r/AskWomenOver30

I love children, and I also love my friends’ kids, but sometimes I really miss spending time with my friends without children around.

When we make plans, it’s often unclear whether their kids are coming because they rarely mention it in advance, and that makes it hard for me to say yes or no. I also feel like it seems rude to ask directly if it’s with or without children, and then decline if I’m not up for a day involving kids.

I wish they would simply let me know upfront if their children are joining, so I can better decide what I have the energy for. Sometimes I just want one-on-one adult time where we can give each other our full attention.

How do I bring this up in a kind and respectful way without hurting anyone’s feelings? Has anyone else dealt with this?

I really want to hear from others who struggle with this. Every time I read posts about friendship breakups or romantic breakups, the consensus is that it can take a bit of time to get over them...but when people say "a bit of time," they really mean "a few months to a year."

I'm still thinking about a friendship breakup from 3 years ago. And a relationship that ended 5 years ago. I have been in therapy for over a decade, I am living my life and am successful in several areas, but I would hate to see either of these people on the street and when I think about them, I definitely don't feel total indifference like I wish I did. It's horrible because I don't want to think about them at all. Can anyone relate?

*It would be really nice if people who this doesn't apply to didn't comment on this with "it took me 3 months to get over a 20 year friendship"

I matched with this guy who, on the day of our date said he wanted to cancel unless I gave him my number. I said I wasn't comfortable doing that unless we met in person first and we could continue talking on the app. I stood firm, and, of course, we didn't end up going on the date. I hesitated to give him my number as well because he worked in cybersecurity and knew I could be in for a stalker if he had my number. I really wanted to meet him first and then decide if I wanted to move forward.

I met this girl at my friend's party who is also on the dating apps and tells me she is having a really hard time. She tells me about this creepy guy she matched with, gave her number to, who won't stop trying to communicate with her after declining a second date. When she described him and told me his name I believe they are the same person.

I am so happy I stood my ground and protected my boundary because that could of been me. she told me she keeps blocking him but he keeps trying to reach out. 😬

I am so happy I followed my gut and didn't give in. I am taking a break. so many of the men are turn out to be creeps and push boundaries.

Anyone else dealt with this? How do you find peace with yourself that maybe lasting love was just not meant for you? How is it so easy for men to move on and settle down? I am feeling so down like a loser after seeing an acquaintance post pics of a situationship’s wedding on social media.

I turn 40 in two months and I’ve had a bit of a realisation that can absolutely now begin to lean heavily into my 'eccentric side' without fear.

So I need to know — what did your eccentric starter pack look like?

Was it random hobbies?

Odd little collections?

Dressing however you felt like that day?

Talking to plants? 😂

Did it happen gradually, or did you just wake up one day and fully commit? Just for a little light-hearted fun, I’d love to hear what everyone’s “starter pack” looked like. And for those already planning theirs, what would yours be?

I’m into witchcraft and collect ocean water during specific celestial events so I can boil it down into salt for spell jars so I feel like I’m already well and truly in the eccentric lane 😂

I just need support right now because I feel really shaken.

I was talking to a guy I had been intimate with recently. We met on tinder a few weeks ago he was visiting NY. It was a hookup that’s fine we were still chatting staying connected on what’s app for a few weeks. We were having what I thought was a normal, honest conversation about life, money, culture, goals, and where we are in life. When we talked about money earlier given he lives in Europe he shared his salary was around $30k. He asked how much I make I told him a six figure range the truth. He was shocked and said I’d never make money like that in his country just weird statements. For context, I currently live in a renovated basement apartment in my parents’ home because I’m saving money for a condo. I used to feel embarrassed by it but with the economy right now and living in NY I’ve grown to just accept it especially if I want ownership one day.

Moments later after we were talking about education/careers, he said something like, “You’re educated but you live in your parents’ basement like Harry Potter,” then followed it up with “just kidding 😂.”

I was honestly so hurt and shocked. I cursed him out and made some nasty comments because I was deeply offended and it triggered the previous embarrassment I had for my living situation that I literally just healed from. I think what’s bothering me most is that I had let this person into my home and had been intimate with him, so the comment felt really violating and cruel. It felt like he took something personal about my life and used it as a punchline. I’m very new to dating and still learning so much but this really makes me want to take a break from it all.

Now I’m sitting here shaking and trying not to spiral or turn this into shame about myself.

I’m not really looking for judgment. I just need support and perspective. Has anyone else had someone they were intimate with make a low blow like this? How did you calm your body down and not internalize it?

Dear Ladies, previously I got brilliant advice here, so here I am again for some wise thoughts, comfort. I (34F) have been dating a man (45M) for more than seven months. Everything went really well, I felt like I had found the love of my life, he put a lot of effort into the relationship, it was perfect really. Then we had a convo about us and it turned out he loves me, but “not that much”. I was shocked, and asked him about this, that from his actions I was under the impression that we were on the same page. His reply was that he is doing everything as he can because he wants to fully fall in love with me, but he is just not there yet and not sure when he will be, if ever. I told him, if it hasn’t happened yet, probably it won’t so it would be better to end this. I am shuttered. I am disappointed. I am angry. I am devastated.

I am not sure how to move on from this. I do my work, I go to the gym, I run, I do everything I possibly can but I am just sooo sad all the time. And here I am again, almost 35 and have nothing but my cat. How do you recover from a breakup in this age and find the strength to start over the dating stuff all over again?

Sorry.. long read ahead but I'm finally accepting that I'm drowning and probably have so much more to say.. I’m 37F and my boyfriend is 36M. I know deep down I want to end this relationship, but after years of this cycle I feel emotionally stuck and need advice from women who may have been through something similar.

My boyfriend is lazy, unmotivated, and honestly a complete man child. I know I’ve enabled a lot of it over the years, I've made excuses for him and I take accountability for that, but I’m at my breaking point.

His life is significantly better because of me, while mine is worse because of him. There is zero fairness or balance in this relationship.

He refuses to improve his situation in life. He won’t work overtime, won’t look for a better job, and has no ambition whatsoever. Early in our relationship he lost multiple jobs and I had to get a second job just to keep us afloat. I took our loans during that time that I am still paying to this day. Screwed up my credit. The only reason he has maintained his current job for the last few years is because he previously went to jail for not paying child support/unemployment issues and is scared of going back.

He constantly talks about wanting to “provide for his family” and “do better,” but his actions never match his words. But boy is he good at using words.

What makes it worse is that he contributes nothing elsewhere either. He doesn’t help with the house unless specifically told. He games constantly. He doesn’t spend quality time with me or even much time with his kids. He cannot take initiative with basic adult responsibilities.

Examples:

• The other day he was trying to put something in the freezer and literally just opened it and said, "This won't fit" and stared at me. Once I got up and had a bit of a face on, he got defensive asking what my issue was and ended up walking away while I put the stuff in the freezer with zero issue. He claimed he wasn't asking for my help but I can't figure out how staring at me while you claim something won't fit without trying isn't you asking for me to problem solve the issue for you.
• He can’t make simple decisions. Dinner becomes an issue because I always need to decide. He will ask me if he should let the dogs in. - I am a full believer in there are no dumb questions - however he has successfully made me change that tune because he constantly asks me things that are so basic or could be his own choice .. then gets mad when I talk to him like he's a child. (I don't do often but it becomes really hard to constantly be a decent person when I'm constantly asked to manage an adults daily life)
• I manage basically every aspect of his life. I think a lot of it is truly his inability to understand human communication, norms and reality - probably from every relationship enabling him. He's never had to truly do life on his own - but he'll claim he has, no freaking way.

Financially:

• He pays barely anything toward bills/rent.
• Doesn’t buy groceries.
• Has used my car for 3 years.
• I literally had to send him money for an oil change on my car he uses daily and has never paid for a single thing on it besides putting gas in it and I can confidently say he has never filled the tank.. it's $20 here $15 there.
• I wake up early to drive him to work or have to coordinate rides.

Basically my life is constantly inconvenienced while his runs smoothly. This is definitely my fault as I'm always trying to make everyone's life easier. He takes my car to work on the weekends so I either have to get up super early to take him or I'm stuck at home all day. I end up being at work longer hours because I get there so early. So many things in my life are sacrificed and his is totally fine.

I do everything. He does nothing. The money wouldn't even bother me if I didn't have to manage every aspect of his life, his kids life and my own life. If he cleaned without being told or took any type of initiative without attitude. Any type of ambition. I will always be the breadwinner with us, and honestly likely in most relationships I could find myself in.. It's not about being equal to me, it's about being fair. If I pay all the bills then can I at least come home to a clean house?

And when I ask for help, his words say “I don’t mind helping” but his body language/facial expressions make it clear he resents even being asked.

He can also be emotionally abusive/manipulative. He’s extremely quick-witted and somehow always flips situations around, has an excuse for everything, and makes me second guess myself. I know this is emotional abuse, but it’s still so hard to break away from.

The biggest complication is he lives with me, and he has burned so many bridges that if I end things he will likely have nowhere to go. In the past I could leave relationships physically, but I can’t exactly leave my own home. This makes me feel bad and not ever go through with it.

I stayed for a long time mostly because of his kids, who I care deeply about, but they’re older now and don’t rely on me the way they once did.

I know I deserve better. I want someone who wants to build a life, has ambition, wants to spend time with me, and contributes equally. I’m drowning carrying this relationship and I’m done.

My issue is not deciding IF I should leave—it’s HOW.

Every time I try, he manipulates the conversation, guilt trips me, twists things, or somehow ends up staying. I’ve tried before multiple times and somehow he always worms his way back in.

Women who have left emotionally manipulative/dependent partners:
How did you finally do it?
How do you stay strong when they try to guilt/manipulate you?
How do you stop feeling responsible for what happens to them after?

I have severe PTSD and the past year has been extremely stressful for me. I’m only 36 but I now look like I’m 45. I am really resisting the urge to get a face lift but has anyone ever done anything (literally anything) to mitigate or reverse some skin sagging and aging and generally looking old and haggard? I used to be beautiful when I was young and because of my PTSD (largely SA related) I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I am single and in very intensive therapy for this but I feel like it’s too late, like I already lost my value as a woman and especially because I look so much older than I am. I have even had two men from apps ask me if I am trans. Nothing against that but I’m not and it made me feel worse about myself. Any suggestions at all for ways to look a little younger and prettier would be appreciated.

As we all know, making friends can be extremely difficult as an adult.

I made a friend and we stayed in touch for the past year. She invited me to a gathering with her friends and I tried to return the favor by inviting them as well. Twice for different events. It was also the first time we met each other. They all said that they’re too busy so I left it at that.

Then I saw on IG that the same friend invited her friends but didn’t ask or include me.

I wouldn’t mind but it’s a bit hurtful that I tried to be more engaging in our friendships and all the efforts seemed to be a waste.

Hopefully I’m allowed to post this here. I’m 36 and am really starting to struggle with my weight. It’s been so triggering and hard to see so many of even my own peers shrinking on GLP’s. I’m super sensitive to medications and so am scared to try them.

I workout 3x/week and eat a Whole Foods anti inflammatory diet for the most part. But my weight won’t budge.

Does anyone have any tips or advice that worked for you?

I’ve been reading a lot about how stuffing emotions like sadness and anger manifest as chronic illness. Well I’ve had to stuff a lot and I’m tired (and now, surprise, also chronically ill).

I’m angrier about a lot of things these days: how much women have to deal with, how relationships/marriages are set up to benefit men and modern society hasn’t caught up to women’s evolving needs yet, injustice, needing more emotional support, female body changes and health stuff, issues related to being a POC, and irritation in general. I also wonder if I’m in perimenopause (but everyone keeps telling me there’s no way to test for that).

Once you start to notice oppression and injustice it’s hard not to see it everywhere but it’s also not healthy to only fixate on it I think either. How do you express your anger and get it out of your body in a healthy, cathartic way so you’re not carrying so much stuff around?

I’ve been with my boyfriend about two years, we’re both in our early 40s. We go through periods where we don’t talk on the phone or see each other for days on end because our work schedules are different. I don’t love it, I need more communication, and trying for more of this is wearing me down. We do send a few texts per day, but they’re mostly updates about our days and stuff.

Even when I’ve been in long-distance relationships, I’ve talked more to my partners even just through some text-versations.

I get that we can’t talk during work times, but there are also other times where he’s just distracted doing something else and misses my call and we don’t talk, then he’ll realize it at like 12:45am when I need to go to bed to work in the morning. Everyone does that once in awhile, but he does it even when we haven’t talked in days, yet he seems really happy with our relationship.

Anyway, I don’t need to go into more detail about us, but I’m curious about other people’s norms or needs.

Recently turned 30, ADHD-er, single, career oriented and NOT doing well at all.

Literally ALL my friends are married and are slowly getting busier in their lives. I feel terribly lonely. I'm trying my very best to cope but end up feeling miserable most of the time. I'm scared of spiralling into depression.

Yes, I'd like a compatible partner but I'm ironically averse to dating apps and arranged marriage settings. Does it ever happen organically? How did y'all make it through?

Any advice is very appreciated.

I overthink and self-analyze constantly and my latest realization for why I feel stuck is that I’m waiting. I’m 41F, husband and I both have good jobs (whether we like them is another issue), two great kids, 11 and 13. From the outside, everything looks fine and nothing is particularly wrong. But I’ve been somewhere between unhappy and miserable for years.

As a good midwestern millennial, I did all the steps. I did well in school, picked a practical major, got a good job, got married, had kids. None of it felt forced or for my parents’ approval or anything - it’s just what you did. My husband is also 40; we’ve always seen eye to eye on what life looked like and what the next steps were without a long discussion. And when the young adult steps ran out, we flowed along with life – raising kids, going to work, living through a hurricane and the pandemic - while waiting for the next step.

Over the past several years but especially since COVID, I’ve been trying to “fix” whatever this feeling is. Health stuff (minor things but there’s nothing clearly “wrong” with me), diet plans to lose baby+COVID weight, supplements, yoga, minimalism, productivity systems, therapy-adjacent things. I keep thinking there’s a root cause or a switch I can flip. But nothing sticks, mostly because I don’t stick with anything.

So I’m waiting. Waiting to feel motivated. Waiting to become the kind of person who just does the things I know would probably help - like walking, cooking better food, making plans, leaving the house on the weekends, finding a hobby, reading books. But I don’t want to do those things or don’t have the energy. And I'm not sure they’ll make me happy anyway. I followed all the “right” steps before and that didn’t do it. General "wherever you go, there you are" defeatism.

So I go to work, take care of my kids, and then sit on the couch and eat ice cream because it feels like I’ve earned it. And because, what’s the point of doing more? I’m not waiting for magic, exactly. I just feel like I’m in this “waiting place” (like Dr. Suess) and like something is supposed to click and hasn’t. Has anyone else felt like this? Did anything actually change it, or is this just what life feels like?

The last six months have left me deeply bruised. Lost my soul-dog to kidney failure, lost my partner because he cheated, and my job is eating me alive (pays well but the hours are insane and unsustainable). I have this intense discomfort and I don't know where to start making changes. I am exhausted all the time... I long for the weekends but then I'm so tired from the week it's hard to do anything. Basically feeling anhedonia from all the loss and stress I am experiencing. I don't have many friends in my current city and have found it hard to make new ones, although I've tried by joining sports/groups.

I'm 32, and feel like I'm wasting some of my prime years. I keep telling myself to make one change at a time but I'm not sure it will be enough. I feel so desperate for happiness and to have my bright, energetic self back. I can't help but think there is no end in sight, that I will always feel this way. Yes, I'm in counseling.

I'm worried that I will commit to big changes then find myself unhappy, just in a new place or in a new job. Not sure what to do.

30F and pregnant, in a semi isolated town the last few years that takes an hour just to get to the next town.

Struggling a lot with boredom/loneliness recently. I wfh and my husbands a firefighter (gone often). When he comes home he doesn’t want to drive another 4 hours round-trip for a day trip.

So I spend a tremendous amount of time alone in my home with few friends nearby. I’ve started going “out” on my own but it’s really not the same as going with your partner or a friend. I don’t have the natural electric life of my 20s and I’m starting to get a little scared of what is to come in my 30s and beyond.

Looking for takes on what fun means in your 30s / with your first kid as someone who doesn’t have a massive social circle 😊 preferably things that bring you out of the home

I’m single (33f) again after dating someone who I thought was a break from my pattern but ended up not being.

What are icks and what are red flags? I think I’m missing things here.

In this previous relationship, it was an ick to me how much he used Zyns and drank (30) and was still drinking beers and playing video games with his roommates 2-4 nights a week.

The red flags should’ve been the ❄️ snow use that was rare but still happens. And I chalked it up to not being a controlling girlfriend.

Or maybe the red flags should’ve been he never brought up any issues or conflicts and I always did. And when I was upset he would shut down and not try to talk to me about it but wait until I came to him. He always said he Never deserved me and I’m realizing that when people say that, you Need to believe them.

I think I’m realizing I’m bad at ignoring red flags because I only see the good.

He was kind, he was giving, he brought flowers and opened doors, chivalrous, and would give someone the shirt off of his back if he could. I met his friends and family, and he was really good in bed. He had a workout routine and he wrote me poems. He had drive and ambition because we’re both in high earning fields. But in training. And I thought maybe that would be enough for a relationship.

I’m thinking or at least realizing I think I was settling because I kept ignoring the bad.

I have some long-time friends and some newer ones. All women. But no matter with who, I almost always seem to be the one who suggests getting together. I find it really draining to almost always be the one reaching out and making plans to see them. I recently went through a toxic and abusive relationship, and my two closest friends knew about it, but neither of them ask me how I’m doing. Is this normal? Or am I just expecting too much? Friendships like this make me feel very lonely, and when I’m in a relationship, I tend to throw myself entirely into those relationships, since I feel like I can’t count on my friends. Now that I’m single and everyone else is in a relationship, the loneliness feels even heavier. I’m certainly not the only one going through this. How do you handle it? Do you have any tips for distancing yourself a little without cutting yourself off emotionally entirely?

From my husband's perspective - I always nitpick and never happy with whatever he does.

My perspective- I married him last year after dating and living in for 3 years. Initially, I made peace with him not doing things, not doing things the right way, not doing things that are important.

But now I am done adjusting and compromising as I feel there is only as much one can shrink. I wanted a certain black bag, he got me an ugly bag of HIS choice, nowhere close to what I like it to be. I suck up for thoughtful personalised gifts, he gifts me a generic hamper from amazon.

I always wished for a Europe honeymoon, you say you can't arrange right after wedding expenses which I accept and would make up for it on the first anniversary. And then ends up planning for Bali and Vietnam and expected me to be elated when he broke the news.

I mean how can you not think of my likes and wants after all these years together and also expect me to be ok with all things you do, even if they are nowhere close to things I have expressed of my liking? And for the context, we both earn well and money isn't kinda concern for us. And no, I am not greedy, thankless or materialistic, I can afford every single thing on my own, but that's not what's the point here.

How am I supposed to handle it better when I clearly speak of my expectations and he clearly overrides them and expects me to be thankful that he is trying his best.