly criticize him to my ex because I was jealous of him touching my ex. They were very close friends, and since he was gay, he’d sometimes be playful or touchy, and it made me jealous. I’m afraid of finally making space for some guy who might ask me out for ice cream, and who knows, maybe I can spark a feeling of love again and revisit my romantic side. I’m so scared of ruining everything. I know I deserve love and that my future boyfriend, whom I haven't even met yet, won't go through the horrible things my ex went through. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved when I remember scenes I want to forget, like the time I woke him up crying so hard and accusing him of cheating on me. I feel like a monster; it’s like it wasn't even me there.I know that Borderline has its good parts, like the creative and intelligent side, and skills related to work, but think of a demonic side. I can call it a demon because after it passes, it’s like it wasn’t us there, and when we remember it, it makes us want to die. But I am in treatment. I’m writing this shedding tears, but I know they are healing tears. I’m still in the process of accepting that I do deserve love, no matter who I was in the past, no matter what the demonic side of Borderline did to those who were with me. I messed up; I know that asking for forgiveness doesn't take away the pain, but I need to give myself a chance to be happy, damn it.

I always say here: God wouldn't give us all this intensity and love just for us to throw it away. I’m already 29, and I need to find someone and keep dreaming of a family with children. I don’t have to think I’m a monster who’s going to explode at any moment. I fought so hard to reach remission; I take such good care of myself. Is anyone else going through this too and understands me, someone who is Borderline? We don’t always want to talk to a therapist, and I think here is a great place to vent anonymously. No one will judge me, no one will know it’s me, and most importantly, there are people here who have the same diagnosis as mine.

Do you know what moving on from someone really means? It is knowing you have access to them, that you could find them there, but choosing not to reach out. I did that after my last attempt at contact before the year ended. I fought so hard for this that I feel like I have reached the start of a new emotional healing. He deserves so much happiness. I do not see him as a match for me anymore, even though he is tall and strong and seeing him from a distance still makes me take a deep breath and shake inside. I feel like he is someone I loved in the past and today I look at him with affection. I do not want him to feel like he has to be on alert because that must be awful. I am happy he is dating now. He got what he wanted, which is peace, because I know I was a nightmare back then. But I am not a monster, I am a lovable person in treatment. My mom called me today and said she loves me, and my sister always says how proud she is of me and how talented I am.

Dealing with harassment at work as a single woman is exhausting. I started losing a lot of weight, both muscle and fat, out of frustration with myself and my body. I am convinced that if I did not have these curves, men would treat me with more respect. I feel like they just see me as a piece of meat. Since the harassment, I do not feel like being outgoing or sensual like I used to, I just feel fragile now. He harassed me because he knew I needed the job and he never imagined I would actually quit. My aunt said I overreacted and that I should have talked it out instead of leaving the band, but thank God I am a hard worker and I have income from my studio.

In fact, a new producer came along and I am rehearsing 22 tracks every day. Dealing with the entertainment world was easier when I was just a dancer in the background. Being the lead singer is much harder because I never faced this kind of harassment back then. Sometimes I feel resentful toward my body and I hope to reach the thinness I desire so I can wear clothes without men staring like they want to devour me. The guy who was harassing me even told me not to lose too much weight because I would look ugly, but little did he know that he is the exact reason I am doing it. I feel better being thin and blonde, I feel more elegant this way. My sister and my mom said I would look prettier thin and today they compliment me a lot, saying I look like a doll. The other day my mom sent money for an Easter treat, but I saved it to get highlights. She is going to think I am beautiful now.